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Stan kicks previously-owned butt
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Stan kicks previously-owned butt
"Hey! You sank my battleship!" Ah, how beautiful! Here, we see fearsome pirate captain and/or swashbuckler Guybrush Threepwood at work. He is truly a master of sea combat, a... "Hey, Timmy, did you beat Guybrush again?", Elaine said, interrupting another exciting Battleship(tm) finale.
"Eek eek ack!"
"Yeah, I am bored too, Timmy. Hey plunder bunny, was there any mail today?"
"Nope. Oh, wait, there was one. Our 'beloved' governor is coming to visit us next week."
"You should really stop using those sarcastic quotes and... NEXT WEEK?! Oh no! Elaine, next week is the Knuttin Atoll school reunion! I'm sorry, but I cannot be here and there at the same time."
"Well, according to Einstein, you can, relatively speaking."
"Did you just say something dear?"
"Never mind," Elaine said.
DRIIIINGG! "Hey, since when do we have a door bell?" Guybrush said.
"Anybody home?" a dark, morbid, creepy, scary... ah, drat, wrong story... A familiar voice at the other side - looking from Guybrush and Elaine's position - of the door said.
"Hey, wait a minute," said Guybrush, "that sounds like... Stan!!!"
"And good morning to you too, son."
"But how? I mean, I heard DRING and we don't even have a doorbell!"
"Technology, son. But never mind about that. I am here to sell you something VERY special..."
"Oh yeah, well we don't..."
"You DON'T want to buy the secret of Monkey Island? OK, I'll be on my merry way then. Bye! See you soon! Later!"
Still scratching his head, Guybrush said: "Now what was that all about?" (You were expecting an intelligent remark, weren't you?)
"Who was it, dear?"
"Oh, it was Stan, and he had the secret of Monkey Island for s... WHOA! And I just sent him away!"
"Well then, you'd better get going, dear."
"Get after him!"
"But Elaine, I'll miss my reunion!"
"Get after him or else there'll be no more Battleship(tm) games with Timmy..."
"Didn't I just say I was going after Stan?"
And so, another adventure of our hero starts. Once again, Guybrush is after the secret of Monkey Island. And this adventure takes him to one of the most horrible places a pirate could possibly be, worse than the terror of Big Whoop, worse than the Giant Monkey Robot, it is THE LUA BAR!
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Welcome to the Lua Bar, where you will meet your DOOM! At a reasonable price, that is."
"It's you! The freak! Go away!"
"Fine, be that way."
As Murray was mumbling something about "foolish mortal", Guybrush entered the Lua Bar. It was a hideous place. Everywhere were tourists, drinking their tropical umbrella-equipped drinks. Everywhere? Not quite...
"Why hello there. What can I do for you?"
"Yes, I know, everybody likes my authentic Texan cowboy hats. They come in three amazing colors: khaki, beige, and ochre! Suitable for every occasion, such an exclusive accessory should not be missing in any self-respecting-man-of-the-world's wardrobe."
"Actually, I was looking for..."
"One of my high-tech Japanese vacuum cleaners!"
"No, I don't want one of those. Besides, why would someone want to clean vacuum?"
"Now let's get to business. You just can't stop talking," Stan said, throwing another tropical drink on the floor due to his physical expression of feelings.
"I want to buy..."
Stan wanted to interrupt him just as the cook came running out of the kitchen. He was screaming "AAAAH! The secret is gone!"
"What secret?" Guybrush asked. No reply. Suddenly, Guybrush felt very lonely. Could it be because of his feelings of grief, that he could not share? Or did he feel lonely because he was now alone in that cursed Lua Bar? Sounds logical.
"Huh?" Guybrush said. Which was understandable, because the Lua Bar was completely empty... Completely? Really? Well, I could make it very exciting here, but it really was empty. Sorry. BUT as Guybrush was about to step outside, he heard a familiar voice. He looked around and - "Oh no! LeCh-"
"In the flesh. Or should I say, in the bone? Look at me, I'm nothing more than a skeleton now, and it's all yer fault! Threepwood," LeChuck said, in an unpleasant friendly-ish voice, "I am an old man. I don't want to fight ye anymore. As a matter of fact, I will let ye go."
"Phew, now that was easy."
"IF," LeChuck continued, "if you can bring me THE SECRET OF MONKEY ISLAND."
"You forgot the (tm)."
"Oh yeah: (tm). Ye won't be escaping my wrath this time, you foolish mortal!"
As Guybrush left the bar, he turned around, saying "You shouldn't talk to Murray so much."
"Oh, hi, snugglecakes."
Guybrush didn't answer his wife's greet. He stood there, in the middle of the villa, frozen. Seated on the couch was his beloved grandpa, H.T. Marley. Well, seated... lying on the couch with a bottle of grog and a bag of crisps, his bare feet polluting the otherwise breathable air.
"Oh, the Governor is staying here for a week. Didn't I tell you?" Elaine said.
"You did, but..."
"But what, sonny?"
Guybrush faked a smile and said, "Hiya, grandpa! Err, I just have this slight problem..."
"Tell me, sonny."
"Well, it's either me being destroyed by LeChuck or ending up finding the Secret(tm)."
"Nice to have known you, sonny."
"Grandpa!" Elaine exclaimed, somewhat annoyed. Well actually, she was more like pretty darn angry.
"Hee hee, I forgot. He IS your husband... OK, I know where the secret of Monkey Island is." (It is presumed that the reader can fill in the (tm) marks in his mind, where appropriate.)
"Oh, tell me."
"I think I'm fak... I mean, getting an amnesia attack."
"OK, you can stay. But only this week. Now tell me."
"Listen sonny, you can find the Secret on Plunder Island."
After the usual hugging and kissing, Guybrush said goodbye to Elaine too. He was on his way to the harbor of Melee. From a mile away, Guybrush could see four neon letters: S-T-A-N. This could only mean one thing: Darth Stan had kidnapped Luke Skywalker, then he took over the harbor of Melee, to sell X-Wings to space pirates. Hmmm, come to think of it, maybe it was just because Stan owned the place now.
"Hello! Did you come to buy the Secret?"
"Stan my man! Do you have the Secret?" Guybrush said.
After staring into Guybrush's eyes for so long that it hurt, Stan said "Well, not exactly, but if you can bring me a visa-"
"Darn. I use American Express."
"Right. Actually, it is the kind of visa you use to get out of a country I was talking about. Anyway, if you can bring me such a document, I will be happy to let you use one of my ships, and if you react within 30 days, you'll also receive an exclusive copy of 'Secret treasure - sales hype or goldmine?' Now what do you say?"
"I guess I'll be on my way to finding a visa, then."
"Bye bye. Don't be a stranger."
And so, our hero (Guybrush) went back to the house. He expected to find Grandpa Marley there, but only Elaine was at home. She explained what happened and how and when and where and...
"Hold on." said Guybrush. "You just said that the chicken didn't cross the road because it's made of rubber?!"
"And then... hey! You weren't even listening! Now I won't tell you where LeChuck took Grandpa to. Besides, I don't know."
"WHAT? Has LeChuck kidnapped Grandpa?" Guybrush exclaimed.
"Is Murray a talking skull who can see without eyeballs?"
"Errr... was that sarcasm?"
This pointless conversation didn't last for very long, because Guybrush had to go and find the Governor. Since Elaine was the interim Governor, she gave Guybrush a temporary visa to get a boat from Stan.
Guybrush approached the harbor.
"Weird," he thought. This was because the neon lights saying STAN were switched off. When he reached Stan's Rent-a-boat office, Stan was nowhere to be seen. There was, however, this note, attached to the Grog machine.
"Threepwood, I have your friend. If ye be wanting him alive, ye better come to Monkey Island - LeChuck." it said.
"This whole thing doesn't make sense! Mr Narrator guy (I know this is cliché), what is your point? Where's the storyline? Eep!"
Guybrush probably expected the narrator to say something in the line of: hey, this is not a LucasArts game, or: this story is only about humour. But there was no reply. All that he could see, was just a yellow lemonhead.
"Whatever happened to you?"
"Well, last thing I remember was this LeChuck guy. He came to Blood Island and brought the old hermit to us. He thought we had stolen his kumquat-picker, so when he got mad, we took a boat and went to what appears to be Curaçao." the cannibal said.
"Ooookay. Welcome to Melee have fun mind if I borrow your boat thanks bye."
As if struck by lightning, Lemonhead watched Guybrush disappear at the horizon...
"Hi." said Guybrush.
"Back already?" Lemonhead asked him.
"Er, would you like to be on my crew? I kinda forgot where Blood Island is."
"All you have to do is follow the signs that say 'hurricane ahead'. You can't miss it."
"Well, if you say so. Are you sure you don't wanna come with me?"
"No. I've had enough of Blood Island."
"OK. Well, catch you later, Lemonhead."
As a true sea captain, Guybrush took off, following the signs indicated by his cannibalistic friend. As a true wannabe pirate, he washed up on the Blood Island beach next day. Not knowing where to look for Herman, a logical step seemed to be a visit to the hotel.
"Wonton! I thought I'd never see you alive!"
"Hey, hey, uncle Grizzie! Did you finally get rid of Eczema?"
"Oh, no, Mme Xima is no more. She was keelhauled after she misinterpreted someone's future... Some idiot took all her 'Death' cards."
"Right. Fix me up with a drink, uncle."
"Are you sure? I don't know... Every time I give you a drink, you seem to, demise."
After some negotiating, a deal was reached (which is not very common today, if you watch CNN).
"What's CNN?" Guybrush asked. Oh, here we go again with this narrator stuff. Just stick to the storyline, will ya? Anyway, the deal agreed upon was to promote Head-B-Clear through the latest form of commerce: the Brainwash Song. And so, Griswold and Guybrush began to sing their song, which was broadcast through an ingenious system of wires and pulleys (don't ask me) across the entire island.
Let me brainwash you.
Join our singing too.
If you get brainwashed,
don't be afraid.
Head-B-Clear will be there
to help you think straight!
Stuff you want to keep!
In two flavors: Yuck and Barf,
and it's really cheap!"
*CLAP CLAP CLAP*
"Heh, seems like people like our song!"
"No, foolish mortal, it was my teeth."
"Murray! You do turn up in the strangest places... What are you doing up there?"
"Well, you know my little holiday in Baltimore? There was some weird kiddo named Hoagie, who kept saying how 'awesome, dude' I looked. We performed a show in the future, in which I accidentally landed in the Chron-o-John, during one of my stunts. So I ended up here."
"Hmmm," Guybrush said. "I think it's best to keep you up there for a while, to give your mind some rest."
"Hey, a skull hanging from a lamp talking about Chron-o-Johns isn't per definition crazy. Oh yeah, and that Stan-guy wanted to see you."
"Stan is here? I gotta go see him right away!"
And so our hero is on his way to Stan's well-known crypt.
"Welcome back to MUTUAL OF STAN!"
"Stan! Am I ever so glad to s..."
"Of course you are. I have the best life insurances in the Caribbean! I've never heard any of my customers complain about the service!"
"...no, because they can't" Guybrush quietly commented.
"What was that? ... Never mind about that. How can I help you?"
"Well, I'd like to know..."
"Wouldn't we all love to know that? Look, I would love to keep chatting about time-sharing, but for now I'll just give you these brochures..."
"Huh? Is that all?"
"...which come with a free two-hour boot camp to drill, I mean to THRILL you."
Two hours later, Guybrush was finally able to ask how Stan got to Blood Island in the first place.
"Well, that's easy, son. Remember that tree stump on Monkey Island? I crawled through there and ended up in here."
"But Stan, that stump was on Melee."
For a whole minute, one could only hear crickets. Then Stan said, "Details, son. What's important is, that I'm here to help you rescue your grandfather."
"But what about the secret?"
"Well, there are things in life that just cannot be known. I overheard LeChuck the other day, mumbling something about 'mortal fool' and 'eternally burn in the volcano'... So I suppose you'd better run along now."
"But isn't that dangerous? I doubt that I could defeat LeChuck all by myself..." Guybrush looked at Stan from the corner of his eye.
"I strongly suggest that you run along NOW." Stan replied.
"OK. Here's plan B. I'll have Murray talk to his friend Hoagie so that they can make an official Secret(tm) soundtrack. Then we could split the revenues from royalties and"
"Did someone just say the magic word 'big bucks'?" Stan said, with dollar signs clearly visible in his eyes. "Now what are you standing around for? Look, it's nothing personal, but giving away an imitation of Purple Tentacle can be done on many future occasions. Right now, we have a governor to rescue!"
"That’s my Stan! By the way, what's a Purple Tentacle?"
"Beats me. I once read it in one of those fancy magazines at the Barbery Coast."
The two friends arrived at the volcano. In the mountain, there was a cave with signs around it, saying 'LECHUCK'S HIDE-OUT. COME ON IN'.
"Hmmm, I saw this in a Bugs Bunny cartoon." Stan said.
"Are you sure it wasn't Daffy Duck?"
"Never mind. OK Stan, here's my plan: You go in and talk to LeChuck, then I will look around if something suspicious happens, OK?"
"Okido... hey, why must I go inside to that monster?"
"OK, OK," Guybrush said. "Let's toss. Heads: I win, tails: you lose."
"Tails. You lose. Go in and pretend to be a vacuum cleaner salesman. ;)"
"Hey, smilies aren't invented yet. But I'll go anyway."
Stan rang the doorbell, which played LeChuck's theme remixed around Tubular Bells.
"Hello Mr Chuck! That's a mighty fine basement you have there! Ever thought of filling it up with a mighty fine vacuum cleaner? Guaranteed to suck everything, comes with a weasel attachment to suck eggs if you decide now! It can also rid your beard from those nasty lice."
"I don't know..."
"Oh, look! A nickel"
Greedy as he was, LeChuck bent over to pick it up. And with a force gravity itself would be jealous of, Stan kicked LeChuck's butt, who flew through the wall, into the volcano. There was no smoke, just one bubble. LeChuck was never to be heard of again.
"Grandpa! Are you OK?"
"Hee, hee, never felt better in my life! I know the secret!"
"Really?" Guybrush and Stan simultaneously exclaimed.
"Hey, wait a minute, Stan. I thought you knew the secret." Guybrush looked puzzled.
"That was just a sales trick. Works every time." Stan grinned.
"Listen guys! The secret of Monkey Island is... that Sherman ate LeChuck!"
Stan looked at Guybrush. Guybrush looked at Stan, who then said: "Now that didn't make sense. Let's go home."
"Hey! What kind of a story is this without an epilogue?" Stan said.
Everybody lived happily ever after. Guybrush and Elaine are still living on Melee Island with Timmy. The Lua Bar cook found his secret recipe - in the oven. Murray, Hoagie and Purple Tentacle are playing in a rock band, performing daily in the Goodsoup hotel, where Griswold is still barkeeper. Lemonhead returned to Blood Island. He now runs a business with Stan, selling The-volcano-that-ate-LeChuck(tm) merchandise to tourists. Thanks for reading this and goodnight.
"Can I interest you in this high-quality Jedi Knight T-shirt?"
Not me, Stan, but I'm sure that there are enough other narrators out there who'd love to buy one from you. This story is over, my friend. And for the first time ever, Stan had tears running from his eyes.
He is allergic to cotton.