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A Monkey Island Christmas Carol
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The author’s note
The Christmas times are coming like every year since Year 0 BC/AD. Christmas is as we all know it is a time to gather friends and family in happy time, we give and get presents, singing songs (known as Christmas carols) and everyone feels the joy and the friendship (even the biggest sourpuss is nice). You may think that I’m just babbling obvious things but this makes a lot sense since this story is about the Christmas times. Anyhow, the Christmas have been so loved that it really affects media such as books, movies, theatres, comics and even games. The year 1843 Charles Dickens released the book A Christmas Carol which is about a greedy, egoistic man who turns into a good, pleased man by getting visited of three ghosts of the Christmas representing the Past, the Present and the Future. That story have been a popular story and converted into many versions by many Entertainment companies such as Walt Disney pictures, Jim Henson productions, Hanna-Barbara etc, were they use the original story with their characters as the persons in the story such as the Disney characters, the Muppets, the Flintstones etc. But have you actually noticed that neither Ron Gilbert or anyone of Lucas Arts (or Lucas Film) never have done the same thing with the Monkey Island characters? Perhaps they didn’t thought that was a good idea or they never came up with such idea. In any event I have wrote the story of Charles Dickens and put in the characters of Monkey Island. To make it easier to see which characters is which I have mixed up the names of Dickens and MI-characters. Note that not every MI-character are in this story and that not EVERY MI-character is a Dickens character such as Stan. Anyway, have a good time reading this (which I recommend to read this is December to get the right feelings if you see what I mean) and Merry Christmas to everybody.
Chapter 1: The meeting with the Spirit of Jacob T Marley
It was 24:th December in London somewhere in 19:th century. It was happiness and joy everywhere. People were out shopping Christmas-presents, food and other necessary things for Christmas-day, some went to work, some stood at the streets and sang Christmas-songs for the people that pass by. Everyone, even the poorest, unemployed fellows had happiness and joy for the Christmas. Well… Not quite everyone. There was one man ,who was mean, egoistic, cold-hearted, short-fused, skinflint and not to mention grumpy, who didn’t like the Christmas at all. His name was Ebenizer Ozzie Scrooge, referred as Ozzie Scrooge or just Mr. Scrooge. He came walking on the streets to his office without bother all the happy people around him since he hate those things. When he stopped to let a horse-carriage past a happy, short man with blonde beard and a Santa-hat came to him.
– Ahoy there, matie! Hahaha! Would ye like to give a piece of eight for the poor so they will get a happier Christmas? He said and clanged his bell.
– If you think that I’m going to give money for the poor than take this tip: Go and take a long walk off a short pier! Scrooge said begun to walk away.
– Okay. Well… Hohoho! And a Merry Christmas to you!
But Scrooge ignored that and kept walking along the street. After a while he came to a building where his office is. On the sign above the door it have the name Scrooge and Marley, with the name Marley crossed over. Scrooge looked at the sign and said to himself.
– Ah, my old companion, Jacob T Marley. He was a great man, yes really a great man. He stole from the widows and tricked the poor. He has been dead since seven years ago. He had no family and I was his only friend. In his testament his money was supposed to be used for a tombstone. But I took the money and buried him by sink his corpse into Davey Jones’ Locker.
Scrooge went inside and walked through the worker’s room where his bookkeepers kept on writing the funds and rates for their clients. No one said anything, they just kept writing. Scrooge came to his secretary’s office outside his. The secretary, named Brittany, filled in yesterday’s paper-work.
– Good Morning, Mr. Scrooge, she said.
– Any messages for me? Scrooge asked while he stomped off the snow from his boots.
– Just one, Mr. Scrooge. Mr. Cheese would like to know if he could use some coal for the open fire.
– Tell Mr. Cheese then that the answer is NO. And also tell him that if he asks about it again this month, I’ll kick him out of here!
– Yes, Mr. Scrooge. I’ll tell him that, the secretary giggled. Scrooge said annoyingly,
– Stop that giggle!
– Oh, sorry sir.
– Get back to work. Remember…
– “Time is money.” “Talk is cheap.” I know, sir.
Scrooge went into his office and started writing in his workbooks about rates. Scrooge was really a greedy man so that’s why he pays out low salaries to his employees and he only allowed one piece of coal a mounth in the winter-times for the open fire. Even if don’t have to mention it, he wants get even more and more rich and never give away any Piece of Eight away. The secretary knocked at his door which was always open so he could see if his bookkeepers worked.
– Mr. Scrooge, Mr. Cratchit would like to have a word with you.
– Send him in! Scrooge ordered and started counting his money.
One of the bookkeepers, Guybrush Cratchit came into the room.
– What do you want? Scrooge asked irritated.
Guybrush scratched his back and said to Ozzie Scrooge.
– You know Mr. Scrooge, tomorrow is Christmas-day and I wondered if I could have my afternoon off.
When Scrooge heard what Guybrush Cratchit said he dropped a coin on one of the piles so the whole big pile of Pieces of Eight that Scrooge counted dropped into the floor.
– Why did you have to say that just as was finished counting my money? Now I have to begin from the start!
Scrooge got so angry that he grabbed his cane and snapped it.
– Oh, look what you made me do!
– I’m sorry, Mr. Scrooge. I will fix that cane to the afternoon, Guybrush apologized.
– Okay, right. Having the afternoon off on Christmas day? Hmmm! Maybe so… but I have either to take off 50 % off your daily salary or you have to come here earlier the next day.
– Does it mean I can…? Cratchit begun but he were interrupted by Scrooge.
– Yeah, yeah! Now, get back to work!
Guybrush was about to leave when Brittany came in.
– What now? Scrooge said annoyed while he picked up his coins that lied on the floor.
– Your nephew would like to meet you, sir.
– SEND HIM IN!! Scrooge shouted annoyed because he didn’t like that his nephew would appear in the middle of a working day (Scrooge never liked that anyway).
Scrooge’s nephew, Fred Lemonhead, came in the room with a Christmas-wreath in his hand.
– Merry Christmas, Uncle Scrooge!
– Bah! Christmas is nothing more than a bad excuse for being lazy!
– Aw, come on, Uncle Scrooge! It’s not THAT bad. Don’t agree that is a good time to gather your friends and… Fred started but Scrooge interrupted him.
– What’s so good with it? I’ll tell you what “Christmas” really is. It’s just a normal working-day and if someone thinks about something else… he could take a long walk off a short pier!!
Scrooge continued pick up his coins and started to count them again.
– But, sir. Christmas is the time of giving, a time which someone share with family and friends, Guybrush tried to explained but Scrooge wouldn’t listen.
– I say “Bah, bogus”!
– And I’m saying Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas!
Guybrush couldn’t stop applause but stopped right away when he noticed that Scrooge watched him with a angry look.
– I just warmed up my hands, sir.
– Get back to work or I’ll change my mind about “the afternoon off for tomorrow”!
Guybrush Cratchit hurried back to his working-bench but slipped by the water which were the snow Scrooge stomped off his feet. Scrooge asked his nephew.
– And what does my nephew doing here?
Fred put the Christmas-wreath on Scrooge’s table and said.
– I come here to give you this Christmas-wreath as a sign that I estimate you. Also my wife and I would like to invite you on Christmas-dinner. We are going to have roasted goose stuffed with chestnuts, plum-pudding with lemon-sauce (not from my lemon-mask of course) and Victorian Sponge-cake with candied fruit. How about it?
– Are insane, boy?! You know that I can’t eat those things! And another thing, why don’t you work?! Scrooge said angry and waved his arms so much that he pushed off the pile of coins so they dropped on the floor. Scrooge noticed that and sighed.
– Come on, Uncle Scrooge. Don’t be such a lone wolf. It’s going to be fun. We having some friends over, eating, singing, dancing and play games. And you could meet my wife.
– So what? I have too much things to do. Why did you actually married her anyway?
– But isn’t it obvious, Uncle Scrooge? I fell in love with her, he said with a happy voice but Scrooge looked at the clock and saw how much time he “wasted” on talking.
– You have spoiled too much of my time, Fred. I have business to do, so get out of here.
– Are you sure that…?
– BUZZ OFF!
Fred turned around and walked out but slipped on the water on the floor too. But he didn’t mind about that, instead he kept walking out and greeted his uncle.
– Have a Merry Christmas, Uncle Scrooge!
– Christmas? Humbug! Scrooge muttered while counting his money, ONCE AGAIN.
Brittany looked inside the door again.
– Mr. Scrooge? There are three gentlemen that wants have a word with you, Sir.
– Hmmm… It might be customers this time. Send them in!
Brittany left and three men came into the office. They wore quite-fine clothes and the short, chubby, quiet guy held a little metal-box in his hands.
– And what can I help you with, gentlemen? Scrooge asked and moved the money-piles carefully away so they won’t fall into the floor again.
– Are you Mr. Scrooge? The black-bearded guy asked him.
– Of course I’m Ebenizer Ozzie Scrooge! My companion, Jacob Torqameda Marley, has been dead for years. Now what did you want me, gentlemen?
– We, Mister, are here for asking for a favor to the ones who are in need, the tallest man said and brushed off the snow from his hat.
– For what? Scrooge asked confused.
– We are collecting for the poor, the black-bearded man said.
Scrooge scratched his head and thought before he answered.
– Oh, so that’s why you are here. That’s what your job is. Begging for funds to help the poor, huh?
The short, fat guy nodded and started to chuckle but the tall guy smocked him at the head to make him shut up. He answered Scrooge.
– Yes, Mr. Scrooge. That’s what we do.
– You know what, gentlemen? Scrooge asked them and the men looked at each other. Scrooge continued to talk.
– Have you ever thought of what would actually happen if you helped out the poor?
– No, two of the men said and the shortest one shook his head.
– They will not be poor anymore if you help them out.
– Oh yes, we knew THAT one, the tallest guy said.
Scrooge picked up the Christmas-wreath Fred gave him and led the Fund-collectors to the door that led outside.
– However, if the poor aren’t poor anymore you three don’t have to collect more money, Scrooge said anxiously and put a hand on the shortest man’s shoulder.
– Yes but I supposed that…, the black-bearded man said but got interrupted by Scrooge.
– And if you don’t have to collect any more funds, you wouldn’t have any work left.
The men looked at each other again. Then they looked at Scrooge again and the tallest man said.
– We never have thought about that.
– As you see I don’t have a heart to make you unemployed, especially not on Christmas Eve, Scrooge said with tragedy in his voice. They have come to the door that led outside and Scrooge opened the door.
– Of course you can’t. We would never do such thing, Mr. Scrooge, the black-bearded man said.
– Well then. Would you still want me to get any money or still want your job left?
– Is that a trick question? The tallest man asked but Scrooge didn’t answer, instead he put the Christmas-wreath on the shortest man’s head.
– Well, it’s best that we keep our job, the black-bearded man said to his pals.
– Well then. Let them be poor another day. Now get out of here!
Disappointed the men walked out and Scrooge closed the door. Scrooge walked back to his office and on the way he talked to Guybrush Cratchit who wrote in his work-books.
– Oh, when will this phooey ends? A man working through his whole life to get money and then people wants to give them away.
Scrooge walked to the office and closed the door. In the late afternoon the book-keepers began to get tiered and shivered ‘cause of the cold. Scrooge open his door, walked to the book-keepers and said to them.
– Okay, the office is closet. You may go home now.
The book-keepers finished their lines in the books, closet them and begun to walk home. Guybrush Cratchit walked together with his workmate Mr. Cheese.
– How is your family, Mr. Cheese?
– They all just fine, especially the kids. I have spared the Bonus Scrooge gave me for taking care of his laundry to buy presents to them, Mr. Cheese said.
– That’s nice, Guybrush Cratchit commented.
– Ahem! Scrooge said. Guybrush ran to him and gave him his cane that he have glued.
– Oh, sorry Mr. Scrooge. Here’s your cane, whole again.
Scrooge looked at his cane to checked if it’s fine. But he didn’t notice that Guybrush have just glued the cane together since he didn’t see the crack.
– You made a fine work, Cratchit. Here, take this bonus of 40 Pieces of eight for fixing my cane. I have decided about that you can have your day off tomorrow, just remember to come here earlier the next day! Scrooge said.
– Thank you Mr. Scrooge. You’re so nice.
– Bah, stop with that nonsense. Just go!
– Of course I will and a Merry Christmas to you, sir!
Guybrush Cratchit put his thin jacket and hat on him and walked home. About an hour later Scrooge went on his way home. He stopped at the square when he saw a tent. In front of the tent there was a sign saying “The Voodoo-lady’s fortune-teller. Want to know about how your business is going? Come here to get your fortune. Christmas-eve special sale: Just for 5 cents.”
– Hmmm… It would be good if I knew if my business is going good in the future, besides one nickel is not big loss, Scrooge said and walked into the tent. Inside the tent there sat a black lady in a white dress and a big red hat.
– I sense that you would like to know about the future. That will be a nickel, please.
– I want proof that you can do magic-tricks first, Scrooge said skeptic to the Voodoo-lady.
– I can analyze your person. Hmmm… Your name is Ebenizer Ozzie Scrooge. You are a business-man of the Scrooge and Marley Company. Your companion has been dead for seven years. And also, you are indeed a greedy man, the Voodoo-lady told him while closing her eyes and held her hand before her face.
– How did you know that? Scrooge asked.
– I can read your mind. Do you want to hear about your fortune or not? The Voodoo-lady said annoyed.
– Okay, here’s a nickel!
– Thank you. Now, let me see your palm.
Scrooge held his hand with the palm faced up and the Voodoo-lady looked at it.
– Mmm-hmm. Ah-ha. Yes. Mmm… Okay. All right then. I see that the business of the company will be very lucrative.
– How much money will have? Scrooge asked.
– About 5 billons Hence Pieces of Eight per month. Wait! What do I see here? Hmmm… I see that you will be haunted… by a ghost of someone you have known a long time. Now I can’t see anything more. Thank you and welcome back.
Scrooge went outside talking to himself.
– Haunted by a ghost? Ah phooey!
He went on his way home, through the dark snowy night. When he came to his dark, ghastly, gloomy house, just as Scrooge unlocked the door he noticed that door-knocker didn’t look like the lion that it supposed to but it looked like his dead companion Jacob T Marley. Scrooge said.
– What in the name of Adam Smith’s invisible hand is this? It can’t be true but it is. Jacob T Marley? How can it be?
Suddenly the face of Jacob T Marley open it’s mouth and it moaned.
Scrooge jumped frightened, ran into his house and slam the door. Scrooge stayed inside the door, shaken worse than an earthquake. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Scrooge got a little bit nervous and was not sure if it was Marley who knocked or someone else. Scrooge opened the door carefully but in front of the door wasn’t Marley but a salesman named Stan.
– Oh, what do you want? Scrooge said annoyed.
– Howdy there! I’m Stan of Stan’s Previously Used Christmas Things. I sell everything that has to do with the Christmas. Ginger-bread, Figgy-pudding, Wreathes, Trees, Decorations, Sleds, Santa-suits, Rubber-chickens with pulleys in the middle… Oops! Wrong script! I meant Turkeys (without any pulleys in the middle), mistletoes…
But before Stan could say anything more Scrooge slammed the door and locked it. He went upstairs to his bedroom shaking his head.
– Sigh, salesmen!
When he came to his bedroom he sat into his sofa close to an open fire and ate some Kudu-jerky pretzels while reading a book. Suddenly he heard rattles from chains and looked everywhere but didn’t see anything.
– Huh? What? What was that? Nah, just imagination.
He returned back to the book and his pretzels. Then it happened again. The noise. Scrooge looked around again.
– What the! Again! Who are you? Come here so I can see you! Scrooge said nervously and confused.
Suddenly a familiar voice said.
– Eeeeeeebeeenizer Ozzieeeee Scrooooooge!
Scrooge looked around, while his heart was pounding faster and faster. Scrooge went to the door to see who or what it was but then a skull suddenly jumped up in from of him.
– Gaaaaahhh! Scrooge screamed and backed off. He looked scared at the skull that actually moved. Then someone pointed at Scrooge’s shoulder. Scrooge stopped his head and slowly turned around. He saw the spirit of Jacob Torqameda Marley, his long dead companion. He wore heavy chains around him that were attached to Piggy-banks, Small chests, mini-safes etc.
– Hey there, Ozzie Scrooge, Marley said and Scrooge jumped scared up. He ran scared away and hid behind the sofa. He looked carefully up from the sofa and looked at the moving skull and the spirit of Jacob Marley.
– Can you actually believe that, Jacob? Just because we are dead he’s getting more scared than the amount of money he has in his wallet, the skull who was Murray, Scrooge’s ex-secretary, said annoyed to Jacob Marley.
– Maybe it’s because he haven’t seen so many spirits or talking skulls. Hehehe! Jacob laughed.
Scrooge lighted a candle to see if he saw right in the darkness.
– Jacob Torqameda Marley? Murray? Is that you?!?
– You betcha! We really are Jacob Marley and Murray, Marley said.
– If you both are dead then how come that Murray is talking skull while you are a ghost, Marley? Scrooge asked and looked at Murray.
– Do you remembered how I died? Murray asked Scrooge.
– Yes, I still remember that. Before you went home you helped out that Rap Scallion with his Christmas-barbeque and then by accident you tripped and fell into some flames with a can of gas that made flames kill you, Scrooge told him.
– Well, since my body have been flamed up and had the bones left I became a spirit in a skeleton-form. I think it was the Voodoo-root in my pocket that made that happen, Murray explained.
– But you are just a skull, Scrooge said.
– I know, Ozzie! I know! On the way here I slipped on some ice so the rest of my bones are split from my head. I didn’t have any time to collect the rest of me so I’m just a skull… for now. I better remember to collect myself after this meeting.
– Anyway, what are you here for? Scrooge asked.
– We are here because we like to warn you about something, Marley explained.
– Something really horrible and EVIL! Mwuhahaha! Laughed Murray and bounced up and down on the floor.
– Ebenizer, do you remember that I went around the town to trick the poor and steal from the widows? Marley asked Scrooge with a serious voice.
– Yes you did. You were good then, Scrooge said.
– I was good yes. But in the last moment before I died I realized that there was something that I should have done that I never did. To help the poor and forgive them for what I have done. And because I didn’t do that I have to haul around these blasted chains IN ALL ETERNITY!!! Jacob Marley shouted with a sorrow in his voice.
– Talk about horrible, Scrooge commented.
– There are no hopes for me. I’m doomed! Doomed I tell you! And the same thing will happen you… EBENIZER OZZIE SCROOGE! Marley said both seriously and angered.
– No! Not that! Please! Tell me that you are lying! Please, Jacob! Scrooge begged desperate.
– It is true, I’m sorry, ex-companion.
– Oh yeah, it is true. But don’t worry. When we all three have become the undead, we can walk around the people and give them pain and misery! Mwuhahaha!!
– Murray! Marley said annoyed.
– Okay then. But there’s still hope, Scrooge.
– They are? Scrooge asked calmed.
– Yes, tonight you will be visited by three ghosts. Remember the three golden rules for them. 1: Listen to them, Marley said.
– 2: Do what they tell you, Murray continued.
– And finally never ever leave them unless they do or they tell you to do so, Marley said.
– Will these ghost help me? Scrooge asked.
– Maybe, maybe not. Even though I’m a talking skull I can’t foresee anything, Murray said.
– We have to go now. I don’t want to miss to help Santa Claus deliver the presents. But I have more warning. If you don’t get better you will end up just like me! Farwell Ebenizer! Marley said.
– Bye-bye, Ozzie! See you at the other side sometime. Then we come up with something EVIL. Mwuhahaha!
A mist appeared in the room and when it was gone so was also Jacob Marley and Murray.