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The Book of Bigger Whoop
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Part four: Yet Another Sad and Pointless Chapter
"AAAAAGGGHHHHHH!" The crew screamed in terror as the T-rex chased them through the huge Spoof Island jungle! "Aieeee!" A mighty scream came from the jungle.
Then an army of apes jumped out from the trees, attacking the T-rex and taking it swiftly to the ground. "Wow. Thanks," Wally said thankfully.
"Halt, hostage," the leader said. He was dressed in black and red armor with ape pictures all over, and obviously a lot of hair and fleas. "I am Lur, Lord of the Ape Kingdom of Spoof Island."
"Wow, a talkin' monkey," Timmy commented.
"Wow, a talking human," Lur responded. "Guards!"
"Yes, sir!" both the guards said at once.
"Lock the humans up. They'll make good hostages for when we attack Lord Wiggles," Lur commanded.
* * *
Meanwhile, in Yoda's swamp…
"Thanks, Master Yoda. I have finally mastered the fort," Guybrush said with gratitude.
"Welcome you are," Yoda replied. "Now go towards the fort if you wish to save your friends."
"Thanks!" Guybrush shouted as he ran towards the fort. At that moment, a young man ran towards the swamp with a little robot beside him. "Hi, Master Yoda, I'm Luke…"
* * *
Back at the ape village…
"Well, here's the situation. We're captives of crazy monkeys, and we're about to die," Timmy said carelessly.
"Meh, "Murray said, also carelessly.
"Uh, Mr. Murray thir."
"What, Spiffy?" Murray replied. "I need to talk to you about Tim…"
* * *
Meanwhile, back with Guybrush.
"Ah, there's the fort," Guybrush said. "Just up that hill." So Guybrush climbed up the hill to the fort, and about three hours later he reached the top. The fort was about 25 feet high and 50 feet wide. It pretty much looked like Elaine's on Plunder Island, except there was a huge gold "W" attached to the front wall.
(Up there, you will find the lord of the fort, who is as big as a thousand rhinos.) Guybrush remembered Yoda's teachings. Then, from the top of the fort, Guybrush heard a blood-curdling scream which went like this: "BUUURRRP!"
"That must be the lord of the fort," Guybrush thought. He was so frightened he didn't know whether to wet himself or go blind.
Slowly he walked up the endless stairs, higher and higher. And since this is going to take Guybrush a while, let's fast forward in time…
"What the heck is that?!" Guybrush stood in front of a huge, blubbering mass of lard with blonde hair, also known as Lord Wiggles, lord of the fort.
"HELLO!" Wiggles screamed in a feeble, moronic voice.
"Uh…hi," Guybrush said, confused and dazed at the mere sight of Wiggles.
"I AM WIGGLES, LORD OF THE FORT!"
"Now I see why the forts so large," Guybrush whispered to himself.
"Are you with the apes?" Wiggles asked.
"What apes?" BOOM! A huge explosion came from the jungle, and a small object hit the ceiling. Guybrush and Wiggles once again walked extremely slowly to the top of the fort. There, Guybrush saw Murray lying on the floor. "Murray?"
"Oh…I'm not volunteering for cannon duty for Crazy Apes again," Murray groaned.
"Apes…what about the apes?" Guybrush then spotted a note pinned on Murray. "Lord Chris Francais Heales…"Guybrush read. "Chris Francais Heales…that's your real name?" He directed this question to Lord Wiggles.
"Um…yeah," Wiggles replied.
"Then why'd you change it to Wig…oh never mind," Guybrush stammered. He continued reading. "…we are sick of your humanism and slobness, so we will once again plunder the fort, rip out your intestines, burn down the fort, and use your guts as food for our young. Love: Lur."
"Did they tell you when they'll attack?" Murray asked. He didn't get an answer.
"So, what's with these apes, Murray?" Guybrush asked.
"Well, it went something like this…"
After Murray explained yet another sad and pointless story…
"We better rescue 'em," Guybrush suggested.
"We don't need to go over there and rescue 'em," Wiggles said.
"Why not?" questioned Guybrush.
"'Cause they're already here." At that moment an army of apes appeared over the horizon. Lur stood at the top of a hill, next to a cage containing Timmy, Spiffy, Grunk, Stan, Wally and Flook. Then a message popped into Guybrush's thick skull. ~Use the fort, Buyglush~
"THE FORT!" Guybrush remembered. At that moment, he ran into the fort, dragging Murray and Wiggles with him. The apes fired endless cannonballs and arrows. Minutes later, Guybrush, Murray and Wiggles arrived in a large control room. "Hmm. I never noticed this room before," Wiggles commented. Guybrush pressed a load of buttons and knobs and entered a key that Yoda gave him. Before long, the fort flashed a green light, and the apes stopped in their tracks. Then the fort exploded, and five dinosaur robots emerged.
One was a T-rex; another a Mastodon. There was also a sabre-toothed tiger, a triceratops and a pterodactyl. The explosion sent Guybrush and his crew into the air. The dinosaurs formed together while Power Ranger music played. Meanwhile, one of the apes was listening to the Power Rangers' theme song on CD as everyone stared at him angrily. "Sorry," the ape muttered as he switched off his CD player.
Now the dinosaurs had formed a MegaZord, comprised of the dinosaur robots. By the time they had formed Guybrush, Wiggles and Murray landed in the robot, although, thanks to Wiggles, the robot nearly fell to pieces. "Okay…let's take 'em down!" Guybrush shouted.
The MegaZord mounted its missiles and lasers. "Eat this, monkeys! BWAHAHAHAHA!" Murray screamed in triumph as he fell over purposely to fire the lasers, blowing away half of the army. "Murray triumphs once again! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Guybrush then fired the missiles, blowing the rest away in a huge inferno - all except the cage, holding the hostages, and Lur. At that moment, Lur did a huge amazing leap onto the top of the MegaZord. Guybrush also jumped out in front of Lur with a small metal handle that had a button. "You will never defeat the mighty Guybrush Threepwood!" he cried out defiantly.
"Threepwood?" Lur said, surprised. "Well, Threepwood, I have something to tell you…"
"What?" Guybrush asked.
"I…am your father's cousin's mother's aunt's uncle's grandmother's former roommate!" Lur announced.
"And that makes us…?" Guybrush inquired, dazed.
"Absolutely nothing!" proclaimed Lur. "Which is exactly what you're going to be, soon, Threepwood." Then Lur withdrew his metal handle thing, and a large beam of light emerged from the sabre as did Guybrush's light-sabre. "Ah, so Yoda has also taught you in the arts of the fort. You'll never defeat me…let's get on with it," Lur said.
Out of that, a huge battle ensued the sabres crashing and smashing. After a long and pointless battle, Guybrush lay on the floor, just holding back Lur's attack. "As I said, there is no way to defeat the mighty Lur."
Guybrush noticed Murray watching the battle. He summoned his fortey powers and pulled Murray towards him, knocking Lur off the MegaZord and down into the ground, screaming.
"Now let's rescue da hostages," Wiggles shouted. Down at the crater where Lur landed, there was a cliché hole in Lur's shape like it was from some cheesy novel that only freaks and sickos would read. And near that was the cage with the crew inside. With one swing of Guybrush's light-sabre the crew was free.
"Let's get back to the ship with our new friend, Wiggles!" ordered Guybrush. Five minutes after leaving Spoof Island…"Let's just throw the slob off!" Guybrush shouted. So the crew, very slowly, rolled Wiggles off the ship and into the sea. "Uh...Mithter Guybruth, thir?"
"Yes, Spiffy?" Guybrush replied.
"Well ith about Tim, thir…" Soon, all the crew was below deck except Timmy.
"Okay, everyone, now that we know that Tim's really Timmy and an evil demon, we need to think of a clever plan to capture him," Guybrush said to his crew. Just then, Timmy came down from above deck.
"Hi guys, what's goin' on?"Timmy asked.
"GET HIM!" Murray shouted. At that moment, the crew jumped on top of Timmy, pummeling him to the ground.
"That should hold you," Guybrush said, as he tightened the rope binding Timmy to a chair.
The next day, the ship passed Blood Island, home of the new cannibal resort run by the new cannibal company, "Lemon, Inc."
"So that's why Blood Island is famous for cannibals…Don't worry, reader, we're not going to waste the rest of this chapter and the next on running away from cannibals and getting into stupid antics," Guybrush assured the sad, strange reader. "Well…Spiffy!"
"Carry on course to Golanga island."
So the crew once again sailed off into the sunset…aww.