|The Short Secret of Monkey Island|
A script based on…stuff by Ron Gilbert
By: Eric Aultman
Added: Thursday, September 8, 2005
The Three Trials
Old Man is standing
Guybrush: Hello there!
Blind Old Man gasps
Guybrush: are you ok?
Blind Old Man: just don't sneak up on me like that-now who are you?
Guybrush: Threepwood, Guybrush Threepwood- I want to be a pirate!
Blind Old Man: that name is almost as loony as you son, you sound like a flooring inspector to me.
Guybrush: I feel strangely insulted…
Blind Old Man: (in a dead serious tone) wow you're good enough to fight the sword master!
Guybrush: ….I want to be a pirate!
Blind Old Man: right, right, go to the SCUMM bar, it's filled with pirates….and flatulence…
Guybrush: that's great, well I'm off to seek my fortune.
The SCUMM bar
Backstreet Boys music is playing
Music changes suddenly
Guybrush: I want to be a pirate!
Pirate #221: you look like a mug inspector
Guybrush: (obviously frustrated) flooring inspector
Guybrush walks to nearest table
Pirate: and who are ye being…ye?
Guybrush: why are you talking like that?
Pirate: ahem-who are you?
Guybrush: My name is Guybrush Threepwood and this conversation will end in a repetitive joke
Pirate: HAHAH…ahem-your name is pretty stupid I'll give you that
Guybrush: oh yea what's yours?
Pirate: Just call me Dudesweep
Guybrush: anyways, I want to be a pirate…err
Dudesweep: 'Ar' so ye want to be a swashbuckler, a buccaneer?
Guybrush: no, a pirate.
Dudesweep: (glare) you're as stupid as your name.
Blind Old Man: but not as loony!
Dudesweep: talk to those important looking pirates over there.
Guybrush walks to table with three men
Green pirate: Ar, love's labor is lost!
Spielberg: have you brought the donuts?
Blue pirate: I hope you have he's pretty hungry.
Guybrush: why is Stephen Spielberg here?
Green pirate: he won a bet with George, this is his prize.
Blue pirate: quite true, George lost on purpose…I don't think would like to make an appearance in Jaws…
Green Pirate: anyways, what's your problem?
Guybrush: I want to be a pirate!
Blue pirate: we do need more of those…
Green pirate: ever since Le Chuck….
Guybrush: Who's Le Chuck?
Blue Green=yellow: Le Chuck the ghost pirate has robbed us of all our men our crews are drinking milk, not the grog- GROG it's what's for dinner!-he has wasted our ships upon Davy Jones' locker-
Guybrush: filled with smelly shorts no doubt, he never could get the hang of that washing machine
Guybrush snaps his fingers
Blue: have you got any skills?
Guybrush: I can hold my breath for ten minutes
Green: HARHARHAR! No really…
Le Chuck: ah what a great day to be dead!
Skeleton Bob: sir…
Le Chuck: diapers are in the hold.
Skeleton Bob: no, no this is a different matter
Le Chuck: I doubt it, ever since we got sponsored by Huggies, this whole ship has been filled with tormenting 'peek-a-boos' and 'baby soft' skin
Skeleton Bob: NO, this matter involves…the governor; you see there's a new man in town
Le Chuck: a new man?
Skeleton Bob: a new 'Guy' to be exact.
Skeleton Bob laughs his head off…literally
Le Chuck: I'm not worried; soon Elaine will be my lovely wife! My day nears, fetch me my petticoats before the rector arrives!
Skeleton Bob: I wonder what a rector is…I hope he serves pizza
Le Chuck: I could of just let you rot but no….
Guybrush: (reading from scroll) Trial one, sword fighting
Scared Pirate: (walking in) get out of the way-
Guybrush walks forward
Scared Pirate: stay back…STAY BACK
Guybrush: my name is Guybrush Threepwood prepare to die!
Scared Pirate: (extremely scared) AHHH *runs away*
Guybrush: I think I broke him.
Store owner enters
Store owner: SWORDMASTER!
Store owner: oh sorry it's an obsession
Guybrush: uh…aren't you supposed to be open?
Store owner: we got bought out by an Australian
Guybrush: anyways, I'm supposed to beat the sword master
Store owner: well you're going to need a sword….
Guybrush: I stole one from you in a deleted scene!
Store owner sighs
Store Owner: very well, it happens a lot anyways.
Store owner: here you are…now to stalk TOM HANKS!
Store owner exits
Guybrush: I'm Guybrush Threepwood, and I'm here to kill you!
Sword Master: let's get this over with.
Guybrush: I am rubber you are glue!
Sword Master roles her eyes
Sword Master: this will be easy
Guybrush: Oh yea, well you fight like a cow!
Sword Master: never once have I seen something so stupid
Guybrush: and I've got a little TIP for you get the POINT?
Sword Master: you fight like a dairy farmer
Guybrush: how appropriate you fight like a sword master!
Sword Master: you're stupid
Guybrush: oh yeah- so is your face!
Sword Master: I can't stand you, you win.
Guybrush: we welcome you to munchkin land!
Sword Master: just get off of my property.
Guybrush: now for the quest.
Guybrush: jeepers it's the creeper!
Pirate…Hippies? : run gang!
An old yet some how familiar chase scene later…
Guybrush: okay gang let's unmask the villain
Scared Pirate from another scene: like it's got to be Mr. Mankinfred after the head honcho rank in the business industry!
Blonde Pirate: groovy!
Creeper: just get on with it
Guybrush unmasks the creeper
Blonde Pirate Redheaded female pirate scared pirate and smart pirate: Old man Jenkins!?
Old Man Jenkins: and I would have gotten away with it two if it weren't for you meddling pirates! Now unite me so I can get back to my grog!
Guybrush: But who are you guys?
Blonde Pirate: Like we're the History Machine making our way into fame and groovy dome!
Blue Important Pirate Enters
Blue Pirate: we hired them from the un-employment line-Congratulations Guybrush your quest is complete
Blue pirate exits
Guybrush: man that felt like the longest 30 minutes ever, but now for the last item on this grocery list, a beautiful idol, I need some meat so I can poison those dogs outside the governor's mansion!
After a Long interrogation from the Animal Protection Agency
At the SCUMM Bar
Guybrush walks to the SCUMM bar and sneakily grabs some meet off a kitchen table
Guybrush: this might come in handy….
Chef: hey give that back!
Guybrush: think fast…010001001000101001000-2!?
Chef: oh my god a 2?! AHHH
Chef runs off
Inside The Governor's Mansion
Guybrush runs in with the sound of barking piranha poodles
Guybrush: I don't think that poison worked very well
??? : You have trespassed, prepare to die!
Guybrush: gasp, it's the man!
??? : The hippy jokes have already been told, I am Fester Shinetop!
Guybrush: my god, you're bald!
Shinetop: it's a serious problem, I've tried everything!
Guybrush: My name is Guybrush Threepwood I've come for the idol!
Shinetop: you won't get past me easily
Indiana Jones enters
Indiana Jones: it belongs in a mu-
Shinetop knocks out Indiana Jones
Guybrush: now that that's over with,
Guybrush grabs a rubber chicken and whacks shine top over the head
Lots of painful sounding noises
Guybrush: yes, I got the idol!
Shinetop: I've got acne.
Shinetop cries…and has acne for some odd unexplained reason
Guybrush: it's okay, clear your skin with Clearasol it's like Clearasil only it has an o!
Shinetop: wow clear skin in 7 days guaranteed!
Guybrush: order it now! Only $19.99!
Shinetop: wow such a low cost for such a high quality product? What am I waiting for?
Guybrush: I don't know! Must be 18 years or older to order Clearasol ask your doctor before using! (Smiles)
Guybrush: (mumbling) or you might end up like him…
??? : Wake up Shinetop
Shinetop: sorry Governor Marley, I've been on patrol ever since this morning when I caught 'Guybrush' here trying to steal your idol!
Guybrush: She belongs in a museum!
Brittney Spears: put me down!
Guybrush: come to think of it…she's not that beautiful
Governor Marley: he's right
Brittney Spears: WHAT!?
Governor Marley: leave Fester!
Brittney Spears: put me down already!
Governor Marley: I know why you're here, not a lot of people have gotten this far though…
Brittney Spears: oh come on!
Guybrush: nam rouy toh! (obviously in love)
Brittney Spears: ewwww! He's drooling on me!
Governor Marley: Call me Elaine, so the author doesn't have to type as much.(Quite in love)
Brittney Spears: this love scene has gone on long enough put me down!
Elaine: why do you want to be a pirate? Your skin is so fair, and you're so…charming…plus you look more like a flooring inspector to me. Talk to me later okay?
Brittney Spears: and drop me down now!
Guybrush nods and leaves
Guybrush: love is one of the only things that make you talk backwards…
Shinetop sneaks up on Guybrush and nabs him
A short Scene 6
The Docks by the SCUMM Bar
Shinetop: goodbye Guybrush!
Shinetop dumps Guybrush in the ocean than splits his skin in two and becomes…
Le Chuck: Har har…har! You are a fool for trying to steal my woman!
Reporter: Mr. Threepwood, you've just been dunked underwater, what are you going to next?
Guybrush: I'm going to survive!
Guybrush takes out an ordinary pocket pen…or is it?
Guybrush, who is tied up cuts his ropes with a laser pen!
James bond music plays as Guybrush climbs up the ladder!
Le Chuck: har!
Le Chuck escapes with…Elaine!?
Guybrush: I've got to go after her!
Stan: I can help, give me everything you got and I'll give you a ship
Guybrush: done deal!
At The Prison
Guybrush: hello Otis!
Otis: how did you know my name!?
Guybrush: I write you every Tuesday.
Otis: oh yeah, you're that bumbling nincompoop! So you've come to Melee to free me?
Guybrush: yes, but you have to join my crew!
Otis: wow it's like a speed through of an actual long series of puzzles come true!
Guybrush somehow frees Otis and Otis runs away
Guybrush: okay 1 down 2 more to go!
At a small island
Guybrush: hey what do you know there's a pulley in the middle of this rubber chicken which I got from no where!
Guybrush climbs up the ladder connected to a wire leading to a tourist attraction
Guybrush zips to the other end and enters 'Meathook's'
Meathook: Welcome to Meathook's…GO AWAY!
Guybrush: My name's Guybrush Threepwood join my crew!
Meathook: touch the beast that took my hand and I'll do it
Guybrush: done deal
Meathook opens several doors to reveal a parrot
Guybrush kicks the parrot
Meathook: wow your brave I'll go pack my things!
At the Ex- Sword Master's A.K.A Carla's
Carla: oh it's you
Guybrush: join my crew I'm in a hurry to get to the good part of this movie!
Carla: okay, that's a good reason!
Part 2 'The Journey'
On Board the deck
Guybrush: okay crew it's time to get to work and save Elaine!
Otis: …the governor?
Carla: is that what this is about?
Meathook: look she can take care of herself.
Otis: let's just work on our tan
The Crew: and take a joy ride!
Guybrush: man that's mean; we're talking about Le Chuck here!
The Crew: LE CHUCK!?
Carla: Guybrush this is serious
Otis: very serious
Meathook: he's a dead guy!
An awkward silence goes on for about a minute
Meathook: well he is…
Carla: you should've told us
Amiga Montoya: he killed my father!
Otis: where did you come from?
Amiga Montoya: uh…
Amiga jumps off the ship
Guybrush: hey look Monkey Island!
Otis: you did this! You did this! We'll be stuck here forever! AHHHH!
Otis jumps off the ship
Carla: I just want to be popular!
Carla jumps off the ship
Meathook: what you expect me to jump?
Guybrush shoves Meathook off the ship
Meathook: thank you!
Under Monkey Island
Guybrush walks over to a Food Stand and looks at the menu
Herman: Welcome to Monkey Island…may I take your order?
Guybrush: umm yea give me a Governor…and can I get her super-sized?
Herman: She's inside the monkey head with the ghost pirates, but we are serving severed heads who can take you to her.
Guybrush: how much?
Herman: it depends which head it is, but you can get the one who has been sitting under the heat lamp for about fifty hours for free!
Guybrush: whose head is that?
Brittney Spears: why is this happening to me!?
Herman: the cannibals got to her; they were on a vacation to Melee Island…well she wasn't that innocent…..
Herman: she stole my banana picker
Herman: she comes with a key.
Guybrush: I'll take her
Herman: would you like a root beer with that?
Guybrush: weapon sized please
Herman: thank you and come again!
Guybrush: Darn too late again
Guybrush watches the ship escape
Skeleton Bob: why hello there
Guybrush: hey where are they going?
Skeleton Bob: to the wedding of course
Skeleton Bob: you heard me…sorry but I'm a little upset. I wasn't invited
Han Solo enters
Han Solo: you guys can use my ship to get back to Melee Island; she's the fastest ship in the galaxy!
Guybrush + Skeleton Bob: together we are THE WEDDING CRASHERS!
Han Solo: yeah!
Guybrush Kicks butt
At The Docks
Han Solo: Good Luck kid!
Skeleton Bob: yeah!
The two exit
Fat Skeleton enters
Fat Skeleton: Die!
Guybrush: have some root beer
Fat Skeleton gets sprayed
Fat Skeleton: ahhh, I'm melting I'm melting!
At The Church
Guybrush: I object!
Guybrush: wait a minute….huh?
The real Elaine drops down from a rope
Elaine: Guybrush! You stole my chance! Though that was real sweet coming after me….NEVER DO IT AGAIN!
Elaine and Guybrush kiss and then Guybrush is slapped
Le Chuck: ….huh?
Guybrush: Have some root beer
Le Chuck: thank you!
Le Chuck bursts like in an airhead commercial and flies outside
Guybrush and Elaine Exit
The National Anthem Is Playing
Guybrush: Elaine, even though Le Chuck was pure evil and was sponsored by Huggies…he really looks awesome blowing up against the night sky
Guybrush: I've Learned Something, never ever name your script 'The Secret Of Monkey Island' if you never find out what the secret is…
Elaine: well that's it…
Guybrush: and as Guybrush turned and saw the horrible creature…he knew it was…..
Guybrush: though this script is really crummy and short please understand this is a first…and laugh at it anyways. Thank you, and for the last words of this movie/script…thing (the only part you'll remember) REMEMBER THE ALAMO!