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Allegro Rasputin - Pirate to Priest.
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Chapter Two: Coming Up with Really Neat Ideas. Really.

The hot, hellish air of the underground caverns swept out in a sudden burst of wind, rushing through the demonic caves of Heck and towards a ship anchored on a river of lava, a ghostly ship… LeChuck’s ship. The winds stirred the sails somewhat, and the timbers creaked- but the strong anchor, and LeChuck’s equally strong will, kept it in its place. Indomitable, powerful, mighty. An extension of the Ghost Captain’s will itself.

Standing on this testament to the Powers of Heck was Allegro Rasputin- once a weedy pirate, now a weedy GHOST pirate. From the decks, he felt the breeze with a particular uneasiness. It smelt of sulphur, the stink of evil… all that his life now contained. And he hated his life… or is unlife or his death, or whatever it was you could call his existence. He was still resentful of LeChuck. He still was miserable. And now, to accentuate this, they had anchored in Hell- wait, no, Heck. A place with lava for water, flesh for stone. Disgusting.

But what could he do? Nothing. He couldn’t escape LeChuck. He couldn’t escape his life beyond death. That left just two choices- to submit to LeChuck and his Voodoo-enriched will, or to let his mind ‘wander’ and his own existence fade away. He knew the latter was impossible- it was a natural reaction for all humanity and sub-humanity to fight ever onwards for that last breath, that last gasp of air or sight of the world. He knew he would never be able to commit himself to his own destruction.

And that left just one choice. Sighing, Allegro returned to the cabins.


“Alright you lot! Get up here before I blast yer pitiful bodies to nothing!” LeChuck’s voice was unusually cheery this morning, and Allegro knew that meant only one thing- he had an unusual punishment to dish out. The last time this had happened McDurnal had been assigned ‘ocean duty’- searching the ocean floor for LeChuck’s lost toothbrush. They never found the toothbrush, and as punishment McDurnal had been whipped a few hundred times with LeChuck’s beard. LeChuck was a tyrannical leader, but at least he commanded the respect of his crew. Hurriedly they assembled before him, staying as still as they could. From his position Allegro noted Bob standing uneasily next to the Ghost Pirate LeChuck, looking a little pitiful. It was a terrible sight- Allegro respected Bob so much, yet the guy just LET himself be pushed around by LeChuck. Terrible.

“Now! I knows you all think yer high and mighty from the last trip we had, but have I got news for ye! We’re goin’ on another trip soon enough, and this one’ll be a trip to remember!” Briefly LeChuck outlined his plan- they would travel to Melee Island, creep ashore and then break into the Governor’s Mansion, kidnap Elaine Marley and ‘spirit’ her away (LeChuck found this uproariously funny). Once they had kidnapped her they would keep her a little while, in order to try and break her will, then take her back to Melee Island. For marriage. To LeChuck. Of all things!

It was a simple, unimaginative and only briefly imagined plan- but it was LeChuck’s plan, so it was bound to work. Despite his anti-LeChuck sentiments, Allegro knew one thing- what LeChuck wanted, LeChuck got. And LeChuck wanted Elaine, the most beautiful governmental official in all the Tri-Island area.

But here was the catch- they needed a Priest. Somebody to seal the lives of LeChuck and Elaine in perfect, unholy matrimony for all eternity. None of the pirates had ever really been especially religious (indeed, only a few could tell the difference between Judas and Jesus) and a faint murmuring of protest arose from ectoplasmic lips.
“Wha-? A Priest? Whassat?”
“I ain’t bein’ no holy dude!”
“Isn’t that a bit sacrilegious? I mean, having Voodoo-imbued undead spirits as Priests?”
“Quiet!” LeChuck’s impatient fury, suddenly outburst in a powerful roar of anger, quickly quietened them down. The Ghosts hung their heads, subdued, waiting for LeChuck’s decision.

The next few minutes seemed to last an eternity for Allegro. He too kept his head down, quietly staring at the grained wood of the decks through his ghostly feet and boots. Somehow, though, he knew who would be chosen- so it came as no surprise when he felt the Ghost Captain’s powerful will force his head up, his eyes locked onto those of his superior.
“You! Ye will do!”

A faint snickering arose from some of the other Pirates, who knew how much Allegro hated his master, but they were quickly silenced by a pleading glare from Bob. So Allegro was pulled to the front, forced to cast aside his clothes for a blackish Priest robe that Bob had made in his spare time and don the collar of the Christian Theocracy. Humiliation, dejection, anger… it all spread through Allegro at once as LeChuck gave him his instructions- create a ‘religion of LeChuck’ so it would all seem perfect at the wedding, and so they could all sing along to a little hymn or two. Allegro sighed. More work, on top of his cleaning duties, and it involved making LeChuck look GOOD.

Then suddenly, like a flash of lightning in the middle of a still and dark night, Allegro had an idea. Oh, he would construct this ‘religion of LeChuck’, certainly. But it would be the most critical, secretly cynical piece of propaganda ever produced- and LeChuck, being as stupid as he was, would never know. So Allegro smiled, and nodded, and accepted his role.

Allegro was now no longer a pirate. No longer a mortal. He was now a Priest.

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