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Attack of the Clones (Monkey Island style)
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Attack of the Clones

PART 1: A long time ago, in an island far, far awayÖ

Well, our story begins like this: Guybrush Threepwood washed up in Monkey Island, Elaine Marley married with LeChuck and Ozzie Mandrill controlling the Caribbean... Wait a minute! That canít be like that, can it?
"Nooooooo!" screamed Guybrush.
"Another nightmare, dear?" asked Elaine, lighting a candle.
"Yes..." said Guybrush.
"Well, what happened there, I mean, in the nightmare?
After Guybrush had told her about the nightmare...
"Thatís as true as kids coming from the Canary Islands!" said Elaine.
"Of course it isnít true! Kids come from Paris!"
"Never mind... go back to sleep, dear..."

Next morning...
"Dear," said Elaine, "Guybrush, dear, wake up!"
"Hmmm, whatís goiní on? I was one OOP-ACK-CHEE away from beating Jojo Senior..." mumbled Guybrush.
"Dear, how many Elaines exist in MÍlťe?"
"Wait... x is equal to Ėb Ī ?(b2 Ė 4ac)/2a, then I multiply it times pi, and... and... and it comes to nothing! I mean, there can be 256,902 Elaines!"
"No, no, dear, thereís only one, ME!"
"Yeah. And?"
"And Iíve already seen 25 coming down MÍlťe Main Street!"
"Too much coffee last night, Elaine? I told you not to get obsessed with your work..."
"Oh sh...arks have eaten your brain! (Expecting anything rude? Neener neener neener...) Come and see!"
Guybrush got up and looked through the window.
"Elaine?"
"What?"
"Whereís the nearest ophthalmologist?"
"Why?"
"Iím seeing Otis 31 times!"
"Thatís what I told you about!"
"What? That MÍlťe was full of 'victims of the society'?"
"Yeah, that was just... No! I mean, the clones walking around the whole island!"
"Oh, that was it..."
"It can come to a huge chaos!"
"Where have I heard this before? Wasnít it one of those cheap Stallone films?"
"No, I mean, imagine all those Elaines (fake ones) claiming the government. Iím sure LeChuckís behind this."
"Yeah? Here, zombie zombie zombie..."
"No! LeChuck must have planned all this, weíve gotta see the Voodoo Lady!"
"Didnít she move to Scabb Island?"
"Again?"
"Think so..."
"Well, letís go!"

***

PART 2: Stanís previously owned vessels Ė once again!

Elaine and Guybrush reached MÍlťe Harbour. The harbour administrator wasnít there anymore. Instead, a familiar voice came from the hut.
"Well, a customer! Whatíll it be?"
"Oh, drat!" complained Guybrush, "Stan!"
"Hey, thatís Mr and Mrs Marley-Threepwood!" said Stan, "Would you like to hire a ship?"
"Of course," replied Guybrush, "and no pink one!"
"Dear, couldnít we pick up our 'Sweet Lady' and scram?"
"But, but, but, but... itís pink!"
"Grandpa liked it so much..."
"Oh man!"
"Pleeeeease dear," cried Elaine, "letís pick up the 'Sweet Lady'!"
"Whatever... No deal, Stan, weíll pick whatís ours."
"Well, pleased to do business with you... oh yeah, pier 94."
Guybrush and Elaine reached the ship, then Guybrush mumbled: "I hate that guy... I canít cope with him."
"Thatís right... what was that?"
Both of them heard a subtle creak in the ship.
"Meow!" screamed somebody.
"Oh, it was only a cat. Hey, who or what is there?"
They heard the same creak.
"Another cat," said a voice.
"Oh, Otis, how can you be so silly!"
"But Carla, I, I..."
"Hey, you two!" yelled Elaine, "Youíll be our crew to Scabb!"
"MONKEYS!" screamed Otis.
A slap was heard.
"She said Scabb, you idiot!" said Carla.
"Oh..."
"Hey Carla, I know youíre upset, but I offer you some cushy government contracts!" screamed Elaine.
"Oh yeah... Iíve now got three cushy offers."
"Errm..." Elaine didnít know quite what to say.
"Elaine," whispered Guybrush, "do you know who the government contracts I made you sign were for? For them..."
"In that case," whispered Elaine, "why hasnít she received the contracts?"
"Hmmm... I bet I lost them..."
"Guybrush!"
"Yes dear?"
"I, I, I donít... Never mind."
"Hello you wonderful pair over there!" screamed Carla. "We donít want no contracts! Anything else to offer?"
"Well..." Elaine started, but she was cut off by Guybrush.
"Let me help... Hey Otis, youíve got a monkey on your shoulder!"
"MONKEYS!" screamed Otis.
Otis actually shook, jumped and rolled, and he ended falling off the ship. There was no monkey, of course.
"Man overboard!" screamed Carla.
"Weíll get him out only if you accept being our crew," said Guybrush with a cunning smile.
"Clever one, dear!" said Elaine.
"Oh man, heís fooled us! All right you two, weíll be your crew, now get Otis out of the water," said Carla.
"Okay," replied Guybrush, "Otis, the monkey is cominí after you!"
"Yikes!" screamed Otis.
He swam faster than anybody could, leapt out of the water and landed on the pier.
"Ha ha ha!" laughed Guybrush, "look back, Otis: Whereís the monkey?"
"Oh shoot!" said Otis.
Guybrush, Elaine and Otis walked onto the ship. Just then...
SLAP!
"Why did you hit me, Carla?" asked Otis.
"If it wasnít for your monkey-phobia, we wouldnít be this crazy duoís crew!"
"Címon guys, letís go!" said Guybrush.
The ship started moving. The harbour was left behind. They sailed into open sea.

***

PART 3: Enter Largo LaGrande

"Scabb Island at twelve o'clock!" yelled Otis from the lookout post. The trip had been hard. They had been caught twice by a typhoon, Otis had had some problems with the Jolly Roger, and they had struck seventeen luxury yachts. "Stupid tourists, they think they own the Caribbean," said Guybrush.
"Well, here we are," said Elaine.
"Ahoy there, mateys! Welcome to Scabb! The inn is right ahead!" somebody yelled.
"Who the heck... Largo LaGrande!" Guybrush was shocked.
"You! The one with that voodoo doll! Iím gonna splat you!"
"Splat what, Largo?"
"No... nothing, boss..."
The innkeeper came out of nowhere. Largo was seemingly working for Scabb after the fall of his tyranny. As they would know, Largo was now an Ad-Man, he advertised the Inn, and played the piano in a horrible monkey costume... ha ha, funny. No, it wasnít funny. It might be funny in the beginning time but in the end it makes you feel pitiful. Yes, itís really a product of a sickened mind. But Largo had to pay for what he did.
"Hey, Mr Narrator Guy!" screamed Guybrush, "Knock it off! Youíre going psychic!"
Heís actually right. Iíll carry on. After the innkeeper finished, Guybrush said: "All right, why donít we continue in the bar?"
"Swell idea!" said the innkeeper, "Címon Largo, go dress up and play a ragtime with your feet!"
"Oh no!" said Largo, "Everything but that!"
"Largo!"
Largo chickened, turned around and ran off. After a while, the group entered the bar. There was Largo in that sickening costume.
"Oh my God!" said Elaine, "Itís dreadful!"
"But funny!" crackled Guybrush.
"Well, whatíll it be?" asked the barman.
"Two Blue Whales, please!" said Guybrush.
"Two more!" said Carla.
"Hey, what the heck is this?" thought Guybrush.
He had been seeking for something in his pocket, and he found the voodoo doll and the pins. He went to Largoís side.
"Scram, guy!" said Largo rudely.
"Címon little monkey, play faster!" said Guybrush.
"Whoís gonna force me?" asked Largo.
"Me," answered Guybrush dryly.
Meanwhile, he pinned the doll once, twice...
"Yeeeeeoww!" yelled Largo, and ran to the exit.
"Stop right there!" yelled the barman.
"No!" screamed Largo.
"Allow me" Ė Guybrush was having a bright outcome again Ė "Largo, if you donít come back, Iíll go after you, you know what it means... a whole year of being unable to sit down."
"Arrr, okay."
"See? Itís easy to control him." Guybrush faced the barman. "And keep this." Guybrush gave him the voodoo doll. "Youíll need it."
"Dear, itís about time we went to visit the Voodoo Lady."
"Yes, Elaine!"
The 'A-Team' (everybody, please laugh now), I mean, Guybrush, Elaine, Carla and Otis left the bar and headed for the swamp. After a while, they reached the International House Of Mojo Ė Scabb Department.
After a little talk, they found out that the clones were a product of an ancient Voodoo Spell, and that they seemed to come from... (dramatic stop) ...Monkey Island!
"MONKEYS!" yelled Otis.
"Sorry, Otis, thereís no other way, you'll have to come with us to Monkey Island."
"No! I won't go!" yelled Otis.
"All right, I have an idea," said Guybrush. "When weíre arriving on Monkey Island, weíll kick you overboard. What do you prefer, monkeys or sharks?"
"Thereís no way! Heís supposed to be a dull!" complained Otis.
"Otis is right," Elaine thought, "Guybrush is being really clever this time..."
"Well, people, shall we leave to Monkey Island?" asked Guybrush.
"Yeah, letís go..." Carla didnít want to do anything.
They headed to Woodtick, they left and they headed for Monkey Island.

***

PART 4: Monkey Island: Revisited

"MONKEYS! Oops, I mean Monkey Island dead ahead!" yelled Otis.
Another hard trip. This time they had been pushed by three tidal waves and they had hit a record quantity of yachts: 35. "Those tourists..." grunted Guybrush.
"Where should we be heading?" asked Carla.
"Perhaps the castle on the volcano..." Guybrush was doubting.
"Okay, letís go there," said Elaine.
As they arrived at the castle, a surprise was awaiting them...
"'Monkeywarts School of Voodoo and Wizardry'? Whatís this?" asked Guybrush.
"Dunno. Letís enter," said Elaine.
They entered the castle, and there was only a young boy who wore glasses, had black hair, green eyes, and a distinctive lightning-shaped scar on the forehead.
"Harry Potter?" screamed everybody.
Actually he was creating all of the clones. But, as he heard his name, he turned around and started casting spells at them. Otis and Carla were hit by those spells. They laid unconscious on the floor of the castle-church. Elaine barely avoided one and lighted a gun.
"There ya go, Mr Magic Man!"
She shot Potter in the middle of the scar.
"Ouch! That hurts!" said Guybrush.
But just then, Harryís dead body exploded. (Poor fans: their hero had turned into a lot of disoriented atomic matter, and poor J. K. Rowling: her money source had boomed.)
"Yeow! Thatís disgusting!" screamed Guybrush.
LeChuck materialized. He was possessing Potterís body and using him to make the clones. He wanted revenge.
"Arrr... you tricked me, Elaine, but Iíve got the winning card!" screamed LeChuck, "Címon Guybrush-Clone, crush them!"
Guybrush Ė the same Guybrush that had helped them Ė was a clone and was attacking them.
But then a voice came out of nowhere.
"Not so fast," LeChuck.
"No!"
Something buzzed and Guybrush leapt off a coffin in the backside of a church with a lightsaber on. He cut the clone Guybrush in half and faced LeChuck.
"Guybrush 1 - LeChuck 0... youíre losing, LeChuck..." said Guybrush.
"Not so fast..."
Buzz! LeChuck lit another lightsaber. They started fighting. After a short while, Guybrush showed one of his few abilities: He was going to struck LeChuck on his head, but he changed the saber of hand and he pierced LeChuckís stomach (Ewwww!). And thatís what happened in the castle.

***

EPILOGUE: A long time ago, in the same island far, far away...

"Dear, tell me what happened to you," said Elaine.
"Well, I was captured by some clones and dragged to Monkey Island. There was this Harry Potter boy, who made a clone of me and trapped me in that coffin," said Guybrush.
"I knew that one couldnít be you. He was too intelligent," said Elaine.
"Hey dear, was that sarcasm?"

THE END


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