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Murrayís Story of Evil and Destruction
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Chapter 2: Joining the Army

Iím dead.

Well, actually, they call us ďundeadĒ. Basically, Iím a skeleton who can still walk and talk. Plus I get bonuses like eternal life. This happened almost immediately after we passed through the lava in Great Monkey Mountain at Big Whoop.

If you donít know what Iím talking about, go back and read Chapter One.

Anyway, after we all had our bodies mutilated, the coaster car slowed and stopped. A man in a big monkey costume grumbled for us to get out and line up in rows. Normally, we might ask questions, but the man had a bone saw.

You see, when youíre stripped of your skin, you can become afraid of things you might have laughed at when you were living.

Still, a bone saw is very sharp.

So, we lined up in rows examining our new bodies. While we were doing this, one guy fell over, and his head rolled off. He was still alive and his skull was laughing, while his body was searching for its missing part.

I told you already that we have eternal life.

A man who looked like rotting flesh walked, or should I say limped, himself over to the front of the rows. I later found out that this was LeChuck.

LeChuck briefly said that we were now part of his army of the undead, donít try to escape, youíre with me forever, blah blah blah.

He didnít look like the talking type.

Some men didnít like the idea of being drafted. Weíre pirates! they would shout. We want to do our own things! It was pretty useless though. No one defies LeChuck, the big rotting corpse whoís now in charge of you.

LeChuck used to have an army, but most of them were liquidated on Melee Island a few years back. Thatís why he built Big Whoop to build and train his army.

Because not everyone who comes to Big Whoop is a pirate, LeChuck and his minions give us basic training. Myself, I didnít need training. I did sign up for Advanced Diabolic Pirate Lingo.

As I looked for my class in the warehouse, which was disguised as an Employee Lounge, I saw numerous courses labeled on the door.

                             How to Break the Law (Beginnerís Course)

                             Pillaging a Town

                             The Sword and You

                             Navigation Made Easy

                             Flogging the Inner Child

                             Advanced Diabolic Pirate Lingo

                             Ah, thereís my class.

                             I took that class for two weeks, taught by a pirate named Sir Beltsalot. And yes, he was covered in belts from head to toe. It was like he was afraid of falling apart if one of his belts were loosened.

                              Sir Beltsalot taught us sayings and terminology that youíll find in no phrase book. He constantly said to say them with feelings that YOUíRE the boss and everyone around you should be afraid. How to pretend that you have powers that no mortal could ever think of. Every day, we got tests and quizzes to test us on our ways of telling a guy that you could call on demons from hell and command them to do your bidding.

I got an A minus. Because, just BECAUSE I might sound more sarcastic than terrifying.                             Oh well, they said. Iíll just have to make do.

Besides, am I really ever going to need this? I just took the course for kicks.

For two months I stayed on Monkey Island in the Big Whoop Carnival. Everyone pretty much got along trying hard as heck to scare people and test out their newly acquired abilities.

                             Then came Wally.

Wally was NOT an undead skeleton, he was a human. A very short, red-haired human. Also a cartographer. Somehow, he got past the roller coaster and signed up for the pirate courses.

                             I didnít trust him the moment I met him.

                             He was in one of those seminars that LeChuck was meaning to close down but never got around to it. I was in the next room when he kicked down the door screaming at the pirates to get back to work.

                             You see, some of the ďnewbiesĒ had to work at the carnival. It was a very boring job, and some of them sneaked off to the seminars to raise their self-confidence. And if they werenít working, that means fewer soldiers for LeChuck, and if LeChuck doesnít get enough soldiers, then he canít send all of us to rescue some girl he likes from an idiot. Name of Lielush Keepthood. Or something of the like. Later, I found out his name was Guybrush Threepwood.

                             And yes, he is a moron. Sometimes.

                             LeChuck told us of his plan to marry the governor of Melee Island, Elaine Marley. But she had fallen for this Threepwood fellow and LeChuckís goal is to capture Guybrush and keep him somewhere so he can rescue Elaine from this moron.

                             That place, was Big Whoop.

                             LeChuck had paid some pirates to tell Guybrush about Big Whoop, making him think itís a treasure and convince him to look for it. When Guybrush eventually finds Big Whoop, he goes through a voodoo spell and thinks that heís a child and then gives up the whole idea of pirating, thinking that heís just a little boy.

                             LeChuck explained this very clearly to us.

                             About a week later, everyone had to clear out of the carnival. LeChuck had just gotten word that Guybrush was coming closer and closer to discovering Big Whoop. We loaded tons of treasure onto the ship.

Booty

Lucre

Wooden nickels

Home appliances

Self portraits of LeChuck

Music boxes

Chocolate

Flaming Voodoo Cannonball

Cursed diamonds

LeChuck brought all this to try and buy Elaineís love.

After loading the treasure on board, equipped with our safety floaties, all of LeChuckís undead army scrambled on board.

Very tight fit with over fifty skeletons plus one human.

                             So while we waited, LeChuck sent two scouts to find the location of Elaine Marley. A week later, they returned saying that she was on Wonder Island.

                             LeChuck was angry. Thereís no such thing as Wonder Island, ye stupefied skeleton, he yelled. And he ripped each guy in half and threw them into the sea. Of course, they would live, but be disfigured for the rest of their life.

                             So basically theyíre stuck like that for the rest of their never-ending life.

LeChuck yelled at the navigators to sail to Plunder Island, which was probably what the two deformed pirates meant.

We sailed for a few days, in search of Elaine Marley, the girl who LeChuck will marry and live with happily ever after.

My sacrum.

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