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Return to Monkey Island
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Part II: Map, ship and crew…again!
When Guybrush awoke, he found himself on the galley floor of his ship. He groaned and yawned.
“I sure hope the voodoo spell worked,” he mumbled. He groggily rose to his feet and wandered up to the deck. The salty sea-wind woke him up completely. “Ahh!” he sighed, “Nothing like waking up to the open ocean!” Then he saw an island on the horizon, getting closer by the minute, and his heart jumped for joy. “Plunder Island.” Guybrush smiled. “I’m one step closer to saving my wife and the Caribbean.”
As Guybrush walked down the gangplank to the Plunder Island docks, he noticed something strange. The once empty island was almost completely packed with tourists!
“Whoa!” cried Guybrush. “Last time I was here, I was the only tourist! I wonder what’s happened.” He walked up the long, stone steps into Plunder Islands capital, and only, city Puerto Pollo.
“Hello there, fine sir,” a young voice cried from behind him. “Welcome to Puerto Pollo, home of the Caribbean-wide famous take-away restaurant: Kenny’s!”
Guybrush spun around. There sat a mischievous looking child of around nine years of age behind a large stand. His name was Kenny Falmouth. He was sitting under a large yellow sign that read ‘Kenny’s’.
Kenny grinned. “Can I be of service to you, sir?”
Guybrush frowned. He had been tricked by Kenny last time he was here. “What are you flogging this time, Kenny?”
“I’m selling flame-grilled cow meat, soaked in pure lard and pressed between two seeded buns. I call it the ‘Large Ken’,” Kenny said with a huge unmoving smile. “But for two nickels extra you’ll get lowly-acidic rum and several grease soaked, fried potatoes cut into small rectangles for easier eating or RFP’s (rectangular fried potatoes). I call the whole thing a Large Ken Meal.”
“Eww! That’s disgusting! Who in their right mind would want to eat that?” Guybrush shuttered. Kenny frowned.
“Ever since that chicken shop over there,” Kenny jerked his thumb towards a large building called ‘Blondebeard’s Chicken Shoppe’. “Got done up and hired a few more people, pirates have been flocking over there instead of here.”
“So what happened to your cannon business?” asked Guybrush.
“Oh that. I sold all of the cannons to build ‘Kenny’s’. The cannon business didn’t go so well anyway, after some guy went around destroying my customers’ ships. They all came back demanding for a refund.” he sighed and held his head in his hands. “If you’re not going to buy anything, get lost!”
Guybrush walked off singing “Whether you’re poor or whether you’re rich, you’ve got to know: payback’s an itch.”
Guybrush walked over to the other side of town. He passed a large theater that displayed a large sign reading: ‘Spear II: The Opera.’ He thought about going inside and having a look. “Nah. Better not.” he decided. “‘Spear’ was bad enough!”
Guybrush came to a barber’s shop called ‘The Barbery Coast’. He walked in. The shop was packed with tourists lined up for a haircut. A barber inside named Edward Van Helgan looked up from cutting a lady’s hair and began, “Welcome patron, to the Bar-! Captain Threepwood! Bill! Look who it is!”
“Can’t. Busy.” a short, bald barber named Cutthroat Bill grunted.
Van Helgan smiled and said, “How was the honeymoon? Is your wife here with you?”
Guybrush smiled back. “The honeymoon was great. But I was going to ask you about my wife. Have you seen her?”
Van Helgan shook his head. “I’m afraid that we wouldn’t know. We haven’t been outside for two weeks, ever since the recent tourist boom.”
Guybrush looked around the crowded room. “Hey? Where’s Haggis?” he asked.
Bill choked and Van Helgan sighed sadly. “I’m afraid that our most skilled and fastest barber has left us and began a new business. If Haggis was still here, we would have finished all these customers’ haircuts weeks ago.”
Bill growled and snapped, “If you want a haircut, Threepwood, then get in line with the others.”
“Bill gets a little touchy when someone brings up you-know-who.” Van Helgan whispered.
“Where can I find Hag- I mean you-know-who?” Guybrush whispered back.
“He lives in the old swamp, where the voodoo priestess once lived.”
“Get on with it!” the lady Van Helgan was working on snapped.
Van Helgan apologized to the lady and said, “I’m afraid we can’t talk at the moment. Please come back when the crowd dies down.”
Guybrush left the Barbery Coast and headed towards the swamp.
When he arrived, he found that the murky swamp had been replaced by newly laid and cut lawn with large hedges. The grass had small holes dug it in certain places with little flags beside every hole. Each little flag had its own number painted on it. Several tourists were hitting small white stones into the holes with strange looking sticks. The large ship/house in the middle of the swamp had been re-varnished and all its rotting wood had been replaced with fine timber. Just in front of Guybrush, there was a small bridge with a sign above it that read: ‘Haggis’s Putt (members only)’. Guybrush crossed the bridge and walked up to the house.
The house was filled with fine furniture and shiny bronze trophies lined the walls. A deep, thick accented voice boomed across the house. “Well, if it isn’t my friend, Capt’n Threepwood. Aye ‘aven’t seen ya fah years no’.” On the other side of the room sat Haggis MacMutton. He was dressed in baggy tartan pants, a baggy white shirt, and a tartan cap.
“Haggis!” Guybrush smiled. “It’s good to see you again. But down to business, have you seen Elaine?”
“Elaine? Oh aye! I saw ye lass ‘ere yesterday. She was righ’ ‘ere in this ‘ouse. She asked me ‘erself if I could join her crew to go on some quest to find some Capt’n’s treasure.”
Guybrush gasped, “Captain Scurvy’s hidden locker!”
“Yeah, thah’s it. But I told her, “I cannah come with ya for aye haf ta see after mah course” I told her. She understood. Aye. Nice lass.”
“‘What do you mean by a course, Haggis?”
Haggis laughed. “I mean by a golf course, Threepwood.”
Guybrush was confused. “Golf?”
“Aye. I ‘ad an idea while aye was working back at thah Barbery Coast. You see, what if you ‘ad a small, perfectly round stone and a large stick with a flat, round rock on it and you haf tah hit thah stone across a flat piece of ground into a hole while wearing a fancy outfit like mah own.”
“So that’s what you do to win the game.” Guybrush asked.
“Aye.” Haggis replied.
“Just once? Is that it?”
“No. Eighteen times.”
“Okay. So how did you manage to start this place up?” Guybrush asked curiously.
“Well, you see, an Australian Land developer came wand’ring up to Puerto Pollo and he was askin’ a lot of the town folk ‘bout how many people we get ‘ere during the year and ‘ow much money goes around. When we told ‘im, he was shocked. He said thah he knew how tah make Plundah Island tourist central and he drew up some plans. I told ‘im ‘bout mah idea and he said thah it was great.” Haggis beamed.
“Ozzie Mandrill came here!” Guybrush interrupted.
“Yeah. Thah’s ‘is name. Anyway, he gave me a huge amount o’ money to start off. No’ mah business is thah most well paid on the island. Thah Mandrill fellow said he’d be back with a contract thah’d make me the richest man in the Caribbean.” Haggis frowned.
“He ‘asn’t been back yet, though.”
“So, do you if Elaine is still on the island.”
“No, she left s’mornin’. She said she was off tah Spamme Island TM,” said Haggis, pointing to a navigational map on the wall behind him.
“Okay. I’ll need a map and a crew to get there, since I already have a ship. Thanks Haggis. I’ll be seeing you,” said Guybrush as he walked out the door.
As Guybrush walked into town, he decided to check out the new and improved Blondebeard’s Chicken Shoppe. Inside, it was as packed with more tourists than in the Barbery Coast. “Does anyone here want to join my crew to find hidden treasure?” Guybrush shouted. The tourist just laughed. “Guess not.” he moaned, disappointed.
He left the Chicken Shoppe and went around the back to a door with the words “Staff only!” painted across it. Guybrush pushed open the door and walked in. Inside were two people busily working. One was frying chicken in a vat and the other was filling paper cups with grog from a barrel.
“This job stinks,” said the one frying chicken, who was a rather grumpy looking girl with short black hair.
“Just be thankful that we have a job, Yangja,” said the one filling cups, who was a rather tough yet dumb looking man who was bald and had an eye patch.
“Yangja…Where have I heard that name before? And why do these guys look so familiar?” wondered Guybrush.
Just then, Yangja whirled around and said, “Hey! Can’t you read? The sign said…Ooooh!” Her mouth fell open. “Mungle, look!” she said to the man.
Mungle turned around. “What is it, Yangja? Oh!” he gasped.
Guybrush backed away, stuttering, “Uh. Okay. What did I do?” The two stared at Guybrush for a while and then burst out laughing! Guybrush was furious. “What! Do I have something on my face?”
“Well, well, well. If it isn’t Guybrush, the mighty pirate dunce.” Yangja finally gasped.
Guybrush frowned. “Hey, I may be a dunce but at least I’m a mighty- Hey! Now I recognize you two. You’re Mungle and Yangja, from the Pirate Transmogrification School on Knutton Atoll! So, this is where you two failures ended up. Frying burgers in Blondebeard’s. Tsk, tsk!” said Guybrush, shaking his head.
“Well, what job did you get, then?” asked Mungle.
“Well, I’m a mighty pirate captain,” said Guybrush proudly. Yangja and Mungle looked at each other and burst out laughing again.
“Yeah right, and I’m Blondebeard!” laughed Mungle.
Guybrush glared at Mungle. “No, really. How would you two like to join my new pirate crew, on a quest to find Captain Scurvy’s hidden locker?”
The two just continued laughing.
Yangja managed to choke, “We can’t anyway. Were too busy! The tourists make it very hard to have holidays or breaks.”
Just then, Blondebeard himself called from the dining room, “You two best be stopping that laughing or I’ll have your jobs!” Mungle and Yangja shut up immediately and went back to work.
Guybrush walked over to Mungle. “Hey, Mungle, buddy! How about that Largozard Pirateman card you said you’d give me?” he said, poking Mungle in the ribs.
Mungle grimaced and whispered, “Not now Guybrush. I’m busy.”
But Guybrush wasn’t going to give up that easily. “Oh, come on! Join my crew, please!”
“I’ll give you this…rock!”
Mungle growled. “Look. If you go away, I’ll give you this cup of grog.” He held up a cup.
“Okay.” said Guybrush, taking the paper cup and putting it away. Then Guybrush walked over to Yangja. “So, Yangja. Whatcha doin’?”
Yangja said nothing.
“What? Are we afraid to talk to little old Guybrush? You’re not even looking at me. Uh! Does Yangja have a crush on wittle Guybrush? Hmmm?” Yangja spun around, glared Guybrush in the eyes and shoved a chicken leg in his mouth. “Mmm ayk af a ghunin awoo brmmb.” he choked, pulling the chicken leg from his mouth and putting it away.
So, Guybrush left Blondebeard’s and wandered towards the old fort to see if Mandrill had knocked it down yet.
On his way past Kenny’s, Kenny stopped him and said, “Hey mister! As a promotion for my new Kenny Meal, that’s a Large Ken Meal with a toy for the little buccaneers, I’m giving away these prank toys for free.” He shoved a small box into Guybrush’s hands. “Now, go tell your friends about it.”
“So Ken, how would you like to join my pirate crew on a quest to find a chest of priceless jewels and diamonds?” asked Guybrush.
“Only if you can get me a few customers.”
Suddenly, Guybrush had a wonderful idea.
“Hey Kenny! Remember me?” he asked innocently.
Kenny looked at Guybrush as if he was and idiot. “Yes mister, I saw you five seconds ago.”
Guybrush laughed and said, “No Kenny. Before that, around a year ago.”
“Look mister, I see over twenty people a da-!”
“Think back, remember this: Winners never cheat, cheaters never win.”
Kenny scrunched up his face. “Unhg! Why does that ring a bell?”
Guybrush grinned. “Look over there! A three headed monkey!”
“Arrgh! Stop messing with my head!”
“Okay Kenny. I’ll say it; I was the one who switched your bottomless mug for a real one.”
Kenny went bright red in the face. “You! I thought I recognized you from somewhere! You where the one that put me out of the lemonade business!”
“Yes, and you’re T-47 cannon is really good for going around and destroying your customers ships.” stated Guybrush.
“Hey! That means that it was you who put me out of the cannon business also! You miserable bast-!”
“Sure, Kenny, sure. One minute, I have to eat my chicken.” Guybrush said, pulling out the chicken leg and began chomping on it hungrily. Kenny growled and heaved a Large Ken at Guybrush. It landed with a splat on Guybrush’s face. He pulled it off and put it away. “See you Kenny!” he called as he ran away.
Guybrush ducked back into Blondebeard’s Chicken. As usual, it was packed with tourists. Guybrush yelled at the top of his lungs, “They’re giving toys away at Kenny’s with every Kenny Meal!”
The tourists looked at Guybrush for a moment. Then, half of them tore out the door. The remanding tourists just stayed where they were, mumbling something about going after they had finished eating. But that wasn’t a problem for Guybrush. He wandered over to Blondebeard, who was standing behind the counter.
“Welcome to Blondebeard’s Chicken Shoppe. What can I do for you today?” Blondebeard asked.
“Hey Blondebeard! How would you like to join a crew to find Captain Scurvy’s hidden locker?” said Guybrush.
Blondebeard’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. “Captain Scurvy’s hidden locker?! But that’s impossible to find!”
“Hey! Finally, someone who actually knows about it!” sighed Guybrush. “Please! Could you tell me a little about the treasure?”
“All right. Long ago, on a distant island, the evil ghost-pirate LeChuck unleashed unspeakable evil! Then, a foolish boy welding a sharp tongue stepped forward to oppose him…”
“Hey!” cried Guybrush. “That’s my story!”
“Oops!” Blondebeard slapped his forehead. “Sorry. Okay, there once was a mighty pirate captain named Roger Scurvy who went from island to island, collecting the most precious diamonds and jewels that he could find. Then, he buried the treasure somewhere on Spamme Island and hid a clue somewhere else on the island. The island has been searched many times but the treasure or clue hasn’t been found. So, the locals believe that the legend is merely a legend.”
Guybrush raised his eyebrows. “Wow. So, what if I just happened to get hold of the location of the treasure, or the clue?”
“Then, maybe I’ll be coming with you. But at the moment, I can’t.” laughed Blondebeard.
“Oh darn! Why?” moaned Guybrush, kicking over a stool. He meant to look like he was mad, but it made him look like he was having a tantrum.
Blondebeard sighed. “Because these tourists spend over five thousand pieces of eight a day and with that kind of dough, I’ll be richer than ol’ Scurvy himself! But, if I ever went out of business, which I probably won’t, I’d join you.”
That gave Guybrush an idea.
He went round the back and went into the kitchen. Mungle and Yangja were to busy working to notice him. So, Guybrush pulled out the Large Ken he had obtained, removed the slice of meat and squeezed all the fat, blood and mayonnaise into the large barrel Mungle was using to mix the drinks. “Icky!”
Then, he dropped the remaining Large Ken into the vat the chicken was frying in. Luckily, Yangja was to busy putting the chicken in boxes to notice. Then, he snuck out and headed for Haggis’s.
“Haggis, I want your map of Spamme!” Guybrush demanded.
“Sure ya do, Guybrush.” Haggis said, not very surprised. “Most pirates are wantin’ it.”
“So, can I have it?”
“Aye, but first you must best me at golf. It’s mah rule.”
Guybrush moaned and said, “No! Not another one of your dumb games again!”
Haggis shook his head. “You mus’ play mah game to yet thah map.”
“All right, but I go first!”
After about ten minutes, Guybrush found that he was losing badly. He was still trying to get his stone in the first hole while Haggis was on the fifteenth. A couple of minutes later, Haggis walked over to Guybrush. “Well Guybrush. I think it’s safe to say; you cannah play golf.” he said, shaking his head.
“Just give me five more minutes!” Guybrush whined. Haggis shook his head.
“Sorry, but I haf already finished. Aye mus’ say, I never lose because aye haf buried a wee silver coin in every hole to give me luck.” Haggis said, packing up his clubs.
“I wanna rematch!” he demanded. Haggis sighed.
“An’ what makes you think thah yall get any better?”
“Um, all this practice?”
Haggis sighed again and began to unpack his clubs. As he did so, Guybrush had a quick look at the box Kenny gave him. Then, he had an idea.
“I cannah believe it!” cried Haggis, as Guybrush knocked his ball into the eighteenth hole. “You didn’t miss a shot! You won!”
Guybrush grinned. “Well, I guess it was all that practice.” he said, pulling his ball out of the hole. He tossed the ball over to Haggis and demanded, “Can I have my map piece now?”
Guybrush walked away from Haggis’s with a huge grin and the map of Spamme Island. He pulled out the box Kenny gave him. “Magnetic golf ball, the ultimate golf prank.” And he tossed the box into the thick jungle. “Got to destroy my evidence.”
As he wandered into Puerto Polo, he noticed a large line in front of Kenny’s.
“Just as I planned.” he said. “Now to get me a crew.”
Back in Blondebeard’s Chicken Shoppe, Blondebeard was bawling in the middle of his empty restaurant and Mungle and Yangja tried to comfort him. When Blondebeard saw Guybrush he said, “It looks like I can join your crew now, I’ve lost all my customers and money.”
“How?” asked Guybrush innocently.
Blondebeard began to sob, “Well, they were all eating their chicken and sipping there drinks as usual, when they all started gagging and choking. They said that the food tasted horrible and all demanded their money back!” And he burst into tears again. “It’s all these two scurvy scallywags fault. They must have poisoned the food because I didn’t pay them enough.”
Yangja and Mungle looked shocked. “No sir, we’d never!” they cried.
Blondebeard stopped crying and said to Guybrush, “Well, at least we can join your crew and find Captain Scurvy’s hidden locker now!”
Mungle and Yangja looked at each other and said, “What do you mean by ‘we’?
Blondebeard glared at them. “The captain and I will need all the hands we can get, so you two are coming as well!”
“Great!” cried Guybrush. “Now I have all the crew I need!”
Yangja began to protest, but Mungle stopped her.
“We’ll be on your ship in half an hour,” he said.