|The Curse of Monkey Island|
Script for a movie based on the game.
By: Matthew Kelly
Added: Thursday, March 1, 2001
The Curse of Monkey Island
By Matthew Kelly
Based on material by Jonathan Ackley and Larry Ahern
Scn 1- Distant shot of Monkey Island. There is a ferris wheel
visible on it, along with other bright buildings we can't make
out. It is day.
Caption: Deep in the Caribbean
Cam suddenly charges towards the island, but just as it is metres
off the shore, it banks sharply right and charges on until we
catch up with Guybrush Threepwood, floating on the ocean in
a dodgem car. He has a red helium balloon tied to his wrist
and is writing in a journal.
G: (voiceover) Captain's Log, Guybrush Threepwood. Lost at sea
for days now and unless I find water soon, I'm surely done for.
My snocone is long gone and the helium from my balloon affords
me no nourishment, but plenty of entertainment.
He unties the balloon, takes a breath of helium.
G: (sings) Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day and make it all seem worthwhile?
(voiceover) Only my hilarious comedy singing sustains me. And
sometimes the thought that I may still be reunited with my love
Elaine. I'm really thirsty now... maybe I could find an island
with some fruit to fight off the scurvy (a broken open crate
filled with tropical fruit floats past in the backround) hmm,
and a barrel of grog to wash it down (barrel of Grog floats
past) Oh but why do I torture myself like this, I know there's
nothing but ocean for miles and miles-
The boat shunts. G looks up to see that he has hit a big warship
attacking a fort on an island. Title appears in flame. Credits
appear on ancient manuscript, but are eventually ripped through
by LeChuck's sword-
Scn 2- revealing LeChuck, in his zombie form from MI2 standing
on the deck of the warship.
A cannon discharges at the fort, knocking down a parapet
revealing Elaine Marley behind it.
E: Geez LeChuck, take no for an answer already!
L: Can't you see that this salty old sea-corpse pines for you
every gentle caress?
E: Ah, I can't. I'm washing my hair tonight. (fires cannon)
L: Blast be your hair woman! Come with me and I'll make ye queen
of the dead.
E: You know, I don't think my father would approve of me dating
the undead. (fires) You're probably too nice a zombie pirate
for me anyway.
G starts to paddle towards the fort.
L: (looks down at noise) GUYBRUSH THREEPWOOD! (fires a cannon
downwards, we hear smashing of wood) Fish him out.
Some skeletons hoist G out of the water with a gaff.
L: I don't know how you escaped my carnival of the damned, but
you won't escape the taste of my blade!
A bullet knocks the sword from L's grasp. Shot of E blowing
the smoke off a blunderbuss.
L: Argh, throw him in the hold, I'll interrogate him as to how
he got out of Big Whoop after the battle!
G is tossed down a grate. L turns to a longboat of skeletons
wearing floaties and dino rings.
L: Launch the longboats! (they launch it) And bring me my voodoo
Scn 3- G sits in a gunport below decks. There is a locked door
behind him. A short pirate with a fake beard, a hook and an
eyepatch mans a cannon.
Caption: Part One
The Demise Of The Zombie Pirate LeChuck
G: I've got to get out of here. Then I can overpower the guards,
defeat LeChuck, rescue Elaine, start a family, open a Planet
Pirate: (Bloodnose) Quit your mumbling captive!
G: Hi! I'm selling these fine leather jackets.
G: No. I'm lying.
B: Well in that case I don't want one!
G: I'm Guybrush Threepwood, a mighty pirate!
B: I'm Bloodnose, a mightier pirate! I'm so tough in high school
I used to shove Davy Jones in his locker! I'm so tough I've
never been killed in battle!
G: What never?
B: No, never. (pause) Well, hardly ever. I'm so tough, I can
stand being flogged with a cat o' nine tails for 18 minutes!
Or two cats of six tails for fourteen minutes.
G: Say, why are you the only human crew member on this ship?
And why are you wearing a monocle behind your eyepatch?
B: It's to keep the dust out o' me eye socket!
G: Wait a minute... Wally! Don't you recognise me?
Wally: (for it is he) Oh gee. Hello Mr Wood.
G: Why would you sign on with LeChuck?
W: Well, after you left me for dead in his fortress, I didn't
have a lot of options. I had to take his audio seminars on parrot
course on how to be a pirate. You get a set of twelve parrots,
return as many as you like! Keep them all and live! All the
key phrases are in there. 'Fifteen men on a dead man's chest.'
'Blow the man down.' 'Who's a pretty boy then?' 'Hello sailor!'
G: I think all those lines refer to an aspect of pirating we'll
just keep in the closet thank you. Now take off that silly beard.
W: No, it's a highly sophisticated weave made from real pirate
back hair. I'm hoping it'll take root if I don't wash.
G: So what's going on? What happened to me? Last thing I remember
is blowing open a giant X to get to Big Whoop on Monkey Island.
W: I wouldn't know. All LeChuck said was that you were out of
the way. Right now he's trying to abduct Elaine as he did on
Melee Island before you interfered.
G: Gee, when you put it like that I think I might not rescue
her this time... I don't want to get a reputation for
interfering. But I wanna leave this place at least. Got the
W: I'm not Wally, I'm Bloodnose.
G: You're not a pirate! You're the cartographer formerly known
W: I'm not him!
G: Sure you are. The equator's nothing more than an imaginary
W fumes, draws his pistol.
W: One more word out of you like that-
G: Longitude, latititude, who cares? They're the same thing!
W: Right that's it! I'm gonna do you in! I'm gonna blast ya!
I- (bursts into tears) I, I can't do it! I'm just not a pirate!
(puts his hands to face to cry, pokes himself in the eye with
hook. He throws it aside, revealing a perfect hand)
W kneels down and sobs. G knocks on the door.
G: If there are any of you bloodthirsty fiends of the damned
out there, could you let met out for a second? It's not that
I'm trying to escape or anything. I'd just like to step outside
and enjoy an adult beverage. (no response) I wonder what's in
there. (looks through keyhole) I see a diorama of the children
of the world, living in peace and freedom! No wait, it's too
dark. Now what to do? (eyes the cannon, grins. Redneck voice)
Gonna shoot me up some skelly-tuns.
Shot out port, through which we can see the muzzle of G's cannon.
There is a group of skeleton filled longboats headed for the
fort which he fires at.
Skeletons: You're getting a little close there pal!
Who's side are you on?
He starts to sink them.
Skeletons: The fort you fool! Aim for the fort!
Who's manning that cannon?
You're gonna get us all killed! Again!
Wally! When we get back to the fort, you're gonna get it!
G sinks the lot, then leans out the porthole.
G: Ha ha! Once again, Guybrush Threepwood defeats-
Voice: I suppose I could pass the time by whistling...
Crane down to reveal a skull floating on a plank of wood.
Skull: (Murray) If I had lips. Well, at least I've lost some
weight. And I look good in hats.
G: I'm selling these fine leather jackets.
M: Like they'd be a lot of use to me.
G: Who are you?
M: Cower mortal, for you face Murray, the mighty demonic
skeleton! I mean skull!
G: I bet you'd look great with a melted candle on your forehead.
M: I get the feeling you're not taking me very seriously.
G: No no, I am.
M: Really? Then let me hear you scream in terror!
G: I'm too petrified to say anything.
M: (evil laugh)
G: Why do you villains laugh so much?
M: Somewhere a fish is nibbling on my foot and it really tickles.
G: Was your mother's father bald too?
M: I'm not bald, I just have a really high widow's peak!
G: And how do you see without eyes?
M: How do you walk around without a brain?
G: Hey a sword! I can be destructive with that!
G grabs the cannon's ramrod and uses it to fish a sword floating
by, with a skeletal arm still gripping it. He pockets both.
M: Hey that's my arm! Give that back!
G: If I gave you your arm back, what would you do with it?
M: Why, I'd terrorise the seas, torture the living- I mean,
I'd use it to pet kittens.
G: Nope. You blew it.
M: Drat. I shall wreak a terrible vengeance upon you!
G: What are you gonna do? Headbutt my toes?
M: Uh, could you pick me up so I could bite you?
G: We gotta be careful with all our head jokes. We already had
that navigator head character in the first movie. Don't want
to overlap material.
M: Ah, today's audiences have no retention. They wouldn't notice
if we just rehashed the exact same script.
G: I thought that's what we were doing.
M: How dare you insult my debut masterpiece! You shall quake
with fear and repentance, when I stride through the gates of
M: OK, roll! Roll through the gates of hell!
G: You mean you'll have an attendant bowl you places? Doesn't
sound very dignified for the king of hell. And I'm sure that
palace has staircases.
M: Oh stop being a cowardly staller and get on with fighting
G knocks M off the plank with the ramrod and withdraws into
the gunport. He spies the cannon restraint rope and draws his
G: Taste cold steel, feeble cannon restraint rope! (slashes
it, takes cannon firing cord in hand) Now if this don't trigger
some shenannigans, I don't know what will.
Scn 4- L is preparing to load a large green, glowing cannonball.
It has mystic sigils (and EM 4 LC) inscribed on it.
L: Now, with the flames of this vodu cannonball, my Elaine will
become a fire demon and a fitting undead bride! I'll blast my
significant other into the significant other world! (cutely)
That'll show her how much I truly care.
Scn 5- G fires the cannon. Unrestrained, the recoil sends it
rocketing backwards, taking him with it through the locked door.
Scn 6- On deck, the trembling of G's action makes L totter and
fumble the cannonball. During his acrobatics, he gets his boots
tied together in the anchor rope. He catches it successfully,
looks smug, then steps forward and falls due to the rope. He
drops it and it clanks of the cannon muzzle, but he catches
it before it hits the ground.
L: Neptune's navel! That was a close one! This is a volatile
(he notices the crack running up it and spreading)
Scn 7- E is watching the warship from her fort.
L's voice: MASKING TAPE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET ME SOME M-
Tremendous explosion of green light on board the warship.
Everything above deck has been disintegrated. Shot of L's boots,
kept tied together by the rope, rocketing off into the sky and
splashing down in the ocean. Back to E. She watches with horror
as the ship tips neatly upside down.
Scn 8- G sits in a room filled with treasure, the beat up cannon
G: Say, I must've rocketed right into the treasure hold! This
is my lucky-
The boat tips upside down and G finds himself on the ceiling
with a huge mound of gold coins poised to fall on him. As it
begins to fall and he runs away we get 'Ducktales' theme.
G: I've always hated golden showers!
The gold smashes through the ceiling, punching G down into the
ocean. Underwater shot of G swimming through the jewels and
gold. Murray floats into view and snaps at G's feet, but he
is kicked away. G spies a big beautiful diamond ring falling
past and grabs it. He surfaces and swims for shore.
Scn 9- E on the beach outside the fort, scans the ocean. CU
of her face.
E: Guybrush? Is that really you?
Pull back to reveal a G mockup standing in front of her. A string
pulls its mouth open.
Voice impersonating G: Yes and I-
Real G staggers from the ocean and kicks the mockup over. G+E
E: Oh Guybrush, I thought I'd lost you forever! Where have you
G: I don't know, I don't even know where I am right now! Am
I back on Booty Island?
E: You didn't come here to find me on purpose?
G: I've never done anything on purpose in my life Elaine. It's
fate that brings us together. It's a sign and for once it's
not 'stop'. This is the fourth time we've hooked up by chance...
E: This is only the third movie.
G: Yeah but it happened twice in the second one. Once when you
happened to have a Big Whoop map piece and again when you came
to investigate the explosion on Monkey Island. But you're killing
the romance! We've met up four times and I think someone's trying
to tell us something... (pulls out ring, holds it up) Will you
marry me? (slips it onto E's finger)
E: Oh Guybrush!
G: Oh Wally?
Pull back to show W standing between them.
W: Hello Mr Wood.
G: How did you escape the sinking ship?
W: I was thrown clear by the explosion. Lucky I wasn't wearing
my seat belt.
G: So not wearing seatbelts saves lives?
W: Yes. Stay out of seatbelts kids.
All three turn and give cam a cheesy wink.
W: Nice ring, Elaine!
E: I don't know you.
W: Er, Guybrush told me about you.
G: No I didn't.
W: OH CAN WE JUST GET ON WITH THE PLOT?
G: Yes of course, sorry.
E: It's an engagement ring from Guybrush.
W: Impressive! Say, it looks just like one of the rings LeChuck
had in his treasurehold (E gives G a black look) the one with
the horrible voodoo curse on it! (G looks worried) Well I'm
sure Guybrush wouldn't have given you that ring! I'd better
go, I hear there's a tattoo removal system on this island that's
freckle safe! See you at the wedding! (leaves)
E: (angry) Did you even pick this ring out or pay a single cent
for it or did your opportunistic shallow self just grab it from
the possessions of a zombie pirate whom you know to have loads
of vodu artefacts with awful effects?
E: Guybrush! (draws back fist to punch him, turns to gold)
Caption: Part Two
The Curse Gets Worse
G: Elaine? Hello? Uh oh, this must be the ring's curse. What
should I do with her? She's too heavy for me to move around,
but- say, I wonder how much she- no, bad idea. Maybe I can find
Turns to leave, falls over a plaque. G reads it.
G: This extremely lifelike commemorative statue of our governor
Elaine Marley is forged from solid gold and has stood watch
over coming ships as they enter the bay for years. Paid for
by the Plunder Island naturalist society. Hmm, Plunder Island.
Sounds appropriately piratey. But just how many islands is Elaine
governor of anyway? (leaves)
Scn 10- Beach becomes marshy and swamp like. He spies an archway
with a skull mounted over the top of it in front of a wrecked
ship converted into some sort of abode.
G: Well it's not overly inviting, but I once crawled down the
throat of a giant monkey into a ghost infested lava pit without
hesitation. And signed on for this movie.
As he passes under the arch, the skull (Murray) springs to life.
M: (laughs) Turn back, turn back! Do not go further into the
swamp! Darkness will envelop you!
G: Oh it's you again. How did you get up there?
M: Through sheer force of will!
G: Uh huh.
M: OK, a wierd little kid found me washed up on the beach and
hung me up here, thinking all the time that he was so funny.
Do you still have my arm?
G: You've got no collarbone.
M: Good point.
G: Do you want me to get you down?
M: No, I am standng here as a-
M: Hanging here as a testament to the evil vodu powers of the
G: Must get pretty dull.
M: NEVER! The forces of evil are never dull- Oh, who am I
kidding, I'm bored out of my skull. It's so lonely here, you're
the first person to pass through. I ain't got no body-
Red siren, awooga noise. G escapes into the ship.
Megaphone: Freeze, funny bones! Joke police! Noone gets away
with that one in this precinct! (cop runs on, grabs Murray)
Cop: How the heck are we going to cuff this one?
Scn 11- Vodu priestess store. A gum machine with a 'kick me'
note on it sits by the door. G kicks it, and takes the pack
of gum which falls out.
G: Surloin flavour! (He chews a piece and sticks it behind his
ear, then looks around) What an odd little place? What on earth
is a wrecked ship holding some wierd knick-knacks and a gum
machine doing in a swamp?
Priestess: (off) The gum machine's to add colour, make it a
more attractive place.
P descends from the ceiling on an ornate bucket seat.
G: Why if it isn't my old friend... er what was your name again?
P: I never gave it.
G: Why if it isn't my old friend! What are you doing here on
P: I realised that my location in the swamp on Scabb Island
wasn't so great for business.
G: So you moved to a swamp on a different island?
P: I'm a vodu priestess not a real estate agent!
G: Come to think of it, I never asked why you moved to Scabb
from Melee in the first place.
P: Lucky that. So, what ridiculous escapade have you gotten
yourself into this time?
G: I turned Elaine into a gold statue with a cursed ring I stole
from LeChuck just before he blew himself up.
P: Freeing Elaine from such a curse will be difficult. Where
did you hide her?
G: Hide her?
P: YOU LEFT YOUR SOLID GOLD GIRLFRIEND OUT IN THE OPEN ON AN
ISLAND FULL OF PIRATES?
G: Course not! Now if you'll excuse me I have a little errand
to run. (sprints away madly) DIBS ON THE GOLD STATUE! GET AWAY!
Scn 12- Same as 9, but E is gone and a boat is sailing away.
G: Oh no, those guys in the boat have pinched her! Oh this is
so embarrassing. I wasn't prepared for it, it's usually me who
has to be hidden when I go out with Elaine.
Scn 13- Same as 11.
G: Some dastardly fiend unravelled my complex series of clues
and located Elaine! She's been stolen!
P: Why the hell did you leave clues?
G: Just tell me I'm lying, we both know you're psychic. Do you
know who took her?
P: I'm getting the impression that it was the mangy pirates
anchored in Danjer Cove.
G: Danjer Cove huh? You should stay indoors, this could get
messy. (turns to go)
P: Wait! Don't you want to know how to break the curse?
G: My agent says the contract I signed is airtight.
P: You need to replace the cursed ring with a pure one of greater
or equal value. A good guideline is two months salary.
G: Isn't there a more budget conscious way of lifting the curse?
P: The biggest diamond ring I know of is on Blood Island.
G: Blood Island? Why have I never heard of any of the places
where I have my adventures? How do I get there?
P: Well, you'll need a map ship and crew.
G: I did the ship and crew collecting routine in the first one.
P: Yes, but this time there's a map! ALL THE THRILLS OF MONKEY
ISLAND ONE AND MORE! Be warned though Guybrush, I have seen
that if you go to Blood Island you will die.
G: And you're saying that this is a place I should go? Where's
the next biggest diamond ring you know about?
P: Things will hardly be safe if you stay here. There has been
all to much danger here, due to LeChuck, Elaine and a giant
G: Excuse me?
P: Well, now LeChuck has been vapourised, he's not so much a
problem but the island has other woes. (dramatic) Some say it
was a curse of the gods, some say it was-
P: What? I'm not at the scary part yet!
G: Oh sorry. Continue.
P: Some say it was a curse, others blind fate, but whatever
the impetus, IT CAME.
G: The infamous bear-pig of Plunder Island?
P: El Pollo Diablo the demon chicken! He terrorises the islanders
for their fowl eating ways! At night his blood curdling cluck
echoes through the jungle!
G: Is he establishing a new pecking order? Is he going to
buckbuckbuck the system?
P: Mock if you wil but BEWARE! Or be square!
G: Say, what's brewing in that pot there?
P: Oh, that's just a fondue. Would you like some?
G: Does it have any skink toes in it?
P: A few.
G: I'll pass. Say, what was the deal with Big Whoop. I dug down
to it and the next thing I clearly remember is sailing in a
carnival car in the ocean with a balloon and a snocone.
P: Big Whoop is pure evil Guybrush. You were lucky to escape
with your life.
G: Didn't you tell me to find it?
P: Yes, but you were not stealthy enough. LeChuck had plenty
of time and warning to prepare a trap for you.
G: But what was that trap? What happened to me and why don't
P: I see that you will return to Big Whoop and there you will
confront LeCuck where he will launch into an explanatory dialouge
even longer than this one, answering all your queries. But can
I help you with anything else?
G: I'd like to know about safe hair replacement systems.
P: No such thing. Anything else?
G: I wanna know more about fixed rate loans.
P: Bad idea. While attractive to the first time home ownder,
the rate reacts wildly to fluctuations in the market. You're
better off with a 2% down payment on the mortgage and a cash
deposit fund allowable to all shareholders.
G: And what about the Aztec god Quetzacoatal?
P: Nice fellow. Shorter than you might think.
G: And how about-
Scn 14- G is suddenly outside the Barbery Coast, a shop in the
town of Puerto Pollo.
G: -a few pointers on- Hey! (to cam) Alright, i can take a hint!
Dash through the plot mode initiated, your majesty!
He enters the shop.
Scn 15- Inside. The three men of low moral fibre are here. It
is a barber shop. Keg is drssed up like a dapper gentleman and
is sharpening razors. Frank is looking mean and washing neck
cloths in a tub. Fatty is dressed like a scotsman and cutting
the hair of an evil looking Frenchman with ridiculous hair.
K (soon to be renamed Edward): Welcome, to the Barbery Coast!
F (soon to be Bill): Where every haircut is an adventure.
Fatty (soon to be rechristened Haggis): (scots accent) Ay, and
if you're wanting a haircut, you'll have to wait your turn.
It's the pirate way.
G: Say, since when did you talk- but there's no time for that
now! I'm looking for some pirates for my crew! We're going to
sall to Blood Island for treasure!
Frenchman (Renee): Blood Island?
G: Yeah, I'm looking for a giant diamond ring!
E: Giant diamond?
G: I need to free my girlfriend who's been turned into a solid
B: Soild gold?
G: Wait a minute... did I just share too much? (engaging E)
What's up with you three? Why have you become pirate barbers?
E: We have rebirthed ourselves, and thrown aside our piratical
past. We prefer to think of ourselves as bucaneer hairstylists.
G: But what's with the outfits?
E: Edward Van Helgen, gentleman, at your service. I decided
that a bit of class and polish wouldn't hurt my bearing, the
others can speak for themselves.
G: I don't know if I want to ask them... they'll probably give
shoddy answers as the writer's taken a shocking liberty here.
In the game you were three new characters.
E: The audience loves a familiar face.
G: They'd better, that's all we've had so far. Well there was
Murray, but he doesn't have a face. And he's kind of a reprise
of the navigator anyway.
E: The music of the sea is something we all loved, but as we
could no longer in good conscience pirate, our theatrical
experiences widening our eyes to the social wrongs we caused,
we needed to find another way to keep maritime music in our
G: Through affordably priced sea shanty compilations? By hanging
out at the docks and whistling at passing sailors?
E: ...no. By becoming a barbershop quartet, of course!
G: Of course. But there are only three of you.
E: We had a tenor called Dominique but he left. Artistic
G: I could be the fourth for your barbershop quartet!
E: Hmm, let's hear what you've got.
G: (sings) For those long cold shipbound nights
We've got boxers, briefs and tights
Made from silk or made in satin
With styles anglo dutch and latin
When you sail don't take a chance
Wearing nothing 'neath your pants
Silver's Long Johns
E: My dear sweet merciful mother in heaven! You must now take
an oath before man and god, that you will never ever again sing
G: I was just getting warmed up! (sings)
Oh there's a monkey in my pocket and he's stealing all my change
His stare is blank and glassy I suspect that he's deranged
E: Sing again and I think you'll cause a stroke!
G: Well I didn't want be in your dumb little gang anyway. But
how about you joining my crew?
E: I could never serve on the crew of a man who wasn't a
gentleman and who wasn't my equal.
G: I'm your equal two times over you big ol' bed wetting
E: To make me join your cause, you would have to defeat me in
G: Alright! Let's get to duelin'.
E: No no, first you must give me sufficient insult.
G: Nice duds. How long have you been colourblind?
E: I'm not impressed.
G: Um, you're a big old bed wetting doody head?
E: Yes, we've established that.
G: How appropriate. You fight like a cow.
E rolls his eyes and resumes his work. After a pause, G removes
a shoe and slaps E over the cheeks with it.
E: Now there's a challenge! To the field of honour!
Scn 16- The field of honour. It is a meadow on a plateau
overlooking the town. There is a picnic table here and two
prominent trees with plaques. There are also two piles of logs
here. G stands waiting. E places a keg of rum on the table.
G: We're having a drinking contest? I warn you, the last drinking
contest I had-
E: No, it's for my picnic here after I shoot you dead.
E approaches with two guitar cases. He opens them and displays
the contents of pistols before G.
E: Choose your weapon!
We see G pick out a magnum, then glance back in the case and
toss the magnum over his shoulder. He pulls a banjo from the
G: I choose the banjo.
E: (takes banjo from other case) I accept!
G: You do?
Cut to the two back to back. They take ten paces, turn and
present banjoes. E strums a cool solo at G and gets the Harpic
tune in return. E does a bit of Page and gets Mary had a little
lamb, my dog has fleas, etc from Guybrush. Parody of the duelling
banjoes scene, except G is quite outclassed. G throws down his
guitar in disgust and E carries on in Hendrix mode. Shot reveals
citizenry waving lighters in the town.
G: Dang. I'll never beat him. Say, but maybe I can sell booze
to the crowd! (he turns the spigot on the keg and it pours out,
trailing down to the trees) Oh wait, I don't have any cups.
I suppose I'll have to charge 'em to drink it out of my hands,,,
I'd better test the goods first. (puts his mouth to the spigot,
swallows way more rum then he'd intended as his head momentarily
balloons up. He's a bit drunk) Woo! Good stuff. Hey Van Halen!
E: That's Van Helgen.
G: You suck! You think you come up here and beat me- (staggers
over to cases, picks up gun) I show you, you rat!
G fires a wild shot at E and hits the trail of rum, which ignites
and flames up to the keg which explodes, blowing one of the
trees sky high. It lands on a pile of logs and bounces before
G: Why tree bounce?
E: It's one of the native rubber trees we use for ship building
you drunk! Now put the gun away and let me entertain my public!
(resumes playing. Suddenly there is a bang and banjo goes dead)
WHAT? You shot my banjo! Why, of all the lowdown tricks, i've
never seen anything so low! You are a pirate after all! I'd
be proud to join your crew!
Scn 17- The Barbery Coast.
G: I'll need two more sailors for my crew. (approaches F, who
is eating a jawbreaker) I'm Guybrush Threepwood, here to serve
all your mighty pirate needs!
F: (silly macho voice) I'm the pirate formerly known as Frank.
My new gimmick is to be really tough and unfazable. My new name's
G: Bill? That's your big intimidating new name? Bill?
F: (turns to G, revealing a big blood stain on the sheet he
is cleaning) Cutthroat Bill.
G: Well that puts a whole new spin on it. Are you having fun
in this line of work?
B: What are you getting at?
G: Well... cutting hair and singing... sounds like it must be,
B: It's like a party that never ends. Sometimes I get up in
the morning and the happiness is so intense I simply can't
contain it. I get giddy, and the laughter and gaiety bubbles
out of me like a sparkling fountain of mirth.
G: At least you're not repeating the performance last time I
met you. You cornered me in that laundry and just told me a
long irrelevant story.
B: That reminds me of my journey aboard the Obsessivo Compulsivo.
Our captain had managed to persuade us that he had an odd sixth
sense for sniffing out valuables. After a few days of wandering,
we realised that the valuables on board the ship were throwing
the captain off, so we tossed all our gold and jewelery into
the bay. We sailed on, into the thick eerie mists, our spirits
dampening as wearily-
G: is this going to be scary? Because I warn you, I have been
known to leap into the arms of total strangers when terrified.
B brandishes his razor.
B: Fed up with the captain's promises we turned around and headed
back for Melee Island. But just as we had given up all hope,
the captain payed off! We found an enormous pile of gold and
jewelery at the bottom of the bay!
G: Great, would you like to join my pirate crew?
B: Why should I follow you?
G: I score excessively high on standardised tests!
B: And whaddya have to show for it? Gold? Jewels?
G: I've got this gum.
B: You couldn't find gold in a jewelery shop. Prove to me you
can find loot and then I'll join your crew.
G: Are you eating a jawbreaker?
G: Can I have one?
B spits his out onto the ground.
B: There's one.
G picks it up.
G: Gee, thanks... it's only got a little spit and hair on it.
I think I'll save it, don't want to spoil my dinner. I'll be
seeing you later, when I've got some gold.
G attempts to talk to Fatty.
R: Do not distract this buffoon while he is eyeballing my
G: (to R) I'm Guybrush Threepwood, and-
R: I see. And I don't care.
G: But I'm a mighty pirate!
G: What do you mean hah?
R: Like I said, 'hah'!
G: I'm mighty enough to defeat LeChuck! Twice! Well at least
once. Maybe once and a bit, I'm still not sure how much of a
victory the second-
R: I don't care how mighty you are, your ponytail is so 1670s.
G: Well how's you like to be on my crew?
R: Don't make me laugh! I am Renee Rottingham, and I serve under
no man. Or boy. If anybody's going to go to Blood island and
find a giant diamond, it's me. And I'll look absolutely stunning
while I'm doing it.
G: I can see you command respect. Your're lucky that gray hair
lends you an air of authority.
R: IT DOESN'T! I mean of course it would. But not yet it doesn't.
G: I wouldn't worry, they're doing wonderful things with dandruff
shampoo these days.
R: I'll have you know I've killed men for less than that.
G: Look, why don't you just vamoose so I can talk this third
R: I am not leaving until my hairstyle is finished.
G: The calls are coming from inside the barbershop! You must
get out immediately!
R: What are you talking about?
G: There's an axe wiedling maniac at the door! Flee!
R: Forget about him, there's a maniac standing right next to
G: Captain Rottingham? You're being paged.
R: Go away.
Fatty (H) lays down the comb and trims a bit. G picks up the
comb and runs it through his own hair, then lays it back down.
H picks up the comb and cries out.
H: Holy infestation! Ye've got the dreaded hair demons! (CU
of comb to show lice on it) They're wriggling about yer scalp
like pack of wretched sealions! The scourge of every hygenic
sailor on the seas! I'm going to have to amputate before ye
infect the whole shop!
R: Now let's not be too rash-
G: Rash? That's a bad sign...
H: I'm bringing in old ironsides!
R: NO, YOU'LL RUIN MY HAIR!
H lifts R up by the chin, produces a sword and with a single
swipe cuts R bald then tosses him outside.
G: (to cam) Hey, I've been lost at sea, you expect me to keep
my hair clean? (pause) Well I guess some people have lower
standards than others. (to H) So how come you can talk now?
H: Oh I always could. But in our first encounter I'd got the
wrong medication and in the second one me two friends were just
G: I didn't expect you to be scottish.
H: Ay. Me given name is Sheepsentrailsboiledinitsownstomach
G: Your parents were expecting a girl?
H: Ay, but all me friends just call me Haggis.
G: I always kinda liked you better than the other two. You never
persecuted me about a rat or told me a really long story.
H: Really long story you say? Well now, I know one of those.
I'd just signed on with the Raging Tightwad and we'd journeyed
out to mysterious Blunderbuss Cove, where befell us a truly
G: Is this going to be scary? Because I'm easily startled and
will scream like a little girl.
H: Our brave captain, Big Mack Donald, dug up the treasure and
hopped down into the hole where the chest sat. He attempted
to lift it himself to show his manhood and the sound of his
back cracking brought a tear to every eye. We each tried in
turn and come dusk we were all lying on the beach writhing in
G: Why didn't you lift with your knees?
H: That would've been the coward's way out! Eventually, we
managed to lift it with a complicated series of fulcrums and
pullies. But before we opened the chest, we realised that these
valuable antiques didna' truly belong to us and they were duly
returned to the local historical society.
G: I can see why you became a barber. But how'd you like to
give pirating another shot and join my crew?
H: You're a nice fellow Guybrush, but a man must be my better
to lead me and to be my better, he must beat me in a time
honoured test of strength.
G: Helping you move?
H: Oh could you? I've only a bed and a few boxes of books.
G: That's the test of strength?
H: No, I'm talking about the caber toss.
G: Oh, but in school I was always picked last for caber
Scn 18- The field of honour. G+H each stand by a log pile. H
tosses his log fairly. G lifts up the rubber tree trunk he blew
there in his duel with Edward and sort of pushes it, but it
bounces away into the horizon.
H: By the spiralling bouffaint of me great Aunt Nelly! Never
before have I seen such strength! I'll join your crew!
Scn 19- Outside the Barbery Coast.
G: That's two sailors for my crew. Maybe I should explore more
of this place.
Reads an inscription on the fountain.
G: In memory of the chickens who gave their lives during the
Puerto Pollo potluck jamboree of 1644.
Reads a poster.
G: Hey, one freel meal for every new Plunder Island arrivee
at Blondebeards Chicken shack!
G approaches a building with skull and cross bones Colonel
Sanders on a crows nest and enters.
Scn 20- Blondebeard, a white bearded pirate (with a gold tooth)
who scratches his butt with his hook bounds up to G.
B: Do ye have a reservation?
G: i'm here for my free meal.
B: Thank heavens someone finally moved here! The backed up waste
in the sink- I mean special reserve premiere food for first
free meals was becoming a fire hazard!
G sits down at a table. B presents him with an unpleasant looking
chicken and then offers a plate of biscuits.
B: Would you like one of my special buttery biscuits? They've
got a surprise filling!
G: Gee, OK!
G takes a biscuit and bites into it. It's filled with cartoonish
G: Urgh! It's filled with maggots! What sort of treat is that?
B: Who said anything about a treat? I said a surprise! Maggots
make a fantastic surprise! It's a good thing too 'cos I can't
keep 'em out of the food.
The maggots leap out of the biscuit and devour the chicken to
a skeleton, then swarm down the table leg, up B's trousers and
back onto the biscuit plate. There's a card inside the chicken
skeleton, which G takes.
G: It's a membership card for the Brimstone Beach club. How
B: Not really. I had that in my shirt pocket here and I was
whipping up a batch of chickens, when I must have moved so
frantically, the card flew out and fell inside one!
G: I figured. But that wasn't what I was referring to as odd.
There seems to be something wrong with the film's chronology.
G: While there's no actual contradictions, my acquiring the
card now is nonsensical, as I've no need yet to visit the
Brimstone Beach club. The card's discovery means nothing. It
should have happened after I had an incentive to go there.
B: Maybe the card's discovery is the incentive to go there.
G: That's weaker than Geri Haliwel's high C!
B: Perhaps I can distract you with an admirals bucket o' booty?
It contains only the most important parts of a chicken, the
organs, fried golden brown. We've also got plenty of crunchy
crispy beaks and wattles. And don't forget our special refillable
G: Im a bit suspicious about your specials now...
B: The refillable grog is great! You know how when you buy a
refillable grog at another place, You can only refill it while
you're in the store and as soon as you leave, you're on your
last drink? Well, we here at Blondebeard's mix our carbonated
grog with a tasty purgative, meaning you can refill your mug
as often as you like, even after you've left the store, provided
your aim is good.
G: Well, that's enough for me, my appetite's all gone.
B: But you didn't eat anything!
G: Nevertheless, my appetites all gone. (gets up) Say, nice
gold tooth! Uh here, have a jawbreaker.
B takes the jawbreaker and crunches down on it.
B: Ouch, I think I loosed me gold tooth! But it had a fine crunch
and were a fiesta o' flavour! All the same, I'd better stick
to softer sweets from now on.
G: Well, I got some gum here.
G hands B a stick of gum.
B: Many thanks to ye!
B blows a big bubble in which we can see his gold tooth resting.
G pokes it and it pops. The gold tooth flys outside.
B: Why, ya little scamp! Stop teasing kindly old captain
G: OK, I really gotta be going.
B: Be seeing you. Oh, but mind ye keep an eye out for El Pollo
Diablo, I've a feeling he has it in for me, what with all the
chickens I've killed.
G: Actually I think he should quite like you. The way you present
your chicken, you're probably scaring many people off ever eating
it again. In the long run, you're doing the chicken race a lot
B: Oh shut up.
Scn 21- G picks up B's tooth.
Scn 22- The barbershop. G is presenting the tooth to Bill.
B: Is that real gold?
G: Yep. I don't think you'll want to give it the bite test
B: Biting a tooth... how cosmically ironic...
B: Well, you've proven you have at least some skill in finding
gold. I'll get my stuff ready and join your crew.
G: I have a complete crew! If only I had s ship to put them
Scn 23- Shot of a pirate ship collecting the barrel of grog
that floated past G in scn 1. A thin pirate is using a gaff
to pull stuff aboard and giving it to a fat pirate.
Caption: Meanwhile, off the coast of Plunder Island
Fat: A barrel of grog! (tosses it into a storeroom, near a
blazing fire) Let's pull up anchor and make for Skull Island.
Andre will pay through the nose for this loot!
Thin: Wait a minute... there's something else...
CU of LeChuck's boots, still tied together and resting on the
plank. A green mist emenates from them. T hoists them up.
T: Hey, nice leather boots! I think they're about your size!
F: What a stroke of luck! Toss 'em by the fire to dry.
T unties them and throws them by the fire. We hear L's laughter
as they land. A spark leaps from the fire and into the boots
and a glow begins to rise from the foot openings. MS of T in
the door, leaving the storeroom. Suddenly, a fire flares up
behind him off-screen and he turns in terror. We hear L's full
throated laughter and the cam zooms in on T's terrified face.
LS of the boat and we hear T screaming.
Scn 24- Cam tracks along a jungle path.
Plunder Island Naturalist Society Nature Trail
Cam discovers G peering through some bushes and spying on the
ship that took E.
G: That must be the pirates who stole Elaine! I can see her
up there in the crow's nest! How am I going to carry her off,
even if I get up there... unless I stole their boat with Elaine
on it! Two monkeys with one banana!
G swims out to the ship (which is labeled Sea Cucumber) and
climbs up by hoisting himself up on the plank.
Scn 25- Aboard the ship. A barrel of tar stands by a door which
leads into the mess. There are a few banana skins about.
Voice: (singing) -have no bananas today- (speaking) Who's there?
The voice (Mr Fossey) bursts out of the mess. He is a simian
men who looks like Steve Buscema. His eyes twitch as he talks
and he has a sword.
F: Who are you?
G: (hysterically) I'M GUYBRUSH THREEPWOOD AND I MEAN TO KILL
F: Well, Mr Threepwood, you're in for a nasty surprise! You've
come aboard, the Sea Cucumber, captained by none other than
that scourge of the seven seas, LeCh- (something itterupts him,
he leans into the mess) It's an intruder sir, I'm dealing with
G: Oh no! Not LeCh!
F: Men! (a half dozen monkeys brandishing cutlasses and wearing
pirate gear appear from various places and surround G) We'll
show you what we do to hostile boarders! Do you wish to be tarred
and feathered, or to walk the plank?
G: I walked the plank on my way up.
F: Not good enough. But I suppose we'll settle for the plank
solution. Tar and feathers is messy, and we need the tar to
fix ship repairs anyway.
F marches G to the edge of the plank.
F: Any last words?
G: (hysterics) I'LL BE BACK TO KILL YOU ALL!
F: In ya go!
G jumps. Silence.
F: That's funny, there was no splash.
Scn 26- G hanging on the underside of the plank. He pulls himself
back up onto deck and the plank snaps off.
Scn 27- The monkeys screech as they see G. F returns from the
F: Again with the sneakin' on board the ship! This time I'm
gonna make you walk that plank so hard you'll- Pardon cap'n?
(leans into mess) Vandals? (leans back out) It seems our plank
is out of order.
G: Couldn't I just jump through the gap in the safety rail where
F: Are you insane? If pirates just jumped of stuff without a
plank, the whole system would come apart! We'll just have to
go for tar and feathers.
A monkey zlips down into the bunks and returns with a pillow.
A second monkey hanging from the rigging by its tail grips G
by the head, lifts him and dunks him in the tar barrel. The
first monkey pulls the pillow over his body so it bursts and
covers him with feathers. G stands there for a moment.
F: There! That'll learn ya!
G: (pause) Now what?
F: I dunno. We've never done this before. Arncha humiliated?
G: Yeah I guess, but no more than usual.
F: Well just get lost then.
Scn 27- F rows away in a longboat after depositing G back on
G: I gotta get these feathers off before I try rescuing Elaine
again. Say, maybe thos barbers can cut them out! Maybe I could
get a french braid while I'm at it...
Scn 28- G enters Puerto Pollo.
G: -or some Dreads. Say, i wonder what happened to him, his
character did sort of mysteriously disappear.
Shot through Blondebeard's window of B observing G walking
through town. B rushes out with a frying pan and confronts G.
B: Madre de dios! Es el pollo diablo!
B hits G unconscious with the fry pan.
B: Imagine the meat on this one! Maybe enough to fill the order
for those piggish pirates in Danjer Cove!
Scn 29- G awakes in a huge Blondebeard chicken bucket. He is
in F's mess. F sits at a table filled with garlic breads, slaws,
grogs etc. Next to him is a gormless gorilla wearing a pirate
F: I'm telling you Captain LeChimp, this statue is our greatest
G: LeChimp? But if the captain's a monkey- and the crew's all
monkeys- then Mr Fossey must be-
F: (salutes) Ay ay sir! Fresh bananas for the whole crew!
G: A total loony. Time to practice my ventriloquism. (Hugh Grant
voice, throwing it to LeChimp) Mr Fossey, I've been thinking.
F: Are you OK Captain? You sound different.
G: Never mind that now. It has occurred to me that we are all
nothing but monkeys.
F: You mean in the Darwinian sense sir?
G: No, I mean in the quite literal sense. A monkey's home is
at land, in the trees. Swinging from branches and grooming for
lice, that's the life of a Taiwanese prime minsiter- I mean
monkey, not sailing the high seas. I think we should abandon
ship and go back to nature.
F: Well OK sir, if you think it's for the best. It'll be hard
on the men sir.
G ducks down in the bucket as F gets up and leads LeChimp away
Scn 30- G sails into Puerto Pollo in the Sea Cucumber. He stands
in the crows nest beside the radiant shiny Elaine.
G: Well, the monkeys have left the building and the ship's mine.
I can get my men to start loading... but I still need a map.
The Brimstone Beach card leaps out of his pocket and hits him
on the chin with force. He falls over, picks the card up and
we get a CU of it.
Scn 30- As G lowers the card, we see the Brimstone Beach club.
A cabana boy stands by a grill. Beyond him a very pale man
Boy: Good morning sir! Waters warm and the waves aren't too
high! Todays events include a gentlemanly conduct in
swordfighting class over by the sand castle display area or,
if you're feeling a bit less rowdy, there's a workshop on dying
your parrot to match your outfits in gazebo 3. Todays grill
special is our 'I can't believe it's not roadkill' line of
cylindrical meat packages. Be careful of that sun, and the
occasional undead corpse from the battle earlier washing up
on shore. Just between you and me, the dead are notoriously
bad tippers. A ha ha ha! I'll just need to see your
identification and you can go right on in.
G: You don't need to see my identification.
B: I don't need to see your identification.
G: I'm not the pirate you're looking for.
B: You're not the- Hey! That force thing only works when your
mind is stronger! So in other words, it'll never work for you!
Now if you're not a member, then I'm afraid you cannot use any
of the club's amenities.
G: I don't want any amenities. I had to eat those while I was
lost at sea. They were awful.
B: If you're thinking about joining, you'd have to clean your
scruffy self up and get some decent clothes. Then you'll have
to pass both the written exam and the oral presentation. Then
there's the background check, family history, credit rating,
palm greasing, boot licking, six month observation period and
the hazing trials. And then I'd blackball you.
G: I know the secret handshake.
B: Ever since Mr Meathook joined, we dropped the secret
handshake. It got kind of messy. But of course, all members
G flashes his card.
B: No! In the name of all things clean!
G: Now I'll just stroll down your beach and-
B: We can't have the likes of you here! You mustn't!
G: I must. And I must also sunbathe nude.
B: Actually, it is rather nice at the FAR end of the beach.
You should go there. You should go there now.
G: Do you have any classy drinks on offer?
B: But of course sir. We have grog coolers, a rum and peach
G: Hold it, this is swanky enough for me.
G takes the bottle of cooking oil from atop the grill and has
a nice refreshing swig from it. B looks suicidal as G, holding
his oil bottle approaches the pale man.
G: Whoa! If I bleached chalk it wouldn't be as pale as you!
Palido: Hey! What the heck is your problem babe? I'm just tryin'
to put a tan on my pale self here capiche babe? And what might
I ask are you doing here disturbing me?
G: That's a good question. I've just been getting hints that
I should go to the Brimstone Beach club. I'm looking for a map
to Blood Island but-
P: Never heard of it.
G: Oh. Well perhaps you have some item that I could-
P: I doubt it babe.
G: Well who are you then? Why are you in this movie?
P: I'm Palido Domingo, agent to the stars babe. I've just been
booking some acts here on Plunder Island. You seen the dance
of the demented starfish over at the performing arts center?
G: Uh, no.
P: Shame. I'm getting ready to take this Shakespearian medley
troupe over to Blood Island for-
G: Blood Island? I thought you just said you've never heard
P: I'm sorry babe, it's your face. There, I said it, I hope
you can forgive me, but Blood Island is just not where I see
you going with your career right now. I got an opening for a
human cannonball on Melee Island that you might-
G: It's Blood Island or nothing.
P: OK babe, if that's the way it's gotta be, then that's the
way it's gotta be. But you're gonna hafta to find yourself new
G: Just tell me how to get to Blood Island.
P: I don't actually know.
G: Does your navigator know?
P: Not by heart. It used to be a real hotspot for performance,
so I had a map of the area tattooed on my back for navigators
to read. I kept losing paper maps.
G: Well can I see it?
P: Sure, I was gonna turn over to tan my back now anyway.
P rolls over, revealing a complex sea chart on his back.
G: I'll never memorise that. Say Palido, mind if I rub some
suntan lotion into your back?
P: OK, but no funny business. Those rumours about the theatre
business only apply to the talent, not the management.
G rubs the cooking oil all over the tattoo. After a few moments
the sun cooks it all crispy and G peels it off.
G: I think this exposure to the sun is really clearing your
P: Really? I think so too.
G: Well I gotta go pitch a script.
P: what's it about?
G: It's called 'Billy And The Cloneasaurus'. It's about a
futuristic theme park where they clone dinosaurs from preserved
P: You must be joking! You blatantly rip off one of the most
popular movies of its time and give it a ridiculous title that
noone could possibly like! What were you thinking? WHAT WERE
YOU THINKING? I can't stand plagiarism.
Scn 31- Shot of ship from 23. Fat+Thin are mopping the decks.
They are now in skeletal form.
F: Whaddya know? I really am big boned!
T: Uh oh! I smell brimstone... he's coming!
They throw down their mops and stand to attention. A stream
of fire darts forth from the hold and coils up the mast before
collecting in the crow's nest. Bones, then sinew, then flesh
form inside the fire, before the demon form of LeChuck is fully
revealed. He has sulphorous skin and a flaming beard, as well
as his usual clothes.
L: Argh, I'm dead thrice over and I've never felt more alive!
The voodoo cannonball supposed to turn Elaine into my she-devil
bride has instead turned me into a demonic pirate king and your
little fireplace served as a splendid spark to my fire thriving
essence! I'm more powerful than ever! Now set sail for my
stronghold on Monkey Island you sissified sea urchins! I have
a plan to enact! One that will finally deliver Elaine to me!
Ah Elaine.. 'twill be a sweet day in hell when you press your
flame retardent lipstick coated lips to mine... ay, tis good
to be dead! (laughs)
Scn 32- G+Haggis+Bill+Edward stand on the deck of the Sea
Cucumber, around the map to Blood Island.
G: Well crew, onward to Blood Island and-
E: (sniffs the air) Ay the sea!
B: Makes a man feel alive!
H: The sunlight sparkling of the bay!
E: What a glorious seafaring day!
Another ship appears to the right of the Sea Cucumber and starts
bearing down on them.
G: Hey, I think that ship's following us.
B: Look guys, a whale!
B+E+H run off to the left and peer over the rail.
G: Guys, they're boarding us!
Renee leaps onboard.
R: And zo we meet again, mesewer Theephood.
R: If anyone is going to find this giant diamond on Blood Island,
it will be me! It will make an excellent paper weight for my
B: It's breaching!
H: Judging by it's markings I'd say it's a member of the suborder
R: Hand over that map!
G: (draws sword) Never! En garde! Touche!
R: (draws sword) Oh that is so cliche!
G: When your father first saw you he must have been mortified!
R: At least mine can be identified.
G: You're as repulsive as a monkey in a neglige!
R: I look that much like your fiancee?
R defeats G.
E: That whale must weigh three metric tons! And be 32 metres
long: one hundred feet.
R: I win! My witty french repartee is too much for you! Now
give me that map.
G picks up the slimy skin map and hands it to R.
R: Ewww, that's your map? What kind of letterhead is that?
Shot of R's ship sailing away from G's, then cut back to the
deck. B+E+H are now standing in a row to G's right.
G: Thanks for the help guys.
B: It was a rousing sea battle!
H: And it reminds me of a song.
The three start dancing and music starts.
H: We're a band of vicious pirates
B: A sailing out to sea
E: When you hear our dreadful singing
H: Ye'll be sure to turn and flee!
G: (who doesn't sing) Let's go defeat that evil pirate!
E: He'll be beaten by our cannon 'cos we know just where to
B: We're balladeer corsairs
H: We can sing in every clef
E: We can even hit the high notes
B: It's too bad that we're tone deaf
BEH: A pirate I was meant to be
Hoist the sails and roam the sea!
G: Less singing, more sailing!
E: When we defeat our wicked foe, his ship he will be bailing!
H: We're troublesome cuthroats
B: And untrustworthy mugs
E: To fight us off you don't need guns
H: Just jolly good ear plugs
G: Come on, we need to recover that map!
B: That pirate will be done for when he falls into our trap!
E: We're a pack of vicious thieves
H: But we pity not a man
B: We all eat roasted garlic
E: Then sing from the diaphragm!
BEH: A pirate I was meant to be
Hoist the sails and roam the sea!
G: Stop, stop, stop!
B: The cannon's what we'll polish and the deck is what we'll
H: We've come to steal your jewels
E: And to plunder all your treasures
B: We would kill you in the downbeat
H: But we'd have to rest five measures
G: I'm getting so sick of you guys and your rhyming!
H: We're ready to set sail though the cannons need a priming!
E: We will fight you on the sea
B: We wil fight you on the sand
H: But when you're faced with singing pirates
G: They'll be more than you can stand!
B: Oh! That was a good one!
G: No it wasn't. (pause) We'll surely avoid scurvy if we all
eat an orange.
B: Uh... doorhinge? No...
Silence. Music winds down, dancing slows.
E: The cannons need more range?
H: Nope, I lost the rhythym.
B: Guess the song's over then.
E: Guess so.
G: Right, now let's come up with a plan to get that map back!
Scn 33- R is relaxing on his ship deck next to a table with
the map on it. Following happens very fast. G's ship suddenly
pulls up alongside and G+B+E+H all leap out, pounce on R, kick
him to the ground, grab the map and run off. After a few seconds,
B comes back and tips the table over then leaves. Shot of G's
ship sailing on.
G: Hey didn't the game this was based on, have like puzzles
Caption: Part Three
The Bartender, The Thieves, The Aunt And Her Lover
Scn 34- Later. A dreadful storm has enveloped the ship. G
struggles to keep the ship on tack while E+B run madly around
in the background performing tasks.
G: Haggis! Lend a hand!
CU of H's face. He is straining furiously.
H: I'm barely holding on meself mate!
Track out to reveal he is doing nothing but keeping his kilt
down in the wind.
H: By the gods! This wind- she's the devil's own!
G's POV. The ship rides up and down on the waves a few times,
before they crest a particularly huge one and the mist breaks,
revealing the imposing spectacle of Blood Island and its
impressive volcano in the near distance. Track in on G's
screaming face as we hear splintering wood and and a fade to
darkness. The scream continues for a while.
Scn 35- G is lying on the beach, beside the wrecked Sea Cucumber,
which H+B+E are repairing.
G: I must have been knocked out during the crash.
H: Actually you passed out as you screamed so much ye deprived
yer brain of oxygen.
G: (looks) Hey! Where's Elaine? She's not in the crow's nest
E: When we hit, she was thrown into the woods a wee way. She's
a solid girl, she'll be alright. Fixing the ship will be a hassle
though... for some reason the tar barrel's been emptied, we've
nothing to patch the leaks with.
G: Well we can repair the ship later guys. Our first priority
is to find this diamond ring.
H: I'm afraid that's not a priority at all sir. This is a mutiny.
We're leavin' ya.
B: We're hearing the song of the siren, and she's saying that
she wants us to do her hair.
E: Pirating with you has been fun, but really all this hard
labour is murder on our hand lotion supply.
G: You mutineers had best beware!
H: Oh really? Why?
G: Because only an idiot would wear a kilt with highly polished
H: You're right! I had best beware!
B: Well, no hard feelings Guybrush, and we hope you find your
golden girl. But if the curse proves too hard to lift, I'll
take her off your hands for only the smallest of fees.
G: (hugs B) I love you man!
E: Group hug! (all hug)
G: Gee, all this is making me realise how much I really miss
Elaine. I'm gonna get on with rescuing her.
B+H+E: Bye Guybrush!
Scn 36- A clearing in which Elaine stands. G enters.
G: Well, she seems to be OK. HANG ON HONEY! I'M GOING TO GET
YOU OUT OF THIS! Now, if I was going to hide a gigantic diamond
ring on Blood Island, where would I put it? (checks his pocket)
Darn. (notices a light coming through the trees) Oh no! They've
come back to give me yet another probe! No wait, let me
Scn 37- A cannibal village at the base of the volcano. There
is a table laden with vegetarian food, including a large block
of tofu. There is a soy idol centrepiece.
G: It's a frozen soy carving of Leroy, god of fingerfoods and
chafing dishes. But I wonder where all the cannibals are.
He spots Lemonhead guarding an ornate gateway.
G: Say, didn't we bump into each other on that cruise to Monkey
L: I can't say I remember you, but then there were so many
faceless tourists, it'd be odd if I did.
G: Well if you're going to be rude like that, you'll never get
the tourist crowd here!
L: Good! Our new policy is to be unfriendly to the white man.
Otherwise we give him a few bead necklaces, he shows them to
his friends at a dinner party, they all want some too, they
come by with pottery orders... pretty soon, cannibalism is 'in'
and we're swimming in shallow socilaite cannibal wannabes.
G: But wouldn't these trendy types make good cannibals? After
all, cannibalism is the most pure form of capitalism.
L: What did (director) say about expressing your raging communist
tendencies in front of the cameras Guybrush?
G: Hey you do remember me! You know my name!
L: Alright I do, but only because you stole my pet head. I just
didn't want to bring it up and have some stupid fight with you.
But where is the head?
G: He's a carny in the Melee Island circus, telling fortunes.
L: Melee Island? Any carny worth their salt goes to Monkey
Island. That's where they've opened that big flash theme park.
That's kind of why we left. The carnival was attracting all
these vulture tourists. That and the volcano was getting active
again, which didn't help.
G: But there's an active volcano here!
L: Ah, but this volcano is inhabited by a volcano god, who can
be appeased and controlled. It wasn't easy though. When we first
got here, we gave him several dozen people and cows as a
sacrifice. We nearly died from the resulting volcanic diarrohea!
Turns out Sherman the volcano god is lactose intolerant! Now
he only gets fresh fruit and vegetables five times a day. We'd
be feeding him right now, but the new vegan shaman who's supposed
to draw up a diet plan for Sherman hasn't got here yet from
G: Can I watch the feeding?
L: Non cannibals are not permitted to witness the actual
ceremony. Postcards and slides are available in the lobby.
G: I wanna be a cannibal.
L: Great! But there's initiation trials of course. First, you
must listen to a raw All Saints vocal track without any overdubs
G: AGHH! Did I say cannibal? I meant I want to be a cannonball!
Yeah! Boom! Woohoo!
L: You're not quite stable are you?
G: Can I see the volcano if I give you this? (offers the map)
Crisp crunchy skin, fried to perfection.
L: I don't eat that anymore. Out of respect to Sherman, we've
all become vegetarians ourselves. Though there was a time when
I'd have simmered you in a garlic and white wine sauce, stuffed
you with shallots and served you on a bed of basmati rice with
G: But you don't do that anymore right? (pause) Right? (pause)
You must have trouble getting through customs with a head like
that. As for living in fear of the fruit fly menace-
L starts squeezing G's arm.
G: I'm gonna go check out the gift shop.
G runs away and hides behind the table. L sighs and resume his
G: I've got to find a way up that volcano! (pause) No I don't!
I've got to find that diamond ring! What am I doing wasting
my time here? Oh, but I bet the special effects will be so cool
in the volcano... aha!
He picks up the tofu block and carves eyes and a mouth into
it, then pushes his head inside it and approaches L. He grabs
a piece of cheese from the table which he munches through the
G: (Um Bongo voice) Me be Tofuface, vegan magic man! Me wavum
prayer sticks at sick volcano!
L: I see that spirulina liqour you were developing has worked
out. Explains why you were late too. Come on, the ceremony's
ready to begin.
Scn 38- An altar erected above the caldera. Sharptooth and
Redskull, redressed as a Pineapple and a Coconut stand on either
side of a man composed of fruit and veges which is tied to an
L: Pineapplenoggin! Coconutbonce! We are ready! (to G) We feed
him this human substitute. It doesn't really taste like a human,
but it has a similar texture. (intones) OH GREAT GOD OF THE
VOLCANO, PLEASE ACCEPT THIS HUMBLE SACRIFICE, LOW IN FAT, HIGH
IN FIBRE AND CONTAINING 20% YOUR RDA OF PROTEIN!
Coconut+Pineapple draw their knives and chop the sacrifice up
quickly. The altar top detaches like a chopping board and they
tip the slices into the volcano.
L: And now Tofuface, make your special offering.
G: Oh, um, well-
G tosses his remaining cheese in. A trembling starts.
L: You fool! You've given cheese to a lactose intolerant god!
You have brought about the coming of the divine dysentery!
Scn 39- Establishing shot of Blood Island. With a tummy rumbling
and a burping noise, lava spills over the mouth of the volcano
and flows down the side. Cut in closer to see a stream flowing
down, which G rides atop his rapidly melting tofu block. He
leaps off and pulls himself onto the platform of an inoperative
lighthouse which starts to work as the lava enters a mechanism
G: Wow! I had no idea they had geothermally powered lighthouses
in 17th century carribean islands! If I were writing a history
paper and included that fact, I'd get an A+! And that A+ might
just get you into the college of your choice. Think about it.
We get G's POV as he peers into the landscape of the now lit
Blood Island. We see a building next to a cemetary. G enters
the shot from the bottom and goes into the building.
Scn 40- A posh resort lobby. A large well dressed Englishman
(B) is behind the bar and a suspicious looking old gypsy lady
(X) eyes G from one corner. G looks at a poster for grog sporting
a familiar brunette bimbo.
G: How juvenile. Don't the woman who pose for these pictures
realise- Hey, that's Elaine! So that's where the money for her
governor campaign came from.
B: You'd be surprised how many politicians make their start
by pimping themselves.
G: But isn't the pimping usually metaphorical?
X: And what do you mean get their start? Isn't that their whole
G: Ooh! An authentic colour adding gypsy lady! I always wanted
one of those but I couldn't find one that added a colour to
go with the throwpillows. (reads her plaque) Madame Eximmer.
X: Xima, Xima, Xima!
G: I understand the pain of having a silly name people mix up.
Lucky for me I've been in the series long enough for the joke
to get tired and die. It sort of petered out somewhere in the
X: Well I won't be in the series long enough for that! So if
you get it wrong again, I'll cast a curse on you that will make
every morsel of food you eat turn into a wriggling cockroach
inside your mouth!
G: Believe me, with the studio cafeteria food, that's an
X: We gypsies actually just eat hedgehogs. It's a popular gypsy
dish for hundreds of years. We pack the hedgehog in clay, cook
him over a fire and when he is baked through, we peel off the
clay and the spines come out wth it, making him safe to eat.
G: Was that an attempt at edutainment? Now you see here, there's
no place for that in this movie! It's targeted at a stupid
audience and don't you forget it!
X: Perhaps I could read your fortune.
G: Sounds like it has plot motivating potential.
X: (produces tarot pack) We will see what is in the cards for
you. (she deals five cards, face down)
G: Schwing dealer dealer dealer dealer, schwing dealer! No
whammies, no whammies!
X: (turns the first one) Death!
G: But that's a good thing right? In tarot, death means change
X: (turns the second card) Death!
G: A big change?
X: That's just what those fairground gypsies tell you so you
don't get upset! But you haven't payed me so I don't need to
keep you happy. (turns third card) Death!
G: Did you deal those off the bottom of the deck?
X: (turns fourth card) Death!
G: Geez, how many of those cards do you have?
X: (turns fifth card) Death!
G: Then again, the voodoo priestess told me I was going to die
on Blood Island...
X: She was right! There is a dark aura of foreboding about you!
You will soon die! I see undead and demons and an Australian
in your future! DEMON! DEMON!
G: Ssh, ssh! You'll embarass me! Let me look at those cards...
X: Get your hands away from my stuff! You will bring non-stop
harassment from your silly quests and the machinations of LeChuck
to all around you!
G: Look, a three-headed monkey!
X: (gasps) Then the prophecies were true! (turns, G grabs the
G: He ran away.
X: This is an evil omen. No longer will I tarry in your presence.
G: (to B) Sorry about scaring away your only customer.
B: (plummy English voice) Not a problem old chap. She was an
irritating old cow. I only hope you'll stay and keep me company.
My business is doing very well for itself, but it gets a little
lonely during the off season. I'm the only staff this time of
G: I was thinking you were a bit high class to be behind the
B: I am Griswald Goodsoup, and this is the Blood Island Goodsoup
Resort and Restaurant. We're one of the most popular hotel chains
in the carribean.
G: Well if you're looking for someone to wag the ol' chin with,
I might just be your man, if you can tell me anything about
a big diamond ring.
B: (suspiciously) Which big diamond ring?
G: Any big diamond ring.
B: Well I do know about one particularly famous big diamond
ring. Why do you want to know, are you a thief?
G: No. Well not professionally. I steal lots of stuff, but it's
always to further my efforts to rid the caribean of persistantly
reincarnating evil pirates.
B: Well the ring I'm thinking of is the Goodsoup family wedding
ring. It's a sad, sad tale of misery and despair.
G: Is this going to be scary? Because I warn you, I will sweat
profusely and I haven't deodorised today.
B: The ring was in my family for generations, and one day it
was given to my aunt, Minestrone Goodsoup, upon her engagement.
On the wedding night, as she slept, the cad of a husband pried
the giant ring from its socket and sold it to smugglers on Skull
G: You mean the ring's been split in two? Oh for cryin' out
loud, as if I don't have other things to do.
B: She wore the band on her finger until she died, and it was
buried with her in the Goodsoup family crypt.
G: How do I get into the Goodsoup family crypt?
B: You would have to die I suppose.
G: Ahhhh... I think I'll make that my second priority. How do
I get out to Skull Island.
B: Well... there are those who say that on a quiet night, if
you stare into the ocean mist long enough, you will see the
ghostly form of the Flying Welshman, who is cursed to forever
row his dinghy between here and Skull Island. Perhaps he could
give you a lift.
G: What a creepy little island! Any other dark tales?
B: One other... the tale of the guest who never left.
G: I had one of those. Cousin Hal comes over one day right,
said that the twister had-
B: Years ago, when my aunt was still alive, a young man checked
into our special suite. It was special because it had been fitted
with a Murphy bed, which were very new in those days.
G: I'd ask what a Murphy bed was but, I already condemned that
whole edutainment schtick-
A sign circled with blinking lights reading 'Infotainment'
descends next to B. The drinks cabinet rotates to reveal a choir
of furry monsters of varying colours.
Choir: Well a Murphy bed is a bed that tucks up in the wall
When you're ready to sleep, pull the handle and out it falls
When you wake in the morning, just push it right back up
The only problem is it jumps around when you're trying to-
B: OK fellows that's enough. (spins them back round, jams his
finger as he does) FUCK! (sign goes back up)
G: Anyway, this guy went into the room with Murphy bed-
B: All night long there were dreadful crashes and screams! He
never came down for breakfast... in fact he never came down.
On some nights, you can still hear ghostly wailing and thrashing
about. Now I keep that room tightly locked up.
G: Enough chatter! Grog me!
B: Sure. (slams a mug of grog down on the counter) But if you're
going to be drinking, perhaps you'd care to have a complimentary
shaker of my hangover remedy. (hands G a bottle)
G: Thanks! Say, I know! (pours hangover cure into grog) If I
mix these together, the grog will never give me a hangover in
the first place!
B: Um, I really don't think it's safe to mix medicine and alcohol
G: Nonsense, I'll be fine!
B: Mixing medicine and alcohol can kill you!
G: Lead in a comedy never dies. (drinks grog, music goes shaky,
visuals shift through colour spectrum, G falls onto his back
stiff as a plank, tounge poking out)
B: Oh dear. (fade out, fade in, but now Mort the gravedigger
M: -and then the mortician says, 'You're the most aPALLing bearer
I've ever seen!'
B: (laughs) Oh Mort! You really slay me!
M: So what happened here then?
B: He mixed medicine and alcohol, which can bring the body to
such an extreme state of drowsiness, that the heart actually
slows to the point where the blood is no longer being pumped,
M: Well, I'd better clear him up, having him lying there can't
be good for business.
B: Oh would you?
Scn 42- A drab crypt filled with coffins. Mort is visible through
the barred gate.
M: Rest in peace and all that. (leaves)
Funeral march plays and credits begin.
G: Hey, cut it out! I'm not dead, I just went into a coma!
Luckily my heart's started beating again... I hope this is what
the voodoo priestess was talking about when she said I'd die.
I hope she didn't mean at the box office or anything.
A coffin opens and G gets out.
G: Hey this isn't the Goodsoup family crypt! It's some cheap
little miscellaneous crypt!
A knocking starts from one of the coffins.
G: Oh no! The dead have risen to take their vengeance on me!
They have discovered my fulsome secret! (calls to coffin) Go
into the light!
There is a furious wrenching and the lid bursts off a coffin,
splintering. A dark silhouetted, stetsoned figure heaves and
lurches towards G. As G sees it, cut to CU of his face:
G: NO! NO! NOT... NOT YOU!
Shot reveals it to be Stan, the same as ever.
S: Why if it isn't Guybrush Threepwood! I'd never forget my
most loyal customer, you had dealings with me twice! Now don't
apologise for shutting me up in that coffin, in the long term
it's done me some good. When they originally interred me in
the crypt on Scabb Island there was some unpleasantness. A zombie
called Rapp had it in for me and some apron I'd sold him but
when the other residents complained about the commotion they
relocated me here. Being trapped in that coffin gave me the
time I needed to contemplate Blood Island's picturesque scenery
and to think about what's really important in life. Here's one
of my new cards.
S gives G a business card.
G: How did you get these printed up when you were inside a
S: Now's not the time to think about the small things Mr
Threepwood. You should be thinking about the important things.
Are your loved ones well provided for when you leave the world?
G: Well I've left one of them a substantial amount of gold...
(reads card) You sell insurance now?
S: Lying in a coffin might be a fun way to spend the holidays
right now, but one day it'll be my full time occupation. And
when that time comes, I think it would only be fair and
responsible of me to ensure that I won't be leaving anyone in
the lurch. Picture it: Your family's sitting around mourning
your loss, when to compound their tragedy, they realise your
paycheck's going to stop coming in! What a jerk they'll say,
if he only he had gotten insurance.
G: But won't it cure their sorrow when they stop mourning me
due to their thinking I'm a jerk?
S: Only their emotional sorrow. The infinitely more important
financial sorrows will still be very real. So can I interest
you in a policy?
G: What are the terms?
S: If you die, you simply present me with the certificate I
gave you when you purchased the policy, and you'll receive a
lot of money.
G: Sounds like a sweet deal. Sign me up.
S: I'll need some sort of collateral.
G: I've got a bag of nickles at home...
S: Run along and play son, I've got a business to run here.
G: Well what about this gold tooth? (presents Blondebeard's
S: Say, is that real gold?
G: No, I had a tooth made out of American processed cheddar
cheese. Of course it's gold!
S: Great! (takes it, hands G a scroll) There's your policy!
G: Uh, aren't you gonna value the tooth?
S: No (grabs G by lapels) BECAUSE IT DON'T MATTER! YOU CAN NEVER
COLLECT ON THE POLICY BECUASE YOU HAVE TO BE DEAD TO DO IT!
G: Aha! That's where you're wrong! i was dead just a few minutes
S: And what? You got better?
G: Really! I was in that coffin right there!
S: Do you have any proof of this death?
G: Um no.
S: Well your word alone is hardly going to make my Costa Rican
law degree tremble in fear. I'll need the proper documentation
before I can certify you dead. Now scat so I can set up my
G: But I can't leave! We're trapped in the crypt!
S: Nonsense! This is a Stan-brand Kozy Krypt like I used to
sell back on Booty Island and like all Stan-brand cozy crypts
it's equipped with a patent safety lock device that prevents
the entrapment of premature burial victims. Just force the
handle, it's easier than you expect!
G pushes the door open and leaves.
Scn 42- The resort lobby. G strides in.
G: Yes, I'm back from the dead! (pause, B just stares at him)
No questions? Like, is there an afterlife? (pause) No questions
for the guy who miraculously rose from the grave? (pause) Ah,
the story would be wasted on you. But I thought that if I died,
I would be buried in the Goodsoup family crypt.
B: What a crazy thing to think! Why would I go about burying
complete strangers in my family crypt?
G: Uncle Griswald, don't you recognise me? It's your distant
Irish nephew Hearty Beef and Potato Goodsoup.
B: You look a little... common for a Goodsoup... But we spread
to all parts of the globe. I suppose I could have relations
in Ireland. Where's your Irish accent though?
G: I couldn't get it through customs. Apparently Irish accents
are real troublemakers, and not just abroad. They're thinking
of banning or at least regulating them back home.
B: Well it's about time! Anyway Hearty, it's good to see you!
Sorry about burying you in the wrong crypt, I had no idea!
G: Let's celebrate with a drink shall we?
B: Of course! (slams a drink down on the counter, G pours in
some headache cure) That's clever... building a resistance to
death are you?
G: (turns to cam) Now kids, if I was a real person I would never
do this twice in real life for the chances of my blood flow
just happening to hit the right stride so that I cease to live
for a few hours and then revive are extremely small. But there
were more than three Monkey Island games so I think I'm pretty
iron clad. Skoal! (drinks drink, dies again)
B: Oh dear! This is one of the most expensive habits I've seen,
these lavish funerals aren't cheap.
Fade out then in, Mort is there.
M: -so the funeral director turns to me and says 'Can you dig
B: Oh Mort, you kill me!
M: Hey, how'd he get out, I just sealed him up! Better put a
better padlock on the coffin this time...
Scn 43- Inside the Goodsoup family crypt. Cam is centered on
a marble tomb, the lid of which is splintering. It cracks apart
and G gets out.
G: I still haven't recovered from listening in on the priest's
eulogy... I always thought they were nice!
G strolls a little to the left. There is a tomb laden with
wreaths and bearing the motto 'Goodsoup is food'. In front of
this stands a ghostly figure in a bridal dress with her back
Ghost (Minestrone Goodsoup) turns.
M: (southern belle voice) Why hello there young man. Forgive
the dust handsome, I don't get all that many callers here.
G: This place sure could use a little livening up.
M: (snaps) What are you, eight? (normal) Oh forgive me, I've
never been good with menfolk since my little schnookums left
me standing at the altar. Oh my little pooty pie, why did you
leave me? (sob) My cuddle bear, my wuffle muffin, my LeChuck!
G: LECHUCK? LeChuck is your schnookums? But he's MY schook-
I mean, that rat! He's the one who took the diamond from your
M: Yes he is! You know about that?
G: Unless I'm very much mistaken, you're Ministrone Goodsoup,
last holder of the gigantic diamond ring I need to free my
fiancee from a curse, but your fiancee stole the diamond the
night before the wedding and sold it to smugglers on Skull
Island, which I'll need to retrieve as well as the band still
in your possession. (looks at cam) Are you with me now?
M: I'm afraid I cannot let you have this band Mr, uh-
G: Guybrush Threepwood. Mighty pirate.
M: Guybrush... is that french?
G: No it's made up. But why can't I have the wedding band?
M: The reason my spirit still haunts my tomb is that I have
unfinished business in this world. I can never rest untill I
have wed. Only then may I remove this engagement band from my
G: You need to get married? I'd give LeChuck a call... you two
are more suited to each other now than when you knew him...
M: I can't marry LeChuck, not after what he did to me! Are you
G: Boy howdy yes.
M: That's a shame, I was always attracted to rough rowdy pirates
G: Who's a pirate? I'm a flooring inspector.
M: But I thought you said-
G: Life's funny like that isn't it. But didn't you have any
love in your life besides LeChuck? Someone else you'd want to
M: Well there was one... Charles DeGhoulash was the only one
of the endless suitors who tried to latch onto my family's
fortune who I thought had the slightest shred of sincere feeling
G: Where is he now?
M: I don't rightly know... he checked into my nephew Griswald's
resort in order to see the wedding and I never saw him again.
G: The guest that never left... I think I know where Charles
M: Oh happy day!
G: Unfortunately I seem to have got myself locked in another
crypt in a ridiculously short period of time since it last
happened. And despite this being an extremely luxurious
mausoleum, they obviously didn't have enough funds for the door
and got a low budget one as it lacks Stan's jiggle-to-open
M: Looks like we're trapped in here together forever! I have
a few ideas on how we could pass the time...
G: Oh would you look at that, my laptop diary says it's time
to go stand over at the other end of the crypt now. See ya.
As G heads deeper into the crypt we hear Murray's voice
M: (Murray, not Ministrone) Hee hee hee, this is going to be
G heads for a crack in the crypt's rear wall through which he
can see a light when M topples out from on top of an altar.
M: BOO! (lands with a crack) OW!
M: Ooh, I think I broke my bone. I shouldn't have done that.
G: Your jaw's still flappin' or clackin' or whatever. That's
pretty much the only bone you use.
M: Did I scare you though?
G: More sort of startled. What are you doing here?
M: Some troupe of Shakespearian actors found me on Plunder Island
and thought I'd do well in the play they were about to put on
here. I didn't go too well though.
Scn 44- Dinner theatre in the resort lobby. A crowd watches
as Slappy Cromwell performs Hamlet using M as a prop skull.
S: Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him Horatio.
M: The name's Murray bub! And I've ever seen you before in my
S: Er, a man of infinite jest-
M: I'll say! Why couldn't the skeleton go to the ball?
Scn 45- Same as 43.
M: So when that didn't work out they booted me in here figuring
a crypt was as good a place for a skull as any.
G: Maybe you should've quit while you were a head.
Deathly silence. After a little while, a bell tolls a few times
and there is the sound of howling wind.
M: Oh if only I had hands to choke you with...
G: I've got one of them here! (pulls out M's arm)
M: You've still got that? What are you doing with it?
G: It's helping me with a little nocturnal problem-
M: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- (continues to scream)
G: I was joking Murray. (waits) Geez Murray, take a breath!
Oh wait that's not an option...
G picks M up and snaps his jaws shut, silencing the scream.
G: I suppose I could marry you to Ministrone...
M: Come on, what the heck am I gonna do on a honeymoon?
G: I do have a witty response but it doesn't gel with the Monkey
M: I think we kinda shattered that when Griswald said fuck.
G: Yeah, that was fucking bizarre. But you're right, you would
be a dissappointing wedding night.
M: Well at least I've got an excuse.
G lays Murray down and peers through the crack.
Scn 46- Mort's cabin. M (now Mort) sits in bed reading a book
titled 'Zombies Ate My Neighbours'. Various horror memoribilia
and trash posters clutter the place. The crack G peers through
looks out into M's room. We get G's POV.
G: Uh, excuse me?
M: Hello? Who's there?
G: It's me, in the crypt, through the wall. I'm selling these
fine leather jackets.
M: Leather? I'm a vegan!
G: Oh yeah? Then what about these animal heads on the wall.
Tilting up from G's POV, we see some stuffed animal heads on
the wall, one of which is human with a long beard.
M: As a vegan I'd never harm an animal. Only one of those is
G: I can't see them properly from here, but judging by the beard,
that one's a goat.
M: How did you get in the crypt?
G: There was an anomaly in my space drive hyper warp engine.
M: Aha! Any time traveller would know that a simple tachyon
fuse burner would reverse the polarity of the streams and reroute
the power sources into a quantam load capacity, thus fixing
the dilemma! Why are you really there?
G: I got buried alive. Could you let me out?
M: Oh no! You're probably talking down my chiminey! As soon
as I leave the house and head round to the crypt gate you'll
come down and deposit gifts under my tree- I mean, you'll come
down and steal all my stuff! I read all about it in 'Never Trade
Lunches With A Corpse'.
G: You sure love your horror stories.
M: It's how I numb myself to the morbidity of being a graveyard
worker. I'm currently working on my own third novel too: 'Polly
3: The Beakening'.
G: Why does trashy media always come in threes? But any astute
horrorstorian would know that in such a situation there's only
one thing I can be... A GHOSTLY SPIRIT HAUNTING THE TOMB WHO
WILL FOREVER WHINE PETULANTLY AT YOU UNTIL YOU RELEASE ME FROM
M: Sounds like pretty standard procedure. OK then, show your
G: Er, I can't. I'm shy.
M: If you were a real ghost you could cast an astral projection
G: Just come look at me through the crack!
M: So you can leap down into the fireplace and surprise me from
behind by bludegeoning me with your sack weighted with
sugarplums? No way!
G: (sigh) Hang on a second, I'll see if I can arrange something.
Silence for a bit, the murmuring from G+Murray. A bit of arguing,
an agreement. Sounds of clacking about with bones and cries
of protests from Murray. Eventually, Murray's head, now attached
to his arm by his neck is poked through the crack by G. M screams
Murray: Mwahaha fool mortal! Release me from my prison of death
or I shall curse you forever! May you always find your keys
under the last pillow you check! And may you always man the
cannon with the missing ramrod!
M: I'm coming, I'm coming! (flees outside)
Scn 47- Same as 45. G+Murray turn at the noise of the gate
M: (off) There, it's open! Now leave me alone in peace.
Murray: Now put me back in there so I can hide under his sheets
and bite his-
G: Don't make me regret you giving you that arm back. You know,
you make a pretty cool sceptre.
M (now Murray): Personally, I'm so disillusioned. Turns out
that 'Dem Bones', the pirate skeletons creed, isn't gospel truth.
G: Right! Anything can be connected to anything if you grind
it in long enough.
M: I still think I'm going to need to see a chiropractor.
Scn 48- G steps out of the crypt.
G: Well Murray, now it's off to the resort, to discover what
happened to Charles- Murray? Where are you? (looks around)
Where'd he get to? Oh well.
As G leaves, an M silhouette, chuckling to itself scuttles out
of the grave yard on his fingers.
Scn 49- The resort lobby. G strides in as before.
G: Once again I cheat death and miraculously defy the cold grip
of death! The stories I could tell! (B just stares at him) Well
I wouldn't tell you if you begged me!
B: Rumours about your death appear to have been greatly
exaggerated. But this reminds me, I have something for you just
arrived in the post from my solicitor on Lucre Island. (hands
G a scroll which G reads)
G: Certificate o' death. This certifies that Hearty Beef And
Potato Goodsoup met his demise at least once on Blood Island.
Hey, does this mean I can't vote anymore?
B: You lucky thing. Now you can no longer be held responsible.
G heads up stairs to the rooms.
B: What are you doing in the guest rooms? You're not staying
here are you?
G: I thought I might just establish a quarters on this daybed
at the end of the corridor. I've got a couple of coffins waiting
for me back in the cemetary but that just lack that little savior
faire you know? Surprisingly the wooden coffin is more
comfortable than the stone one, despite the stone's being more
B: I'll keep buying stone ones all the same thank you. The lids
are harder to push off from the inside and with my relatives
that's a priority.
Scn 50- The corridor of rooms. Numbered doors line the hall.
One bears an ominous 'Keep Out' sign.
G: Looks like this is the 'guest that never left' room. But
how to get in? (he pulls out Stan's business card and unlocks
the door using it with great ease) Hey, this card seems to have
been designed for opening doors! That Stan huh?
Scn 51- A dark creepy room. A murphybed is in the up position.
G pulls it down. There is a skeleton wearing a tux on it.
G: The poor guy must've been trapped here when the thing suddenly
snapped up on him. Obviously, he was unlearned in the ways of
the bed, whereas I (waggles eyebrows) know how to thump on one
of these things without the slightest risk of accident. Observe.
(he sits gently down on it and it violently snaps up. Silence
for a bit, then we hear another voice)
Skeleton (Charles): My, this is a cosy little arrangement isn't
C: Don't be frightened! I'm just a harmless old skeleton who
has unfinished business in this realm, preventing my spirit
from moving onto the next world.
G: You left the gas on?
C: No. I checked in here the night before the wedding of my
true love, Ministrone Goodsoup to that no good misanthrope
LeChuck! My intention was to stop the wedding ceremony and steal
away with Minnie... but this infernal bed trapped me and I was
powerless to do anything about it.
G: We'd better get out of here quick. The audience will get
peeved if we just let them stare at an empty hotel room for
C: It's no good, you can't escape. I've tried for years. If
you push the bed down it just bounds back up and slams into
G: If people gave up on something just because it seemed futile,
we'd never have gotten this far in the shoot.
G+C push the bed down with their legs a few times, but each
time it snaps back up. Cut to exterior wall of resort. Every
time the bed snaps up, the impact causes the wall to deteriorate
a little further. Eventually, an impact causes the wall to give
way and G+C are catapulted out of the resort and through the
Scn 52- Ministrone stands by her tomb in the Goodsoup family
crypt. There is a crash and G+C fall down next to her in a heap.
C extracts himself and stands up, G remains where he fell.
C: Pardon me for dropping in univited like this ma'm, I- Minnie?
C: Minnie! Why your cheekbones are showing even better than
M: Charles you flatterer! I'd be blushing if I had any blood.
C: Minnie even though I'm a skeletal wraith I swear I can feel
my heart beat when I look at you...
M: Oh Charles... what would our families say if they knew we
were alone together?
C: Marry me Minnie, marry me!
M: Oh Charles, think of the scandal!
C: Think how quickly that scandal could make us D list
celebrities! Think of the lucrative supermarket opening deals!
M: Oh yes Charles, yes!
They kiss and with a pop dissappear. M's band drops to the ground
and rolls into G's nose.
G: Aw how romantic. (pockets the band, stands up) Well, I've
got the band, now I need to head out to Skull Island and find
the recording contract. No wait...
Scn 53- G heads out of the Goodsoup family crypt. Across from
here we can see the crypt he was entombed in earlier. There
is a big sign with blinking lights proclaiming 'Stan's Insurance'
and a neon sign beneath that reading 'Open'. G enters.
Scn 54- Stan has converted the crypt into an office. Coffins
have rows of files in them, there is a water cooler, a pile
of old bones in the out tray etc.
G: I'm sure this is sacreligious.
S: Welcome back to Mutual Of Stan!
G: I'm dead twice now, does that mean I get to collect double
on my policy?
S: You can't collect on your own policy!
G: Then who can?
S: Noone but the policy holder!
G: Hey this sounds like a scam.
Pause, then S applauds.
S: The policy holder can collect only if they're dead. And the
evidence of my eyes and ears, despite what my nose tells me,
corroborate to suggest that you are not in fact dead. Do you
have any evidence to the contrary?
G: As a matter of fact smart guy... no. Oh wait, there's this.
G hands S the death certificate.
S: OH MY GOD IT'S SIGNED BY A REAL LAWYER! (shrieks, makes to
run away but G snags his collar)
G: Pay up.
S desperately throws a collection of pocketwatches, wallets
(all with different initials on them) and lint balls at G, then
dives into a coffin and slams the lid.
S: I think I'm gonna spend a little more time dead, for tax
reasons you understand.
Scn 55- Shot of Monkey Island as in scn 1. Cut to a group of
pirates riding a roller coaster along a track. They go past
a mechanical diorama of G fighting with Carla in the first movie
(with tinny recorded sounds), a diorama of Largo threatening
G in the second movie, then a diorama of G with Wally in the
hold as in earlier this movie. Then the car goes down a steep
incline, the track leading right into a pool of lava. The pirates
scream as they plunge beneath it. The car emerges on the other
side, the pirates having become skeletons. As they disembark,
LeChuck is waiting for them. He is sitting at a table, eating
a Blondebeard value meal.
L: Ah, new recruits to brief! I am your new master, LeChuck,
lord of the dead. (stands) Now you colossal pack of ossified
rats, I want you to find Elaine Marley, so that I may have a
lordess... lordette... she-lord... lordiatrix? So that I may
have a queen! (ECU on L's face) Burn down every island in the
carribbean if you have to, but bring me my bride! And more slaw!
(normal shot as L digs at his coleslaw pot with his spoon) Curse
these value meals, they never give you enough slaw!
Scn 56- Blood Island coast. G reads a sign at the end of a lonely
G: Flying Welshman Ferry Tours. Daytrips to Skull Island and
whalewatching excursions a speciality.
A dark shape suddenly speaks. It's the Flying Welshman, a Charon
type in a dinghy who occassionally produces a leek from his
robe and bites it. His face cannot be seen.
F: (cheesy Charon voice, ridiculous Welsh accent) I sense you
are seeking the way to Skull Island.
G: Why yes.
F: I know the way to Skull Island... all I ask in return is
F: Quick, gimme your shoe sole before I sink! I need the rubber
to make a plug. (G pulls of a shoe and gives it to F. F produces
a biscuit cutter, cuts a rubber plug out of G's shoe, plugs
a leak and gives the shoe back) Know ye before we depart for
Skull Island that it be a place of cuthroats and murderers,
where trust be an unknown concept.
G: The annuity I recieve upon the death of my parents has no
meaning on Skull Island?
Shot of a cinema audience staring blankly ahead. Crickets chirp.
Scn 57- G+F approach the shore of Skull Island. They hit the
sand and G gets out.
F: Now turn your head skyward and gaze upon the dreadful form
of SKULL ISLAND!
Cam cranes up to reveal a colossal rock peak shaped like the
head of a duck.
G: That's a skull? It looks like a duck.
F: What are you talking about? There are its gaping eye sockets,
there's the remorseless toothy grin-
G: If I put my head on its side, it looks like a bunny-
F: IT IS NOT A BUNNY! IT IS A GIGANTIC SKULL!
Cam cranes back down.
F: Anyway, see that opening in the base of the rock along this
path? That's Smuggler's Orifice. If they haven't sold the jewel
on, it should still be in storage there.
G: Will you wait for me?
F: I'm already spoken for. Oh I see what you mean. OK I'll wait
but I'll leave the meter running.
G heads into the dimly lit cave.
Scn 58- Smuggler's Orifice. King Andre, a bald black man sits
at a green baize table with his bodyguard, the colossal Cruff.
All around the cave there are piles of valuables and Smuggle
Bunnies, which are fluffy rabbit dolls with hooks and eyepatches.
G enters through a hatch and a howling wind enters, causing
the candles on the chandilier to flicker.
A: Close the hatch, you'll blow out the candles! Were you raised
in a place that had no door?
G shuts it.
A: Now, what can I help you with?
G: Diamond inspector. I'm going to need to see all your diamonds.
Let's start with the biggest.
A: Cruff, get rid of this idiot.
C advances on G.
G: I've got so much money it's almost embarassing.
C beams and a waiter's towel suddenly appears on his arm as
he ushers G into a seat.
A: Perhaps we can alleviate that embarassment. What is your
G: (german accent) Vandergodenfassenson. Jethro
A: Ah, Mr Threepwood, your need for deception intrigues me.
G: How did you know my name?
A: If I told you, I'd be that much less intimidating and
mysterious wouldn't I?
G: These soft toy rabbits you have about the place are funny
like that. That make you less intimidating, but they make you
a lot more mysterious.
A: There's a surprisngly large market in contraband stuffed
toys. The pirate who enjoys to snuggle up with a Smuggle Bunny
before bed time needs to come to a more discreet understanding
retailer such as myself rather than the regular toy dealerships,
where he might be seen. Check out the new shipment I've gotten
A places a toy of LeChuck from his zombie MI2 form on the table.
He pulls a cord.
L toy: You're my favourite sailor. Set sail for fun. Math be
hard, let's go lootin'. Just you wait till you're asleep little
A: (Puts doll away) But enough playing. I believe you expressed
an interest in the Goodsoup diamond? (places a radiant golf
ball sized diamond on the table)
G: That diamond belongs in a museum!
A: So do post impressionist paintings Mr Threepwood. So do post
impressionist paintings. Mwahahahaha!
G: Could you not laugh like that anymore?
A: The diamond is the source of all my power. It generates the
forces needed to operate my nexus of war machines, one of each
I have hidden on every island in the caribbean.
G: Do you expect me to talk?
A: No Mr Threepwood, I expect you to buy.
G: You're crazy!
A: Am I? Am I crazy Mr Threepwood? Is it crazy to amass a
colossal pile of gold and jewels and to stuff them away in a
tiny cold isolated cave with a collection of children's toys
and to pass the savings onto you? Is that crazy? I'm not crazy,
my prices are! Mwahahaha!
G: I thought we agreed you weren't going to laugh like that
anymore. (dumps a mound of wallets onto the table)
A: That's a lot of money but it is not enough to purchase the
diamond. Perhaps we should make a little wager.
G: Match 'em?
A: (pause) No. How about a hand of poker? If myself or my
associate Cruff beats you, we get a wallet. If you beat us you
get the diamond.
G: Sounds fair. I've never played before but I'm sure you
gentlemen can show me the ropes.
C chuckles. A takes out a pack of cards and deals.
G: Good cards, good cards, daddy needs to lift a pirate curse!
G: 7 of diamonds, 3 of spades, jack of spades, 2 of diamonds,
queen of hearts. Nothing. (hands over a wallet)
A: Royal flush. Perhaps you'd like to try again?
G: Sure, I've got plenty of wallets.
A deals, they look.
G: 7 of diamonds, 3 of spades... hey, this is the exact same
hand! Is that even possible?
A: What an extraordinarily lucky man you must be Mr Threepwod.
What a coincidence. Shame you lose to my royal flush.
G: Aha! Not so! (slips Stan's business card into his hand) I
also have the king of insurance salesmen!
C takes the business card and eats it, snatching a wallet as
he does so.
G: Hit me.
A restrains C's clenched fist and deals again.
G: Let's see... a sword of darkness +2, imp horde, mana drain...
A: I have the armour of Xantar the Invincible and a black lotus
G: You sunk my batleship! (hands over a wallet) But I'm not
A restrains C's tounge and deals again.
G: These aren't even proper cards! They're Monkey Island 3
collector's cards! A Blondebeard, two Fosseys, a pair of
Griswalds, stick of that horrible powder covered card gum, made
of the same stuff as the cards... bah, worthless. (an idea hits.
He puts his cards away and replaces them with the tarot cards)
Read 'em and weep. Five deaths. Can't beat five of a kind.
A: We may not be able to beat five of a kind but we can certainly
beat you. Cruff!
C advances on G when suddenly the hatch opens and the Flying
Welshman pokes his head in. The howling wind enters with him.
F: I'm going out for Chinese if anybody wants to join-
A: Shut the door you fool! The candles-
The candles blow out. There is some crashing about in the
Scn 59- As in 57. two silhouettes dash down the path and into
F: We're the two guys who're supposed to be in the boat!
G: Yeah... I was expecting Cruff and Andre to get in it and
row away by mistake or something.
F: This is a badly written scene.
G: Not off to a good start is it?
F: They haven't even got round to pointing out that you grabbed
the diamond in the confusion and have now completed the ring.
G: Let's just skip to the next one.
Scn 60- Shot of Monkey Island, then cut to LeChuck's HQ by the
coaster track. Charles+Minnie come trough a chicken-out door,
ushered by Dinghy Dog the mascot seen at the end of MI2.
D: I found 'em sir, I found em!
L: What do you mean them?
D: Guybrush Threepwood and Miss Elaine!
L: Excellent! But who are these- Oh hello Minnie.
M: (icily) Hello LeChuck. (places an arm around Charles)
C: I never would've come to this establishment for our honeymoon
if I'd known it was run by you, sir, you unmitigated scalliwag.
Though I must say it is nice to find undead folk like ourselves
making inroads into the live man's business world.
L: What did you bring them to me for Dinghy Dog, you insufferale
D: I overheard their conversation! They've just seen both
Guybrush and his friend Elaine on Blood Island! But there seems
to be something wrong with Elaine-
L: Tis nothing a little demon love can't- (he is suddenly
C: I say sir, I demand satisfaction for the way you once treated
my wife in-
L shoves C back through the door and raises the 'You must be
this high to ride' sign just above his head. C trudges dejectedly
away with M going after him. L turns to D.
L: (ECU) Get them.
Scn 61- The clearing where G left Elaine. He pulls out the band
and slots the diamond into it. He then slides it onto a finger
of her right hand. She starts to glow and the cursed ring on
her left hand pops and explodes into sparkles. She becomes flesh
and completes the punch she had begun when first transmogrified,
connecting with G and sending him flying onto his butt. Standing
still with fist outstretched, her eyes dart from side to side.
E: Guybrush, darling, where are we?
G: (gets up) We're on Blood Island. We've been thorugh a lot
of danger, but don't worry, everything's safe- (L's skeletal
pirates leap out of the woods and surround E+G) now?
Scn 62- Shot of the giant monkey head from MI1. L has converted
it into a roller coaster. A track leads into its mouth and there
is a big sign saying 'Big Whoop Theme Parks present: Monkey
Mountain!' Cam drifts to the embarkment platform for the Madly
Rotating Buccaneer. G stands in a gondola, while L faces him
from the platform. E is behind L, tied up.
Caption: Part Four
Guybrush Kicks Butt Again
G: LeChuck? You're back? Wasn't the first part of this called
The Demise Of The Zombie Pirate LeChuck?
L: And indeed the zombie pirate LeChuck has demised! You see
before you the dread demon pirate LeChuck!
G: Well I've got a few things to say to you buster! In the second
movie there was a bit of confusion about what was going on,
particularly near the end. So far, we've ignored a lot of that
stuff and now I think it's high time we had a good old waffle
tying these loose ends up!
L: Very well. Ask yer questions then.
G: Why did you become a ghost in the first place? Why didn't
you just die?
L: After serving as a cabin boy on various schooners, I found
myself adrift on Blood Island, penniless and and possessionless.
But I still had my one greatest ability.
G: The fact that your presence makes dumb people seem that much
L: That certain LeChuck charm which allowed me to wriggle into
the confidences of a young debutante named Ministrone Goodsoup.
G: Alright LeChuck! Was she hot? Did you kiss her?
L: (laughs) Well... I don't like to talk about it, it's kind
of personal... Besides, dead men tell no tales.
G: I've been waiting for that one.
L: I think I've shown admirable restraint in waiting till the
third movie. Anyway, I stole a huge diamond from her family
wedding ring and sold it to smugglers. With the proceeds I was
able to purchase a ship and crew, becoming a fearsome pirate
captain in my own right! After many exploits-
G: Can I sit down? I've been standing a lot today and my legs...
L: After many explots on the seas, I came to Melee Island where
my heart was captured by the divine Elaine Marley. Alas to her
I seemed but another uncouth pirate dog and so that I might
distinguish myself as being a cut above the rest, I set sail
to Monkey Island to discover its secret!
G: I'm worrying... If your beard hair is all firey like that,
then what about... you know down there... I mean it must-
L: Oh for cryin' out loud will you let me finish? Off the coast
of Monkey Island, my boat was wrecked by a storm, but by chance
I was washed into an underground cavern where I discovered the
firey lava pool of BIG WHOOP! It is a gateway to hell, which
turns all who pass through it into netherworld spirits! That
is how I became a ghost! And by bathing my deceased shipmates
in it, they became my subservient skeletal hoardes! So finally,
the secret of Monkey Island is revealed, two movies after it
should've been, as a magic lava stream that creates undead!
G: That's not the secret of Monkey Island!
L: Why not?
G: Everyone knows about it now! Hardly a secret.
L: True... I do know the REAL secret of Monkey Island... but
I'd rather make you guess.
G: She's really a man? It's made from people? Bruce Willis was
dead all along?
L: What are you on about?
G: A sequel is never as good as the original?
L: LIES! FILTHY DIRTY LIES!
G: Then what is the secret?
L: Well... the secret of Monkey Island... is an ancient er force,
which goes beyond the... uh-
G: You don't know the secret do you?
L: Not exactly...
G: Well maybe you can explain what this carnival's about and
why I wound up floating in a dodgem car.
L: Once I had been reincarnated I realised that if I was going
to take over the carribean, I would need an army of skeletal
soldiers. But abducting the pirates and taking them here was
too much time and effort. So I thought, why not make the pirates
come to me? A theme park seemed like the ideal attraction. It's
a nice place, perhaps a little twisted, but the real twist comes
when you ride Monkey Mountain; the track has been constructed
to plunge into the demonic lava pool at the ride's end. Every
time another group of unsuspecting saps ride it. my army grows!
G: I'm sure the safety board would have something to say about
this lava plunging business-
L: As for you, I was aware that after our second encounter in
my fortress you could prove troublesome if you made it to Big
Whoop. I planted a gigantic X which you would assume was Big
Whoop, never thinking that the obvious unconcealed construction
site was the site of the real treasure. When you entered the
area beneath the X, you fell victim to an elaborate illusion,
convincing you that I was defeated and you were a little boy
visiting the fair with his parents. You were to eventually ride
Monkey Mountain and join my army... apparently your car broke
through the safety barrier while playing dodgems and rolled
down to the ocean and out to sea. That sure taught me not to
skimp on safety barriers!
G: Alright! Let's hear it for inadequate safety provisions!
L: They won't save you this time Threepwood! I'm going to have
you ride each of my torturous contraptions such as the Madly
Rotating Buccaneer here and then have you ride Monkey Mountain.
But while you're riding here, my sweet Elaine will herself ride
Monke Mountain and become my skeletal bride-
G: Oh could you shut up? Honestly, how long can one man talk
L: But there be so much more evil scheming I want to tell you
G: Well I've had enough! (puts hands over ears, sings) I'm not
listening, I'm not listening-
L: OK Threepwood. If you're going to act like a child, then
I think you deserve a timeout young man!
MS of L. He raises his hands and fires a green voodoo bolt in
G's direction, then slings E over his shoulder and walks away.
Cut to shot of the cab. We can no longer see G, but hear his
G: I wonder what that ray did? Hey, the door to this thing's
not locked! You had a pretty good plan LeChuck, but one little
flaw shall be your undoing... (the door of the cab swings open
revealing a 7 year old three foot high G, who triumphantly
strides out, then notices his condition) Uh-oh... not again!
Scn 63- L tosses E into a roller coaster car at the mouth of
Monkey Mountain. Outside the entrance platform G is rushing
to the rescue.
L: Here comes your loverBOY now Elaine you cradle snatcher you.
Dinghy Dog intercepts G.
D: You're too little for this one young feller.
G grabs a pepper cellar from the nearby Hot Sauage barker stand
and shakes it in D's face. Nothing happens.
D: I'm wearing a costume ya dingus. My nose is protected.
D: Yeah. It's me. I got demoted to this after my less than
stellar performance in containing you when last we met. But
as your little distract me with a cloud of sneeze inducing pepper
G kicks D in the nuts and runs off towards Monkey Mountain.
A whistle is blown and a ref runs on. He presents G with a yellow
R: Cliche! Cliche! Whaddya think yer playing at sonny? Kickin'
a henchman in the balls and runnin' away from him? Do ye think
this is one of yer precocious kid-targeted summer comedies?
Think John Hughs wrote this? A little kid kickin' the henchmen
in the balls is just rubbish and tired and I'm not having it
on my set! Do we have an understandin'-
G kicks him in the balls and runs on. As the ref keels over,
cut to stock footage of football stadium crowd cheering. G hops
into the car with L+E, picks E up, and tosses her out. She lands
on the lever that starts the car rolling. The car, with L+G
takes off along the track, down the monkey head's throat into
the realm of lava and mechanical dioramas.
Scn 64- L+G struggle in the car as it goes past a diorama of
G talking with Herman Toothrot from MI1. An actual three headed
monkey stands behind them, pulling faces.
L: Rats, foiled by my own magic! Because I've turned you into
a child I can't use violence on you as it would contravene censor
ratings codes! But as a villain. I never was much for rules...
Next diorama is G from MI2 in Rum Rogers' house. As L swipes,
G hops out and onto the diorama, L continues down the track.
G: If he's going to break censor laws, we may as well go all
the way. Here comes a minor consuming alcohol-
G picks up one of the prop kegs of rum and prepares to drink
when L teleports back in flame form on the diorama stage. G
leaps into a passing car stil holding the rum and L follows
him. G starts screaming as he sees that ahead of him he is headed
for the caldera of Big Whoop. L laughs.
Scn 65- E, still bound and gagged on the entrance platform,
hears G's cries and whacks the levers in the nearby control
box with her head.
Scn 66- Where 64 ended. The track is diverted thanks to E. The
car heads past another diorama. This is a big mountain of ice
with a rectangular slot in it through which can be seen a giant
leering ghost LeChuck. L picks up G and tosses him onto the
stage. The keg of rum flies out of G's grasp and wedges itself
in the ice.
L: What a fitting place for me to defeat you! This diorama
depicts your point of view just before you defeated me the first
time, when you were trapped inside the ice filled grog machine!
Should I flamebroil you with my breath? Perhaps a light
As L advances on G, G in panic hiffs the pepper mill he still
clutches into L's face. L turns and sneeze right on the rum
keg. The flames which issue from his nose cause it to explode
and L looks up to see the mountain of ice collapse down on him.
The giant transparent plastic ghost LeChuck falls down onto
the track and the section is wiped out, causing the whole
structure to start to shake. G hops onto the track and runs
up it, as it collapses and explodes.
Scn 67- G runs out of Monkey Mountain, snatches up E and gets
to safety as all vestiges of the coaster fall into the monkey
head mouth. The mouth falls shut and there is a burping sound.
G suddenly becomes adult again. He unties E.
G: Gee, maybe I should leave the gag in...
E removes it herself.
E: Guybrush! I wish you'd remained a kid. You'd have been easier
to train as a husband like that.
G: The curse must've been broken when LeChuck's firey demonic
essence was snuffed out by the ice- trained as a husband?
Zoom in on them as they embrace and kiss and track back to reveal
them in wedding gear and on the Sea Cucumber with a 'Just
Married' sign on the back. They are sailing away from the Blood
Island port and Griswald, the Welshman, Xena and the cannibals
are waving. THE END appears in flowery script and a heart wipe
encloses everything. After a bit of credits, the picture comes
back up on:
Scn 68- Murray watching the wedding ship sailing by from a
different area of the pier. He is perched atop his skeleton
arm which allows him to walk on his fingers.
M: Aha here it is Murray! Your first chance at boarding and
capturing a ship. Soon the seas shall again know the iron reign
of Murray the Skeletal Assortment! (evil laugh, pause) Now,
how to swim out there...
He peers over the edge of the dock.
M: Gosh it's deeper than I- Whoops!
He leans too far and his head slips off the arm and splashes
into the water. As his arm clatters uselessly onto the pier,
we see Murray's head float away on the rolling waves.
M: Watch out Guybrush! As soon as these waves take me near
enough, I'll gnaw my way into your hold! You haven't seen the
last of Murray! I-
A cannonball is fired from G's ship and sinks Murray. We hear
more of Murray's tirade in a watery gurgle. The heart dissolve