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Return To Monkey Island
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Part I: When in the Caribbean, do as the pirates do
"Go on, Dad, please continue," said little Timmy, his eyes filled with excitement. Guybrush sighed and continued.
"And so I marched into the church and there was LeChuck. I said, ’Surrender, LeChuck!’ And he said-“
" ‘Oh, please, Guybrush don' hurt me.’ Yes, dear, I know you like to tell the children stories, but it's time for bed." Guybrush whizzed around in his chair to see his darling wife, Elaine, standing in the doorway of the children's room.
"Quite right," said Carla bossily. "We Governor’s need our rest!" She blew out her candle and ducked under the covers. Elaine laughed went over and kissed her on the cheek. Timmy was hanging onto every word.
"Come on Timmy," Elaine said, "into bed." Timmy groaned and sank under his covers; Elaine kissed him, too and blew out his candle. Guybrush stood up and smiled at his two children. They were twins and they were five years old.
Timmy was fanatical about pirates. He always wore ripped trousers, a scarf round his head and a belt, which held his sword. Carla was sensible and bossy. She spent time with Elaine at meetings and wanted to become the next Governor of Booty Island. Guybrush told the kids his amazing life, but as a story. LeChuck and all his adventures were kept as a story. They did not have to know. Guybrush thought happily about his memories and shut the doors behind him.
Elaine was sorting out the post when Guybrush came downstairs; most were hers because being the Governor meant having a great responsibility. As Guybrush sat down knackered in his chair, Elaine looked at one oddly green coloured letter and said, "This one's for you, dear." She tossed the letter over and Guybrush opened it feeling as though he had seen this letter before.
As he opened it, a gush of green smoke engulfed him. A familiar mystic voice rang out. "Guybrush, this is the Voodoo Lady calling from Mêlée Island. I need you to run an urgent errand for me. Please come, quickly. Farewell." The smoke cleared, and Guybrush looked down at his lap, the envelope was still there but it was empty.
"So you'll be off to Mêlée now?" Elaine said, stiffly. Guybrush looked up at Elaine and grinned.
"I suppose," Guybrush said.
"Send Grandpa my love," Elaine said, and disappeared up the stairs. Guybrush stared, shook his head and left.
Booty Town had changed a bit; the grass was now replaced with a stone street. Stan's place had been replaced with a bar called Flamin' Joes and Booty Boutiques was open again. All the regular pirate shops had been re-opened again, places like; “Pirate Programmes: When to attack and when not to”, “Grog Shop”, “Waistcoats and Wenches” and many others. The old Spit-Master could be seen sitting glumly on a wooden post in the square. However, Guybrush ignored this and went straight to the small harbour. The wooden harbour had so many cannonball holes; the citizens replaced it with a stone one, with nice glass covered sitting areas. Many fine elegant ships lay docked. Guybrush approached the harbourmaster's shack and leaned on the desk. There was no one inside, a few maps hung from the wall and a brochure stack with brochures of glass bottom boat tours were sitting on the desk.
"Well, well, well! Guybrush Threepwood--didn't expect to see you here," said a voice from behind Guybrush. He whizzed around to see a woman with blonde hair, a green waistcoat, a green hat and a purple scarf round her neck. Guybrush recognised her instantly.
"Captain Kate! I haven't seen you in years! What have you been doing with yourself in all this time?" Guybrush gasped.
"Well," Captain Kate started, "I decided to try out those bottom glass boat tours for myself, however it was a disaster. Some pirates on a ship called The Sea Cucumber attacked our ship and sunk it."
Guybrush nodded anxiously.
"So I ended up here running this harbour and selling some of the finest ships ever sailed," she smiled.
"I need a ship!" Guybrush said.
"Well, we standard our ships, the finest at top and the not so good at the bottom," she said. Guybrush, sensing expenses, decided to go for the lower standard. Captain Kate led Guybrush past the elegant galleons and the big ships to a blue one, right at the end of the harbour. It was a normal ship, but blue all over. Several rusty cannons poked out of their holes and a great blue banana hung from the bow mast in the front of the ship.
"This is the Blue Banana. It's quite a good ship, and it’s yours for 500 Booty pounds," she said, smiling. Guybrush was sure even Elaine didn't have that much money. Saying he'd return with the money and a crew, he rushed off back to town.
Guybrush wondered how he would get 500 Booty pounds. He walked into Flamin' Joes to look for ideas.
" Problems, Mr Threepwood?" asked Joe. The bar was hardly full. A few pirates sat talking normally and a cannibal sat in a far corner. The bar was fairly big; it had a few orange and red painted tables, like the walls. A few barrels of chillies and spices lay here and there. The main bar
was circular with great barrels stocked behind it.
“Yeah, Joe," Guybrush sighed. "I need 500 Booty pounds to buy a ship."
"I would give you that amount, Mr Threepwood, but I hardly have one Booty pound to rub together," Joe said kindly.
"Anybody new in town?" Guybrush asked.
"Well, there was this one guy, " Joe said." Brilliant at Insult Gin Rumee, emptied nearly every pirates' pocket in town. Then there's that strange cannibal," he said, pointing to the cannibal in the corner. Guybrush thought he looked very familiar. He left the bar and went over to the cannibal. Suddenly, Guybrush recognized him--it was Lemonhead! Guybrush sat down next to
"Lemonhead, what are you doing here? Why aren't you on Blood Island?" Guybrush asked.
"I was chosen to make intertribal peace with the citizens and pirates of the many islands." Lemonhead sighed. "But my ship got damaged in a storm and sank. That's why I'm stuck here."
"Great!" Guybrush said. "You could join my crew to go to Mêlée Island!"
"Well, I haven't been there yet," Lemonhead said. "And I'll do anything to get off this island, so yes, I'll join."
"Meet me at the harbour in an hour, okay?" smiled Guybrush. He stood up waved farewell to Joe and exited the bar. Guybrush thought about how to get the money when he bumped into someone.
"Look where you’re going," growled the person. Guybrush looked up to see a tall man, with a grey vest, an eye-patch, grey hair, a scar over his other eye. He smoked a cigar.
"Captain Smirk?" Guybrush gasped, astonished. It was, and his pockets were bulging with coins.
"Yeah, who are you?" Smirk growled.
"I'm Guybrush Threepwood, one of your apprentices about…er, nine yearsago."
"Of course! How can I forget a stupid name like that?!" Smirk cried.
"Well, what can I do for you, Driftpood?" Smirk said.
"Threepwood. Well, I need another crewmate to sail to Mêlée Island and I thought-" Guybrush said.
"-I'd want to join you, well I'll join if…" Smirk started.
"Yes?" Guybrush said nervously.
"IF YOU BEAT ME IN INSULT GIN RUMEE!!!" he shouted, and then howled with laughter.
"Okay, "Guybrush said. Smirk stopped laughing and grinned at Guybrush.
"You do realise, of course, that I've emptied the pockets of every pirate on this island?" Smirk smiled.
"Not every pirate," Guybrush said.
"Alright, but I'll bet all my money you won't win, so at that bar in fifteen minutes?" Smirk said.
"Deal!" Guybrush said, shaking Smirk's hand and rushing off to the harbour.
When Guybrush arrived at the shack, Captain Kate was talking to a man with long hair, a torn shirt and a big red hat. Guybrush knew that it was Captain Dread. They were engaged in conversation about ships.
"Hello, Captain Dread," Guybrush said, waving. "Why aren't you doing your ferry rides?"
"Because that moron, Augustus Watt, sunk his ship by accident," Captain Kate answered.
"Yes," Captain Dread agreed. "I'd gladly get off this island for a while!"
"You could join my crew!" Guybrush said, Captain Kate sniggered.
"What would I be doing in your crew?" Captain Dread asked.
"We'd be travelling to Mêlée Island and with your navigation skills we'd easily get there!” Guybrush said. Captain Dread’s face went red.
"Oh, all right, but I'll need to pack some things," said Captain Dread and walked off, slightly dazed.
"Crew or no crew, you won't get aboard the Blue Banana without 500 Booty pounds", hissed Captain Kate's voice in Guybrush's ear. Thinking about money, Guybrush set off back to town.
Flamin' Joes was packed now. Guybrush walked through the crowd to Smirk who held a pack of cards.
"Let's begin," Smirk said, grinning. They sat at a table; the crowd gathered round and even Joe stopped serving to watch. The insulting went on for an hour. As they came to the last minute, Smirk was desperate.
“En garde! Touché!" he said, waiting for the reply.
"Oh, that is so cliché," Guybrush said. He put down his last card and everyone gasped.
"GIN RUMEE!" he cried, everyone cheered or slunk away. Smirk didn't say anything, then looked up and saw Guybrush's grin and his hand stretching out.
"Fine I'll join your bloody crew!" Smirk growled, but Guybrush's hand was still outstretched.
"What?!" he bellowed.
"Your money," Guybrush said.
"Argh, take the blasted money!" he growled, he tossed the money over and stalked out of the bar. Saying farewell to Joe again, Guybrush left the bar.
Smirk, Lemonhead and Captain Dread were already at the harbour, when he arrived. Captain Kate came over to the group.
"A sad crew, Threepwood!" she said, inspecting them. "But that's not the case. Where's the money?" Guybrush gave her the handful of coins and walked off to the Blue Banana.
“So this is the ship, Doophood?" Smirk said, looking at it glumly.
"Threepwood!" Guybrush cried! "Come on, crew!" The crew followed Guybrush onto the ship and began work. Smirk raised the anchor, Lemonhead readied the sail and Captain Dread took the wheel. The Blue Banana took off into the sea. With one last wave to Captain Kate, Guybrush sighed and went into his cabin.
The journey was horrible; Captain Dread's sailing skills had somewhat lessened during the years. Smirk drunk all the rum on board and Lemonhead tried to work his hardest. Eventually, after going through two storms, the Blue Banana and its crew arrived at Mêlée Town port. Guybrush staggered off the ship.
"Right, Dread, you guard the ship," Guybrush ordered and Captain Dread took out a cutlass. "You, Captain Smirk, can go on shore leave." Smirk went off in the direction of the Scumm Bar. Lemonhead, who knew the most about repair, took to fixing the ship. Guybrush wandered into town. He could see the Marley Mansion on its cliff in the distance. Guybrush pushed past some pirates to get into the International House of Mojo. He hadn't seen the outside of the building because of the busy street. However, the inside had changed since he'd last been there. Great lanterns hung from the ceiling and several potions and voodoo equipment sat in baskets on neat benches. On the back wall, there stood a huge sculpture of a figure. It was gold and looked like the LucasArts sign. The legs stuck out to look like the arms of a chair.
As Guybrush approached, he saw a piece of paper floating in mid-air. "Chant: Body Damma," Guybrush read, at that the paper shrivelled up. A hole appeared in the stomach of the figure and the Voodoo Lady popped out. She wore a great Aztec headdress made out of purple feathers, several necklaces and bands and she held a small staff, which had a skull on it.
"Greetings, Guybrush Threepwood," she smiled.
"So what am-" Guybrush started.
"You here for," the Voodoo Lady finished. "Well, I need you to get something for me on Plunder Island, something very important."
"What?" Guybrush asked, with a quiver of fear in his voice.
"My gum machine," the Voodoo Lady said, flatly.
"Are you meaning to tell me you dragged me here to Mêlée Island so I could and get your gum machine on Plunder Island?!" Guybrush said, flabbergasted.
"There is an important purpose behind it, Threepwood," the Voodoo Lady said.
"Oh, all right. I'll get the machine," Guybrush said, turning away to the door.
"Right," the Voodoo Lady said. Guybrush turned around to wave but the Voodoo Lady was gone.
Guybrush left the House of Mojo and entered the busy street. A few pirates were Insult Sword Fighting with each other, some talking and drinking grog, while some were waiting for a ship.
"Guybrush!" a voice shouted through the crowd. It was Lemonhead. Guybrush ran past the old Mêlée store (“Buy two totem poles and get the third one free”), to get to Lemonhead.
"Yes?" Guybrush asked. Lemonhead looked down at the clipboard he was holding.
"I'm still on the repairs sir, but I'll need three parts for the ship; a chain for the anchor, a new steering wheel, and a flag," Lemonhead reported.
"I'll see what I can get," Guybrush said and headed off towards the Marley Mansion.
The front lawn was empty except for three pirates, who slept underneath a cactus. Guybrush went over to see the three. As he approached, he recognised them as the Pirates of Low Moral Fibre.
"Hey," said the fat one. "Here comes the Governor to throw us off the island like they did on Scabb."
"Wait!" Guybrush said. "I'm not the Governor. But why are you sleeping here?"
"Well," explained the peg-legged one. "That laundry guy, Mad Marty, started getting splinters and he blamed us for it. Instead of getting a fine, we stowed away on a laundry ship and came back here to Mêlée. However, we were penniless and couldn't find anywhere to stay. We even sold our pet rat." The pirate clutching the rum barrel snivelled.
"Busy year?" Guybrush asked, looking down at the town, which was full of pirates and bright lights.
"Oh yeah," said the pirate holding the barrel. "After that Ozzie Mandrill was killed everyone came flocking back, but we'd rather not mingle with that lot."
"Well, carry on," Guybrush said uneasily and he entered the mansion.
The inside was a mess; tankards of grog lay out on the chess set, a few bullets on the furniture, a pile of scrolls and documents sat on the desk and in its chair was a sleeping H. T. Marley. Guybrush roused him, which was a big mistake. As he woke with a start and pointed a gun at Guybrush.
"Back off, sonny, I'm armed," he said. "Oh, Threepwood. It's only you. What're you doing on Mêlée?"
"Elaine sends her love," Guybrush said. "Oh! I was on an errand for a friend. You don't have a flag, do you?" Horatio looked around.
"Take that one," Horatio said, pointing to the Marley flag. "It makes me want to go ride a boat." Guybrush went over and took the flag down, said his thanks and left quickly.
The pirates of low moral fibre were still on the lawn, but Guybrush passed them by and walked into the busy town. After giving Lemonhead the flag, he pushed his way to the Scumm Bar. Outside stood the old dealer, flashing about some insult cheat books. After a few pirates walked away he went over to Guybrush.
"Hey, mate," he whispered, opening up his coat to show Guybrush his pockets, filled with insult cheat books. "Want to buy a cheat book? Only yours for a special price of 10 pieces of eight."
"Uh, no thanks," Guybrush said. The dealer sulked away, muttering to himself. Guybrush sighed and entered the Scumm Bar.
He barely missed a flying dagger, which flew into the wall. The bar was full of pirates. Some were drinking grog and talking loudly, one spun madly round the wheel chandelier. A few played cards while others ate kudujerky pretzels. A few were playing darts on the dart-board.
The pirate leaders were back, shouting loudly for grog while Carla, the sword master, and Otis sat quietly in the corner. Guybrush gave Mancomb Seepgood a wave, and went up to the small bar.
"Well, Captain Threepwood. You've returned," said a familiar voice. It was I. Cheese, and he'd grown a beard and was serving at the bar.
"Mr Cheese! I haven't seen you in quite a while," Guybrush said.
"Six whole years, in fact. How can I help you?" I. Cheese said, grinning.
"Some grog, and do you have a wheel, preferably a ship's wheel?" Guybrush asked.
"The only wheel I have is that one, there," I. Cheese said, pointing to the wheel on which the pirate was swinging on, as he was pouring the grog. "And I've had trouble with that lunatic breaking it." But no sooner had he spoken the wheel and the pirate came down, a few grog tankards spilt and a few darts went flying here and there, but no one was hurt. I. Cheese sighed.
"Mancomb, go sober that idiot up," he said. Mancomb nodded and dragged the swinging pirate out of the Scumm Bar. I. Cheese went to pick up the wheel, but some angry pirates held up their grog tankards.
"Guybrush, go put that wheel in the kitchen for me. I'll fix it later," he said, turning to the crowd. But Guybrush, even though he wanted to enter the kitchen, took the wheel towards the door, avoiding Smirk's eye.
"Here you are, Lemonhead," Guybrush said, handing him the wheel.
"I'll get on it straight away, sir," Lemonhead said, nodding. Guybrush pushed past more pirates to get to the forest. Where would he get an anchor's chain? The harbour! Of course.
The harbour was deserted, as usual, and only a couple of ships lay docked. The shack, however, didn't have Stan or the Harbour-Mistress in it, it had—
"Meathook? What're you doing here?" Guybrush asked, astonished.
"Well, after the Harbour Mistress and that Scumm Bar Bartender ran off with each other, they needed a harbour man and I needed to paint. Wax, of course." Meathook no longer wore his artist hat and he'd shaved off his moustache for a nice short beard.
"Well, do you have an anchor's chain lying about?" asked Guybrush.
"Well, now, I do pictures of ships and the sea line, I use that old junk to add effect to me art," Meathook said. Guybrush wandered off among the docks and found an anchor's chain lying in a barrel. Stuffing it in his pants, he ran, not forgetting to look at the grog machine, back to his ship.
"Here's the chain," he panted, passing it to Lemonhead.
"Shouldn't take too long to sort out," Lemonhead said brightly.
Guybrush set off to assemble his crew. He told Captain Dread to get back to the ship and had to drag Smirk away from the dealer.
"We'll find a cheat book on Plunder Island," Guybrush assured him.
The Blue Banana set off again into the big blue yonder.
Puerto Pollo hasn't changed a bit, thought Guybrush as they docked in at the port there. "Right, Lemonhead, you go buy some new cannons. We'll need some after that battle with the Typhoon Sailor. Smirk, you guard the ship, and Dread, you go get something to eat," Guybrush ordered. Lemonhead wandered off, while Smirk stood guard over the ship.
Guybrush climbed the steep stairs up to a crowd of people around a stall. The sign read: Insult Equipment sold here! And it was true. A barrel full of Insult books sat in the front, and Insult swords sat propped up. A giant 'fool' cannon stood up on the balcony. And several other gadgets were shown for sale. Guybrush wandered over to the side of the building were some shelves lay, showing more insult equipment. Guybrush saw a skull on one of the shelves.
"Murray?" Guybrush asked curiously.
"Duh?" the skull answered. Guybrush's eyes opened wide and he was going to ask Murray how he had arrived here when a voice said:
"Ah, I see you have taken interest in our Insult-telling skull."
Guybrush looked up and saw Kenny Falmouth in an official business suit. "Only yours for 20 Plunder coins, bargain!" he said, smiling.
"My name is Murray, and I intend to eat you all! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" he laughed evilly.
"I see," Guybrush said, Kenny turned back to his customers.
"What're you doing here on Plunder Island?" Murray asked curiously.
"I'm here to get the Voodoo Lady's gum machine," Guybrush said.
"I wouldn't go into the swamp yet. It gets extremely foggy and those weird voodoo kids might attack you with their strange voodoo magic" Murray advised. Taking Murray's advice, for once, Guybrush headed further into the town. As he came under the shadow of the theatre, he saw a small boy in pirate's clothes, a hook, and a monocle handing out pamphlets.
"Wally!" Guybrush gasped. Wally looked up and smiled.
"Hello, Mr Wood. Want a pamphlet for 'Unexpected Tranquilities'?" Wally said, giving Guybrush a pamphlet.
"Unexpected what?" Guybrush asked, curiously.
"Unexpected Tranquilities, by Palido Domingo. It’s some sort of play with an all-star cast," Wally said, smiling.
"I must see this," Guybrush said, and slunk through the thin alley way at the side of the building and through the actor's door.
The sound was the sound of crying monkeys. The backstage and stage area was covered with monkeys reading scripts or dancing around in costumes. Mr Fossey stood in Roman Emperor's robes proudly next to Captain LeChimp, who was wearing his pirate's hat and a ballerina tutu. Palido was in the audience with a bald man who Guybrush couldn't see. Palido wore a black cap and held a script, directing the monkeys about. Too sick to watch, Guybrush left. He wasn't the only one. As he reached the front door outside, Captain Rene Rottingham came bursting out.
Sighing, Guybrush heard music coming from the edge of the town. As he went down the stairs, two pirates burst out of the Barbery Coast.
"Music-mad, those barbers," said one, as they passed Guybrush. Guybrush ran into the shop.
The noise was nice but loud; Edward Van Helgan stood playing his banjo, while Cutthroat Bill was playing a trumpet. Probably the loudest was Haggis McMutton, on his bagpipes. As the three barbers saw Guybrush they stopped.
"Captain Driftwood! You've returned!" Haggis gasped.
"Threepwood," Guybrush growled. "And besides, what do you three care? You abandoned me on Blood Island."
"We didn't, did we?" Bill said, unevenly. Guybrush scowled.
"Our experience at that carnival was a dreadful experience," Van Helgan said sadly.
"Well that was your first time on Monkey Island! I’ve been on it four times and you don't hear me complaining!" Guybrush shouted. He shook his head and exited the shop under the stare of the barbers.
Guybrush sat down outside. He was furious at his unfaithful crew that had accompanied him to Blood Island. Anyway, that was seven years ago.
Guybrush tired of exploring Puerto Pollo went off towards the swamp. The pathway was still foggy as usual, but Guybrush found the edge of the swamp. Everything was the same as Guybrush remembered it: the ship, the gateway, everything. Guybrush walked along the mud-bank towards the ship.
Guybrush went inside, it was again the same. Seeing the gum machine, he grabbed it and headed back to town.
Smirk was standing glumly as usual, while Captain Dread was eating a chicken leg.
"Where's Lemonhead?" Guybrush asked as he approached.
"Installing the new cannons," Smirk said. Guybrush nodded and climbed aboard the ship, followed by Smirk and Captain Dread.
"Right," Guybrush said. "Smirk, go help Lemonhead. Dread, get us out of here."
And again the Blue Banana shot into the sea.
Guybrush stood on the deck, smiling in the sun; soon he'd be able to rest.
"Captain, what's that ship?" Smirk said, looking out into the sea.
Guybrush peered out on the horizon. Indeed, there was a ship, a great black ship. It looked familiar. As it grew closer, Guybrush recognised it.
"Dread, get us as far away from that ship as possible!" Guybrush shouted, but it was too late. LeChuck's Ghost Ship was getting closer.
"Fire!" Guybrush shouted. Three cannonballs flew straight at the ghost ship, but flew straight through it. Suddenly a whole horde of skeletons jumped on board the Blue Banana. Smirk, Captain Dread and Lemonhead didn't even try to stop them. Guybrush raised his cutlass, but the skeletons raised their cutlasses and guns. One skeleton with a prominent chin, baggy ripped green trousers and a singed white shirt came forward. He looked very familiar.
"Surrender the gum machine, Threepwood," the skeleton said, grinning.
"Why, you undead run out of gum?" Guybrush joked. The skeleton raised his gun.
"Just give it here," the skeleton said. Guybrush grabbed the gum machine, which had been on the deck and tossed it over to the skeleton. He grinned and turned away. The skeletons lowered their cutlasses and guns and clambered back on the ghost ship. As it sailed off Guybrush sighed, but too soon, as there was a huge green light and an explosion and Guybrush blacked out.