Script for a movie based on the game.
By: Matthew Kelly
Added: Monday, February 5, 2001
By Matthew Kelly
Based on material by Ron Gilbert
Scn 1- Guybrush Threepwood is hanging from the edge of a
seemingly bottomless pit by a wire portruding from an iron cable.
He is now 21 and sports a light beard. In the hand not clutching
the wire, he holds a treasure chest. He swings gently for a
bit and then a rope drops down from the surface. Elaine Marley
E: Well well, Guybrush Threepwood. You DO turn up in the
G: Uh, hi Elaine. Do you think you could help me out?
E: How did you get into this mess?
G: It's kind of a long story.
E: That's OK, I've got time.
G: I'm not sure if my arm muscles do but here goes anyway. It
all started on Scabb Island.
E: I'm sure you mean Melee Island.
G: Um, no I mean Scabb.
E: But the first movie began on Melee!
G: I'm not recapping the first movie, think of the rental fees
we'd lose! I'm talking about what's happened between the end
of the first movie and now to get me here. THAT all began on
Scabb Island. I was telling some of my admiring fans the story
of how I'd beaten LeChuck-
E: You are recapping the first movie!
G: Would you shut up and let me tell my story? I was telling
some of my admiring fans the tale of my victory over LeChuck...
Scn 2- Establishing shot of Scabb Island. It is night. A campfire
burns on the beach. Credits begin and continue throughout the
Caption: Deep in the carribbean...
Scn 3- The campfire. G, Bart and Fink sit around it. F is
toasting a marshmallow and B is swigging from a jug o' grog.
G: -so then I busted into the church and said 'You'll never
menace decent, tangible pirates again you big bloated bilious
bulbous billowing blistering blue bag of barnacles!' And LeChuck
cried 'Stop Guybrush! I can't take it anymore!'
F: I know just how he felt.
B: If I hear this story one more time I'm gonna start crying
myself. Don't you have any other adventures?
G: I'm having one right now! That's why I'm here on Scabb. I'm
on a whole new adventure.
F: Growing a moustache?
G: No, bigger than that.
B: A beard?
G: I'm in search of treasure. A treasure so valuable that it
haunts the dreams of every pirate on the seas.
B: Toilet paper?
G: OK, after that.
B+F look at each other.
F: You mean... Big Whoop?
G: None other.
F: So why'd you come here? There's no treasures on Scabb Island!
G: I didn't know that when I came here! Now I gotta charter
a ship and look someplace else. When I return I'll have a whole
F: Or you'll have died in the attempt.
B: Either way, we won't have to hear about LeChuck anymore.
Cam cuts to directly face G.
G: You critics wouldn't be so quick to rubbish everything if
you'd actually payed to see it!
Cut back to normal.
F: Way to be subtle.
G: Well when I've found Big Whoop, I'll be rich enough to make
my own movies about me, then maybe a lucrative video game series
based on the movies... Now if I can only get off this stinking
As we get a LS of G leaving the beach and heading inland,
Caption: Part One
The Largo Embargo
Scn 4- G enters a town consisting entirely of houseboats, mired
in a thick swamp and connected by a series of piers. Only a
few have lights shining in them.
Sign: Welcome To Woodtick- Within village bounds is an official
no treasure huntin' zone.
A man as tall as G's waist stomps out of the Swamprot Inn,
looking evil. He approaches Guybrush.
Largo LeGrande: Hey Fancypants! I haven't seen you around here
before! This here's the toll-bridge. You gotta pay to pass.
G: Is this some kind of bribery situation?
L: No, more like extortion.
G hands L some bags with $ signs.
G: Take my money, I don't want any trouble.
L: Aw, now I won't get to do THIS!
L lifts G by one leg and dangles him over the side of the pier
above the swamp.
G: Help! Police!
L: Ha ha! Scream as loud as you want! There's no police on Scabb
G: Then who upholds the law and maintains order?
L: I'm the law on this island!
G: Then who drains free coffee machines dry and roughs up the
L: I rough up what needs roughin' up!
G: Let go of me now and I won't hurt you. Seriously, 'cos I'd
drown in the swamp.
L: Hmm, it's maybe a bad idea to kill new arrivees... it'll
discourage business men from setting up shops for me to extort.
(puts G back on the pier) But remember: (sings)
Wherever you go
On sea or land
You can't ever hide
From Largo Legrande
He returns to the inn.
G: What a welcoming committee. I knew I should've got those
traveller's checks. I'd better see if this island has an
oceanside dock somewhere. I want to get out of here quick.
Scn 5- Outside of Woodtick, G arrives at another swamp. A coffin
with an oar in it sits on shore.
Sign: International House of Mojo
G pushes the coffin out onto the swamp and gets in.
G: Creepy, but apparently seaworthy.
He stokes it into the mouth of a house sized skull which rests
a little way out in the mesa.
Scn 6- He docks the boat and gets out. He stands on a dimly
lit wooden platform which is the foyer of a voodoo shop. There
is a large shelf filled with bottles and jars which G examines.
G: Hmm, Eau de Vodu, Skink Toes, Spider Lungs, Cat Dewormer,
hey what's this? Ash-2-Life: The Uncremating Cream! Sounds
He reaches to take it.
Voice: Stop! That's just an empty display jar!
In the shadows, G notices his old pal the voodoo priestess
sitting on her spooky throne.
G: Who are you?
P: How often we forget those who help us most.
G: I didn't forget, I'm asking for those who didn't see the
first movie. Which is a smashing film, incidentally.
A besuited arm hands G a wad of cash.
P: Enough plugs for the first film. Wouldn't it be great though,
if you did a long string of sequels to a movie, each one hyping
the prior one to such a degree that the viewer would be compelled
to see them all. Regardless of their initial box office
performance or quality, you'd be making wads of cash by number
G: What a fantastic idea! Almost as fantastic as getting to
see (insert LeChuck actor's name here) head blown off in the
Secret of Monkey Island-
P: I said quit it.
G: But I want people to continualy watch that one so I stay
young. Sequels make me old.
P: Not as old as these plot incongruous comedy routines get.
Anyway, it was I who told you how to get the potion you needed
to defeat LeChuck.
G: And a fat lot of use your advice was! You sent me needlessly
packing off to Monkey Island! Why didn't you just tell me to
buy a bottle of root beer and hide in the church if your
foresight's so good?
P: Hey, I have myopic foresight alright? I can't exactly go
and get prescribed for spiritual mindglasses or anything.
G: How's business been this week? Got any money I can borrow?
P: OK... cured a few hexes, gave out some evil eyes. Made many
pieces of eight, though Largo took most of them.
G: YOU let Largo push you around? Why is that midget such a
force around here?
P: He's a weak little man with an inferiority complex who bullies
the whole island. Many are scared of him because he was once
LeChuck's right hand man. He was home with flu when LeChuck
and his crew died in the storm.
G: But LeChuck's dead twice over now! I personally blew him
up the second time! Largo's connection no longer has any weight.
P: True evil will never be destroyed. You shall see.
G: Why don't you curse Largo?
P: LeChuck had a dark vodu priest or houhan, at this old
fortress. When LeChuck was declared dead, Largo as the only
living crew member came into possession of all the artefacts
LeChuck had procured for this shaman. He wears symbols of
protection which defend him from me. They wouldn't protect him
from an indirect magical attack... such as a voodoo doll, which
is channelled directly into him through the doll and bypasses
G: Why don't you make one?
P: I need items from his person. Understandably, he won't let
me near him, as he is very suspicious of a vodu witch. He
probably sees you as just another harmless pirate and might
not be so cautious.
G: He came very near to killing me on sight!
P: So imagine what he'd do to me. Put simply, you've got a better
chance than I do. (pause) OK you've got me. I'm stuck in the
chair. I didn't know Skink Toe stew fattened so quickly!
G: So what do you need?
P: Butter... I'm kinda worried how your applying it might effect
our relationship though...
G: To make the voodoo doll I mean.
P: I need something from the four basic voodoo groups. Something
from the Thread, something from the Head, somethng of the Wet
and something of the Dead. Thread is a piece of clothing, head
is a lock of hair, wet is a sample of bodily fluid and part
of a dead relative for the dead.
G: I think you might have better luck with the wet part.
P: I'm hoping your heterosexuality will drive you to find a
more wholesome solution.
G: That's right, because I'm not gay! I'M NOT! (pause) I'll
go get the ingredients huh?
Scn 7- Same as scn 3.
F: He's back.
G: Say, did I ever tell you guys about the time I killed LeChuck?
F: Besides the fact that we'd all rather die than hear that
story again, there's another reason you shouldn't go spreading
B: Matthew Kelly could sue you for plagiarism-
G: Matthew Kelly? What about poor old Ron Gilbert?
F: I meant that Largo LeGrande, LeChuck's old first mate, now
lives on Scabb. I'm sure he'd like to take down the guy who
killed his friend.
G: Why don't you all gang up and chuck Largo off?
F: He knew LeChuck!
G: LeChuck's gone!
B: I heard they never found the body!
G: That's because I blew it up!
F: (pause) OK, you've got us. We're stuck to these logs we're
B: We didn't notice the sap...
G: OK, but I did blow the body up. Now if you'll just be quiet,
I'll tell you all about that, via the tale of a strapping young
lad, who little did he know, would one day-
F pulls a knife on G.
G: So, how's your pirating business going?
F: We're all landlocked because of this stupid embargo!
B: Not to mention loglocked because of our stupid selves.
F: We could probably float on these logs and paddle out to sea
if we wanted, but the embargo's in the way.
B: Hey, stupid audience, know what an embargo is?
F: Well it's not really an embargo anyway. It's really a tax
on ships going in or out.
B: And that's a tariff.
F: But it's a huge tax noone can afford so it effectively
prevents any departures or arrivals at all.
B: And THAT'S an embargo.
G: Well, I'll see you salty dogs later.
Scn 8- Entrance to Woodtick. G stands there.
G: Gosh, how do I know where to start looking for useful stuff?
There is that hotel looking place over there that I saw Largo
go in and out of, but it'd be boring to rush right in there.
Let's try each building so I don't miss anything exciting.
He enters the hut closest to him.
Scn 9- Woody the woodsmith's workshop. Various crafts and tools
sit about. Woody is hammering away at a block of wood.
G: Nice apron. Are you some sort of chef?
W: I'm a woodsmith. Which gives one of us an excuse for dressing
G: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
W: A woodchuck wouldn't and couldn't chuck wood cos woodchucks
can't chuck wood.
G: But if woodchucks would and could chuck wood, how much wood
would those woodchucks chuck?
W: Even if woodchucks could chuck wood, should those woodchucks
G: A woodchuck should chuck any wood it could chuck.
W: Oh shut up.
G: You started it.
W: No I-
G: Ssh. What's the deal with this Largo guy?
W: He really goes against my grain! I'd like to make an endtable
out of him, but I don't have the guts. Even with all my tools
and skills I can't make the one thing that would do this town
G: An all night bowling alley?
W: A voodoo doll of Largo LeGrande! I'd make it myself but
building a little wooden figurine for black magic purposes is
against the carpenters code.
G: Carpenter's code?
W: Alright, you've got me. I'm stuck. I accidentally nailed
my thumb to the bench.
G: Well, I can't think of anything right now but I'm sure I'll
be using you for something later in the film. Ciao.
Scn 10- He enters the next building.
Scn 11- A 15 year old boy sits working industriously at a desk.
The building has one room and is very small. It is obvious that
this is his living quarters as well as his office. One candle
lights the place. He is a dwarf, blind in one eye and wears
a monocle in the other. He looks up.
G: I'm Guybrush Threepwood, ghost busting stud. Who are you?
W: Wally Feed. I'm a cartographer.
G: You do open heart surgery? In here?
W: I'm the map making sort of cartographer. I also do restoration
work, you know, sticking old maps back together, painting little
cupids in the corners and such.
G: I prefer to stop and ask for directions.
W: That's what Magellan thought! (cracks up) Just a little
cartography humour there. Maps are very important.
G: Not to me. I don't travel.
W: Even better! Why waste money and time travelling the world
for one shot experiences, when with a good map you can explore
the world from the comfort of your own home, any time you like!
G: Do you know Scabb Island well then? I've got a few questions.
G: How's business recently?
W: Terrible. Noone needs maps because noone can go anywhere.
The town's not really buying into my using maps as a substitute
for vacations idea. I think I'm going to have to start decorating
them with nubile island girls to capture the full flavour of
an exotic caribbean holiday. And not as a tawdry way of
increasing sales, you understand
G: You must have a useless governor for Largo to get away with
W: Scabb has no governor! This is a haven for roughnecks and
rebels like me.
G: Well, where would I go for room and board?
W: The Bloody Lip bar's just hired a new fancy chef and the
Swamp Rot inn has all the comforts of the sea. I think it's
booked out though.
G: Do you know anything about Big Whoop?
W: (startled) Who sent you? I should warn you, I'm heavily armed.
G: I'm from the IRS. I'll need to see those files sir.
W: That's a dangerous question to ask. What exactly do you
already know about Big Whoop?
G: I'm beginning to suspect that it's not a giant whoopy cushion
as I'd hoped.
W: You mean, you don't know about the four men who found it?
G: Oh, them! Yeah, I know all about them.
W: Have you shared this information with the audience?
G: Let 'em do their own detective work for once.
W: Well you won't be needing me then.
G: But seeing as it's dark out and my harem is in the shop you
may as well tell me the story. So I can check to see you've
got it right.
Candle darkens. W's voice becomes sonorous. Spooky music.
W: All anyone knows for sure is that the merchant vessel Elaine
was struck by a terrible storm. Only four crew members had
survived when the wreckage washed ashore someplace believed
to be called Honkey Island. There they found Big Whoop.
G: But what IS Big Whoop?
W: Whatever it was, it was so wonderful... or so terrible...
that they never wanted anyone else to find it. They made a map,
tore it into four pieces. Each man took one and they went their
seperate ways. (Candle brightens) Of course all of this- cough,
cough, excuse me... (sonorous efect stops) could just be an
old legend. If I could get off of Scabb and go to the library
on Phatt Island I could do some decent research.
G: That little bed of yours reminds me of a dollhouse I, I mean
my sister had. Well, that's enough cartography for one night.
I'm gonna head for the bar.
Scn 12- G enters the Bloody Lip.
Sign: Help wanted.
Scn 13- The Bloody Lip. A bartender spit polishes glasses. A
metronome bearing piano sports a sign.
Sign: Jojo! Appearing nightly!
G: How's business?
Bartender: Pathetic. Noone ever comes here anymore. Largo's
got all my regulars spooked. You know, I can make any drink
you want, mix anything you could name, but I still can't make
the one thing to do this place some good.
G: Even if you did convert this place into a Seven Eleven, the
Caribbean has no Indians with which to staff it.
B: We need a voodoo doll of Largo Legrande!
L: Stow it pops! You've got the real thing on your hands now!
B: Oops. What can I get you sir?
L: Gimme them boozes! You'd mess it up!
L grabs some bottles swigs from them, then pours them into a
glass making a green concotion. He drinks, then groans and spits
it out onto G's front.
L: That drink was terrible!
B: You're not supposed to mix 'em like that-
L: Well I did and it dissatisfied me! What are you gonna do
now you have a dissatisfied customer on your hands?
B: Why, perhaps you'd like a refund sir?
B opens the till and hands L a few scoops of coins.
G: But he never even paid for the drink!
L: Don't get smart, smart guy.
G: What need do you have for money when you just steal goods
and services anyway?
L: Uh... Why... It's obviously... I don't need to answer to
you! Get out of my way or you can serve me a Bloody Mary...
from your nose! (to B) You'd better give me more tomorrow or
we'll have to move this dump to a new location... say the bottom
of the swamp? (laughs and leaves)
G: You just gave him all your money?
B: I don't wanna talk about it. Say, aren't you gonna wipe his
spit off of yourself?
G: Nah, it's an ingrediant for a voodoo doll.
B: Ah, at last someone's doing it finally. That's the something
of the wet ingrediant right?
G: Right. Did you never get them yourself because you're stuck
behind the bar?
B: No, it just wouldn't be decent. I'm naked below the waist.
Here have a napkin to collect that spit in.
G: Now that's just crazy! (pause) So crazy in fact, that it
just might work. (G mops up the spit off his front into a napkin)
Hey, speaking of being naked below the waist, you wanna see
B: If there's a story behind it.
G: As a matter of fact there is. The scar is where I hit the
drinks dispenser machine at Stan's shipyard on Melee Island
when I fell-
B: This is the one where LeChuck drinks too much root beer and
burps so hard he explodes right? I'm against stories that promote
moderation in drinking, I have a business to run here.
G: I saw the help wanted sign outside.
B: Sorry, I've been meaning to take that down. We hired a guy
G: Why don't you take it down now?
B: Naked remember?
G: I could take it down.
B: Alright, you've got me. I'm not really naked. I don't want
you to take it down because it's concealing a power cable for
the set lighting.
G: But if you're not really naked, then why can't you get the
B: OK, you've got me. It's not really concealing a power cable,
G: Oh, I don't wanna know. I've got what I came here for.
B: You're telling me you came here with the deliberate intention
of getting some of Largo's spit?
G: Yeah, I was gonna scrape some off a glass he'd used.
B: That wouldn't have been very funny.
G: Well EXCUSE me!
G ;eaves in a huff.
Scn 14- An open air ship deck converted into a laundromat. Marty
DeWaat stands behind a counter laden with signs. Off to the
side, the men of low moral fibre, Frank, Keg and Fat perch asleep
on a high ledge. The keg is gone, Frank has a wooden leg and
Fat's mouth is welded shut. A rat plays on the deck beneath
Signs: No we don't do leather.
Not responsible for missing hooks, patches or parrots.
PLEASE check pockets for gunpowder and pistolshot before sending
coats in for dry cleaning.
G: Who the hell are you?
Marty: Sure sonny, we can get out stew! I can also extract grog,
spit and swampmud. How? Because I'm Maaaad Marty Dewaat and
I'm MAD about getting your clothes clean.
G: Do you do alterations?
M: Alter rations? You mean like change the numbers on food
G: What do you know about Largo LeGrande?
M: I don't have anything to do with contraband! I'm clean clean
G: Whoops, I thought I wanted to talk to you but I don't.
G turns to the men of low moral fibre.
G: YO, WAKE UP!!! (they all come to) Long time no see! How's
Frank: Do we know you?
G: I'm Guybrush Threepwood, a mighty pirate. The guy you tried
to sell the minutes of a Melee Island PTA meeting to.
F: Why'd you wake us up Gorsebush?
G: I see you found your rat.
Keg: Yep and he's got a name now. Mozzarella Monster. He'll
eat anything that tastes like cheese.
G: (taps F's wooden prosthetic) How did you lose your leg?
F: A performance accident. After our Melee circus failed-
K: -on account of some idiot scaring our rat away-
F: -we moved to Phatt Island and opened a catering business.
K: The Sacked Lunch!
F: Then Governor Phatt bought the business from us seeing as
it was so sucessful.
G: How long is this story exactly?
K: We sank Phatt's fee into a glass bottom boat.
F: We wanted to sail to legendary Donkey Island.
K: Boy did we want to get there! Legend has it that it's the
location of Big Whoop!
G: Big Whoop!
F: Hey, you don't have to listen to our story if you don't want
G: No no, please finish. What did you find on Donkey Island?
K: Nothing. We never got there.
F: Seems the dealer who sold us the boat, some foreigner called
Dan, forgot to put the glass in the bottom of the boat.
G: Well, it's getting past my bedtime-
K: We didn't notice and set sail anyway. We were forced to
perform an emergency landing on some desert island we never
learnt the name of.
F: There we met a philosopher hermit who told us something that
changed our lives forever.
G: That you should bore innocent unusupecting passers by to
death with long stories?
K: He said 'All the world's a stage and all the men and women
F: So we decided to go into theatre. We found the rat-
K: -it would take too long to explain where and how-
F: -and decided to incorporate him into our theatre pieces.
K: Frank was showing the inseparability of the path man walks
from the food chain when he lost the leg.
F: The symbolism of the cheese was essential.
G: So why are you up on that ledge?
K: We're performing.
G: You were asleep!
F: It's a portrayal of man's precarious predicament and his
mixed unwillingness and inability to do anything about it.
G: I think you're missing out on the potential dramatic effect
to be gained by illustrating your closeness to the earth.
K: OK, you have us. We're stuck. We're afraid to come down.
F: We suffer from acute orcaphobia.
G: Fear of wind instruments? Fear of killer whales?
K: No, orcaphobia.
G: Sounds more like workaphobia.
F: Maybe it was the opposite of orcaphobia...
G: The opposite of orca is acro.
K: Acrophobia? What does being close to the ground have to do
with running away from spiders?
F: What does this longwinded conversation have to do with the
G: But I should at least ask what happened to his mouth. (points
K: Oh, Frank got tired of hitting him.
G: And where's your keg?
F: You won't ever mention that keg again if you know what's
good for ya, alright?
G enters the last building on the wharf, the one Largo came
Scn 15- The Swamp Rot Inn. A clerk is at a desk, frantically
sorting papers. His pet baby alligator is asleep by its bowl.
It is tied to a wooden post with a rope. The hotel only has
one room, which G attempts to enter.
Clerk: Hey! You can't go in there! That's Mr LeGrande's private
G: This place has no vacancy with only one guest?
C: Yeah but Largo eats like thirty and pays like none.
G: Is he in right now?
C: I think he's still out doing his extortion rounds.
G: I bet I could find some handy stuff in Largo's room. But
how to get rid of this clerk?
C: Excuse me?
G: I'm sorry, my stupid voicover mike's fallen out of my lapel.
G looks shiftily about and his gaze settles on the alligator.
He hides behind the post and loosens the rope, then nudges the
gator awake. It senses its freedom and runs away out into town.
C: How did old Pegbiter get loose? I'd better catch him, before
he catches someone else.
C runs outside, revealing two wooden legs. Cam pans to reveal
G with his face in Pegbiter's bowl, going at it. He looks up
at the camera in shame.
G: Sorry but they're Cheese Flavour Gator Gobbles. I can't
He crams his pockets with them, then ducks into Largo's room.
Scn 16- A small bedroom, very messy. On a drawer sits a styrofoam
head with toupee. G examines a lewd painting.
G: I don't know much about art, but I know... something...
He grabs the toupee.
G: Hmm, this should qualify for that something of the head voodoo
ingrediant. I can still feel its unpleasant environmentally
unfriendly styrofoam residue...
G: Eek, Largo's coming back! He's gonna kill me when he finds
me in here! (narrows eyes cunningly) Unless...
Cut to G lying half naked on the bed, propped up on one elbow.
G: Nah, I think I'll take my chances getting killed. Unless...
He reaches under the bed and pulls out a chamber pot. He opens
the door slightly and balances the pot on the jamb, then
redresses. He hides under the bed. L enters and the pot falls
neatly over his head, soiling his shirt.
L: WHAT THE HELL? Some prankster's gonna be real sorry when
I get this off my head...
He stumbles away.
G: I sure am. I'm gonna hafta look at your face again. (leaves)
Scn 17- G notes a commotion on the laundry ship and heads over.
Naked from the waist up, L is talking to Marty. He still has
the pot over his head and Keg is hanging upside down from the
ledge above, stealthily drawing a comically snarling L face
L: Look, I'm tired of standing around here half-nude old man!
K: I envy you your blindess Marty. (K finishes the face then
pulls himself up and departs back to the others)
L: I want you to clean it for free Marty. Tonight.
M: Party tonight? Sure I'll come!
L: Don't make me mad Marty.
M: That's my name, don't wear it out.
L: Useless old coon. (turns to go and trips over G's
out-stretched leg, smashing the pot) WHO- Oh, you got the pot
off. Thanks. Say Flysquish, I just gave Marty my shirt to wash
but I don't think he understood my directions. Make sure he
has it ready before I go to bed, or I'll pound both of yas.
G: I'd like to pick up some laundry.
M: Now why would I have a palm tree around? If you're here to
claim an article of clothing, THEN I can help you. Just stop
fooling around and give me your claim ticket.
G: I must've left it in my other pants?
M: Busted by your brother's ants? What kind of a fool do you
take me for?
G: I make out that it was stolen.
M: Takin' it out bowlin' was a dumb thing to do. You deserve
to have lost it.
G: Well actually, mom threw it out when she cleaned my room.
M: You beaned your mom with a broom? HAH! That's the oldest
one in the book!
G: I lost it while being keelhauled.
M: You accosted an eel being mauled? What does that have to
do with your ticket?
G: It melted in my grog.
M: It got welted by a log? Well now, that is a good excuse.
I suppose I should be lenient and let you have your clothing.
Now, what did you say your name was?
G: Largo LeGrande.
M: Barge On The Strand? Not a bad restaurant-
G: LARGO LEGRANDE!!!
M: Alright, alright, no need to shout. Now, Lardin Mypan, you
were here just before. Changed your mind about having that shirt
done? Well here it is... funny, you looked more ceramic at our
last meeting as I recall...
G swipes the shirt.
G: Isn't that peculiar, bye.
G goes back out into Woodtick.
G: That's Thread, Head and Wet done. The last one is... dead.
Wonder if there's a cemetary about on this island...
Scn 18- The cemetary. Dark spooky. G stands at the gate and
sniffs Largo's shirt.
G: Love that April Fresh scent! (enters the graveyard, scans
epitaphs) Let's see... I need a piece of one of Largo's
relatives... LeGrande... LeGrande... Grave of the Unknown
Sailor... Grave of the Uknown Pirate... Grave of the Unknown
Drunk Guy We Found Washed Ashore Face Down And Drowned In His
Own Puke... Here lies Hank Plank. Does that name ring any bells?
You see, somebody forgot to pay for the funeral, Stan... Stan's
Cosy Crypts, a place to spend eternity, not a fortune... A life
of action, that was Jim's, too bad he ran out of limbs... Here
lies wicked Marco Legrande, hell on sea, hell on land. We thank
the lord that he is dead, we're not so thankful that he bred.
(pulls out shovel) Well here's where I dig it, daddy-o.
G: 'Tis a creepy feeling.
He starts digging. A silhouetted figure appears behind G and
starts to approach.
Figure: I ask you, I take the trouble of reserving a grave to
rob for Doctor Frankenfurter and some hoon barges in-
G: I'm sorry. What were you after?
G: Ah, well you'd be wasting your time with this grave, I've
met his offspring.
F: Oh really? Well I'll just try another one then.
F disappears and G resumes digging. He reaches in and pulls
out a bone. He holds it above his head as lightning crashes
Scn 19- L bolts upright in bed.
L: By my grandfather's grave, I swear something wierd is going
Scn 20- Where 18 ended. G's pants are gone.
G: Oh and I suppose I'm that something wierd going on by your
grandfather's grave am I?
Director: FOR CHRIST'S SAKE PUT SOME PANTS ON (G actor's first
Scn 21- The priestess' abode. G now has a padlock holding his
pants on, but only this scene.
G: I have the ingrediants. A gob of spit, his grandfather's
bone, this shirt and a toupee.
P: Hmm, not part of his head strictly speaking but I suppose
I can get some scalp flakes from it. Just let me get my juju
bag. (pulls out a blue plastic shopping bag and drops a doll,
then the stuff inside. She shakes it over her head, doing
cheerleader bit.) Two, four, six, eight, who do we assassinate?
Largo! Largo! Yeah!
The bag explodes leaving her holding a little Largo doll. She
gives it to G.
P: And here are some voodun regulation doll stabbing pins. (hands
him a little packet) Now go get 'im!
Scn 22- Largo stands motionless in his room. As G enters, he
L: You do NOT look like the photo in the magazine.
G: Um, voduagram?
G takes out the doll and a pin and stabs it right up the butt.
G: Take that you stumpy little ugly toad!
L: I'M GOING TO TEAR YOUR-
G stabs it in the knee. L hops around.
L: How are you doing that?
G: My name is Guybrush Threepwood and I'm a mighty pirate who
oughtn't to be messed with! (poises pin over doll's crotch)
You are a no good uh, no goodnik, a big old bed wetting doody
head! Give me back my money and leave the island!
L: I already spent your money!
G: Oh. Well leave the island!
L: I already left the island!
G: OK then. (turns to go) Wait a minute. (turns back) Are you
trying to pull a fast one?
L: I already pulled a fast one!
G: Well there's not much I can do about it then I suppose. I
just hope this has taught you not to mess with the guy who killed
L: YOU killed LeChuck?
G: Sure did. Quite an interesting story really. Still in my
teens, I arrived on Melee Island-
L: No way that YOU killed LeChuck.
G: Oh yeah, then how do you explain the big hairy thing in my
pants? Behold! LeChuck's beard! (G pulls it out) Still alive
and wriggling thanks to a dodgy hair restoration program.
L snatches it and pockets it, then pushes past G.
L: Thanks a lot pal! We've been searching for a piece of
LeChuck's spirit for a year! We've got his body back at the
hideout but we needed a soul piece to resurrect it! Look out
world! The most fearsome pirate ever will soon sail the seas
again! (sprints away)
Scn 23- P's place.
P: I'm afraid it's true Guybrush. LeChuck can be ressurrected.
G: But I blew LeChuck into a billion tiny pieces! How could
they have rounded it all up?
P: They didn't. You didn't destroy his body Guybrush. You
destroyed his ghost, his disembodied spirit. Once he became
a ghost, he entombed his physical body at his Monkey Island
G: So when he comes back, this time he'll be-
P: Decayed? Partially decomposed? Yes. And I don't think that'll
make him more pleasant to deal with.
G: He'll be looking for me! Trying to kill me! What should I
P: You're doing all you can do right now.
P: Looking for Big Whoop.
G: Oh yeah. I was doing that wasn't I?
P: If used properly, Big Whoop can protect you from LeChuck.
Find it and you might be safe.
G: Can you tell me where and what it was?
P: All I can detect of Big Whoop is its mystical prescence.
It is magical and powerful. Its specifics are a mystery to me.
Here, I have a book about it. It will give you some back story.
Now hurry, find the four map pieces the book speaks of, before
LeChuck finds you.
Scn 24- The beach. G sits down with Bart+Fink.
G: You don't have to worry about Largo anymore. He's history.
F: He must've got my hate-mail.
B: Fink sure can write a mean letter.
G: Do you guys know any piratey songs?
F: There's the Scabb Anthem.
(sings) I'd rather be a scab on a pirate, then a pirate on Scabb.
G: Any others?
B: (sings) Oh, I wish I could stick it right up Marley's-
G: No rude ones about Elaine Marley please.
F: Oh come on Looflush. You know that 98% of pirate songs are
about things to make a harlot blush. And Marley's a babe!
B: I think Guybrush here is still carrying a torch for her.
F: That's right, didn't Governor Marley once govern your heart?
B: Well anyway, I can only think of one shanty suitable for
our current situation:
(sings) The cabin boy, the cabin boy, the dirty little nipper
He lined his ass
With broken glass
And castrated the skipper
G: I don't think that was suitable for the current situation
F: What about our G rating?
Megaphone Voice: PHARP! THERE IT GOES!
F: Oh man, now we're gonna miss out on the kiddy cash.
G: Gimme a marshmallow.
B: We don't have any marshmallows.
G: Then what's that white puffy thing on the end of your stick?
F: It's the pad for putting under my eye socket. He's sterilising
G: Well I suppose I should start thinking about getting off
Scabb and finding Big Whoop. Do you guys know where I can charter
B: At the far southwest peninsula you'll find a man named CAPTAIN
DREADS. You should go see him.
G: Captain Dreads? I think you'll find that it's Captain Dread.
F: No, it's Captain Dreads alright. You'll know why when you
G leaves. F plucks the padding off the stick and pops it under
F: Nope, that's a marshmallow alright. Melted too. Hope it
doesn't run through my socket into my brain or anything.
B: Me too.
F swigs some grog.
Scn 25- An eerie looking houseboat sits by itself at the end
of a dark rickety wharf.
G: I love a home with that nautical look.
Scn 26- Inside the houseboat. A bedreadlocked Jamaican cliche
is asleep at the wheel. He wakes up at G's approach.
G: Natty dreads.
Dread: Thanks mon.
G: I heard you chartered out your ship.
D: Used to mon. Not for a while. Had a bad experience on me
last voyage. Me an' me navigatin' friend went to legendary Flunky
island to discover its secret. We met some cannibals and they
be cuttin' off me friends head. Not fun times mon.
G: I think I've met your friend.
D: Doubt it mon. But rumour has it that Largo's been run off
the island so I'm supposin' I'm free to sail again.
G: How much?
D: Oh, is free mon, I ain't worth payin'.
G: I see. So where's your ship?
D: You're standin' in it mon.
Scn 27- A guy in purple robe and vodu mask (Mark) stands by
a huge ornate throne. Behind the throne is a massive coffin.
Largo: When are we ressurrecting that bloated old fool?
The coffin lid slides off and smashes on the floor. A shadowy
shape rises from it.
Shape: I'll pretend I didn't hear that comment just this once
Largo... but only because Mark here tells me you've found Gungho
L: It's Gumshoe Frisbee sir and he's on Scabb Island.
S: Excellent. You must sail after Chugaloug Treeroot and capture
him. I want him alive. Do not fail me.
S: Ay, Giant Redwood is finished. Nobody gets the upper hand
of LeChuck without paying for it. By the way Mark, where is
Mark (voodoo guy): Dunno, haven't seen him around
S: Me neither. Wonder where he's got to. Well if you see him...
M: I'm kidding. You are LeChuck remember?
S: Oh Mark, you are a card! Now, I want you to start building
me a very special voodoo doll...
Scn 28- G on the deck of D's ship. It is now day and they are
on the ocean.
Caption: Part Two
Four Map Pieces
G: Suppose this is as good a time as any to read the book the
priestess gave me. (flips it open) 'Big Whoop: Unclaimed Bonanza
or Myth?' Says here there were four men who survived a crash
landing on Ponkey Island. Rapp Scallion the cook, Young Lindy
the cabin boy, Rum Rogers the first mate and Mary Lou- I mean
Captain Marley. Wonder if there's any relation. Upon finding
Big Whoop on Ponkey, they made a map which they divided into
four parts and went their sperate ways. Scallion returned to
Scabb Island where he opened a weenie restaurant, successful
until a flash fire wiped the business and himself out. Lindy
started a law firm and died penniless after his mishandling
of the Gangrene and Honey account. Rogers retired to Phatt Island
and lives a hermit's life there. Captain Marley disappeared
during the America's Cup race. His boat was leading at the time.
As for the map pieces, Rapp had his interred with him, Lindy
sold his to an antique store on Booty Island to recoup some
of his losses, Marley gave his to his daughter and Rogers
presumably still has his with him.
D: Welcome to the Jolly Rasta mon!
G: Say, do you know how to get to Phatt and Booty Islands?
D: Sure do mon. Where to? Phatt's nearer-
G: Then Phatt it is.
Scn 29- G hops off the boat and steps onto a wharf. All is silent
and deserted in the fairly big looking city. the only sign of
life is a Hulk Hogan lookalike in a roman soldier outfit reading
G: Thank God, Thunder In Paradise finally fell through.
Hulk: I'm sorry sir, you must have mistaken me for someone else.
(looks at the poster, which we see has 'wanted' and G's face
on it, then back at G) Excuse me sir, are you Goodbye
G: That's right! I'm the man who swashed LeChuck's buckles!
H: I'm with the local constabulary sir. I'm afraid I'm going
to have to ask you to come with me.
G: I'M UNDER ARREST?
H: Yes sir. You are.
Scn 30- H is marching G into a luxurious mansion.
Scn 31- H ushers G up a flight of stairs.
Scn 32- The bedroom of Lester Phatt. A man about four foot wide
and two foot high lying down is sprawled over a double bed,
munching chips. He looks very sickly. Sacks of junk food and
crates of soft drinks surround him.
Lester: Mr Turncoat, I can't say how pleased I am to have you
as a guest in my house.
G: Your home is very lovely. A stunning contrast with the owner.
L: Thank you. I am Governor Phatt and I must admit, my tastes
in furnishings do run to the expensive.
G: I can see your tastes run to the expansive.
L: Mr Freemeal, be careful upon whose toes you tread.
G: That must be a real problem for you, you couldn't see anyone's
L: Well we shall see who laughs last when I execute a scheme
to make myself a pretty penny.
G: Advertising space on your stomach? Selling your old underpants
for circus tents? A professional ship ballast?
L: I shall be selling something I will be very glad to get rid
of. You. To LeChuck.
G: LeChuck's dead!
L: Is that so? He looked rather alive for a dead person when
I spoke with him earlier. But then he looked rather dead for
an alive person I suppose.
G: Oh no! LeChuck's back already! Well, I took him once, I can
do it again!
L: And I'll be only too happy to provide you with that chance
by giving you a reunion. He's put a sizable bounty on your head,
one I intend to collect.
G: I bet it'll buy a lot of pure fat and bacon grease. Why don't
you just hold the scientific community to ransom by patenting
the fourth dimension your waistline has discovered?
L: Take him away!
H: Come with me sir.
G: I'll be back! No... I'll be BACK! Wait a minute, I'LL be
back! I'LL BE back! I'll BE- H drags him away)
Scn 33- H has locked G inside a prison cell. Inside the cell
is a skeleton. There is a desk by the door with Hulk's sacked
lunch on it and beneath it, a senile corgi with a keyring in
H: You will be detained until LeChuck arrives to collect you.
If you attempt to escape, Walt here will chew you to bits.
G turns to the skeleton.
G: A terrible case of dieting gone wrong.
G removes the skeletons tibia and pokes it through the cell
bars at Walt. Walt approaches, drops the keys and takes the
bone. G takes the keys and frees himself.
G: Time for me to blow this joint.
He picks up the skeleton's pelvis and makes silly kazoo noises
G: The bone's a joint... blowing the joint, see?
A big rubber stamp tumps onto the screen leaving the word 'sad'
within a red circle. G looks inside the lunchbag.
G: Aw, it's just goat's head soup. Not even a beggar's banquet.
I'd eat it but I'd get sticky fingers.
Scn 34- G is in an alley. A roulette wheel hangs on the wall.
A little man (Hat) and a tall man (William) stand by it.
Poster: Blackbeard says 'If I could read, I'd spend all my time
at the Phatt City Library!'
William: No more bets? (spins wheel) 19 Black! You win again!
Which of our fabulous prizes will you take home with you this
time? The invitation to Governor Marley's Fabulous Fench Festive
Fish Fry Mardi Gras on Booty Island? Or some money?
Hat: I'll stick with the money.
W: He takes- the money! (hands H a bag. H leaves) Can't win
if you don't play! Just one piece of eight! All you have to
do is watch the wheel! Pick a colour, red or black! Pick a
number, one to thirty! If your colour and number comes up, you
H: I'd like to play again. 4 black.
W spins the wheel.
W: Another win sir! Which of our fabulous prizes will you-
W: Money it is!
H takes his pouch and goes.
G: How come that guy keeps winning?
W: I think he's got some inside help if you know what I mean.
G follows H.
Scn 35- An adjacent alley. G hides behind some crates and watches
H knock on a door. A slot opens.
H: Gimme the next number.
Voice: Gimme the passwoid. If this is one (a hand emerges through
the slot and holds up one finger) what's this? (holds up two
H: Your hand. And I'll thank you not to make such gestures at
V: Right. The next number will be 17 red.
H leaves. Slot shuts. G emerges and knocks on the door himself.
V: Whaddya want boy?
G: Hi, I'm Guybrush Threepwood, a mighty pirate.
V: I'm Cruff. Nice to meet you Guybrush.
G: I'm selling these fine leather jackets.
G: What's the next winning number?
V: Foist you hafta tell me what this is.
Hand emerges and holds up four fingers.
G: A stupid password system? Rutabaga?
V: You must be a member of the Gambling Guild. Funny, I don't
recall swearing you in.
G: That's cos your mother dropped you when you were little.
On purpose. Repeatedly. But you were just too tough.
V: (sobbing) The next number will be 3 black. Go away mister,
Scn 36- The wheel. H+W are there.
W: 17 red! Here's the money!
H: Hey, I wanted the invitation! Just kidding, giz us that money.
(takes it) Well that's enough out of me for today. See you
tomorrow William. (leaves)
W: See you Hat. Yer pays yer money, yer takes yer chances.
G: I'd like to take mer chances. 3 black. (hands W a coin, W
W: 24 red!
Wheel rotates a few more segments.
W: Congratulations sir! You're our millionth winner! And you
know what that means?
G: What? What?
G: Oh. Well can I have the invitation to Governor Marley's party?
W: (abusive) What's the matter nomates, couldn't you get invited
without a gameshow's help?
G snatches the invitation and runs away in terror.
Scn 37- G leaps onto D's ship.
G: Booty Island Jeeves, and don't spare the horses!
D: You weren't drinking the water here were you? Phatt's
pollutants make funny tings happen...
Scn 38- G disembarks onto Booty Island. A colorful and noisy
Mardi Gras is raging in town. A band on a crude wooden stage
play gaudy trumpet-ridden music. Next to G is a block labeled
'Relevant Shops' which contains an antique store, and a funeral
G: Gee, could that be the antique store Lindy sold his map to?
(pause) I wonder. (gets back on the boat)
Caption: The end.
End credits partially roll. G gets off the ship and enters the
antique store. Credits, at regular speed, reverse their way
back down the screen during the following.
Scn 39- A man wearing 3D glasses and neon pirate gear stands
behind a counter with all sorts of junk around him.
K: I've got plenty of neat stuff round this store sir. (holds
up a gross head) Authentic headshrinker victim replicas made
from bleached whalebone. Even have a flap of synthesised skin
to hang them from. (holds up sign) A sign from famous Perilous
Precipice, now known as Dead Man's Drop. (third arm holds up
a ship's horn) This is a real ship's horn just like the real
ship's horns used on real ships when they need a real ship's
G: I'll take it! (grabs it)
K: (pause) Well? (pause) My payment?
G: I said I'd take it and I took it. Just kidding, here's the
cash. (gives money to K) Stealing isn't cool kids!
Voice: Yes, I know what you're probably thinking to yourself
right now. 'How did Guybrush pay for the horn? Largo took all
his money! This doesn't make a lick of sense! I'm beginning
to think that the whole film's a crock!' (menacing) Well that's
some attitude you've got there mister.
K: (G makes to leave) Ahem, perhaps you'd like to inspect my
G: (gives him a wierd look) No.
K: Hey! What's that on the counter? WHY IT'S ONE OF THE MAP
PIECES THAT LEADS TO BIG WHOOP! HOW DID THAT GET THERE?
G: Oo! How much is it?
G: SIX MILLION?
K: It's a genuine artefact! Only four of its kind in the world.
And if Big Whoop actually exists to be found, 6,000,000 is more
than worth it. I tried to round the pieces up once. I gave up.
I did find another, in Governor Marley's mansion, but she
wouldn't let me have it. She says it was one of her father's
last gifts to her so it has sentimental value.
G: Is there anything besides cash which you'll accept for it?
Do you take Visa?
K: That's too easy. You'd better go on some quest to get me
some silly item to exchange for it.
G: How about this keen rubber chicken with a pulley in the
K: I think it's way past time you cleaned your pockets out.
G: I probably still have that navigator head in here somewhere...
I hope he doesn't need to eat...
K: Anyway, as to what I'd exchange for this map, either 1,000
slightly used parrots, or the figurehead of the Mad Monkey.
It's supposed to be a wonderfully beautiful work of art.
G: I'll just mosey on over to the sunken galleon figurehead
vending machine then. (leaves)
Scn 40- Same as 38.
G: Now, in order to go sunken ship hunting, you need a glass
A striking woman in captain regalia begins yelling right at
Guybrush, ignoring everyone else.
Kate: GLASS BOTTOM BOAT! SEE THE WORLD! PLOT YOUR OWN COURSE!
SEE A REAL SUNKEN BOAT! AND NO, COMEDIANS, I DON'T MEAN MINE!
G: What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?
K: But this is a nice place.
G: Exactly. (pause) Come here often?
K: I will if you don't.
G: Ooh, firey. You know, I could really fall for you.
K: Off a cliff hopefully.
G: What's your sign?
G: I'm a 'Severe Tire Damge' myself. (pause) Wanna feel my
K: Sure. (squeezes his head)
G: If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against
K: I'd hold anything against you, especially the knuckles.
G: Wanna see my scar?
K: I've seen lobotomies thanks.
G: You're in good hands with me, baby.
K: If they're so good why don't you off and be in your own hands?
G: Got any pirate in you?
G: Want some? (pause) OK, I give up. I'm out of original lines
and I hate to use other people's. I'm Guybrush Threepwood, a
K: Hi Mycrush, I'm Captain Kate Capsize.
G: My god! Results!
K: You see? When you stop trying to impress me and be civil,
it works. Women want men who can start normal engaging
conversations without hiding behind fratboy pickup lines which
revolve around sexually objectifying the female.
G: So you'll sleep with me then?
K: (slowly) No, you see I don't think that in a normal engaging
conversation that that would be the next thing you say. (normal)
Say, do you want to charter a ship? I do weddings, funerals,
bar mitzvahs, you name it.
G: Do you do mighty pirates? (pause) Ha ha. Only joking.
K: If you ever want to stop thinking with your pantaloons and
give me some business, here's one of my flyers. It's got a big
picture of my face and chest on the front and the back's all
sticky so you can put it on the bedroom wall so you'll always
see it and think of my glass bottom boat services.
G: Yes. Glass bottom boat services. Can I have another leaflet?
K: Hey, these things cost money to print.
G: Well I might need a glass bottom boat. I'm searching for
K: Big whoop.
G: That's right, Big Whoop.
K: No, I meant big whoop. It doesn't exist. When I was mating
on the Limping Limpet we went in search of Big Whoop, trying
to find Bonkey Island, where it supposedly lay. Our captain
died of boredom while crossing the sea of beige flotsam and
we were forced to return.
G: Let's get your boat chartered, shall we?
K: (sticks out hand) 6,000 pieces o' eight.
G: I just had this conversation. I'll come back to you later.
G moves on and meets an old man with an ear trumpet standing
next to an antique cannon.
G: (Beavis voice) Hey old man, do you ever blow off your cannon?
Augustus: Why don't you just blow off? My name is Augustus
DeWaat, not old man. And this cannon is for signalling the
G: What is it with these Caribeean islands employing ancient
geezers as lookouts? Are you related to a guy called Marty?
A: The only Marty I know is Mardi Gras! (Foghorn Leghorn) It's
a joke boy, a joke I say. Too fast for ya, son.
G: I'm not here for Mardi Gras. I'm here for a treasure hunt.
A: They're doing a treasure hunt again this year? I would've
thought last year's disaster would've put an end to that. People
got carried away, graves were dug up and such.
G: Dang! I do enjoy a good gravedigging.
A: That's not really a joke as you already did it once this
film and you'll mess around in graves some more before it's
over. And in Monkey Island 3, you actually-
G: Ssh. Saying things like that may cause problems in series
continuity if we decide to deviate from the plan for future
A: That's only an issue for films which take continuity into
G: Anyway, who was joking? So Marley lives here now, the antique
dealer told me. I used to date her...
A: Oh sure. And I bet you helped her defeat LeChuck too.
G: Actually I beat LeChuck all by myself.
A: It's OK son. Mardi Gras is the time for fantasy.
G: You're right, I'm lying. I'm so ashamed of myself!
A: Doesn't it feel better to tell the truth?
G: Dialouge shortened due to time constraints.
G moves on to a tollbooth. LeChuck, as he appeared in MI1 (but
not transparent) emerges from it.
G: LECHUCK! Urgleargleburkawwww! Splurk splurk!
Aggggyhudgemowatta! Um. Er. Ahoogle!
LeChuck: (pulls off head to reveal woman) Get a grip. Don't
you know a Mardi Gras costume when you see one?
G: (calmly) Nice costume. It's about to scare me to death.
He shrieks, clutches his heart and falls over.
Woman: Sorry (G actor's name) the director's not buying it.
G: Drat. My escape is foiled. That's all my agent's ideas used
up. (stands) So what are you guarding here?
W: Marley's party. I'm making sure there's no gatecrashers.
I'm on red alert, for a Glasgow Throwaway.
G: Elaine Marley's down this way?
W: I'm not surprised you've heard of her. She's the very same
Elaine Marley that killed LeChuck.
G: Oh for cryin' out... Well anyway, I'm here for the party.
W: Invitation please.
G gives W the invitation.
W: And now for your complimentary costume. (pulls box out of
booth) Er, sorry about this, but it's all we've got left.
She hands him a tiny purple tutu with a pink sweater.
W: Put it on and I'll let you in.
G: OK, but try to restrain yourself. (starts to unbutton)
W: What, from puking? Go into the bushes or something, sheesh.
G exits and shortly returns wearing the costume.
G: Have you no mercy on me, you evil evil film makers?
As he walks, the sweater snags on a branch, giving it a hookerish
seam down the back.
G: And these thigh length leather pirate boots... once so
innocent and nonchalant... now they just look seedy.
W: Enjoy your costume, but not too much. Having fun dressed
like that can get you arrested.
G: Yeah yeah.
He continues up the path past the booth.
Scn 41- G is just entering Elaine Marley's mansion. Various
party goers in comedy costumes stand around. G scans the room
and centres on a display case on the mantle.
G: Splutter! It's part of the Big Whoop map!
He swipes it and leaves.
Scn 42- Outside the mansion. A hound dog sleeps by the door
and a gardener is raking up leaves. The dog woofs at G.
Gardener (Filbert): What's the matter there Guybrush?
G: Nothing a hug wouldn't cure. But how'd you know my name?
F: I'm talking to the dog!
G: She named her dog Guybrush?
F: I don't get it either. She says it's because he's dumb and
helpless and keeps getting in the way. I think it's a stupid
name. But what'd you do to get him so riled?
G: I'm selling these fine pink sweaters.
F: Not on my colour wheel. Say, Guybrush has been trained to
sniff out the household objects so people can't take off with
them. Empty out your pockets please.
G: Try and stop me!
G runs away and F throws the rake at him. it sails over G's
head. G turns his head back to yell and keeps running.
G: Ha, you missed!
He steps on the head of the rake and the handle smacks into
his face, knocking him out.
Scn 43- Elaine Marley's bedroom. E stands by the window, looking
out. F enters with G and hands E the map.
F: Another would-be treasure hunter trying to make off with
your map. It's Guybrush.
E: I knew that dog's stupidness was just an act so he could
(turns around) GUYBRUSH! WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? Filbert, go rake
the back forty.
F: Yes Ma'am. (leaves)
G: Want to be alone with me and my sexy kit huh?
E: Well you've managed to reach new depths of degredation with
G: Boy, look at us together again! We haven't been like this
since two years ago! Although you were the one wearing this
E: Guybrush, ever wonder why I moved without giving you my
G: Is that what happened? I don't remember between films too
E: Guybrush, we were a mistake!
G: You've gained weight. (pause) Uh, I mean how's your sister?
E: Which one?
G: You know, the REALLY good looking one, uh well, I see you're
stil ignoring fashion! Good for you! Oh just give me the map!
E: Get outta my house!
G: Come on, lend me some money and I'll buy you a grog. You
know, you're really cute when you're pretending to be mad.
G: Look, you'll feel better if you just slip into something
more comfortable. (pause) Got any food in this dump? (pause)
If you apologise now, I might just let you come back to me.
G: So, uh, you and the gardener huh? I was wondering about that
She starts to shake.
G: Well, your lonely nights are over now I'm back.
E: Haven't been having any, but they're over for you. That suit
in a crowded jail cell if you don't GET OUTTA MY HOUSE!
G: (sits down, puts feet on coffee table) I could really use
a footrub right about now. (pause) Look Elaine, my soul is sick
and your love is the only cure.
E: What makes you think I want to heal it?
G: Well if you won't take me back, kill me now. (stands)
E: Don't tempt me.
G: My life's meaningless without you!
E: So what's the diff?
G: I'd jump out that window to prove my love for you.
E: Go on then.
E: Jump out the window. (opens it)
G: Um... OK then.
He stands on the sill. He prepares to jump when E pulls him
E: Oh Guybrush, you were really going to do it! That's a two
story drop! Devotion like that is hard to find!
G: So I get the map?
E: THE MAP? Is that what this has been about? I should've known
better! Get outta here and take your stupid map with you!
She shoves the map into his clutches and pushes him out the
Scn 44- G lies in a heap outside the mansion. Everything goes
a dark red except G.
G: Boy that really hurt! (stands)
A middle aged couple come on.
G: Mum? Dad? Am I dead?
Dad: Only above the neck son.
Mom: (elbows D) Ron! Guybrush, we've been looking for you.
D: We needed you to get knocked out so you could have a vision.
But you just wouldn't do it! Now, when there's no need for you
to get knocked out you somehow manage to-
M: That's enough dear. (carnival music starts to faintly play)
We've come to warn you. Living as we do in the realm of death,
we can sense when someone is planning to use black magic against
D: Uh oh, he's onto us! His priest has detected our interference!
Things go a bit green. M+D pop out of their screens and dance
arouns as skeletons.
M: Join us! Find Big Whoop and join us!
D: It's too bad you're an only child! Why couldn't we have had
someone more assertive and commanding?
A green hand claps on G's shoulder.
LeChuck's Voice: Like me.
G awakes. Colour returns to normal. He is lying on the ground
again and stands.
G: What a wierd dream! I bet there was some cryptic meaning
in there. Don't imagine we have much time for padding because
we're still only on part 2 of 4. Well at least I've finally
got a map piece.
Scn 45- Largo approaches LeChuck, who is in the shadow.
Largo: Our inside contact reports that Guybrush has definitely
recovered Marley's map piece.
L: Good. He's supposed to. (wet thump) Go and see if Mark's
finished on those rivets would you? My extremities keep falling
off. Oh, and put plenty of worm pellets in my soup, couldn't
get an ounce of sleep last night. (giggles) Ooh, they're ticklish
LeChuck gets up and heads for the door. Lights go out as he
passes, keeping him in the darkness.
Largo: (quietly) Creep.
L: If you insist. (His silhouette creeps away)
G walks on.
G: Gee, I wonder if that's the same Stan- wait a minute, I've
jumped the gun haven't I?
Scn 46- Woody's workshop.
G: Now that doesn't make much sense... I suppose a rushed scene
change will do stuff like that though. Just thought you might
like to know that Largo LeGrande will never bother you again?
Woody: Yeah, I heard Marty scared him off by putting pins in
G: No, it was me!
W: Well you'd certainly be more effective than pins...
G: Hey, can I have your hammer and some nails? Every adventurer
needs a hammer and some nails. It's like string or glue or
scissors, there's always a use for them.
Woody: No, go away.
G: (whining) Give 'em!
G+W start to tussle over them. The fight gets violent with
foreheads being whapped with hammers and such.
W: You can't do this, you have to achieve your goals by clever
adventure puzzle type thingys.
G: I read the treatments for Monkey slands 3+4 and I still don't
get to throw a single punch! I'm spoiling for a fight! What
self respecting adventurer does four films without once punching
W: A very wise witty one. Now-
G obtains the hammer and nails.
W: Hey, give those-
Scn 47- Scn cuts to outside the funeral parlour in Villa de
G: Phew, guess they finally got the right scenery arranged.
(pockets hammer and nails)
Sign: Stan's Previously Owned Coffins.
G: Of course it'll be the same Stan. Well I suppose I'd better
go see him, I'm sure the results will be hilarious. (rolls eyes
and enters the parlour muttering)
Scn 47- Stan, the same as before, yanks violently on G's arm
to pull him into the store. It is tackily morbid, with fluro
green wreaths and stylish cofins about the place. A big tempting
key hangs on a wall.
S: Welcome to Stan's! We handle the dead for a lot less bread!
Need a bin for your next of kin? Need a plot without spending
a lot? Just look at all this quality merchandise! Never before
touched by a living soul! Only dead ones- hee hee, that's my
little joke, I'm not the kind of guy who digs up coffins and
sells them. (clutches G's lapels, presses their faces together,
clenches teeth, widens eyes) REALLY. (normal) No siree, you
see most of it was only used for a few hours by a little old
lady who got prematurely buried each Sunday. Speak up! Do you
want a coffin or are you dead? Either way you've come to the
G: What happened to selling ships?
S: I decided to switch to a business where people didn't come
back and complain.
G: Speaking of which, that boat you sold me-
S: ARGH! IT'S YOU! I didn't know about the bodies! How could
I know about the bodies, there weren't any bodies! There were
bodies you say? Please don't get your transparent friend to
rough me up again-
G: Actually, the ship was fine.
S: IT WAS? (pause) Of course it was! What are you complaining
G: Well that just seems inconsistent with your character. It
should've blown up or sunk or something.
S: I thought it did sink.
G: Yeah but it wasn't your fault. That stunningly rendered sea
monster swallowed it.
S: But we digress. To get back to my pitch, we put the FUN in
G: Do you guys do birthdays?
S: Nope. Too dreary. But I can't figure out why business is
so slow when we offer so many other more festive services.
G: Anyway, I'm going to need this embalmed before it decays
G produces a manuscript labeled 'Monkey Island 2 Script'.
S: By the smell of things it's already too late. But your loved
ones deserve Stan's special preserve. You won't smell a whiff
when we're done with your stiff.
G: You morticians are sure good er, rhymicians.
S stares blankly at G.
G: Anyway, can I take one of these babies for a spin?
S: Sorry, health regulations prevent me from allowing uncertified
persons free access to used internment paraphanalia. But health
regulations, schmelth schmegulations. I just don't want you
mussin them thar coffins up.
G: Hey, I'm certified plenty! So certified I wasn't even supposed
to leave the hospital!
S: I'll demonstrate one for ya if you like. (opens a coffin,
there is a hacking wheezing sound from inside)
G: You'd better do something about that coughin'.
S: This must be where your jokes go to die. But check out that
baby over there.
G turns around, S pulls out a tape measure and checks his length.
S goes over to the coffin and opens it.
S: Now this is the cadillac of coffins. Look at all that leg
room! (gets in) This thing's bigger than my office! I'm as
claustrophobic as they come and this feels fine! There's room
for two in here!
G hops in.
S: (weakly) OK, so I took a little creative liscence... my
G hops out.
G: Nice beverage holder. How much is the coffin?
S: Here at Stan's we work on a sliding scale based on one's
ability to pay so as to make a decent funeral available to even
our most financially incapacitorially deprived customers.
G: So you'll take me for all I can.
S: Here, have a free hankie. It has our motto on it. 'When the
tears come, be prepared. Buy a coffin or drop dead.'
G takes the hankie.
G: Those rhymes are beginning to lose their charm. (closes coffin
S: Go right ahead, check out the lid operation, it's just as
roomy when closed.
G nails it shut with Woody's tools.
S: I hear you knocking, but you can't come in. This is too nice
to share. That's solid oak you're hearing! It's a wonder people
don't live in these things.
G: Ooh, pretty shiny.
G takes the big key.
S: (some creaking and thumping) Hey I think the lid's stuck.
OK, you can stop sitting on the lid, we've had our little joke.
Oh my god, I hope the cheap cra- I mean high quality fixer
holding the coffin together hasn't fused with the teflon gasket!
G rings the service bell.
S: With you in a minute! Wouldn't be that bad in here if I didn't
need to go to the bathroom! I suppose I could take a nap...
S: Let me out, I'M NOT DEAD! Well, that guy will have to come
back here... EVENTUALLY.
Scn 48- Dramatic shot of Scabb Island cemetary. G enters.
G: This key of Stan's should open these crypts, and the
priestess' book told me that Rapp Scallion was buried here along
with one of his map pieces. (mutters) How clunky can ya...
He unlocks a crypt and goes inside.
Scn 49- Shot of G forcing open a coffin. CU of lid shows it
to read 'RS'. Inside there is just a bunch of ashes. They cloud
up over G, clearing to reveal:
Scn 50- The priestess' lair.
G: You fellows can reanimate the dead can't you?
P: Not really. The whole vodu zombie thing is down to the mistake
of ignorant european explorers who saw us perform the rite in
which we strike a man through the head so he appears-
G: Stop! The audience will think we're being educational and
shut down! Do you stock Ash-2-Life here?
P: You want to bring the dead to life? That doesn't sound quite
proper. Hmmm. Well here you are. (gives G a tube) Remember,
just a dab'll do ya.
Scn 51- G sprinkles some of the Ash-2-Life on Rapp's ashes.
The ashes swell into human shape, then turn to bone, then muscle
then skin. Rapp now lies in the coffin, replete with chef's
outfit. He has green skin.
G: I think this is just concentrated moisturiser.
R: Whew! That was a close one! If I hadn't had my flame resistant
apron on, I could've been killed!
G: Well be more careful next time. Can't have people dying on
us. Say, where did you buy that apron?
R: Stan's Previously Used Kitchen Supply. Why do you ask?
G: I hope you kept the receipt... Uh, can I have your piece
of the Big Whoop map?
R: Over my dead body! I'll carry that secret to my grave!
G: You've got it with you? How handy.
G: Your life is well done. You're a few months past your
R: I'm... dead?
G: Stiff as a frozen foot long. Tough as year old hamburger
R: But I'm not ready to go!
G: You're as ready as you'll ever be.
R: My soul is not at peace! There is something I must do before
G: Perfect plumps when cooked wiener technology?
R: I dunno about you, but I never had trouble plumping my wiener.
I was talking about leaving the gas on.
G: You left the gas on before you died? Oh I bet that went down
great. I can see it now, you're lined up at the pearly gates,
all the formalities over and you say to your partner, 'Honey,
didn't we leave the gas on before we left?' and then dad says
'I've had it with the trips, nothing but disaster all the way'
and mom says 'Oh George, not in front of Guybrush' and dad
screams 'George? Wasn't my name Ron before? And Guybrush!
Everything's because of Guybrush! We're going to this park
because of Guybrush, I had to get another job because of
Guybrush, I had to give up drink because of Guybrush, we can't
have noisy sex anymore because of Guybrush...' and then he turns
around and roars 'Hear that Guybrush? It's because of you I
can't have sex!'
R: Forget the gas. It might give my soul more peace if I just
gave you the map so you leave me alone.
G: (bellowing) ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I'LL TAKE YOUR STUPID MAP!
JUST STOP PRESSURING ME WITH YOUR NEGATIVE VIBES! (snatches
it and storms out. R taps his head and pulls the coffin shut)
Scn 52- The foot of a large staircas, shrouded in darkness.
A head comes tumbling down the stairs, followed by a torso,
two legs, two arms and a lot of swearing. Largo comes by.
Largo: What are you doing?
Head (LeChuck): After attempting to get his dessicated old body
down the stairs, I decided it was quicker to dismantle myself
and roll down the stairs. Put me back together would you?
Largo: Why did you want to come downstairs?
L: (pause) I forgot.
Largo: Your legs fell off as you were passing the stairwell
L: (ashamed) Yes.
Largo: Maybe embalming fluid will help. I know a quality merchant
on Booty Island who... Oh now I remember what I came to tell
you! The inside source tailing Guybrush tells me that he now
has the second map piece.
L: What's the inside source doing with the second map piece?
Guybrush is supposed to get them! And who is this inside source
Largo: I can't tell you now, the audience is here.
L: They are? Why didn't you tell me? Look at the state of this
place! The curtains need dusting, the tables need polishing,
the snakes need feeding and me with me head off...
Scn 53- The Booty Island Mardi Gras. A crowd is gathered in
G: I need to see about getting that antique store piece... what's
going on here? (approaches crowd)
There are signs proclaiming a spitting contest. A bizarrely
dressed woman addresses her audience, next to some distance
Woman: OK, who's gonna be next? Come on you lot, give me the
spits! Step right up and test your swill! Even a child can do
it, better than most! Two, four, six, eight, come on let's
expectorate! Turn a disgusting habit into a prestige winning
past time! You already have the necessary equipment! Don't let
this grass wither up and die! Kill it quickly! Did I hear osmeone
swallow? Sacrilege! Don't be shy, let it fly! Volunteer, it's
on the tip of your tounge. You think spitting is gross? You
think chucking that stuff on the ground is gross? Well if it's
so gross, why hold it in your mouth? There's a scout here from
the pro spitting circuit you know...
G: Me! Me!
He steps forward and the crowd applauds.
G: Ah, how the world loves a spitting contest.
W: What's your name son?
G: I call me Captain Loogie.
W: (deafening) The loogster, the loogmeister, hocking the big
ones for fame and fortune, loooogorama! Spit away, Cap'n.
G puffs up his chest, makes ridiculous noises and then dribbles
down his shirt.
S: Misfire! Awooga, awooga! Man, I wish my Spits Illustrated
would arrive in the mail.
G: Hmmm... that scene where I talked to the guy who fires the
cannon when he hears the mailboat foghorn really should have
occured closer to this one where it did. Otherwise I wouldn't
need to recap like that. And life would be that much easier
for everyone. (blows horn)
W: My magazine is here!
She leaves and the crowd turns to gaze in her direction. In
speed-up, G picks up the distance markers and moves them closer
to the firing line. W returns. The crowd doesn't turn back for
the rest of the scene.
W: False alarm, as usual.
G: I'm gonna try again.
W: Captain Loogie in da house!
G snorts up into his nose until the top of his head starts to
bend in a little, then spits hard enough to clear the markers.
Applause from crowd.
Scn 54- Cut to CU of G's hands holding a 'First Place Spitting
Contest' plaque. He pulls it down to reveal he is in the antique
Storekeeper: I'm not interested.
G: It's worth a mint!
S hands G a mint. Some bricabrac falls off a shelf making a
clattering drumfill like noise. Top of the head of old
storekeeper from MI1 peers over the counter, winks at G then
ducks down again.
S: OK, I'll give you 6000 pieces of eight for it then if you
insist. (hands G the money, takes the plaque and tosses it over
his shoulder into a bin)
G: Wow! What will I do with this money?
S: Captain Kate's ship chartering fee is 6000 pieces of eight.
By the way. (pause) You having been instructed to charter a
ship so you could find me the figurehead of the sunken galleon,
G: Uh... Uh... Don't tell me... Uh... I should play banana
Scn 55- G is just being pushed into Kate Capsize by S who leaves
G: OH! I SEE! I've got 6000 pieces of eight.
K: So you'll be chartering my ship then?
G: (huge pause) Yup.
Scn 56- G+K are on K's tiny boat in the ocean.
K: Here's the spot where the Mad Monkey sank.
G: Did you order this ship out of the back of a comic book?
I've seen bigger ships in bottles.
K: Whoever writes your lines is almost as funny as your tailor.
G: It's so small the rats abandoning it are hunchbacked.
K: Will you get on with it?
G: Yeah I'd better, Timmy will be missing his bath toy.
K pushes him overboard.
Scn 57- G is sinking into the depths.
G: The galleon should be down here... good thing I can hold
my breath for ten minutes.
He reaches the seabed. The wreck of a galleon is here. There
is huge monkey head with bug eyes and a poking out tounge on
the prow. It's bigger than G.
G: Man alive! How am I going to pick that up? (hits himself
on the head) Of course! With my hands! (he lifts it up) Funny,
I thought these papier mache figureheads wouldn't last so well
Cut to shot so G's head is top of frame and his feet are bottom.
he starts walking left and cam pans with him.
G: But I can't swim back up there with this head! How am I going
He bangs his head on the bottom of Kate's ship. Cut back to
show that the water is suddenly only as deep as he is tall.
She leans over and pulls him aboard.
Scn 58- Hard cut to G slamming the monkey head onto the antique
store counter creating some visual comedy as it hides S' head
and we can see his body coming out if its neck.
S: This'll make the best mardi gras mask when I hollow it out!
Ordinarily I'd pay 6 million pieces of eight for such an item,
but I'm going to give you a scruffy piece of paper. (hands G
the map piece)
G: That's three map pices... hmm, better quit while I'm ahead,
going for the fourth might be pushing my luck.
Scn 59- G is saddling up a horse in front of a giant orange
sunset, the sun at ground level. Once mounted, he dons a stetson,
smiles back at cam, before turning away and riding off. A few
steps in, he hits the sun, as if it were not in the horizon
but right in front of him. He and his horse burst into flames.
Scn 60- As in 58.
G: The horse won't recover from that anytime soon... mays as
well find the last map piece while I wait.
Scn 61- LeChuck's hideout again. He and Largo are dancing to
'Sugar Sugar'. The phone rings as they bump butts. While
LeChuck's arms reach out of the shadows to gather his hips and
legs, Largo answers it.
Largo: Hello? Ma'am-
L: (urgent whisper) Sir when the camera's around Largo.
Largo: Sorry, sorry. Sir, it's the INSIDE CONTACT. He says that
Guybrush has the third map piece.
L: Hot diggety dog! That puts me in a Duran Druan mood!
Largo: Yes sir. (takes a records out of a sleeve)
Scn 62- G is by a cottae which is situated on a slope leading
down to a cliff overlooking the sea.
G: Yes I know that was a hollow needless scene but it was either
watch that or watch me journey from Booty Island to this remote
coastal hill on Phatt Island, where it's rumoured that Rum
Rodgers, first mate of the crew who discovered Big Whoop lives.
Let's see if he's in.
Handheld camera follows G up to the cottage door, as if they
were doing one of those candid camera surprise a member of the
public in their home things. G knocks. An old disheveled man
G: Mr Rodgers?
G steps in.
Scn 63- Normal shot of cottage interior. There are stacks of
empty rum crates everywhere, up to the ceiling. Tables and chairs
are made of crates.
R: What do you want? Are you selling those fine leather jackets?
G: This fine leather jacket was a gift from dear old gran and
is most certainly not for sale. I'm looking for a map.
R: I knew it. Another wouldbe treasure hunter. Look kid, I'm
not Rum Rogers, the only surviving member of the crew that
discovered Big Whoop.
G: Oh you are so, you big silly.
R: Looks like the jig is up. But I'm still not giving you my
map piece. Big Whoop is something that should remain lost.
G: Pretty please?
R: Look, tell you what. We'll have a drinking contest and if
you win, you can take my map piece.
G: And if I lose?
R: If you lose, you'll be passed out drunk so I can pretty much
do whatever I please.
G gives cam a worried look.
R: I'll get us set up. (exits left)
G: While he's gone, I'll look for the map.
While G rummages around, R's voice can be heard from the kitchen.
R: This is my special grog. It's just for contests. (every now
and then a sipping sound is heard and R's voice gets gradually
mushier) Twice the alcohol, twice the calories. I hate having
to waste it.
R comes back and places a mug of grog on the table, G keeps
rummaging, R doesn't react to it at all.
R: There's yours, I'll just go get mine, then we can begin.
(leaves) From what I'm told, noone can drink the special conest
grog without feeling faint.
G eyes the table crate.
He tips it over and looks inside. Nothing. But the mug of grog
falls onto the floor.
G: it's so strong it'seating through the floorboards!
He dives onto the mug and hits the rickety floor so hard that
the aged wood starts to crack radially all round the room.
R: But I've been practicing. You know, most treasure hunters
just leave when I ask them too.
A piece of the floor falls away underneath one of the ceiling
touching crate stacks. It begins to tip over. G runs over and
props it up.
R: But you. You're persisant. It'll get you places in life my
G leans against it too hard and it starts to fall the other
way. It bangs into the adjacent stack and they all start to
shake G uses the one he's leaning against to shove the other
ones against the nearest wall and supports them by leaning them
R: But it won't get you into my house. Noone gets into my house.
Not even me. That's why I live in this here garden shed.
Bits of debgris start falling from the ceiling. G looks up.
G: (calmly) Ahhh. So that stack was supporting the ceiling here.
The portion of the ceiling directly above him falls down,
knocking him through the floor.
R: Excuse the boxes, I haven't had time to put them away.
Especially with all the people bothering me about the map.
G emerges from the hole holding a wedge.
G: What the heck is this doing down there?
He looks through the window to see the scenery moving by.
R: I used to drink a lot of grog when I was younger. I drink
even more now.
G: Oh man, this was what was keeping the house on the slope!
He hops back down the hole and panicking, desperately trys to
force the wedge back under the hole.
R: I wish I'd never bought this place. it's only caused me
G tries too hard and with a mighty shove, completely pries the
flimsy ancient wall right off the side of the house. It continues
sliding down toward the cliff edge.
R: All these treasure hunters bugging me.
G is hanging onto the edge of the floor, trying to pull himself
back into the house without getting his lower half crushed
underneath it as it slides forward. The house snags onto a 4
ft tall rock just as G succeeds. The floor is torn out from
underneath the house. G is now sprinting down the hill, remaining
inside the house while trying to avoid the pursuing opposite
R: Grog was good when I was young. Makes the lips pucker. works
well on the girls.
The slope becomes steeper and crates start raining down on G.
R: But grog doesn't come in convenient crates like rum does.
I still have a few grog barrels around here somewhere though
A few barrels bounce down into G. The house shoots over the
cliff and it takes to the sky in a gnetle parabola. It begins
spinning topsy-turvy with G gripping to the front door handle
like death to prevent being tossed out. The house lands in the
ocean right way up and slowly starts to sink. R wades in from
the door G is clinging too. He holds a second mug.
R: Sorry about the wait, had to pop down to the shops to get
R goes to the floating table crate and puts his mug on it.
R: (as the table sinks) Ooh, coasters! Don't want to get the
table wet and damaged the wood now do we? (hands G a ragged
paper coaster) Gosh it's getting damp and chilly in here. I'll
go start a fire.
Having to paddle to stay afloat now, R tries to light a fire
in the submerged fireplace while G examines his coaster.
G: The senile codger's handed me the last map piece! (swims
away, unnoticed by R)
R: (looks at missing wall) Hmm, when did I hang that picture
up? And since when was the tide so strong in here? Hey that
guys chickened out! (as his head goes beneath the water) Well,
that just means all the more drink for me!
Scn 64- L's hideout. Largo sits across from L's silhouete.
Incredibly stern and serious atmosphere.
L: So... Mr Threepwood has the fourth map piece?
Largo: Indeedily doodily. (L's hand slaps him)
L: But tell me, who was this inside contact of yours?
Largo: (big pause) I honestly don't remember.
L: Oh well, it is of little import now. For now Guybrush has
the map and will take it to the Scabb Island cartographer to
be identified. Little does he know that we have already kidnapped
this cartographer and that he is in my dungeon right now...
and then Guybrush will learn the sickening irony when he comes
here to rescue the cartographer, for Big Whoop is already in
my possession. (offers a plate) Have a biscuit. (Largo takes
one) And not only that, but the location of Big Whoop and of
my stronghold is the same island... and it is no other island
than... MONKEY ISLAND!
Largo: I know that, no need to shout! Who are you, the narrator?
L: That's your third Double Oreo, greedy! Have a different kind
of biscuit, don't eat all the good ones!
Scn 65- G dashes into Wally's store. It is deserted. He sees
a note on the desk. He reads it.
G: Note to self. Just a note now that you broke your monocle
and can't see properly that this is your desk. Oh and dont bother
trying to read this because without your monocle you can't.
And in case you forget, don't write this note because you have
a 6:30 kidnapping with LeChuck tomorrow so you won't be doing
any work. Don't worry if you forget about the kidnapping, they'll
send someone over.
Scn 66- He leaves Wally's shop to see the guard from Phatt Island
posting a Guybrush Wanted poster on the post office wall and
then leaving. G inspects the poster.
G: Wanted, Guybrush Threepwood, alias Squinky. For the semimurder
of LeChuck, the thievery of medically supplied supplements,
graverobing, trespassing, larceny without a permit, disturbing
the peace, disturbing in general, indecent assault, decent
assault, half-decent assault, premature entombment of non-dead
individuals, impersonating a federal mail boat, unauthorisedly
exiting from a penal institution, reanminating dead persons
within city limits... he is warm and friendly. I wonder why
they always put these things on the walls of post offices. Maybe
they figure that those psycho mailmen move in the same circles
as- hey what's that on the label of this outgoing crate from
the House of Mojo? (reads label) To LeChuck's Island Getaway
and Spa. Contains misc voodoo supplies, one stowaway sized empty
gap. (gets into crate) OH MY GOD THERE'S A PUTRID DECAYING BODY
IN HERE! Not a lot I can do about it until my next bath though.
Scn 67- Shot of G inside the crate. He is bumped around a bit.
Pause. Mumbled speaking is heard.
G: I can hear voices! (clutches head) Shut up all of you! I'm
trying to listen to what the guys outside the crate are saying!
Scn 68- The foyer to LeChuck's fortress. Two postal workers
are delivering the crate to Largo. Largo and the crate are inside
the entrance while the workers are standing on the drawbridge.
Worker: Are you going to give us a tip?
Largo: Is it OK if I over-tip you?
L pulls a lever and the drawbridge flips over, tossing the men
into the moat.
L: Whoops, I meant tip you over. I'd better tell LeChuck his
stuff is here. (leaves)
G: (from inside the crate, the lid is lifted slightly before
he speaks) Now that everyone's gone, I have the opportunity
to poke my eye out... (an unpleasant squish sound) ARRGH! what
a stupid thing to do, now I only have half my vision! Better
put my eye back in... (gets out and sneaks off)
Scn 69- LeChuck's throne room. G enters nervously from one end
and attempts to quietly sneak across.
L: (blatantly sitting in his throne) Do ye think I'm blind or
G: I was hoping you were an incredibly lifelike animatronic
LeChuck, now in zombie form looks like he did in MI1 except
solid, decrepid and green. CU of G's hand reaching for his belt
while he faintly babbles about the weather in Spain.
G: (voiceover) Now if I can just distract him while I reach
for my pirate utility belt...
Normal shot. G suddenly holds up a capsule in each hand.
G: (Shredder voice) Sayonara, turtles!
G throws the capsules at the ground and they explode into thick
bursts of smoke. We hear much choking and gagging. When it clears
L is just as he was and G is on his knees gasping.
L: We dead people aren't renowned for our breathing.
G falls unconscious.
L: Oh Largo... (pause. Noone comes) Largo! Mark? Anyone? (big
pause. L sings) Where have all my henchmen gone, long time
Largot+Mark stampede on.
L: Take him to the torture room and-
Mark: Wait, I don't have my hearing aid on. (preses the side
of his voodoo mask with a click)
L: Take him to the torture room and-
There is a high pitched whining from M.
M: ARGH! (yanks his aid out) Too sensitive!
Largo: Let me take a look at it. (he and M fuss over it)
L: Take him to the torture room and-
Largo: Can't you see we're busy here?
L sighs and starts to drag G away himself. We hear a clink of
a small metal object hitting the floor.
Largo: Nobody move! That tiny crunchable piece fell out! Hold
it right there LeCh-
L clubs Largo with G, and drags G away.
Scn 70- G awakes to find himself hanging alongside Wally above
a pool of acid.
L: Arr, ye be in trouble this time Threepwood. I couldn't decide
which of me many magical implements to dispose of you with.
My wand of a whole heapin' helpin' o' death, the staff of much
fireball chuckation... but I decided to stick to the classics,
the ol' hero suspended over dangerous substance replete with
ridiculous device to lower him in there.
G: All I did was share my rootbeer with you...
L: (pointing at stuff all off-screen) See that candle? When
it burns through that rope, the bag of sand will fall onto the
bellows which will spit a bullet out, the bullet then ricocheting
of this precisely angled pan, then off this shield, striking
the helium balloon. When it pops, the lever fals, causing this
little green light to go on. When the light goes on, Mark up
there will slash your rope with his sword.
Cam cranks up to show M standing on a ledge where G+W's rope
ties to the ceiling. M waves. Cam cranes back down.
L: Any questions?
G: Where's the bathroom?
L: (points) Down that hall, third on the right.
G: What WAS the secret of Monkey Island?
L: That's easy. My underground base.
G: But you went to Monkey Island to find the secret, so it can't
be your base because that wasn't there before you got to Monkey
Island and built it. And how come you're a zombie anyway? Why
didn't you just drown when your ship sank in that storm?
L: Errrr... well... I could explain that to ye... but this
movie's longwinded enough as it is, it'll keep till the third
W: Is it really necessary for me to be here? I'm just getting
chafed. Why don't I go to the canteen and the camera man just
go to a closer shot that only has LeChuck and Guybrush in it?
L: I was just leaving anyway. (goes)
G: Hey Wally. (pause) I love you man. (pause) Could you scratch
There is some noises according to how L described the machine
and a green light goes on in the top right corner of the screen.
G: Yo Mark, let's have some hustle up there!
M: (off) What? Oh yeah, sorry.
The rope is cut and G+W fall into the acid. They disintegrate
and scream horribly.
W: (hideous wailing) What spot did you want scratched?
They both die.
Scn 71- As in Scn 1.
E: So that's it then?
G: Yep. He forced himself onto you and you bore him the first
in a line of mentally unstable tyrants who would rule the
E: That story doesn't really explain how you got here.
G: No... it doesn't does it? I must've told the wrong story,
sorry about that.
E: If you died in the acid how come you're able to tell eme
about it? Aren't you dead?
G: I am? Oh, wait now I remember! I escaped! Sorry, I get these
details confused sometimes. Actually I managed to swing the
rope so that it hit Mark's sword and cut it, but the momentum
caused myself to fling out of the tower window and onto the
beach below. Wally unfortunately hit the wall but was saved
from an acidy death. And he's not all I saved, as hundreds of
movie budget dollars were spared when I simply narrated this
event instead of filming it. Wandering around the island I now
find myself on, I recognised it as none other than Monkey Island
and also realised, by looking at the Big Whoop map pieces and
checking the shape of the coast, that Monkey Island was the
one depicted in the map, meaning Big Whoop was on Monkey Island
E: OK that's enough cheapskatery. You may as well use those
scenebuilder guys the union makes us have on set wether we need
them or not.
Scn 72- G stands on the familiar beaches of Monkey Island. Herman
Toothrot, apparently asleep, lies in the shade by the trees.
G walks up to H and kicks him.
G: Hello Herman.
H: Ah, I've been waiting for you.
G: You have?
H: Our meeting comes at the final moment of our existence so
far. All that has taken place in my life up till now has been
mere preperation for this now.
G: You mean everything we've ever done is but a prelude to this
H: But the moment already passes and now our meeting is nothing
more than another note in the grand overture to the next
G: That's swell! I'm looking for treasure.
H: There are many treasures here, found and unfound. The beauty
of the ocean. The treasures of the future, waiting in the seeds
of mangoes, and the treasures of the past seen in the rings
of trees. And may not riches be found in the words of one who
has explored the vast-
G: That'll do.
H: Not to mention the treasure of patience.
G: Why are you talking so differently from how you used to?
H: Well ever since a friend of mine TOOK MY SHIP AND ABANDONED
me here, I've had a lot of time to reflect on my thoughts. I
now teach philosophy.
G: On the beach?
H: It beats trekking up to a Tibetan mountain top. And if things
get too heavy we can have a surf break. I've nonly had three
students and they graduated and left already. but one day I
hope to have a thriving band of hermit philosophers here. We'll
be known as Herman's Hermits.
G: Something tells me you're onto something good.
H: I'll have to beat students off with a stick! (pause) Camn
I beat you off with a stick?
H: How about I just beat you with the stick? Ok, no stick-
G: I have to go stand over here now...
H: And a good thing too, you're no philosopher! I bet you can't
even answer a simple Zen koan.
G: Go ahead. I know my Cohens.
H: If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear
it (slaps hand over top of face) what colour are my eyes?
G: Summergrove Mint.
H: Wha- How'd you- No they aren't. (H keeps hand over eyes for
rest of film)
G: Yes they are!
H: No they aren't. Now leave me, I have a lot of sulking to
G goes into the jungle.
Scn 73- G discovers a colossal X in a clearing.
G: That's the second biggest X I've ever seen! This has gotta
be Big Whoop's resting place! I just hope it's resting right
now so I don't have to look for its place of business or
H sidles up out of nowhere.
H: Oh you mean this treasure! f you want some help uncovering
it, I've some dynamite back at the abandoned fort I live in,
G: Is it real heavy duty stuff?
H: 'Adult supervision required'.
G: Whoa! Go get it!
H comes off and returns with a box of TNT.
G: What are you doing with this stuff anyway?
H: The fort I live in is a leftover from when they tried to
colonise this place but got fought off by the cannibals. They
left a bunch of weaponry behind.
G: How are the cannibals?
H: I wouldn't know.
G: You guys aren't fighting again already are you?
H: No, they've left the island. There's a big construction
project going on over there and they've decided to take the
big fat compensation cheque and move on.
G: Construction project? What's being built and who's building
H: Dunno who the backer is, but it looks to be some sort of
G: Don't you mean amusement?
H: No, there's something sinister about this one.
G: There's something sinister about most theme parks. I swear
that last time I rode the Matterhorn the abominable snowman
was whispering 'Help me'. I'll worry about this construction
later though. I need something to light the dynamite with.
H: Got it covered. Here's a flamethrower that was also up in
the fort. (hands it to G) Don't like blow yourself up and leave
all the treasure to me or anything.(runs into the distance)
G tosses the TNT onto the middle of the X and toasts it up close.
Scn 74- Elaine is lying on her bed reading 'Vague'. Suddenly
there is a huge explosion and a mushroom cloud through her
E: Oh my god! Some island's just had some sort of explosion
disaster! I'd better go offer them financial aid and screw them
by more than making it back via cheap manual labour, while also
instilling in the natives a sense that Booty Island is the land
of hope and opportunity, so they'll buy all our music and dress
like us! (dashes off)
Scn 75- As in 1.
G: So I fell down the hole the explosion caused and found myself
standing on a thin concrete shelf with a treasure chest on it,
the one I'm still holding, which I presume to be Big Whoop.
When I picked it up, the shelf gave way and I grabbed onto this
length of wire portruding from this metal support.
E: Good thing I told you to use those union set builders. Proper
ones wouldn't have laced a supposedly authentic caribbean island
with metal supports.
G: I hung here for about three days. Then you showed up. Then
I told you the whole story about how I got into this mess. Then
the rope broke and- (the rope breaks, G plummets offscreen)
There is a long silence and then a heavy thud. E whistles
nonchalantly and starts to climb out.
Scn 76- Pitch black. We can hear G thumping about.
G: Where's the treasure chest?... oh no, it smashed! I hope
I didn't break Big Whoop! No wait, there's a piece of paper
in the splinters. A magic spell? A map to an even greater
treasure? A coupon for free fries at McDonalds that you don't
need to spend $& to use? Maybe it is toilet paper, which is
extremely valuable for oceanlocked pirates. You'd think it would
be luxuriant soft paper though, not crnly and rough like this.
Mind you it's been so long since I had toilet paper, something
close to sandpaper is probably what I need.
L: Let me see. Does it have those little pink embossed seashells
The light goes on to reveal L standing by a light switch. They
are in a dank dim corridor with pipes about. G clutches a scrap
of paper, which he shoves down the front of his pants. He
L: Screaming like a baby at the mere sight of me and I haven't
even hurt you yet!
G: (clutching his groin) Nothing to do with you. Got a paper
cut in a sensitive place. (suddenly leaps and roars) We're making
swords out of the wrong stuff, this hurts worse than a cutlass
L: That was a cutlass swipe. (removes hand from the fold of
his coat to reveal a sword and a minature G doll, as he was
G: Aha, that won't work! That's a Monkey Island 1 series action
figure you've used for your voodoo doll! I'm from a different
L: You're still the same character.
G: I don't even have a character. I'm just a crazy mishmash
of comic actions with no persona at all in which to frame them.
L: Good one, now those smarmy critics won't have the thrill
of pointing that out. But nevertheless, this voodoo doll works,
even if the logic leading to that conclusion doesn't.
G: But if the logic leading to that doesn't work, then the voodoo
doll doesn't work!
L: I said the logic doesn't work.
G: But that's illogical!
L: I KNOW IT'S ILLOGICAL! THE LOGIC DOESN'T WORK! I- say, you're
just stalling me aren't you! If you really had a problem with
the illogical, there's no way you would've ever signed on for
this film. Well, no more padding! (pulls a ball of socks from
his pants crotch)
G: (getting on his knees) Oh please don't throw that ball of
socks at me! After where it's been I'm sure it counts as the
sort of weapon that the Geneva-
L: (tosses socks away) Stop your whining! What a ridiculous
idiot you are! Any sensible hero would've asked what I was doing
down here in this passage! (big pause) Alright then, have it
your way! Time to show you the unspeakable torment I can wreak
with this doll! (fiddles with it, G's arm starts flopping about)
G: Hey, this is kind of funny!
L: No wait, I accidentally activated the doll's root beer
throwing action by pressing the button on its back. This is
what I meant to do... (raises the doll up high and chants. A
dervish envelops G and he winks out of existence. There is
silence for a second, then some thumping offscreen. L turns
to see G in a heap further down the corridor.
L: What? It was supposed to send you into a dimension of eternal
pain, not down the hall! Some ticket to oblivion this is! (goes
over to G)
G: Can I have one request before I die?
L: As long as it's not for me to go away and not kill you.
G: That wouldn't be a request before I died would it? I was
talking about you using this. (hands L Stan's hanky) As your
nose has sort of rotted away, there's mucus and things pouring
onto your beard, it's really rather unseemly.
L takes the hanky, has a good blow and hands it back to G, then
does the teleport thing with the doll again.
Scn 77- Elsewhere in the tunnels. G is in a room filled with
various junk. Items of interest include the grog machine from
MI1's finale, a couch with two skeletons and a doctor's
examination table, all set up with syringe.
G: Look at all this memoribilia from my life! This must be some
sort of HQ LeChuck set up under Big Whoop to trap me in when
I came to get it! The guy's obsessed with me! Maybe this is
how he got the ingrediants for the voodoo doll, through
forensics... Forensics? That pirate setting sort of tends to
evaporate on you every now and then doesn't it Mr Writer? (cam
changes, all very pompous) If I am to face LeChuck, I must face
my greatest fears, one of which is medical examinations. The
foul fiend must have learned of this and built this medical
centre so that he might torture me. But I shall overcome my
fears by picking up this frightfully large evil looking syringe.
Ridiculous arthouse style montage of CUs of G's eyes, lips,
fingers with crazy music and flash frames of whatever you like.
Parallells drawn through editing of G's hand reaching for the
syringe and Macbeth reaching for the dagger, an Iranian child
reaching for a rifle, a toddler leaning out of its cot to grab
a doll, an obese man straining to try to pick up the TV remote
without getting off the couch etc. All is ruined by the
voiceover, which runs:
G: (enraptured) Oh do you see? Do you see the symbolism! Do
you see it? (pause) I don't either. Screw it.
Normal shot. He picks the syringe up, then looks in a box on
G: That little baby! He has a complete set of Monkey Island
action figures! They're all Monkey Island 1 versions though,
they're like so last movie. We've got Todd McFarlane doing the
ones for the second movie, which means it'll be a few more years
before we can get them past the toy censors. Actually, seeing
as they're there, I'll take a LeChuck for my nephew. I already
gave him a few boxes of me. And I'll take an Elaine, er for
my niece. it's not like I'd want it, she doesn't even have
anything under her clothes... at least that's what it said on
Scn 78- Elaine sitting on her bed. She looks down her front.
E: (shrieks) He's right! There's nothing there! Damn this stupid
anti-bimbo-babe-Barbie and pro-flatchested dolls political
Scn 79- As in 77. G notices the skeletons.
G: Oh my god! I'd recognise those skeletons anywhere! My parents!
LeChuck must've dug them up to get the dead ingrediant for my
G sits down between them, nudging Dad as he does.
G: This is hopeless, how am I going to- (Dad's skull falls off
into his lap. It seems to be smiling at him) Of course!
He whips out the juju bag the priestess gave him.
G: I'll put the LeChuck doll in here for the base. (does so)
This hankerchief has plenty of snot and beard hairs on it,
that'll cover wet and head. (chucks the hankie in) And as
LeChuck's my brother, dad's skull will work for the dead...
(looks at camera) Yeah, I know what you're thinking. 'LeChuck's
Guybrush's brother?' Well yes and no cos the guy who wrote the
first two games these movies are based on envisaged LeChuck
and Guybrush as being brothers, but the subsequent authors
who took over the series decided to treat that as a joke and
make it so that they weren't brothers. So come Monkey Island
3 he's not my brother, but he still is for Monkey Island 2,
so my dad's skull will work as the voodoo doll ingrediant of
a dead relative. Got it? Tough. (puts the skull in) Now all
I need is something of the thread... (makes to leave, sees the
grog machine and pauses) Say, I wonder-
He pushes the coin return on the grog machine and a coin rolls
G: Woohoo! Jackpot!
L's voice: What's that noise?
G cowers in the corner as L stalks up to him. As L passes over
the coin he stops and looks down.
L: Hey! A Susan B Anthony! What a find!
As he bends over, G can see that L is wearing 'plumber's pants'.
G steels himself and gives L a mighty wedgie, breaking the straps
off his underpants. L is not amused. Dervish routine.
Scn 80- Another hall, this time with a steel double door with
a plaque reading 'Service Elevator'. There is a drain with a
puddle of water beneath it. G shoves the underpants into the
juju bag. He shakes it above his head for a bit and it explodes,
revealing a LeChuck voodoo doll. L stomps on. G stabs the L
doll with his hyperdermic needle. L goes stiff and drops the
G: Hah! Beat you at your own game! Guess you won't be needing
your little toy anymore...
G kicks the G doll away and sends himself careening across the
room into the wall. He almost drowns as he rescues the doll
from lying face down in the puddle.
G: Imagine that- drowning without getting wet. (puts G doll
safely in pocket and goes back to L) Feeling sleepy LeChuck?
I just fed you a mammoth dose of some type of sedative, namely...
(reads label on syringe) pure adrenalin?
L reaches out and lifts G up in the air by his nose.
L: Farewell Threepwood. You were a more worthy opponent than
you had any right to be. Now gimme that doll.
L clutches onto the L doll G still has in his grasp.
L: Give it here!
CU of the hands of L+G pulling the doll back and forth. Suddenly
there is a terrible ripping sound and the doll tears into half
and all its stuffings fall out. ECU of L's face.
L: Uh oh.
Normal shot as L falls into a pile of pieces on the ground.
His head remains intact.
L: (slowly and painfully) Guybrush, come here.
G: No way, you'll bite my toes off.
L: Take my mask off...
G: Limbs or no limbs, I trust you as far as I can throw Governor
L: i beg you, take it off.. see the true face of your brother...
G: My brother? You're not my brother! That's impossible!
L: Search your soul, you know it to be true. (dies)
G cautiously pulls L's mask off. The face of a 9 year old boy
G: It's my creepy older brother Charles! But why hasn't he aged?
And why don't I ever remember having him until now? And- Hey!
Big Whoop! The piece of paper I found inside the chest! I'd
He pulls out a little scrap of paper and stares at it with
tremendous anticipation. His excitement quickly fades and he
frowns in puzzlement. He turns it over a few times.
G: WELL WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
The lift behind Guybrush opens. A man in a comical dog suit
steps out. He wears a blue baseball cap.
Dinghy Dog: Hey you kids, you're not allowed down here!
Charles' eyes flick open and he steps out of LeChuck's torso
as though it were a suit he was wearing. G is ushered into the
lift, totally bewildered, and Big Whoop drops unnoticed to the
floor. As the lift ascends, the camera zooms in on it and we
see an ordinary ticket labeled 'Admit One'.
Scn 81- A carnival. A large ferris wheel rotates in the
background. Two adults emerge from a door labeled 'Staff Only'
with Charles and G, dressed the same, but now only 7. They aren't
the parents from the dream.
Mom: Honestly Guybrush, if that nice Dinghy Dog man hadn't found
you, who knows how long you two would've spent wandering around
Dad: Guybrush, are you listening to your mother?
G: You're not my parents! You look different!
D: I should've known sending Chuck to hunt him down was a bad
idea. Why do all our outings end up like this?
M: Don't grouch, we've got them both back now.
G: What's going on? Why is my voice so high? Who are you people?
OH MY GOD I'M SHORT!
M: Just the same boring family you've always had dear.
D: How much caffeine loaded soda did you give him exactly dear?
G: Where are we?
D: Well, we're certainly not at the Steaming Weenie Hut where
I told you to meet us. You didn't cause any trouble while you
were missing did you?
C: No sir!
G: I stole heaps of stuff and caused a huge explosion!
M: No you didn't Bushy. Stop being silly. It was probably just
a dream you had.
G: This is so wierd! What happened back there?
D: Come on kids, we've got a lot more to see before we do the
park's finale, the Monkey Mountain roller coaster! Now who wants
to ride the Madly Rotaing Buccaneer?
C: Hooray! Let's go!
C+M+D all troop off while G attempts to go the other way. M
grabs his arm and drags him away as he yells in protest.
G: But I'm a mighty pirate! A mighty pirate I tell you! Help!
The cam drifts off into the sky and we see a transparent vision
of LeChuck gazing sinisterly down. He chuckles.
Caption: To be continued...
Scn 82- Two cinema goers sit in a movie theatre.
Person: Gosh, that was a bit of a serious note to close on wasn't
it? Shouldn't these kinds of movies finish with a joke? It
stopped being funny!
Person2: It started being funny?
Person: That's more like it.