|The Secret of Monkey Island|
Script for a movie based on the game.
By: Matthew Kelly
Added: Friday, January 12, 2001
The Secret Of Monkey Island
By Matthew Kelly
Based on material by Ron Gilbert
Scn 1- Shot of a group of cliched pirates posing on a deck
and singing a shanty.
Group: Now here be a tale,
A rousing tale-
Captain comes on.
Captain: An arousing tale? There won't be any of that on my
ship! The way you lot talk, you'd think you were sailors!
Group: Now here be a tale,
A stirring tale-
Shot of a monkey sitting next to a cup of coffee. It's tail
is stirring it.
Captain: (vo) Bugger off. Just bugger off.
Scn 2- Shot of Melee Island.
Caption: Deep in the Caribbean
The camera spins around the island during the opening credits,
at the end of which, the cam drifts down to the village where
we see several inhabitants reeling dizzily and bonking into
trees as though the island had been rotating rather than the
camera. Cam drifts up a mountain path to reveal an old man
sitting by a fire staring out to sea.
Caption: Part One
The Three Trials
After a pause, a 19 year old boy stands up from behind a rock
and approaches the man.
Man: Ah! Don't sneak up on me like that!
G: Er, I came from in front of you.
Man (quite blind) turns away.
G: I'm selling these fine leather jackets.
Man: It will be a long and dangerous journey. First ye must
pass the three trials.
G: (looks puzzled) What?
Man: I'm sorry, did you say something about selling jackets?
Man: Oh. Don't you want to be a pirate?
G: No. I want to be a flooring inspector.
Man: Well you've come to the right place. (doubletakes) Hey,
stop fooling around! If you weren't here to undergo the quests
of pirateship there wouldn't be a Hollywood film crew taping
you! Who wants to see a guy selling leather jackets?
G: Hmm, sounds like an Italian film. 'The Jacket Seller'.
Man: Do I sound like I'm speaking Italian to you?
G: We could've been dubbed over. Watch my mouth carefully.
There is a coughing off screen.
Voice: Ahem, exposition. Exposition.
G: Oh shut up.
Scn 3- A mighty electronic dragon is seen battling Guybrush
atop a spiralling tower. He attacks it with a laser cannon sword
and thunder strikes all around.
Scn 4- As in 2.
G: Now, you know how long it would take to get to that scene
in a movie that bothered with exposition? Hollywood was evolving
out of that anyway! This movie is a step forward!
Voice: Ahem, budget. Budget.
Man: Hollywood would like to evolve out of those too. And after
that last scene this movie no longer has one. So I suppose that's
another step forward.
G: (looks around the set) Hmm, notice how close to a cliff we
Man: Anyway, you wanted to be a pirate.
G: Oh yeah.
Man: Well, if I were you, I'd go down to the Scumm Bar and talk
to the pirate leaders there.
G: Cool, I'll do that.
Man: That was too dry.
G: Well it was (waggles fingers) 'plot'.
Scn 5- G suddenly sits at a table in the Scumm Bar with Mancomb,
a man in full pirate regalia bar a popeye type hat.
G: See in a lesser movie you would've seen me walk into the
bar, but we know our audience is smart and they don't need to
M: Too much ontological humour too soon if you ask me. So anyway,
you're new in town?
G: I'm Guybrush Threepwood.
M: Hah! That's the stupidest name I've ever heard! (shakes hands)
I'm Mancomb Seepgood.
G notes a poster on the wall.
Poster: Re-elect Governor Marley. When there's only one
candidate, there's only one choice.
G: Where can I find the governor?
M: Governor Marley? Her mansion is on the other side of town.
What do you want her for?
G: Her? Oh I dunno. Couldn't tell you why I asked.
M: Hmm. Anyway, we aren't as welcome around her mansion as we
used to be.
G: I'm welcome everywhere I go.
M: Whatever you say pal. You won't have much luck getting hired
onto a pirate crew right now though so if you're looking to
G: Why wouldn't anyone hire me?
M: A) too obvious to warrant saying and B) LeChuck.
M: He's a guy who went to visit Governor Marley and never wanted
to leave. She told him to drop dead. He did.
G: How'd he die?
M: He tried to impress her by sailing off to find the Secret
Of Monkey island. But it had bombed so badly at the box office
not a single video store had bothered stocking it.
G: Just tell the story alright?
M: A storm came up and sank the boat just off Monkey island's
coast. There were no survivors.
G: Well I can see why Marley doesn't want visitors if LeChuck's
visits caused all those deaths. But how does this stop other
pirates from hiring crews?
M: That wasn't the end of LeChuck. He still sails the waters
between here and Monkey Island, an unholy terror on the seas.
That's why we're in here and not out pirating.
G: If you really want to pirate, why not just hook this place
up with a modem and- say, what is the secret of Monkey Island?
Don't say a bad movie.
M: Noone knows. That's why it's a secret. Now go talk to those
pirate leaders over there so you can learn how to be a pirate.
If I have another line I qualify as a character role rather
than a bit part and get double the fee.
G dashes over to another table where there sit three important
G: I'm assuming that's the same reason there's three of you
rather than one, to split the wage weighting of the role.
Blue: What be ye wantin' boy?
G: (leaps onto the table) I mean to kill you all! Sorry, slip
of the tounge. I want to be a pirate. (he remains on the table)
Black: You want to be a WHAT?
Green: He wants to be a pirate.
Black: I thought he said fireman.
Blue: Don't bother us, we're drinking.
Black: Hey don't forget we're low on help due to this LeChuck
thing. No help means no swag and no swag means no grog.
All Three: GROG! GROG! GROG!
Blue: Do you have any special skills?
G: I can hold my breath for ten minutes!
Blue: All right, but you don't become a pirate just by asking.
Green: I did.
Black: You caught us drunk.
Blue: This feller will have to pass-
All Three: THE THREE TRIALS!
Blue: You must master the sword-
Green: And the art of thievery-
Black: And the quest.
G: What quest is that?
Green: You have to hunt some treasure.
Black: Right, you must prove yourself in the areas of sowrdplay,
thievery and er, treasure huntery then return with proof that
you've done it.
Blue: And then ye must drink some grog!
All Three: GROG! GROG! GROG!
G: Any specific trasure I have to hunt?
Blue: Ye must find the legendary repeatedly lost treasure of
Melee Island and bring one of it back here.
G: One of it?
Black: You'll see...
G: Are these going to be like those wierd hazing rituals?
Green: And don't forget to get a map to it!
G: Well what do I need to steal?
Green: We want you to procure the Idol of Many Hands from the
G: OK, I can always rewind and check if I forget.
Blue: But what if this doesn't go straight to video?
Black: Leonard Maltin will become a monk.
G: And what do I need to do to master the sword?
Blue: Well, get a sword, get some training, find the sword Master
and beat her.
Black: I notice you said that when you learnt the governor was
female too. Do you have a problem with feminine authority
G: I'm just not used to them. I was raised under Thatcher.
Green: (shrieks) AMERICAN AUDIENCE! IGNORANT AMERICAN AUDIENCE!
G: Oh sod off. You're a bunch of foul smelling grog swilling
Blue: Ay and to be a pirate you must also be a foul smelling
grog swilling pig.
G: What is that grog stuff anyway?
Green: Battery acid and meths.
Blue: Now leave us alone to drink it and do not return until
ye have completed your tasks!
G turns and strides off the table, falling nastily. His hand
weakly emerges from the bottom of the screen holding a card
reading 'Meanwhile'. The three pirates hoarsely yell the first
few notes of LeChuck's theme tune.
Scn 6- Shot of a transparent ghostly ship docked in a sulphorous
cavern on a lava river.
Voice: Meanwhile, deep beneath Monkey Island, the ghost pirate
LeChuck's ship is anchored on a river of lava. And not as it
may have appeared to the uninformed layman, a river of flowing
Scn 7- In LeChuck's cabin. LeChuck, very Dustin Hoffman from
Hook stands looking out a window. He is blue and transparent.
A skeleton first mate enters.
LeChuck: Oo-ar! There's nothing like the hot winds of hell
blowing in your face, oo-ar.
Mate: No sir, nothing like it sir-
L: It's days like this that make you glad to be dead. Ye are
glad to be dead, RIGHT?
Mate: Oh yes sir, I'm so lucky that your mad scheme got the
ship sunk and then got us all reincarnated as enternally damned
undead... lucky indeed sir.
L: Good to hear it. Now what did ye want?
Mate: Well there's a possible problem on Melee Island.
L: Problem? What possible problem could there be? I've got those
pirates so afraid of the sea, they're too scared to bath! Not
that they would anyway.
Mate: Well there's a pirate wanna be arrived. Young.
Inexperienced. Probably nothing to worry about. Probably no
need to bother you with it. I'll have him taken care of myself.
L: Wait! My plans are too important to be messed up by amatuers!
I'll handle this personally. Now come along. My feet need
Scn 8- G is wandering curiously around the Melee village streets.
It's about 10 in the evening and there's a few people around.
He comes onto a street on the corner of which stands a man in
a trenchcoat and dark glasses. Across the street from him stand
three men of low moral fibre. One of them is rocking on a keg,
one is fat and the other is tall. They are playing with a rat.
The trenchcoated man surreptitiously speaks to G.
Man: Do you have a cousin named Sven?
G: I once had a barber named Dominique. Close enough?
Man: Yeah OK. (He opens his trenchcoat. It's filled with papers)
Want to buy a map to the treasure of Melee?
G: Oh! Oh!
Man: Rare, only one in existance. 100 pieces of eight.
G: Oh. Oh.
G slumps away dejectedly. On sighting the rat he skips merrily
over to it and begins to play with it too.
Guy On Keg: Hey! Don't mess with the rat!
Tall Guy: (Frank) Do you like rats?
G: Yes, especially in a white wine sauce.
The rat runs away. Fat guy cracks up. F hits him.
G: Now that that fearsome beast is gone, we can talk.
Keg: Frank, this bozo scared the rat off! Lets saute him now!
F: I think you'd best leave bub.
Fat cracks up, F hits him.
G: I apologize for that crack about eating rats. Actually I
quite like them.
K: They're very intelligent creatures!
Fat cracks up. F hits him.
Keg: More intelligent than HIM (indicates Fat) Why there's a
story that a bunch of rats actually crewed a ship here from
F: No, it was monkeys.
G: Chimps to be precise.
Keg: Hey, what are you doing chiming in on the Monkey Island
legend? Aren't you supposed to be ignorant about the story?
G: Hey, I read the script. Didn't you?
F: Yours was the only copy. They couldn't work the photocopier.
Keg: There was talk of smearing various characters with ink
as a running gag but it's just as funny and a lot less bothersome
for me to simply say it.
G: Hmm, it's a shame, I would have liked to photocopy that guy's
F: Looking for a map huh? (He opens his jacket. It's filled
with papers) Our maps are top quality, not like those birdcage
liners you get across the street.
Fat laughs, F hits him.
F: As my friend was indicating I'm trying to pull a fast one.
These are actually minutes of the last meeting of the Melee
Island PTA. Can't GIVE them away. Want one?
G: I'll take them if you give me 100 pieces of eight.
F: Would if I could. Would if I could.
G: Say, if you guys are pirates, you've done the trials
yourselves. You could give me a tip to the treasure.
F: We're not pirates. We're a wandering circus troupe.
Fat laughs, F hits him.
Keg: Well we were pirates. You think they sell these clothes
off the rack?
F: And we WERE a wandering circus troupe. But our trained rat
scared our trained elephant away. And now some trained idiot
has chased our trained rat away.
Fat laughs, F hits him.
Keg: That rat was our only source of income! We can't go out
pirating due to the UNNATURALLY talented competition working
out of Monkey Island.
G: Can't you sell whatever's in the keg?
Keg+Fat+F look sideways at each other.
G: What is in the keg?
Keg/F: Rum. Jam. I mean jam. Oh that's right rum.
F: Er, rum and jam, it's an old pirate favourite. Everybody
G: Well unlike some people directly in my line of vision, I'm
going to seek gainful employment so I can buy a map.
F steps aside to reveal a poster on the wall behind him.
Poster: The circus has come to Melee! Help wanted.
G: Ooh, I love a circus! I'll go there directly.
Scn 9- He's inside a circus tent.
G: Hmm, it is a bit disorienting isn't it? Well think of those
valuable seconds we save by not showing me wandering around
expensive outdoor sets that we can otherwise use for hilarious
He puts his hands in his pockets, whistles. Files his nails.
After this, pan to show a circus cannon pointed at a pile of
hay. At a distance from this are two Italian circus managers.
Alfredo: I can'ta get ina the cannon. The gunpowder, shea makea
Bill: Well Ia can'ta geta ina the cannon. Ia hurta my hhand,
taming the lions lasta week.
A: That little scratch, it don'ta compare wth my chronic
allergies. Geta ina the cannon.
B: You don'ta no have any allergies! YOU geta ina the cannon!
A: YOU geta ina the cannon.
B: YOU getta ina the cannon.
G: Does this place have a bathroom?
B: Mullet head!
A: Millet head!
G: I'm selling these fine leather jackets...
B: Pencil head!
A: Half head!
B: Cheese head!
G: You big old bet wetting doody head! Just thought I'd join
B: You werea joined in.
A: We werea talking to you.
B: (whispers) Heya, don'ta insult him. We coulda use him.
They rush over to either side of G and gradually nudge him over
to the cannon.
A: Saya, how'da you likea the once in a lifetime chance?
B: To perform an amazinga feat...
A: A deatha defying feat...
B: Wella nota that death defying...
A: A dangerousa feat...
B: No, nota dangerous feat...
A: Ana easy feat...
B: But still an exciting one!
A: With thea Amazing Adventurous Acrobatic-
B: And exceedinglya well known-
A: Fabulousa Flying Fettucini Brothers!
B: That'sa us. My brother Alfredo.
A: Anda mya brother Bill.
B: Sounda good?
B: Alla you havea to do-
A: Isa geta inna the cannon.
B: We'lla doa the rest.
G: What's the pay?
A: How abouta 478 pieces of eighta?
A: Bellissimo! Now we canna doa the trick!
They each push on a shoulder and G falls backwards into the
cannon. A lights the cannon and G flies across the room feet
first. He goes through the pile of hay, which bursts as it is
only a hollow shell and impacts on the support beam with his
crotch. He slides down it onto the ground. A+B rush over.
B: Ita worked!
A: I'ma so relieved!
B: Area you OK?
G: Don't worry about me, I'm only a tree.
A: He'sa alright!
B: Hooraya! We area spared an embarrassing anda financially
A: Here'sa youra money.
He hands G a pouch.
G: Where was my helmet?
They begin to push him out.
B: Yes yes, it was wonderful wasn't it?
A: I'lla try it next!
B: Noa me!
A: Noa me!
G is deposited outside.
Scn 10- Majestic orchestral music plays as we see a sequence
of lush luxuriant and lengthy shots of Guybrush journeying
through the Carribbean jungle, heading back to the village.
After some time he arrives back at the map seller.
G: (chucks some money) Here.
Man: Ta. (hands G a map)
G: What a denouement huh? I'll still need to buy a shovel though.
A storefront is pushed on from the left.
G: Me suddenly appearing at the scene OK, but the scene suddenly
appearing at me? That's crrrrrazy man!
The store contains nothing but shovels and swords plus a
crotchetty old man at a counter.
G: Boy what are the odds of this place having nothing but swords
Old: Good when you consider this is actually the studio's mobile
adventure movie props wagon. (adressing man) You just going
to stand there? I think he's done with you.
Man: Just maximising my screen time.
He proceeds to perform a silent vaudeville act while G carries
Old: Ahoy there fancy pants! BUY BUY BUY! Come on! Are you
waiting for me to fall asleep or something? Do you think this
is a museum?
G: With old relics like you it should be.
Sword falls of its hook, clanging on shovel and making a
drum-fill like noise.
G: Hmm, a slashmaster sword and a Thriftydig shovel!
Takes them, turns to leave.
Old: Maybe you'd like to pay for those?
G: No actually I wouldn't. (goes)
Old: Well what can ya do?
Scn 11- G is walking out of the village. the shop wheels on
from the left again.
Old: A lot when you're mobile!
G: Hey! Get out of the way!
Old: Not till you pay.
G: Oh alright. (hands over the money)
The shop reverses away, making a beeping sound. Continuing up
the path, G meets the lookout again in the same spot where scn
2 took place.
G: I think he's asleep. I HEARD A WEENIE ROAST WAS GOING ON
Man: (wakes up) Huh? What? Oh it's you. Throodweep.
Man: You've picked the right place to become a pirate. But not
the right time. Or name. You have the stupidest name I've heard
in a long time. Not since Higgle Jellycootiepie. You take my
advice, you'll change your name to Dreadbeard or Six Fingered
G: Call me Squinky.
Man: OK Squinky. Doesn't sound a LOT more piratey than Gibberish
G: Guybrush Threepwood. But who are you?
Man: I'm the lookout.
G: No you're not. You just think that because everyone shouts
'look out!' at you when you stumble blindly down the street.
Man: I'll have you know I can see a hundred feet away!
G: Only because that's how thick your glasses are.
Man: I was handpicked by Sheriff Shinetop! Now leave me alone,
I need to keep an eye out for LeChuck.
G walks a few feet away.
G: And now to use my map.
He pulls out the map, holds it up in front of him, waits.
G: Aw man, you're gonna make me walk there?
Scn 12- A big X with a plaque beside it in the jungle. G staggers
on bedraggled and weary.
G: Phew, what a trek! If they edit that out after all my effort,
I swear I'll quit the film.
Text: The End
Guybrush Threepwood played by A Temperemental Drama Queen
G: If all goes well this series will become a franchise, so
I'll refrain from making a justifying joke as to why I'm carrying
on with the movie. We'll need to stockpile material for the
He reads the plaque.
G: The Legendary Lost Treasure Of Melee Island. This carefully
reproduced piece of Melee Island history has delighted hundreds
of would-be pirates and their families for generations. Remember,
there are other pirates on this island so GO EASY ON THE
TREASURE. Leave some for the next person. Paid for by the Melee
Island chamber of commerce.
G pulls out his shovel and starts digging. After a few swipes
he crosses his fingers and closes his eyes.
G: Transition, transition... come on, transition...
Fade out then in on G tied to a bed with a leather clad man
waggling a whip at him. Fade out then in on G standing next
to a dug hole. He is white.
G: That wasn't funny.
He roots around in the hole and pulls out a plain white t-shirt.
G: I found the treasure of Melee Island and all i got was this
lousy T-shirt! Hey maybe they could put that on the t-shirts
instead of having them blank. Oh well, that's one task done
anyway. Now to steal the idol from the Governor's mansion!
Scn 13- G is walking through town again. He looks up at a sign.
Sign: International House Of Mojo.
G: I gotta see what that is.
He enters. He is in a dimly lit room of vodun paraphenalia.
He looks at a shelf.
G: Cat knuckles?!
He walks into a chicken hanging from the ceiling with a clang.
G: OW! Hey, it's got something in it. (he takes it down) Why
there's a pulley in it. It'll make a swell gift! (pockets it)
He passes through a beaded curtain to see a dark skinned
priestess sitting on an ornate throne. In front of her is a
pool of bubbling green liquid contained in a crystal skull.
Priestess: What may I help you with? Ahh, I sense the guilt
of stealing my chicken grows. Keep it, the pulley squeaks. I
sense your name is... Guybrush... Guybrush Threepwood... Am
I not right?
G: Big deal. Half the people I know are named Guybrush.
P: Open your mind to the mystic ways Mister Treewood. It will
help you in your coming voyage.
G: Voyage? What voyage?
P: I am getting a vision...
The skull rises up and the room flashes a blinding blue.
P: I see you taking a journey... I see you captaining a a ship.
P: I see a giant monkey.
P: I see you inside the monkey.
P: You are not ready to know more. When you have been given
a greater mission come and see me, and I shall grant you further
aid. One question before you go.
G: Why is there a trap door on the seat of your chair?
The room flashes the blinding blue again and when vision clears,
the woman is gone. The skull descends.
G: I suppose that counts as an answer.
He leaves and continues on his way, but is caught by an arm
and pulled into an alley.
Scn 14- An alley with 'NONDESCRIPT ALLEY' graffitied on it.
The arm belongs to a bald man wearing a sherif's badge.
Fester: You know, bad things happen to people in dark deserted
alleys like this one at night. Noone's around to see them.
G: Oh I feel safe now I have you to protect me.
F: An attitude huh? I'd better get your name.
G: Guybrush Threepwood. Mighty pirate, new in town, on my way.
F stops him from leaving.
F: Listen Peephood, I'm the sheriif around here. Fester Shinetop.
Take it from me- this is a bad time to be visiting Melee Island.
A VERY bad time. Take my advice and find somewhere safer for
a vacation. Now if this alley was truly nondescript, they
wouldn't have been able to describe it as being nondescript.
G: Gee what a pill. Hope that was a one-off cameo from some
famous guy and not someone I have to deal with later.
Scn 15- G stands outside the governor's mansion. A pack of
piranha poodles swarm around the door.
G: No fear! I'll just throw them one of these pieces of meat
I always carry around with me.
He pulls a red bloody lump from inside his shirt and throws
it at the dogs. They zing in on it. G strides triumphantly
towards the door before doubling over in pain.
G: Gee, maybe I shouldn't take such a cavilier attitude towards
my kidneys... I can't have that many left...
He enters the mansion.
Scn 16- Inside the mansion. There is a door by Guybrush, with
a large portrait of Elaine Marley's father to the right of it.
Past this is a staircase with another door at the top. There
are lush furnishings. G looks about him, then enters the nearby
door. After he has gone, F comes in from outside.
F: Aha! I knew it would pay to keep my eye on him!
He goes through the door that G did. Nothing happens for a bit.
Then there is a lot of crashing and banging.
F: No! Not The red button!
There is an explosion and the scene shakes.
G: Is that a yak or a bison?
There are some very silly noises. G comes flying out through
the painting, then dives back in.
F: (shrill) Gophers! I hate gophers! Save me, save me!
G: Look out! He's really a dwarf!
Lookout man's voice: I'm a good 5'10 thank you.
G: Aha! I've found the idol!
F: And I've found a B&E in progress!
There is a whack.
G: Boy, I knocked him out cold! But I can't open this friggin'
He comes out of the top door.
G: The sheriff should be out for a while. Hmm, pity I didn't
electrocute him. (Sings) I shocked the sheriff- (a stick from
off screen whacks him) Ow! I'll need something to open that
Scn 16- G is walking out of the mansion when he spots the village
G: Hey! A prison! There's sure to be a few people skilled in
lock picking locked up in there!
He goes in.
Scn 17- There is only one cell and it is occupied by Otis, an
extremely unkempt man.
O: Hey! You gotta get me out of here! I'm a victim of society!
G: Not to mention halitosis! Man, talk about bad breath! NO
DON'T! DON'T TALK!
O: It's hard to keep my breath minty fresh when I've nothing
to eat but mildew!
G: I'll see if I can find you a breath mint.
50's cartoon title style thing with drawing of G next to
'Guybrush Threepwood in "Breath Mint Acquiring Capers"'.
Accompanying cheesy music.
Scn 18- The general store mobile is at the McDonald's drive
Old: Whaddya mean no grog? And why don't you guys do a Jolly
McRoger burger or something?
G runs up.
G: What the hell are you doing? Get back to the set!
Old: Oh, but our canteen sucks.
G: I need a breath mint.
Old: You sure do. But why would I have a breath mint? This is
the action movie prop wagon?
G: Haven't you worked with Stallone? (holds nose, waves hand
in front of it)
Old: His breath or his talent?
G: That's a dangerous question for me to answer... I think I've
committed libel as it is. Just give me the mints before I get
Old hands G a handful of raw mince. A sword falls of the rack,
hits a shovel, makes a noise like a drum fill.
G: Why can't one of them hit you for once?
Old gives G a proper tube of breath mints.
Scn 19- Back in the jail. G passes the mints to Otis.
O: Hmm, Breathmaster! 'For the pirate who cares about first
impressions.' (Eats some) Of course I'll no longer be able to
use my breath as rat repellant, but...
G: So who are you?
O: Name's Otis... or something like that, it's a long time since
I heard anyone say it... you've got to get me out, I'm innocent!
G: You don't look innocent to me.
O: You wouldn't either if you'd been in here as long as I have.
G: What did you to wind up in here?
O: We've got a problem.
O: Well the reason my character was locked in jail in the
original Monkey Island game-
G: Sssh ssh! That's a secret! (gestures at cam) They don't know
this is based on a video game!
O: I'm sure they do...
G: Yeah some of them will be fans, but we figured that video
game movies have really bad reps so we didn't mention that in
the press release. If the critics cotton on we're review toast!
O: Oh. Then I guess I can't explain why I can't explain why
I'm in prison.
G: I suppose that's unfair to those who've never heard of the
game and won't understand what this is all about.
O: I'm sure people who've played the game won't understand what
this is all about either. Email Matthew Kelly and he'll be happy
to explain what's going on though!
G: I have so lost the continuity.
O: There was continuity?
O: Oh yeah. The sheriff framed me!
G: Sheriff Shinetop! He sure is a jerk huh?
O: Too bad he's standing right behind you.
Via editing trick (he hasn't really been there all the time)
F steps out from behind G where he is supposed to have been
hiding precisely behind his profile. He has a bump on his head.
F: Hello Mr Weeprude.
F: Yes I know. Eepwod. Guybrush Eepwood. I thought I'd find
you here, your natural habitat. I should lock you up with Otis,
then you'll have plenty of time for private conversation.
O: What happened to your head Fester? Accident at the toupee
F: I don't know what you two were planning but it was probably
a jail break or something else illegal-
G: Watchoo talkin' bout? You were listening in!
F: You criminal types have codes. Anyway, you assaulted me while
attempting robbery. I have you for that. You're banished from
the island. If I see you around here again (draws sword across
G: You'll commit suicide?
F: Hmmmm. (thinks) No. No I won't.
F: Any more monkey business and I'm taking you out.
G: For pizza?
F: Any more monkey business and I'm taking you out.
G: But how can you hold me responsible for the activities of
Pull back to show two suit types viewing the scene on a monitor.
Man: I dunno. They're both pretty painful.
Man2: Maybe if we show them both we can stun the sudience into
submission for the rest of the picture.
Back to normal. F leaves.
O: You'd better go before you get yourself in trouble.
G: Hah! A mighty pirate such as myself doesn't listen to the
police. (puts his hands over his ears)
O: What? What is it?
G: That's funny. I was sure they were going to play Roxanne
or something. (waits) No, I think we're safe.
O: Here, before you go I'll thank you for those breath mints.
You can have this carrot cake my Aunt Tilly made.
O hands G a cake.
G: It's a little hefty isn't it? Whoops!
He drops it and it smashes like a vase. There's a file inside.
G: Oh my gosh there's a file inside!
O isn't surprised.
O: Yeah I know. But no way was it worth eating through the cake
to get it. Now you can file me out of here!
G: Yeah I could... but there's this statue I need to steal from
the governor and if I wear the file out...
O: Come back when you've got that statue! Please?
Scn 20 Inside the mansion. G dives back through the hole in
Silly Voice: Wheeeeee!
More bizarre noises. Some sawing.
G: Phew, that was a close one but at least I've got the idol.
He comes out of the door atop the stairs and starts to leave
when F comes out of the door and catches up with him.
F: I thought you might strike here again! Now it's really
curtains for you! You gave the dogs a kidney, yet you're not
a registered donor!
G: They needed it more than I did!
F: You came onto private property!
G: The door was unlocked!
F: Planned a jail break!
G: This files for my toenails! See? (shows F his feet) Wait
a minute, wasn't I wearing shoes before?
F: Resisted exile!
G: The garbage scow only comes alternate weeks!
F: And then stole from the governor!
G: I was taking the idol out for a walk! It needs exercise.
Have you seen the state of these-
A young woman comes out of the door. She has a bobby's hat and
Elaine: Ello ello ello. What's all this then?
G covers his eyes.
G: What a stupid entrance for my love interest.
F: I caught this hoodlum making off with your idol Governor.
E: (throws away hat and truncheon) You bring back Gwyneth Paltrow
F: No, your wooden idol.
E: That is Gwyneth Paltrow.
F: The one you keep in the display case!
E: Still Gwyneth-
F rips a door wedge from G's clutches and waves it at E.
E: Oh I see.
F: He says he was taking it for exercise!
E: I wish he'd take YOU for exercise! You have a chubby tumtum!
(lifts up F's shirt to reveal a hairy potbelly which she plays
with) A chubby little belly! A tubby chubby belly! (folds tummy
other to make a mouth which she does a ventriloquist thing with)
'I am a chubby belly'. Do either of you have any lipstick around?
G: Shouldn't you be asking how I managed to get in here when
Fester was supposed to be guarding the place?
E: Say, yeah Fester! If your security was tighter he would be
in a lockup right now, but thanks to you this sweet innocent
has successfully committed a crime. Get out of my sight.
F walks round behind her back.
E: Get out of my house Fester!
G: Yeah Fester.
E: Sorry about him. He's new. I'm Governor Marley, Elaine Marley.
She comes close to G and he sees her beauty for the first time.
E: So, giving my idol a little night air were you?
G: Well.. that is...
E: Relax Mr Heatcool I know why you're here. You're not the
first trainee pirate to try, though not many get as far as you
G: Gosh... gee I...
E: Tell me Oshkoshbegosh, why do you want to be a pirate? Your
face is too... sweet.
G: Blfftt hgkdgkjn ee hee hee hee.
E: I see. Well, you're obviously not in the mood for idle
chitchat. I suppose you have more exciting things to do than
talk to me. (sadly) I won't take up any more of your time
Gasgush. Sorry to bore you like that. (sighs and goes)
G: Bgglw! Mfrnkf? Dmnkly! (she is gone) Sigh... I wish I knew
how to talk to women... I've never quite been able to manage...
He opens the front door, idol in hand. Via editing trick, F
pushes the inwardly opening door shut to reveal himself behind
F: Where do you think you're going, Bushwhack Theewink?
G: Excuse me Mr Shinetop but you seem to be blocking the door.
Stand aside so I can put this idol in my safety deposit box.
F: I've got a locker you could put it in! Davey Jones' locker!
Scn 21- The dock by the Scumm Bar. G is tied to the idol.
F: This is the end of the road my litle pantalooned pal. My
plans for the governor are far too important and much too near
completion to risk letting a pretty boy like you get underfoot.
So long Thumpwook.
F kicks G into the water, with the idol. He leaves. Voice bubbles
Scn 22- G is under water, tied to the idol which floats beside
G: Oh no! I'm drowning!
Voice: You'll be fine, just follow the instructions in the
script. It says in the contract we're obliged not to let an
Voice2: Good thing he's no actor.
G: I did read the script but I can't truggle!
G: It says I have to truggle to free myself!
V: I believe that's a typo for struggle.
G: Oh, OK. (some dramatic struggling. Gets bored after a bit,
pockets the idol and climbs back up onto the dock.)
Scn 23- Same as 21. E is there.
E: You're alive!
E: You've regained the power of speech!
G: What are you doing here?
E: I came down to rescue you! I heard the splash and thought
what if someone's throwing a penny in to make a wish, what a
waste of money... and to rescue you.
G: You came to rescue me? But why should you care? You don't
even like me.
E: Well you seemed to have trouble forming complete sentences.
But so do most of the men around here for some reason.
G: But I'm not even a citizen of yours... I'm a drifter, a
nobody, a wanna be, the Ross Perot of pirating. Who would've
even noticed if I'd drowned?
E: I would have. Especially if you'd gotten wedged in the water
inlet pipes and bits of your decaying body started to come out
of my bath taps.
G: Oh governor!
E: Oh Threepwood!
G: Oh Elaine!
E: Oh Guybrush!
G: It's amazing!
E: Yes, isn't the thrill when you meet someone meant for you
G: I meant how you got both bits of my name right. Most people
call me Highrush Reaper or something. Love muffin!
E: Sugar boots!
G: Honey pumpkin!
E: Plunder bunny!
G: Kiss me!
E: No! We mustn't! Not here, where everyone can see us.
G: Are you ashamed of me?
G: There's privacy at your mansion...
E: OK... but finish your trials first. I don't want you to be...
preoccupied. I'll go strip Fester of his badge. Come back to
my place when you defeat the swordmaster. And then maybe we
can get our jollies. (winks) I'll be waiting... (leaves)
G: I feel a sudden urge to finish the trials... quickly. Better
find that sword master.
He walks on a little bit, looks in a barrel then up a rainpipe.
Lifts a few stones, peers through a window. The window opens,
hitting him. A butch muscular man leans out. He smokes a cigar
right into G's face.
Smirk: What do you want?
G: Do you know where the swordmaster lives?
S: Yeah I do, but forget it kid, she'd cut you to ribbons...
unless of course you got some training first. (shakes hands
vigorously) Name's Captain Smirk. Sword training 30 pieces of
eight, cannon training 160 pieces of eight, balls extra-
G: Could you put out that cigar? It's bad for your health.
S: Asking me to put it out is bad for YOUR health. But I'd be
happy to put it out... in your face! (shuts window)
G knocks on the window.
G: Can we step inside? It's a little chilly out here. I wouldn't
want you to catch your death of cold.
S: What are you on about?
G: I said it's a little chily out here! You should go inside!
S: Good idea. (shuts window. G raps on it) What now?
G: Smoking can dramatically decrease lifespans.
S: So can I. (shuts window. G knocks again) What is it?
G: Could you train me to beat the sword master?
S: You don't have what it takes.
G: I do so!
S: You do not!
G: I do so!
S: You do not!
G: Do so!
S: Do not!
G: Do so!
S: Do not!
G: Do so!
S: Do not!
G: Do not!
S: Do so!
G: Do not!
S: Do so!
G: Do not!
S: You do so and that's final! Of course, you'll have to provide
your own sword.
G: All I have is this rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle.
S: Yes, swinging a rubber chicken with a big metal pulley in
it can be quite deadly but she's not the Rubber Chicken Master.
G: Duh, you forget who you're talking to. I think I know I hold
that title. But don't stress, I bought a sword earlier.
S: Is it one of those silly prop swords?
S: Good, don't want to risk you hurting me or yourself. Come
He hoists G through the window.
Scn 24- S' gym. Various swords hang on the walls. There are
training devices around as well.
S: Right, we'll start you off with a practice dummy.
S: What are you waiting for? I said start with a practice, dummy!
G wavers the sword around.
S: Hmmm... not good... you know, I don't usually do this but
it's because of the special bonding I'm feeling between student,
mentor and pieces of eight that I'm going to kick your butt.
S produces his own sword and they start dueling. S maintains
S: You know, I was once a personal friend of Carla's. That's
the sword master. I remember her and I were fighting up a storm
with the militia on Phatt Island. It looked like we were done
for when she said- but I digress.
G: Why'd she say that?
S: The point in swordfighting is that wits matter.
G: I thought the point in swordfighting was at tne end of the
S: Look... sword fighting is kinda like making love... (looks
at G) OK, forget that, but I mean it's not so much what you
do as what you say. For example, let's say you and I were making
G: There's no practical for this part of the training right?
S: You're no real pirate then!
G: Yeah yeah, my friends already gave me that thing about well
oiled men who wear earrings and silk out on the sea alone.
S: Well let's say we're sword fighting then. Now if I were to
firmly grasp your buttocks like so- What's your problem, it's
a legitimate fighting move!
G: Teach me sword fighting, not Greek wrestling!
S: Well we're parrying. And I say 'You fight like a dairy
farmer.' Your reply?
G: You must have mistaken me for someone else, I am not a farmer.
S: No no, the skilled duelist would have said 'How appropriate.
You fight like a cow.' Then maybe a crack about milking the
blood out of him. Now how about 'You're the most repulsive thing
I've ever seen'? Your reply?
G: How appropriate. You fight like a cow.
S: Hmm, I would've gone with 'Mirrors break before you get a
good look?'. Let's try another one. 'Do you want to go upstairs?'
G: Is there a fire escape?
S: Ah forget it then. Look you need some practice so go outside
and engage a pirate in combat then come back and tell me how
Caption: Some time later...
S: How did it go?
G: Great! I crept up on this ugly pirate on his way to the
circus. I leaped forward and spat on his neck, so he turns around
and swipes at me with his sword. He snarled and we drew. The
battle raged on, until finally I collapsed onto my knees and
said... 'Will you marry me?'
G: You did say to ENGAGE A PIRATE IN COMBAT.
A sword falls of the wall, clatters on some equipment, makes
a drum fill.
S: OUT! OUT!
Scn 25- G topples out of S' window.
G: I can't help but feel I've been ripped off. (to Cam) I'm
sure you're feeling something similar. (significant pause) Hey
what are you doing here?
Cam pans to reveal Old in his store-wagon trundling away.
Old: Oh I was just listening outside to see that I set up that
sword falling thing right.
G: Hey you're pretty old and crusty and know a lot of stuff.
Where can I find the swordmaster?
Old smiles and picks up a sword which he points at Guybrush.
Old: You've found them.
G: You're joking.
Old: What? No, that woman behind you. (we realise he is pointing
with the sword and the cam pans back to show a black woman)
Carla: How dare you approach the swordmaster without permission.
G: I was just standing here. You approached me. Have we been
skipping transitions again? Well anyway, I'm selling these fine
C: Do you have one in size three?
G: (coughs) I think you mean five Madame Porky.
C: Hang on, you're another one of those goons the pirate leaders
send to bother me!
They draw and engage.
G: Well, you put the miss in misanthrope.
C: Talk to the hand!
Huge studio laugh, cheers of 'Carla'.
G: You're so fat, when you walk backward you make a beeping
C: Don't go there!
More cheers of 'Carla'.
G: Um, you're a big old bedwetting doody head?
C: I'll kick yo' ass!
More Carla cheers.
G: What is wrong with that crowd? Those aren't even proper
retorts! You're just ignoring what I say and saying something
flip which implies that in this argument your case is so
critically weak that you don't have a single premise relevant
to it which you feel could stand up in this debate. Look, I
think I'll try the come-backs.
C: OK. I got this face-scar during a mighty battle.
G: I hope now you've learnt to stop picking your nose.
Crowd: Ooooh, burn!'.
C: I hope you have a boat ready for a quick escape!
G: Why, did you want to borrow it?
C: I'm so tough I've never once been killed in battle!
G: What never?
C: Nope never. (pause) Well hardly ever.
G flicks C's sword from her hand.
C: You've beaten me!
G: My quick wits have kept you off balance, yada yada.
C: And now as I have solemnly pledged my dying father I must
give myself to you in a night of unending pleasure for you are
the first man who has beaten me in-
G: Thanks but I already have a date.
C: It's that Marley bitch isn't it? She always steals all the
decent men around here... well she would've if there'd been
one. Here, you'll need proof that you beat me. Have this golden
C she hands him a golden bar.
G: Hey this is chocolate in foil wrapping!
C: I prefer it to real gold. I've been told they accept wrappers.
G: Both east and west?
C: Too obscure.
G: Yeah, that dumb unappreciative audience probably didn't get
it. Stupid audience! (trembling) I hate them so much...
C places a restraining arm on him.
G: Well anyway, that's my three trials complete!
C: Well I gotta go so I don't look dorky standing around in
during a dialogue I have nothing to do with... unlike some people
Old: Oh shut up.
C leaves. G looks at the ocean across the dock that S' house
is next to and sees a transparent ship shimmer away. Old produces
popcorn as the lookout runs up to G holding a piece of paper.
G: It walks!
Man: What are you doing standing around? Goveror Marley's been
G: Aw nuts. (shouts) Uh, Carla, about that night of pleasure...
Man: LeChuck just took her on that ghostly ship!
G: Where would he have taken her?
Man: He'll have taken her to his hideout on Monkey Island.
G: I was wondering when I'd go there.
Man: LeChuck left this note (reads) Dear Melee Pirates. How
are you? I am fine. Your governor will not come to any harm
but will remain safe and happy by my side. She will continue
to govern your island but I will deliver her decrees for her
from now on as the travel might wear her out. If anyone tries
to rescue, I mean retrieve her, there be some bad juju brewing.
Yours surreally, LeChuck.
G: That fiend! I'll get a ship and a crew and I'll rescue her!
I'm sure I'll find some recruits in the bar!
With purpose, he marches into it.
Scn 26- G bursts heroically into the bar. Front on shot of him.
G: Your governor needs you! I'm looking for men! Now I know
this isn't that sort of bar, but I need steel muscled, deep
voiced, firey eyed men! Some of you will not return. But that's
gotta be better than coming back to this dump right? Are you
Shot shows the bar is empty save for a sobbing cook. G is
adressing some cockroaches. They run away.
G: Cowardly cockroaches! (to cook) What's wrong?
Cook: The governor is gone! LeChuck and his spectres spirited
her right out of her mansion! Then one of them came in here
and told everybody to forget any rescue attempts. They all ran
out the back door and my customers are gone!
G: It's only one night's business that you're losing...
Cook: No it's not! My whole establishment is in danger! Marley
was so good to me, always losing those Health Board reports...
she felt that if the pirates enjoyed my roasts who cared wether
they met fat content requirements! But now she's gone! Now
LeChuck's in charge he'll probably shut me down!
G: Elaine's still in charge-
Cook: You didn't honestly buy that 'Marley's stiil in charge
I'll just be her mouthpiece' nonsense did you? it's obvious
LeChuck's effectively our new mayor! You must-
G: I'm on it, but where can I get a ship?
Cook: Why at Stan's Shipyard!
G: Will you join my crew?
Cook: Er, alas I cannot go to sea. An old war wound you
understand. Oh, is your name Guzzling Thruppence? The pirate
leaders told me to give you this. (hand Guybrush something small,
green and plastic)
G: It's my Official Pirate Secret Decoder Ring! Thanks!
Cook: Say, do you wanna run a drink over to my friend Otis in
the jail? (hands G a mug of grog)
Scn 27- The jail.
G: (to cam) You could have at least waited for me to answer.
O: But if you had said no, it would've screwed things up. Look
unless you're a lawyer and I can tell you're not because you
don't have scales, I don't see how you can get me out of here.
G: Shut up and drink your drink.
As G passes O the mug, the grog eats through the bottom and
falls onto the cell lock, eating through it.
G: (pause) Gee, do pirates really HAVE to drink that stuff?
O: Shortens the life span. You miss out on the pointless nofun
senile years. (sidles out of his cell)
G: Hey, now that I've freed you, will you be on my crew?
O: That'd be great! Now that I'm a fugitive I should get off
this island. When do we set sail?
G: I still need to get a boat. Look, start eating popsicles
and if I can't arrange something better, we'll use the sticks
O: Maybe I'll swim. See you around. (leaves)
G: Meet me on the dock later? Please? Hello? (sighs) I hope
he really will join my crew... I should find a boat before I
try to recruit any others though... on to Stan's Shipyard!
(waits) Aw, don't make me look for it, this is a huge lot.
Scn 28- Establishing shot of the shipyard. There are boats all
round the place as well as a grog machine and an office.
Sign: Stan's Previously Owned Vessels.
G investigates the grog machine.
G: Grog, Diet Grog, Classic Grog, Grog Original, Grog Light,
Caffeine Sugar Free Cherry Crystal Grog Max 2 and root beer.
He is about to buy a root beer when Stan accosts him. Stan is
very Ted Danson in 'Made In America'. He talks fast, wears cowboy
hat and has a plaid jacket.
S: Howdy! I'm Stan of Stan's Previously Owned Vessels! What
sort of craft you looking for? You want it I got it and if I
don't got it I'll get it but if I don't got it you don't want
it so I don't got to get it. Get it?
G: Got it.
S: Good. I want to make a deal that you're happy with. If you're
not happy, I'm not happy, but I know you're going to leave here
G: Happy I didn't do business with you?
S: Ha ha, what a kidder! Now shut your hole and just look at
all these fine ships. What are you looking for today?
G: What's the biggest bestest ship you've got?
S: (takes G to a huge red one) Fifteen staterooms, a fireplace
in every one. Two swimming pools, one indoor, one outdoor.
Perfumed bathroom, rotating restaurant, heated crows nest, two
hundred feet of ocean going decadence.
G: You rehearse this in front of a mirror?
S: And all for one low price!
G: Must do, you're not able to respond to my wierd remarks.
S: How much were you thinking of?
G: Money is no object!
S: Always the kidder! How much?
G: Um, let's say (feels pocket) 173 pieces of eight.
S: We are talking about the same ship right?
G: Maybe we should talk about a different ship.
S: OK, but I got five other man coming to see this baby today.
Don't count on it being there later. (takes G to a viking type
boat) Now I can see you're a no-frills kind of guy. I mean just
look at the way you dress. You're rugged. Like this baby. She
comes from a land far to the North, where the sea is unforgiving,
the men are tough- say you wouldn't be from up there would you?
G: Is that a cue card hidden in your hand?
S: It's just you have a sort of Nerdic, uh, Nordic quality about
you. Whaddya say?
G: Wanna trade for this keen looking rubber chicken?
S: My wife near beat me to death with one of those last time
I did that. Good deal in my opinion but not worth the wrath
of the little lady.
G: Do you give credit?
S: No... but the storekeeper does, if you've got a good job.
Look I think there's one here in your price range. (points to
a sunken one with a sign poking out of the water)
Sign: Fixer upper.
G: Maybe not.. listen I'm gonna go steal something, I'll be
S: He'll be back.
Scn 29- Mobile store is in a highway traffic jam. G runs up.
G: What are you doing? Do you know how long I've been looking
Old: (a little wild) Ha ha! they lied to us Guybrush! There
is a world outside the studio lot! And I'm going to explore
G: Are you one of those studio owned and raised orphans? I really
think you should start heading back to the set...
G: Well at least give me a note of credit.
Old: Pardon? Oh yeah, I'm sorry. My grip on the fact that I'm
supposed to be some 17th century storekeeper has become
increasingly tenuous. You got a job?
G: Human cannonball at the fettucini circus.
Old: Ha! Don't make me laugh!
G: Why, would your dentures fall out?
Old: Where's your silly slippers then?
Car behind beeps his horn.
Driver: Move your ass, you crusty old jerk!
Old: (grabs a sword) You got a problem with the way I drive
my store huh?
Driver: Bring it on! You wanna piece of me?
Old leaps over the counter and runs over. Driver gets out of
his car and takes a tire iron from the boot. They duel. G fishes
around in Old's stuff and takes a note.
G: (reads) 'I, the good and honorable storekeeper do hereby
take liability to the debts of the bearer of this note nor any
amount up to 5000 pieces of eight.' (pockets it) Mission
accomplished. Time to get back to the set. But how do I drive
this thing? (gets behind the till) Man, I can't operate this
store, I never got my trading lisence.
Scn 30- Back at the shipyard, S is waiting.
G: I got a note from the storekeeper. Now will you give me some
S: No but I'll trust you that he's agreed to be liable for your
G: Don't you wanna see the note?
S: Nah. But I don't take credit on the premimum boats. Too risky,
Bosses' policy. I know that's my name up on the sign, but- long
story... anyway, I've got just the very deal for you.
S leads G to a huge, dark, decrepit boat.
S: This here is the famous Sea Money, the only ship that has
ever made it to Monkey Island and come back with anyone alive
on it. Or should I say anything. You see the previous owners
of this ship were two adventurous pirates who wanted to learn
the secret of monkey island.
G: Wow! Just like the movie!
S: Yes... anyway, like many before they set out for legendary
Monkey Island and like many before, they never came back. Their
fate, a mystery. Almost as mysterious as how this ship returned
to Melee without a single human aboard. Sailed by monkeys it
was. Resold to me for two barrels of bananas.
G: Monkeys can sail ships?
S: I know, who knew? But your credit's always good at Stan's
little buddy! I don't mind if you've had credit problems in
the past such as divorce, bankruptcy, chronic gambling mishaps,
who am I to judge right? Since the storekeeper gave you that
note, I can trust that you're an honest man with a steady income.
G: But you haven't seen the note. I could be lying.
S: Yes. Yes you could.
G: Look, I'll show-
S: (restraining G's arm) I said I'm gonna trust you and I'm
gonna trust you. Now you could sail this puppy away TODAY for
just 10,000 pieces of right. How does that sound?
G: Let's dump the extras.
Shot of various key crew and stars throwing miscellaneous
background pirates off a dock. Cut back to G+S.
S: Sure relieves the stress doesn't it?
G: Now let's dump the boat's extras to lower the price.
S: OK... Porthole defoggers, anti-lock anchor, rack and pinion
rudder, velour sail covers, tack-o-meter, simulated wood siding,
elevator made with wood from burgundy wine casks, all gone.
Now you realise don't you, that they don't make them like this
anymore. They make them a lot better nowadays.
G: How's 5000?
S: It's the little woman isn't it? You're afraid of spending
YOUR money on something YOU want and not her. Don't be such
a wimp! It's your money right? Stand up for yourself! She'll
respect you for it! And when she sees the ship, she'll LOVE
you for it!
S: OK, OK! It's killing me but you've got me over a barrel...
and I told my kids that they were getting Christmas presents
this year... can't you just picture how sad these precious little
faces wil be?
S flips out a wallet showing pictures of children.
G: Hey, I've got the same family! Those photos came with the
G reveals identical wallet/photos.
S: Heck, I'm just foolin' ya! I'm always happy to get rid of
a customer uh, when they're in a newly purchased ship! Now get
your crew together and I'll meet you at the dock in town. I'l
pilot this thing out there.
S goes on board the Sea Monkey. G starts to leave.
S: (off) JESUS CHRIST! (G turns) I mean jesus christ but this
boat is in good condition. (G goes)
Scn 31- The vodun shop.
G: Hello? I think my cosmic fate or whatever is rolling along
now. I'm gonna go rescue my love from demons, that sounds the
sort of thing you consult a fortune teller over.
A flash and the priestess appears.
P: So you have returned to learn your future.
G: Yeah but primarily because you look like the type who knows
how to make a really good Carribbean fruit salad.
The room flashes twice and the skull rises again.
G: Could you cut that flashing out? It's terrible for my eyes!
P: There's no flashing effect! I used to have one but it stopped
working about the time all the lights went dim and all the
writing in my books went fuzzy. Now I am getting a second
vision... you must... you must go to Monkey Island.
G: Thanks, you've been a great help.
P: Once there you will need to find the ghost of LeChuck. He
resides deep, deep beneath Monkey Island. There is only one
thing powerful enough to destroy LeChuck.
G: Dung beetle breath?
G: Darn. Why can't I find a situation just once that requires
my unique skills?
P: The weapon you need to defeat LeChuck is an ancient root.
Once made into a potion, the root can destroy spectres in a
single touch. Go now and find the who loves you. But BE WARNED:
you are about to bite your tounge.
G: Argh! My tounge!
P: Know this Guybrush... if LeChuck kills you... (ECU on her
face) you will die.
Flash. She is gone.
G: I have no respect for mere 'padding' characters.
Scn 32- In the street outside, G is coversing with the men of
low moral fibre.
G: Hey guys, did you hear the governor's been kidnapped?
G: Well can I interest you in a dream vacation? Because of the
sudden change in local government, I'm able to offer you a once
in a lifetime chance of a cruise to that scenic wonderland...
Monkey Island! And the amazing thing about this offer is the
price- absolutely free! All you have to do is crew the ship
and island paradise will be yours! Plus a simulated adventure
tour in which we'll pretend to rescue the governor from a guy
dressed like LeChuck.
F: The governor's a big girl, she can take care of herself.
K: And we've got the circus to think of.
G: I've worked with the competition. You have nothing to fear.
F: We've got to find the elephant.
F: Find the rat...
F: ...and get rid of these minutes. I'm sorry we simply can't
go anywhere at this time.
G: Darn, now where am I gonna get a crew? What buildings haven't
I been into yet?
He wanders down the street, opening doors.
G: Facade, frontispiece, crew toilet... hey what's this?
Around a corner he spots a sign.
Sign: Visit fabulous Hook Isle. Restrooms, souveneirs, ad hoc
G follows the path.
Scn 33- G stands by a neon 'Hook Isle' sign. Across a chasm
which has a flying fox over it sits a little cottage.
G: Ah, the rubber chicken at last makes sense.
G hooks the chicken over the cable and slides across. He enters
Scn 34- A cosy foyer. A man with two eyepatches, two hooks and
two wooden legs walks up to Gurbush. He is bald and has a large
skull tatto on his chest.
Meathook: Hey! I don't like visitors!
G: You have a series of signs inviting people here.
M: I've been meaning to take them down. I don't do that anymore.
How'd you cross over here, I took the gondola away.
G: I'm Guybrush Threepwood and I'm a mighty pirate, cannon-ball
M: My name's Meathook, not cannon-ball head. I think you have
a little attitude problem.
G: I think you have a little hair problem.
M: You just don't know when to stop do you?
G: Neither did your barber.
Shot of M tossing G down the chasm. Cut back to foyer. G
M: Come to call me cueball?
G: Hey, that's a good- I mean no. I'm sorry I was trying to
be funny. You see the sight of you brings up some difficult
emotions, painful memories which I tried to mask with comedy.
I know how hard male pattern baldness can be.
M: You do?
G: I had the same problem. But then I started using 'Hair Today,
Here Tomorrow.' 3 minutes a day is all it takes to make sure
that your follicles will never give up the ghost.
Put an end to all your sorrow
With Hair Today, Here Tomorrow
M: But you don't have hair problems!
G: I know.
M: But I'd rather be bald than have a silly little ponytail
G: Ah ha ha ha.
M: You do have a good sense of humour! Wanna see something funny?
G: A picture of your whole bald family?
M: Watch this! Say hello, Roger.
Flexing his chest, M does a ventriloquist act with the tattoo.
Roger: Hello Roger.
M: Pretty good huh? I have a whole routine, but it's kind of
long. It's good for entertaining crews on long sea voyages.
(pause) What are you doing here anyway?
G: The sign said there were restrooms.
M: Not public ones.
G: Well that's kind of a gyp isn't it?
M: It managed to pack the crowds in, back when this place was
the tourist highlight of Melee. I had a menagerie and a line
of Roger merchandising and the gem of my collection, the
restrooms. Even though people were dissappointed at not being
able to use them I still let them look for a small fee. But
then there was an accident with one of the trained animals.
During a trick, I was horribly injured... it scared many of
my regulars away and robbed me of my enthusiasm and confidence.
The injuries made me the cruel parody of a amn standing before
you today. I didn't want to do this anymore and so I shut the
place down. Over the years I-
G: Will you shut up? Governor Marley's been kidnapped! I want
you to sail away with me!
M: Alright but I'm not the marrying kind. In fact anyone of
that kind isn't the marring kind, by law.
G: I mean in pursuit of LeChuck. He's the one who kidnapped
M: We'll need a ship-
G: Got it.
M: And a crew-
G: Getting it.
M: And a captain. (G coughs)
Roger: You? You gotta be kidding me!
G: You stay out of it!
M: i find it's easier to say hurtful things through him. The
cuteness softens the blow. But if you really wanna be captain,
let's see you prove your manhood.
G: We're gonna match 'em?
M: (pause) No.
He leads G over to the far wall. There is a lever the length
of a man sticking out next to a huge iron vault door.
M: Inside this prison is the monster. The monster which bit
of my limbs and gouged out my eyes. The monster which ruined
my life. Let's hope you're quicker than I was. Oh, he should
be quite irritable, He hasn't eaten for a while. The orphanage
stopped replying to my calls after I failed to return my last
M pulls the lever and runs away, watching from a distance. Inside
the vault is a wooden box about the size of a man's head.
M: (nervous) Go on 'Captain'... if you've got the guts.
G opens the cage.
A dead parrot topples out. M rushes over.
M: I don't believe it! Someone has finally bested the beast!
The murderous winged devil's reign of terror is over! I'm not
good enough to be on your crew. I'm not good enough to swab
G: Sure you aren't, but hey, you can swab my decks anytime!
G: Really. Just pack your stuff and meet me at the dock.
M: Great! See you captain!
Scn 35- LeChuck's ship again.
Caption: Having just returned from Melee, LeChuck and his crew
find their old hiding place in the underground caverns of Monkey
Cut to L's bedroon. Fester Shinetop stands by the window. First
mate scampers in.
Mate: Congratulations on disposing of that pesky pirate sir.
F's head swells up.
Mate: It wasn't that great a job sir, don't get a big head.
Are you alright?
F's skin splits and falls away in shreds, revealing L inside.
L: NEVER FELT BETTER! How fares our prisoner?
Mate: We had a little trouble but now she's locked up in the
brig. What exactly happened re the Roughhouse Sneezechewed
L: Gooblush Hoselength will not be a problem. At this very moment
he's twenty feet underwater, probably bloating up like an overfed
pig. Eye's being eaten out by crabs, fish pecking at his
fingers... kinda makes you wish you were there to watch.
Mate: So how come he's preparing to sail for Monkey Island right
L: What? No matter, he wears makeup, he'll be a real sissy
Mate: But sir, even the most formidable macho movie heroes wear
makeup on set.
L: Who said anything about on set? Is the root locked up tight?
Mate: I already said she was-
L: I mean the ghost killing voodo root we stole from the natives!
Whaddya think this is, Carry On All At Sea? Now come along.
I want your opinion on the lavvy's new wall paper.
Scn 36- The canteen. G sits with Carla at a table.
C: Man this director lacks story telling skills.
G: Shut up, I have something important to tell you.
C: I don't have time for your nonsense. The governor has been
kidnapped. After my skim milk break I need to get a ship and
assemble a crew in order to rescue her.
G: Um, I own a ship and I'm in a crew with two others.
C: Hey, maybe I could hook up with your outfit! I'm sure you
slackers'll need a strong-willed leader like me.
G: Sure will.
C: Good, I'll meet you at the dock.
G: Is that night of pleasure offer still valid?
C: Not right now, we've got to get ready. First night together
on the ship come see me.
She runs off.
Scn 37- The dock. Stan is waiting there. In the background sits
the Sea Monkey.
S: Good thing you've shown up! Ten people have offered to buy
this baby off me while I've been waiting here for you. But I
said 'NO WAY. I know a guy who's in love with this ship and
it would break his heart to lose it'. Am I right? Of course
I am! Just look at her!
G: Stan, you've already sold it to me.
S: I have? Oh yeah. Sorry, talking like this is kind of a reflex.
Catch you later. Whoops, I almost forgot to give you this free
seafaring literature which will help you use your boat! (hands
G three pamphlets) 'How to get a leg up in treasure hunting',
'How to prepare arms in battle' and 'How to get ahead in
navigation'. Enjoy! Now if you'll excuse me, my ship for Mexico
leaves in ten minutes.
S leaves. A mast falls off the boat.
G: No point in chasing after him to complain... the shipyard's
probably turned into a Chinese takeaway by now.
Otis' Voice: Hey Thrushwhack, I'm tired of sitting on the dock
of the bay, wasting time! When are we gonna sail?
Cam pans to show O approaching.
G: I was worried you weren't going to show!
O: Well, you know I'n not just doing this for the money captain.
C: Captain? Why did he call YOU captain?
G: Er, you fight like a dairy farmer.
C: Don't start with me!
O: Do we get some pay in advance?
C: How are we going to get your ship in here with this
waterlogged wreck in the way?
M: Where's the cabin boy? I need him to go back to my place
and collect the bags.
C: Where's our ship?
O: Where's our pay?
M: Where's our crew?
G: This isn't going to be as easy as I thought...
Scn 38- Wide shot of the Sea Monkey ploughing across the ocean.
It is now bright day.
Caption: Part Two
Text: Through the courageous leadership of Captain Threepwood,
the Sea Monkey begins its voyage. Undaunted by their lack of
equipment, expertise, deodorant or working facilities, the crew
holds a meeting to plan the ship's maintainance.
Cut to on deck. C+O+M all stand at attention in a line which
they gradually slouch out of as the scene progresses. G stands
in front of them making a speech.
G: First of all, I'd like to say it's great working with such
a fine crew but as you're so lousy I can't. Boom-boom. (awkward
pause) A little ice breaking humour there. Now-
O: What was it we were suckered into doing again?
G: The adventure ahead will not be easy.
C: Suckered is right.
G: It's going to take skill, endurance, and most importantly,
O: I don't see what the big rush is with rescuing the governor.
LeChuck loves her, he won't hurt her! The way I look at it,
we've got this great ship... well we've got A ship. We're
unemployed and unobligated. Let's kick back, tie a rope to the
wheel and cruise for a while.
G: First I thought we'd assign some duties.
C: I could use a little work on my tan.
G: I've made a list...
M: Come to think of it, I have been feeling stressed lately.
G: We'll take turns at putting our name besides jobs that we...
C: So it's decided! We cruise the Caribbean!
G: I'll just crawl over here and die then.
Transition to later. Shot of G atop the crow's nest spying ahead.
He looks down to see C+O+M all stripped down and sun bathing.
G: What I wouldn't give for a water balloon right now. (aloud)
Hey guys, I hear the beaches on Monkey Island are the best around
O: Nice try but no cigar Gumball.
C: Beat it Goopy.
M: Don't lean over so far, you're blocking the sun!
G: You mutineers have five minutes to start working or I'll
start dishing out punishments!
M: Girlguide, does the world keelhaul mean anything to you?
G: Keelhaul. Kee-el-hol. Verb. One. To haul under the keel of
a ship as punishment or torture. Are you suggesting I use that
on you slouchers?
M: No, I'm suggesting we slouchers use it on you..
G: I see. I'm gonna make that five minutes ten days then. To
give you guys time to see the error of your ways. (sits and
sulks) Well at least I've got Carla's night of pleasure to look
G: But aren't I sort of involved with Elaine? I've only spoken
to her once... yet Elaine has more of a future. I doubt Carla
will appear in the sequel... Forget Carla's night of pleasure,
I must remain constant to Elaine! (jumps up, excited) Land ho!
That's gotta be Monkey Island! Nothing else is out here!
M: Tell us when you find the governor. We have an extra deckchair
she can use.
G: I'm landing the ship. Are you guys coming with me?
O: You're not landing any ship. That island's swarming with
G waves the spyglass he has been using around angrily.
G: I've just about had enough out of you lot! Carla, it was
your idea to get a ship and crew together in the first place!
(leaning over too far, he falls from the crow's nest and lands
inside the upturned cannon. The spyglass hits the deck and the
lens pops free, bouncing up. The sun's rays zap through the
lens like a magnifying glass and lights the cannon's fuse. G
is shot out of it.)
Scn 39- He slams into a banana tree on the beach as he hit the
pole in the circus.
Capton: Part Three
Under Monkey Island
When G hits the ground his head becomes stuck in the sand. Herman
Toothrot, an aged hermit whose clothes are falling apart (his
pants have entirely deteriorated) approaches G.
H: Well I'll be! An ostrich! No... no wait... that's a human!
Been a long time since I saw one of those! Now let's see, whaddya
say to them? Oh yeah. Hi! I'm Herman. Don't bother to say hello
or stand up or anything. (pause) It's only been twenty years
since I spoke to anyone civilised. (pause) Fine. Be that way.
By the way, you might want to think about putting the fire on
the seat of your pantaloons out. Something might catch alight.
After he has gone, G finally pulls himself free and slaps himself
on the butt.
G: Oh great, a hole burnt in my pants. Of all the days to wear
the hippopotamus underpants... Hmmm...
He examines a note nailed to the tree he hit.
G: Notice Of Public Meeting: 'There will be a meeting Wednesday
evening to discuss the recent occupation of the sacred monkey
head by the ghost pirate LeChuck and the subsequent impact on
the environment and tourist trade. All cannibals welcome to
G heads into the jungle.
Scn 40- Wandering through the bush. Suddenly Herman leaps out
and pounces on Guybrush. They struggle.
G: Hey what? Are you crazy?
H: (releases Guybrush) Oh I'm sorry. My apologies. This only
works with the female ones. I'd forgotten there was more than
one type of human. Haven't thought about men much in my time
here. I saw a ship out in the bay, did you come in that?
H: it looks a lot like a ship I used to own. Where'd you get
G: A guy called Stan.
H: That's where I got mine too! Must be a particular make he
stocks. Course, yours looks a lot older than mine did. Must've
broken the mould.
G: Are you some kind of castaway?
H: No I'm the welcoming man for the local health spa. Course
I'm a castaway. Me and a friend came here looking for the
legendary secret of Monkey Island.
G: That's kind of a silly thing to do. But apparently there's
this movie around that's been putting that fool idea into
H: Well we heard that if we did that, we'd get into a movie.
So my friend says to me 'That garauntees our success! They won't
make a movie about a failed attempt!' Shows what he knew. Seems
the whole movie is a failed attempt-
G: That's enough. Is your friend dead?
H: Yeah. Had an accident while putting up a swing. Are you
G: I'm here to rescue someone.
H: At last! Here I am. You might've been a bit earlier though,
my library fine's probably reached six digits by now.
G: I meant Governor Marley.
H: Oh. I see. Well don't worry about me then. I LIKE it here.
Rain on my head, wind on my back, bugs on my plate-
G: Well I could rescue you too...
H: Oh I wouldn't dream of getting in the way of your precious
G: Seriously, I'll take you with me when I go. But I should
find Marley first. She's in some ghostly underground lair. Are
you the only person on the island?
H: The only civilised one. There's a native tribe of cannibals
but I'm not on speaking terms with them. They're not dangerous,
unless you loan them something.
G: What did you loan them?
H: I lent them my hand-made banana picker and they've decided
not to give it back. As collateral they gave me the key to the
sacred monkey head, but why would I ever want to go in there?
G: Why don't you make another banana picker?
H: It's a matter of principle!
G: Can I have the key?
H: No, I'll need it in case they ever do decide to give me back
my picker. Say, why did my ship never come back for me?
H: When I arrived here and my friend had died, I trained a crew
of chimps to sail the boat back to Melee. They were supposed
to send help back for me... something must've happened to them
and as you got the ship from Stan I imagine he conned it out
G: Why didn't you go back with the monkeys?
H: WEEKS on a boat full of monkeys. Oh joy.
G: So why aren't you wearing any pants? It's scary.
H: I'm a scary kind of guy.
G: OK. Glad we've settled that. I have to go now.
H: So do I. Lot's of pressing business.
As G leaves, he finds another note pinned to a tree.
G: To the ghost pirate LeChuck: We must ask you once again to
curtail your nightly activities in the area of the sacred monkey
head. Decent people are trying to sleep. Kindly keep the noise
down. The Monkey Island canibals. PS. We saw you taking that
woman down there.
He dashes off.
Scn 41- Outside the cannibal village. A note is pinned to a
tree. G reads it.
G: To the Monkey Island cannibals: I don't mind you worshipping
in front of the sacred monkey head which doubles as my home
and secret base of operations but could you please refrain from
leaving messy sacrifices on the porch. Also, please do not
attempt to enter the monkey head, LeChuck.
G enters the village. Fairly cliched, Crude straw/clay huts
and ooga-booga stuff. There is a bowl of bananas in front of
a big stone idol. Noone is around. G looks about, then picks
up two bananas, holsters them in his pockets, draws them, yells
bang and spins them around then blows the smoke off. He pockets
them again and turns around to touch noses with a black man
wearing a big red mask. In single file behind him is a man
wearing a gray mask with big teeth and a man wearing a giant
lemon with eye holes.
Redskull: (lifelessly) Is that a banana in your pocket or are
Sharptooth: Oh please, i think we can give that a miss.
R: (normal) I was thinking the same thing.
G: You're the cannibals aren't you?
R: Yes, although we've been staying away from red meat lately.
For health reasons.
S: Don't think that makes us any less vicious! Especially with
tourists who steal souvineirs! And such dopey souvineirs too!
R: What do you think our concession stand is for? Come on, into
G: Are you going to eat me?
Lemonhead: We could use him to try out my sex change operation
S: I TOLD YOU NO, LEMONHEAD!
L: But Mr Herman said that he might even willingly-
L: Awwww, but this place is boring without any female extras.
G: What would a big lemon do with a woman?
R: It's a culturally symbolic costume you idiot. He can take
S: No he can't, it's his life sentence for offending-
G: Wasn't I being put in a jail sometime?
R: Oh, sorry about the wait sir, right this way.
The cannibals usher G into a little hut and close the door behind
him with two spears lying across it.
R: There, that should hold him.
During the following exchange, G appears from behind the hut
and sidles off.
R: Look, I'm not being squeamish, I'd love to eat him-
S: So lets!
R: But think of your arteries!
S: We're cannials! Our bodies can take that!
R: Cannibals have to watch their saturated fats just like
S: If I eat any more fruit, my head's going to turn into a
L: Hey, don't knock being a giant citrus. I still get around.
G comes back.
R: Ah, the banana thief returns to the scene of the crime.
S: Chow time!
R: Do you have any idea how much cholesterol there is in one
of these things?
G: I came back because I thought someone ought to tell you that
all your huts are frontispieces.
G: Some cheap set designer has screwed you and-
S: Enough of your lies! We were told that this is an authentic
G: You can't eat me, I'm a mighty pirate.
R: That means he will be tough and leathery. Back in jail, we
will feed you a diet to soften you up.
G goes back in the hut and they nail wooden planks across the
R: THAT should do it.
G comes back on.
G: You guys don't get it do you, the door's irrelevant. There's
nothing behind it. I'm telling you, we should storm the people
behind the camera, revolt! Raise the red flag! Refuse to
participate in this ridiculous farce-
R: ENOUGH. Dissident lefties like you belong in jail.
He is put in there again and a big chain drawn across the door.
R: THAT'll do it for sure.
R: You know, how you escape is almst as much of a mystery as
why you keep coming back.
S: The real mystery is why he isn't simmering in carrots right
G: Lemonhead looks like he'd be good in a staring match, I'd
like to try hm.
S: Jail him, before he spreads his agitationist propaganda again!
G is put back in jail and a steel vault door with a monitor
that flashes 'ARMED' is put across it. G comes out again, but
this time avoids the cannibals and leaves the village.
G: I'm not going to get anything out of those clowns right now.
I should go find this sacred monkey head I've read so much about.
If LeChuck lives there, Elaine should be there.
Scn 42- CU of sign.
Sign: PRIVATE PROPERTY. Worshipping is permitted but do not
enter the monkey head. LeChuck.
Pull back to reveal that it is in front of a spiked fence beyond
which is a field of heads on stakes and idols consecrated to
the gigantic monkey head which sits behind them. It is real
flesh and bone, presumably cut off some gigantic monkey.
G: Wow! That's the second biggest monkey head I've ever seen!
There is a note lying on the ground which G reads.
G: To the ghost pirate LeChuck. We must protest your
'acquisition' of our voodoo antiroot. We realise that it
represents a hazard to you and your crew, but this is thievery.
The Monkey Island Cannibals.
He climbs over the fence and inspects the idols. He picks up
one shaped like Sam and Max. He hits it.
G: Take that, you cheap piece of garbage! Hmm, it says 'Made
By Lemonhead' on the bottom. He must've dropped it here. I'd
better return it to him. Maybe that'll patch things up with
Scn 43- The cannibal village. R+S+L are as we left them. G
R: Where have you been? You worried us sick! We nearly sent
out a search party!
G: Oh please don't eat me Mr Cannibal! I'll give you anything!
G: My daughter's hand in marriage and half the royal jewels.
OR, this keen little statue, crafted by mildly legendary comics
artists Steve Purcell himself! It's highly collectible...
R: Hey Lemonhead! Take a look at this, you're the artistic one
L: Ooh. Simple like mine. Small like mine. 'Made By Lemonhead'
like mine. We should devote this to the Great Monkey!
R: I agree! Golly gee, what a super gift!
G: Say, do you fellows happen to have Herman's banana picker?
R: Yes, but if we give it to him, we won't get our monkey key
S: Do you want the banana picker? You can have it, the monkey
key's useless to us anyway now that LeChuck's living in there.
We don't want to go in.
L goes behind a hut.
S: Use the doors Lemonhead.
L sighs, comes back out goes in through the door. Pause.
L: I'm going to have to come out the side, this thing won't
fit through the door.
S: Then knock a hole in our carefully built authentic native
L: Uh, yes OK. (makes banging sound and then emerges with an
extendable hand. He gives it to G. H rushes on)
H: Aha! I knew if I watched you sneaky oogaboogas, you'd break
the fair terms of our deal! That picker isn't yours to give
away to whoever you-
G: Here's your picker Herman.
H: It's not yours to give away either. It's theirs.
G: (hands it to R) Well you give it to him.
R: (folds arms, turns away) I'm not giving anything to HIM.
H: I wouldn't accept it if you did. (pokes tounge)
G: Now fellas I'm sure there's a reasonable way we can work
this out. (suddenly clamps the picker around H's neck and hold
him high up in the air) Gimme the key Herman. Give me the monkey
H gurgles and drops down a man length cotton swab. G drops H,
forces the picker on him and shoves him out of the village,
then takes the swab.
R: Why are you so interested in the monkey key?
G: Don't worry, I won't like, use it or anything. But maybe
you guys can help. I'm looking for somebody.
S: We're the only people on Monkey Island. Well, the only
civilised people. There's also that pantleess wierdo Toothrot.
R: That's all the people living here.
G: The guys I'm looking for aren't living.
R: Oh yeah. Them.
S: You want to find LeChuck and his skeleton crew? Those jerks
have been bugging us for months!
R: Zooming around in their 'look at me I can go through walls'
see-through ship of theirs-
S: Continually 'amazing' us with how it can go on land and fly
and turn invisible and teleport-
G: But can it slim both buttocks and thighs? (pause)
R: All 15 of them, shouting and carrying on...
S: We saw them take a woman down there. 15 men on a live woman's
G: Yes quite.
S: And they've been scaring away the cruise ship business. Like
a dog at the park with pigeons.
R: Normally, when we have problems with the undead we whip up
a batch of ghost wasting potion and have done with it. But the
key ingrediant is a rare root. LeChuck stole the only one we
G: He stole your root? That big old bedwetting doodyhead!
S: And I suppose stealing bananas is morally unassailable?
G: What's he done with the root?
S: We told you, he took her down to-
L: We did that one already.
R: It must be with him, beneath the island, somewhere in the
huge system of catacombs, a hellish place filled with the wailing
of tortured souls trapped in the rock and the air is thick with
the rancid smell of pure evil which tourists once queued for
hours to see.
G: Well I'm off to get that root!
R: It's not that easy. Once inside the head, you're doomed
S: Sssh! Ixnay on the eadhay of the avigatonay!
S: I see he is baffled by our native tounge.
G: Am I just? Oday ouyay avehay aay apmay foway hetay
R: Orrsay. Onay.
G: Come on, I gave you the idol.
L: It was a very nice idol.
R: Well the head of the navigator is a path finding tool.
S: It's a head. It used to be attatched to a guy who came here
with a man called Captain Dread. Wish we'd got Dread, then we
could've made Captain Dead or Captain Head jokes. Sadly they
must remain untold.
R: We kept the head magically alive so we could take advantage
of his innate sense of direction. Getting through the catacombs
without it is impossible. But it's our only one, so you can't
G: I have this leaflet on 'How To Get Ahead In Navigation'.
R: Look at this Sharptooth! It's instructions on how to get
another head! Here, you can have our old one, we'll get a nice
fresh new head.
R hands G a wrinkled head. It is alive and ugly, wearing a
necklace of eyeballs.
R: He's scared to death of LeChuck. Won't do any work unless
he's wearing that necklace which makes him invisible to ghosts.
The necklace also doubles as a handy carry strap, making your
head easily portable.
S: Aw look! He likes you!
R: Come back when you get the root.
The three leave.
G: Hello, Mr Navigator Head.
G: Which way do I go?
N starts to oscillate.
G: I don't think it's picking anything up.
G whacks N a few times.
G: Nope, nothing. I'll need to get closer.
Scn 44- The sacred monkey. G approaches one of its ears and
inserts the swab and wriggles it around.. The mouth opens and
the tounge rolls out like red carpet. G enters.
Scn 45- He climbs down a spine ladder. It is dark and red down
here. Narrow rock bridges criss cross everywhere over the lava
river which flows by. G takes out N. N sniffs the air.
N: (nods at a tunnel) That way.
G enters the tunnel.
Scn 46- G stands on a rocky precipice. A rough track leads down
to LeChuck's pirate ship which is docked on the lava river.
G: You know, I think I could've done that without you.
N: That was a transition, idiot, I just led you through a whole
maze of caves.
G: Oh sorry. Thanks.
G puts N away and heads down to the ship.
Scn 47- The deck of the ship. The first mate and assorted other
pirates are standing about.
MaTe: Alright lads, LeChuck's given the order! Prepare to go
Skeleton pirates rush about busily. Eventually, fuss clears
to reveal a band has formed and a limbo bar has been set up.
Limbo music plays. A sksleton approaches the bar, removes his
ribcage and walks under it.
Mate: Hey, no fair!
G: Excuse me, is this the lido deck?
Everyone stares at him. He sprints away. The party resumes.
Scn 48- The precipice again. G pulls out N.
G: May I please have that necklace?
N: No, I'm naked without it.
G: Redskull says it makes you invisible to ghosts, I need it
to sneak on board the ship!
G: Maybe I'll just take it.
N: Maybe you'd regret it.
G: What are you going to do? Bite me?
N: That's right, bite me. Don't make me hurt you.
G: Don't make me dropkick you into the lava.
N: Hey, what good's a necklace anyway when you dont have
G takes the eyeball necklace from N and dons it, then puts N
Scn 49- The ship again. The party is in full swing. G tiptoes
through them and descends an open hatch.
Scn 50- He is in the ship's hold. Ghost pigs and chickens are
eating feed and you can see it go trough them.
G: I wonder what ghost pig bacon is like?
His attention is caught by an important looking glowing crate,
which is chained, glued, stapled, taped, nailed etc shut. G
peeks through a slat.
G: I can see the root! But how to get it out... (pause, then
lifts the cage up, revealing it has no bottom. he takes the
root that is sitting there)
Spinning G head fills the frame then recedes.
Scn 51- G is in the cannibal village.
N: That was to make sure you didn't the miss the transition
that time. You're a little slow on the uptake.
G: Gee thanks. (yells) Yo cannibals! I got the root!
Silently, the three troupe out, take the root and march back
off. G waits. After a pause, a three headed monkey sidles out
from behind a hut.
G: I'd love to have you stuffed. You'd be such a cool candelabra.
The monkey leaves and the cannibals return. R hands G a six
pack of soda cans.
R: There it is. Each one can only be used once. Shake well,
point at ghost and pull tab.
L: And if you end up with some left over after your adventure,
it goes great with icecream.
G: Well gee, I'm not sure I want to waste it on defeating LeChuck
S: 17th century icecream ain't so hot, you're not missing out
R: We're in the 17th century?
G: Sounds like an appropriately piratey time. Well, bye guys.
Thanks for all you've done.
S: No problem. Let's just make sure we get our mugs into the
sequel kay? I'll be pretty cheesed if you don't (freeze frame)
Voiceover: A hilarious joke has just been made, but it'll only
make sense once the third film in this series has been completed.
As our focus groups confidently inform us that that won't ever
happen, we'll explain it now. You see, the cannibals won't be
in the next film, but they'll be in the third. But Guybrush
just promised them they would be in the second, so when they
meet up in the third movie, Sharptooth will be 'cheesed off'
exactly as he said, for there's this incident involving cheese-
G: Alright, alright, who turned on the director's commentary?
I can't stand that drivel!
R: Worst thing about these DVD movies.
S: See you in that sequel.
G: And don't forget... you'll be 'cheesed off' when next we
S: I'll remember.
Scn 51- The precipice overlooking LeChuck's hideout. The boat
is gone. The first mate stands by himself on the cliff.
Mate: You again? We don't have a lido deck!
G: Particularly balmy weather down here for an indoors place
isn't it? Perhaps I'll cool you off with some nice wet GHOST
M: Wait! If you're after LeChuck, I can tell you where he and
the others are!
G: OK, tell me and then I'll zap you.
M: You don't talk to other people often do you?
G: I won't not not promise to avoid refraining from not hurting
M: They've all left for the wedding.
G: Wedding? LeChuck and Elaine? But how- I mean, he's a ghost,
he probably has trouble exerting his- hang on, why are you still
M: You saw some of our stag night party. I ended up doing a
juggling routine and my head went overboard. While I was fishing
around in the lava for it, LeChuck decided he couldn't wait
any longer and set sail for Melee Island.
G: Oh man, I'm tired of chasing her about everywhere. Not worth
it anymore. So I guess it's either you or Herman to be my true
M: Sorry, any kind of relationship with me constitutes
necrophilia and is thus illegal.
H: And why does he get chosen ahead of me? It's because I'm
fatter than he is, isn't it?
G: How did you get down here without a head?
M: Too late Herms, you've missed the wedding boat.
H: No prob, we'll take my ship!
G: You have a ship? Great!
H: Why, don't you?
G: Whaddya mean, you saw me sink it with- Oh no, that scene
was too expensive to film wasn't it? But if you had a ship,
why are you still here?
H: Because I wanted to be rescued, to feel special that someone
cared enough to do that for me. (getting weepy) Is that so much?
Is that too much to ask and need?
G: Go make friends with the cannibals before we leave.
H: OK. Don't leave without me.
H leaves and Carla, Meathook and Otis arrive.
G: And how did YOU get down here without a head?
C: I'm sorry?
G: You seem to be lacking a head.
N: He means me.
Meathook: Why is your tummy talking?
Roger: Maybe he got a tattoo.
G: Let's get back to Melee.
O: Hey ghostguy, wanna join us on our quest?
G: That sunbathing quest? I don't think he'll tan very well.
M: No, but I bleach just fine, thank you very much.
Scn 52- G is on the Melee village docks. It's night again.
Caption: Part Four
Guybrush Kicks Butt
G: I wish the others hadn't been so eager to restock their suntan
lotion supply. Now I'll have to stop the wedding by myself!
He is blocked by a spectre guarding the docks.
Spectre: Where's your invitation?
G: I'm a gatecrasher.
S: Correct answer, pirates don't do invitations. But you don't
look very ghostlike to me.
G: I suffer from a rare skin pigmentation disorder syndrome
S: Well, you don't sound like a ghost...
S: Where's your ghostly smell of rot and decay?
G: Just let me get my shoes off-
S: Let's see you detach your head.
G: How bout I detach yours?
G pops a can and tosses the contents on the spectre. He melts
away. He blows the smoke off the can.
G: Watch out Shinetop! There's a new sheriff in town and his
name is- whoops, I got a wedding to stop.
Smirk leans out of his house.
Smirk: That's the worst corruption of Guybrush Threepwood I've
heard yet and you did it yourself!
Scn 53- G bursts into a church. A ghoul priest is conducting
the ceremony. LeChuck and Elaine (in bridal dress) are at the
altar, their backs to us.
G: Stop the wedding!
L turns to reveal a silly carnation on his chest. Strangely,
E doesn't turn.
G walks up to LeChuck. Elaine runs in.
L: Elaine? What's going on?
G: Brother, I ain't stopped asking myself that one all day-
E: Guybrush you mad fool! It's great you came to rescue me but
I had everything under control! Your arrival is a spanner in
the works. It was easy to escape. Some of LeChuck's crew were
friends of mine when alive and they ALL like Pauly Shore movies
more than him.
L: Now let's not say things we can't take back.
G: Hang on- If you're not in the bridal dress... and I'm not
in the bridal dress... then who's in the bridal dress?
E: I'd arranged a little surprise for LeChuck when it came time
to kiss the bride.
She pulls the dress off to reveal too monkeys standing on each
other. The top one holds a can like G's.
E: They've got my ghost zapping potion all ready.
G: I'll get it!
G blunders up to the monkeys and they run away.
E: Fool! I gotta get it back. Stall LeChuck.
E leaves. Pause.
L: So... (pause)
G: How's things?
L: Can't complain, but I do.
G: Fancy your chances against me in our upcoming avataristic
clash of malicious, vile evil and relatively harmless evil?
L: You'll never defeat me! I can't believe your audacity!
G: Well I can't believe your stupidity!
L: I can't believe your friviolity!
G: I can't believe your enormity!
L: I can't believe your alacrity!
G: I can't believe your mobility!
L: I can't believe your fragility!
G: I can't believe it's not butter! Take THIS you vapourous
voodoo vermin! You'll never menace decent angible pirates again
you big bloated bilious bulbous billowing blistering blue bag
of... something that begins with B!
G whips out a can and pulls on the tab.
G: Darn these short nails... (it snaps) Oh no! I broke it! And
I can't use the others because I need to save some to try with
L: How do you plan to stop me now?
G: With my spear and magic helmet. Must be going, I'm double
L punches G in the face as hard as he can with a super sized
morphy ghost fist. G flies through the roof of the church.
Scn 54- Stan's shipyard. G falls from the sky and plunges through
the top of the Grog machine. Stan emerges from his office in
Chinaman gear. The sign has had a D pasted over the ST so it
reads 'DAN'S PREVIOUSLY OWNED VESSELS'.
LeChuck levitates down to the ground and S approaches him.
S: Herro, I am Dan, immiglant flom China, just allived today
and I have never- I mean nevel heald of this Guyblush Thleepwood
ol any boats with jib boald hurrs with barsa flames-
L punches S away. L then pushes the coin return on the grog
machine. A pile of root beer bottles slide out, followed by
Guybrush. He is dazed and stands wobbling on his feet with a
root beer bottle in his mouth. L swings his fist for a killing
blow, but G wobbles back out of reach, the fist connects with
the bottle and the bottle is sent flying into the air, the lid
popping off. It spins around, spilling its contents all over
LeChuck. Suddenly he looks immensely uncomfortable. He makes
pained distress noises, swells up, trembles and then explodes.
His head comes off and rockets up into the sky while his body
disintegrates. A moment later, his beard falls to earth
wriggling. G picks it up.
G: A good souvinier.
E: How do you feel now that it's all over?
G: Ticked off. I just discovered that my whole trip was
pointless. If I'd waited here on Melee you would've returned
for the wedding and I didn't even need to get the potion from
the cannibals. It's just root beer. AND I never found out the
secret of Monkey Island.
E: Yes... that did seem to get lost in the mix didn't it?
G: Ah, the secret of Monkey Island is probably just some dumb
gag anyway. Those things are never as funny as the hype suggests.
The two stand side by side and look up at the colourful
pyrotechnics in the sky.
G: You know, it's funny... LeChuck was a deviant, obnoxious,
slithery creepy crawly guy... but he sure looks nice exploding
against the night sky.
E: Shall we share a root beer?
G: Ooh, don't make me sick. When I was in Stan's machine- Say
I wonder where Stan's got to?
Scn 55- The circus tent interior.
Alfredo: No, I'LL try it next!
Bill: No, I'LL try it next!
Stan falls through the roof and lands in the cannon.
A: Howa nicea. A volunteer.
Scn 56- Herman on the beach of Monkey Island.
H: I wonder where that pirate friend of mine has gotten to.
I hope he didn't leave without me...
Scn 57- E+G at Stan's.
G: At least I learnt something from this... never pay over $10
for a movie ticket.
Scn 58- Otis in jail.
O: I'm telling you, I didn't steal that note from the
Scn 59- The cannibals fussing over the leaflet.
R: Right, first we make sure the portside ballast is adjacent
to the starboard boatswain. What's ballast?
L: Isn't it that thing with slippers and tutus?
S: How exactly is this supposed to end up in a severed head?
Scn 60- Matthew Kelly sitting in a chair by a fireplace. His
head is suddenly sliced off, without gore.
Voiceover: And so, the movie ends up with a severed head, meaning
that there'll be some very happy cannibals in the old film
tonight. And some very disturbed small children.
G comes on.
G: Thanks for watching folks! Remember, if you had half as much
fun watching this as I had making it, I enjoyed it twice as
much as you! Lashed! And if you got paid twice as much for
watching this film as I did for making it, you've been had.
Matthew Kelly's Head: Nice one Guybrush. The perfect closing
words for a film, just the sort of image we want, 'you've been