Art | Fiction | Music | Animations | Scripts | Comics | Games | Sheet music
The Brothers of Monkey Island
Add review | Fan fiction index
Part 2: Eating Heroes Is Hazardous To Your Health
A few moments later, Guybrush was tied to a palm tree atop a cliff overlooking the sea below. He was dangling a mere 2 feet above the water, getting hit with the occasional wave. That wasnít what bothered Guybrush so much. What DID get to him were the sharks right underneath that were attracted by Chucky throwing in Guybrushís shoes.
"Heeeeere sharky sharky sharkyyyyy!" called an unsympathetic Chucky. "I have a nice treat for you...Guybrush, would you stop struggling? Your scaring the fish."
"Pleeeeeease donít leave me here! Please? Pretty, PRETTY please? Iíll be your best friend!"
"Youíre my brother! How can you be more of a friend to me?"
"Iíll feed the rubber duckies! Iíll clean your room for a week! Iíll even dance in a tutu to old Elvis songs! Anything! Just let me go!" the dangling Guybrush sobbed at the misery of his demise.
"Now thatís just not fitting for a pirate of your age, Guybrush. Most would be proud to be fed to sharks by me! Take it like a man! HAhahah!"
"But I donít WANNA be fed to sharks! Come-ooooon, lemme goooo!"
"Now thatís not to considerate to the sharks, is it? They need their daily dosage of scared little wimp!"
Chucky turned to face his crew, and, seeing what he did to his own brother and the fact that they wouldnít tease him about his teddy-bear to save their own grandmothers, he turned to his profusely sweating and crying little brother one last time.
"Weíre off to find the treasure of Monkey Island! Maybe then, if Iím in a good mood..." he leaned in to whisper this to Guybrush, which didnít do much good because he was still quite a ways up, but he gets points for effort, "Iíll let you go when we come back." (Awww, wasnít that just sweet of him? Brotherly love, the purest there is!)
"Alright, men!" He yelled, startling his crew, "Weíre off to make camp! Well? CHEER! Weíre a happy pirate crew!" At this the crew made a horribly frightened attempt to cheer.
"I CANíT HEAR YOU!"
"HUZZAH!" They cried.
"Huzzah? Well, whatever. Letís go now, weíre wasting time. Follow me!" Then he thought to himself, ĎI guess my pirate accent needs work.í
And so, our cowardly hero was left to fend for himself with no more than a "maybe" of being let go. The sharks waited patiently, oh so patiently they did wait...but not for too long. It...or, they rather, popped their (?) heads out of the water, and looked Guybrush right in the eye.
"Shhh, not to loud!" said one shark, who had a medium sounding voice.
"We can hear you just fine." said another with a high-pitched voice.
"And we have a splitting headache from those beer-fish last night. Oh, the pain." said the very deeply voiced third.
Guybrush was absolutely bewildered at this sight. A talking shark? Well, that wasnít so surprising, but what was messed-up was...
"You have three heads!"
"Shhh! We can hear you already!" said Shark #1.
"Yeah, keep your voice down, will ya?" said Shark #2.
"...What they said," said Shark #3.
Guybrush blinked a few times at the camera. "Am I...dreaming? Or something? Because thereís no WAY you can be a three-headed shark, I mean, come on. This canít be real. You have THREE heads!"
"Our mother told us-" said Shark #3.
"Never to say anything not nice about someone else," said Shark #2.
"Because sharks are people too," said Shark #1. All three grinned at Guybrush, showing off all those clean, white, sharp, sharp, SHARP teeth.
"Well, right before she tried to eat us anyway," saidShark #2
"And we would like it very, very much, mister pencil-neck-"
"Hey!" Guybrush exclaimed.
Shark #1 said, "If you would just let yourself down and give in to us."
Shark #3 said, "It would help us out an awful lot, and we promise to bit off your head first, so you wonít feel any pain."
Shark #2 continued, "Ooh, oh! Can we watch him swim around like a chicken fish before we eat the rest?" Guybrush was starting to feel sick...
Shark #1 said "Yeah! Letís do that!"
"Hey, you guys? Humans donít-umpf-do that sort of thing..." said a green Guybrush.
They all looked at him with a serious glare.
#3: "Have you ever eaten a human head?"
"Er, no, but-"
#2, "Have you ever seen a human with his head bitten off?"
"Well, not exactly-"
#1, "Well then you have nothing to say, now, DO you?" As they flip their tail at his head.
"Hmm. Well, I guess not."
#2, "All this biting off human head stuff is making me hungry. Letís just paddle up real hard, and when we bit his head off, we can chew on the entrails and..."
"Ooohhh..." Guybrush moaned as his stomach wretched at the imagery his mind was playing. He was now a light shade of purple.
#3, "And with his leg we can..."
#1, "And his arms..."
#2, "I wanna make a necklace out of his teeth!"
#1, "Wait, gentlemen-" #2 looked at #1 and gave him a growl, "and lady, Iím sorry, you know I didnít mean it. You DO have very lovely eyes." Shark #2 then batted her eyes all like a lady when sheís flattered. "Anyway, I think our dinner here is...spoiled."
"Oh-gmf-Iím more spoiled than you think..." says a now deep blue not-quite-pirate.
#3, "Hmm, but his shoes were sooo..."
All three licked there lips and said, "Tasty." All of them laughed fiendishly at the thought of eating our hero. Mmmm, sort-of-pirate sushi.
#2, "Enough of this! Iím eating for three!"
#1, "Letís get him!"
Guybrush tried desperately so wiggle out of the reach of all those hungry mouths as the shark(s?) leapt again and again trying to eat him. All the while, Guybrush was screaming his head off, which did deter the sharks somewhat, but not much. As he wiggled, we could see that the tree he was tied to is bouncing up and down a bit. After a bit of bouncing higher and higher, up and down, Guybrush took the impact of the DOWN part directly on his stomach, which was simply too much for his unseasoned not-yet-pirate belly to take. He hurled up all the contents within his notoriously small stomach, the imagery of which, I will not describe to you. Arenít I nice?
The three sharks, however, DID like pre-chewed food. As they dug into Guybrushís final meal, we saw the tree could take only about as much stress as his tummy. It was at the verrrry tip of the cliff, barely hanging on by itís roots. Unaware of this, the protagonist lifted his head up for a second.
"Ooohhh, Iíll never have tofu burger again...hey, why am I so close to...the...water?" Looking up and behind him, Guybrush saw the tree about to join him in a watery grave.
Then, a small monkey, about the size of your fist, saw a butterfly land on the tree, making it loosen a bit more, freaking out Guybrush. The monkey, however, in all itís innocence, climbed up the tree to get it. Awww, itís so cute!
"Nonononono! Go back! Shoo! Bad monkey! Skiddadle! Go away!" The monkey saw the human dangling from a rope far beneath him, and...didnít care. He climbed up higher to get a closer look at that butterfly, which, Iíll admit, WAS very pretty.
"Ooohhh, this isnít my daaaay..." whined Guybrush as the tree relinquished itís hold on the Earth a bit more... "Somehow I always knew it would end this way...hey wait, donít I get to see my life flash before my eyes or something?"
"Low budget. Sorry," said an announcer chiming in.
"Of COURSE. Itís all about money with you people, isnít it?!" The tree gave a bit more as a warning of itís final passing. The monkey was holding the butterfly in a most caring manner, about to get off the tree. As he walked off, the tree, held up only by the monkeyís weight, slowly leaned more and more off the cliff.
"WAIT! NO! COME BACK! I DIDNíT MEAN WHAT I SAID! PLEASE DONíT LEAVE! PLEASE!"
The monkey looked back for one second at the dangling person screaming "NICE MONKEY!" He seemed to understand and climbed up the tree a bit more, keeping it barely in place. "Good monkey! Phew! I might just live after all!" Then, the monkey looked down at Guybrush, put his finger and thumb in the shape of an ĎLí on his forehead, turned around, stuck his tail up, and...
Walked off the tree.
Guybrush screams at the TOP of his lungs, annoying the still-feasting sharks so much they come back up to the surface.
#1, "Didnít we already tell you-"
#2, "Not to be..."
#3, "So...loud?" The sharks are all looking up as the tree starts to fall. Guybrush turns to the shark with his Ďthis is it!í expression, and the sharks lunge at him with their Ďthis is dinner!í grins.
Guybrush lands deep under water, and sees the jaws of death! They fly at him with tremendous speed and are about to chomp his head off, when the tree falls and hits the sharksí heads all at once, pinning them down against the sea floor. Guybrush tries to swim away, but is still tied to the tree. The sharks, in order to get out from under the tree, start ripping it apart with their teeth. Guybrush tries to cut the rope using a fairly sharp rock, but he knows he doesnít have the time. (Which is funny Ďcuz he can hold his breath so long but now he doesnít have any time, hee hee...well, anyway...)
Losing hope a lot faster than his breath, he frantically looks around for a ray of hope. Oddly enough...he gets one.
A space ship flies above Guybrush and hovers there for a moment. An alien pops out the top of the space ship, holds up a megaphone to another nearby space ship and shouts, "Youíll never take us alive, coppers!" The other space ship speaks through an intercom.
"Hrujf jldkasp oda, sajhfd aics kjsah oiansc!"
"What you say?" asks the confused, and apparently bandit aliens.
"*Sigh* We SAID, hrujf jldkasp oda, sajhfd aics kjsah oiansc!"
"Er, oh yeah?! Well, you fight like a cow!"
The alien then goes back into the ship and flies off, firing orange and purple polka-dotted lasers at the police space ship. The police aliens return fire, a single laser hitting a rock, bouncing off a tree, deflects off (and destroying) monkey Easter heads.
This makes the chief monkey say to a his loyal monkey subjects, "oohooh ah, chee eep ook!" (This island is cursed! We must leave immediately!) All the monkeys do a monkey dance and start building a ship while the chief monkey sits on a stretcher fanned by female monkeys. Funny, but gross.
Near the beach, a vegetarian, who seems to be a gigantic lemon, (hey, you are what you eatÖ) puts down a basket with a sign on it saying, ĎNasty pointy things!í on the ground. He wipes his forehead (?) and says, "Whew! We are so going to win this war between our tribes with these knives and whatnots! Huzzah!" The laser then hits the basket, making it catch on fire and all itís contents fly into far out to sea. The vegetarian watches and...after a bit, turns to the camera and shrugs.
ďNuts. Now weíll have to surrender to that other tribeÖhope theyíre merciful...Ē
Now Guybrush is crying, fearing the end, which was slowing down itís chewing considerably, but also just about through the whole tree. He looks up one last time at the star-filled sky, then...one of the knives cuts through the water, landing just in front of his nose, and...just outside of his reach. He glares at the camera, which deserves it. We just point and laugh.
Scuttling around near Guybrush, is a crab humming "Under the water." Absently snapping itís claws to keep the beat, it spins around, completely lost in its tune (which only needs a BIT more work) cuts the rope with one snap and FINALLY lets loose our very deserving would-be-hero.
And just in time! Guybrush swims with all his might, which is diminished from the lack of air, and, just to make his day worse, even though he might be free of the tree, his hands are still tied together. The shark(s) wiggle with all their might, getting free of the tree and coming up behind him.
Guybrush gets onto the beach with his knees, stands up and stumbles away from the water as fast as he can, which by now, ainít that fast. The shark(s) swim right up behind him and run themselves aground, and still wiggling, try to get up to Guybrush.
Exhausted, he falls onto his stomach, and is only able to turn over to breathe. He sees the shark getting really, REALLY close, but...itís only able to get a few inches from his toes. Guybrush half laughs/chokes as he realizes there is no way this fish, who was SO confident and tried SO hard, could ever reach him. The sharks were also aware of this, and growled and wiggled and tried, but it was no good.
#1, "You little...uh..." the shark could no longer talk, his mouth was full of gum!
#2, "Eh? What did you say?" was all it said before it could talk no more.
#3, "Speak up! I canít hear you!" as it blew a bubble.
It was a gummy tree.
Losing their hearing and their voices, the berserk sharks all tried talking at once, but it was simply not happening. The shark then wrote in the sand,
"Weíll get you, squinky."
"Weíll follow you to the ends of the earth! Mark our...writings!"
Then, underlined, was, "WE WILL GET YOU!"
Guybrush merely smiled and boasted in his head all about his daring escape. The shark(s) had to wriggle back down into the water pretty quickly. There they circled, watching and waiting for when he would return to the sea. Like that was happening! Guybrush vowed then to keep out of the water, and (for some reason) that included bathing. Then, Guybrush closed his eyes, and dreamed his little dreamy dreams, which were about hippos and koalas and mermaids!
Hey, donít look at me, itís his dream. Ask him.